Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"We didn't do that and you turned out ok!"

180 replies

user1471517900 · 14/08/2017 11:45

AIBU to think this is the most annoying phrase you can hear with your child from grandparents? Or are there more?

OP posts:
bathildabagshot1 · 14/08/2017 12:28

"Are there really fewer infants dying than when your grandparents had children?"

Yes. Scientific proof.

www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/deaths/bulletins/childhoodinfantandperinatalmortalityinenglandandwales/2014

53rdWay · 14/08/2017 12:28

There's tons of science in child development and child psychology, notever.

You seem really annoyed about this. Perhaps you're interpreting what the OP said differently? To explain a bit, every single time I have heard that sentence it's been an unasked-for comment about my own parenting. "Why on earth are you doing that? we smacked you/fed you rusks at 12 weeks/let you sleep on your stomach as a baby, and you turned out okay!"

DontTouchTheMoustache · 14/08/2017 12:29

Yes I agree op and with others commentating that it's not a criticism on our parents failing but more getting fed up of them criticising theirs. I mentioned to my dad we had a video monitor for D'S and it was great cos if I heard him stir it was easy to see if he was awake or just making a noise and going back to sleep without having to be up and down the stairs all the time to which he responded "oh it's a wonder any of you ever survived at all" in a sarcastic voice. I wasn't criticising him but he was clearly trying to make me feel small.

WeeMadArthur · 14/08/2017 12:29

My DM says this about child car seats and seat belts ffs. Of all the things to imply we are pandering to our children and H&S rules to use. Yes we may have been left to slide around on the back seats in the 70s and survived but they sure as hell had their seat belts buckled in the front seat.

notevernotnevernotnohow · 14/08/2017 12:30

There's tons of science in child development and child psychology, notever

Not really. There is a lot of theory, but its a soft science at best.

WeeMadArthur · 14/08/2017 12:31

Oh, and apparently both myself and my DB have shorter tempers with our children than she ever did, so I must have imagined all those times getting my bare arse skelped in the Co-op then?

histinyhandsarefrozen · 14/08/2017 12:32

Are there really fewer infants dying than when your grandparents had children?

You're not trying to argue this one anymore then? Grin

notevernotnevernotnohow · 14/08/2017 12:32

Perhaps you're interpreting what the OP said differently?

The OP didn't say anything at all.

Also no-one has attempted to see it from another angle. My MIL says this to her DD, but only after the DD tells MIL how everything she did was wrong and how DD knows so much better and is therefore a much better parent. She's a smug horror who is terribly rude to her mother, who did everything for her and was a good parent (god knows where she went wrong with the dd, the other siblings are lovely).

notevernotnevernotnohow · 14/08/2017 12:33

You're not trying to argue this one anymore then

Nobody answered the question. Rickets and diptheria, apparently all your grandparents were Victorian?

bathildabagshot1 · 14/08/2017 12:35

Small Pox too.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 14/08/2017 12:35

Yes, childhood mortality was a lot lower in the 1930s/1940s.

Does that help?

BannedFromNarnia · 14/08/2017 12:35

Suvivor bias but also, your parents don't have all the information to make the judgement that you turned out ok - they're not living inside your head.

For instance, my parents don't know about the long perdiods of counselling I've had due to anxiety that they pretty much installed. I'm not interested in dicussing or arguing with them about it so I don't mention it. I accept them for who they are and deal with who I am.

But a lot of my MH issues are to do with the choices they made when parenting - and the happiness and success they see on the outside is different to what's really going on inside.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 14/08/2017 12:36

Higher, I meant higher!

QuackDuckQuack · 14/08/2017 12:36

It also ignores that you are parenting completely different children. My FIL was rather scathing about how we got DD2 to sleep at their house. Apparently DH would just go to sleep wherever you put him at that age. DD2 won't. She'll come charging out of the room you put her in and at PIL house that also means headlong down the stairs, so we had to sit with her or by the door. At home she has a stair gate on her door, so we can leave her chatting to herself at the door. I'm pleased for PIL that parenting DH was easy. They don't talk about how they parented BIL much Hmm.

Original poster
user1471517900 · 14/08/2017 12:37

notever

Look at bathilda's post above. Figure 1 shows a perfect example of how deaths have decreased:

"There were 2,578 infant deaths (deaths under 1 year) in England and Wales in 2015, compared to 6,141 in 1985."

OP posts:
53rdWay · 14/08/2017 12:37

Also no-one has attempted to see it from another angle.

We're seeing this from our own experience, and grumbling about that experience, which you are telling us is wrong and mean and not being 'nice'. As opposed to your experiences of your MIL, which is universally applicable to all of humanity?

BannedFromNarnia · 14/08/2017 12:38

Rickets and diptheria were common when my parents were children, never mind my grandparents - depends on where you are from, and what econmic circumstances they were brought up in.

And more infants died when I was a child (80s) than now, because we know more about things like cot death and car safety.

IfYouDontImagineNothingHappens · 14/08/2017 12:38

I hate the phrase because it's the rudeness of criticising my parenting when I haven't criticised yours. I don't agree with hitting children, I lost respect for you when you hit me...but I'm also not going to explain that in depth because you can't go back and change it now.

flowery · 14/08/2017 12:38

Lots of children who bounced around loose in the back of cars in the 70's and 80's were ok. But they were lucky, rather than adequately looked after. Lots of those children were not ok.

Couldn't believe it when my parents suggested I take baby DS1 in the car sat on my lap in the back as "we're only going down the road".

histinyhandsarefrozen · 14/08/2017 12:40

Suvivor bias but also, your parents don't have all the information to make the judgement that you turned out ok - they're not living inside your head.

Exactly.

As for this woman being, a smug horror I don't doubt you, but why would anyone say that "she's turned out alright?"That's the last thing I'd say about someone so horrible.

53rdWay · 14/08/2017 12:41

Rickets is still around today. Even on the rise in some areas Sad

VulvalHeadMistress · 14/08/2017 12:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

catkind · 14/08/2017 12:42

Rickets is still an issue in the UK now as far as I know.

BeyondQueenOfLists · 14/08/2017 12:44

Can I add "they didn't have that in my day" often followed by "they'd just get a smack"

Yeah and your daughter was finally diagnosed with autism in her thirties and suffers major depression and anxiety. As well as discovering that her "hypochondria" was actually a genetically inherited disability. Slow clap for you. Hmm

Kazzyhoward · 14/08/2017 12:45

Yes, I turned out ok, but I've had a lifetime of learning to deal with the crap that my parents forced me to deal with. It was only once I was independent and left home that I could start to turn my life around and became "OK". Some parents just don't realise what damage they do to their kids. If I'd had a stable, loving, supportive childhood, I'd have probably turned out a hell of a lot better than "ok".