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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"We didn't do that and you turned out ok!"

180 replies

user1471517900 · 14/08/2017 11:45

AIBU to think this is the most annoying phrase you can hear with your child from grandparents? Or are there more?

OP posts:
Louiselouie0890 · 14/08/2017 12:46

Oh I hate it. It's usually a sentence that comes after awful advice.

Just because smith down the road survived a near death experience doesn't mean anyone else will lol

JustHappy3 · 14/08/2017 12:46

It's really annoying - but then horrifyingly i found myself doing it.
When the new car seat stuff was coming in and the backless booster seats are not up to standard anymore - and i found myself thinking pfffhhhttt my kid was ok.
But unlike the GPs i gave myself a metaphorical slap in the face with a wet kipper. I read the research and understood. And i don't have issues with the changes.
It's made me slightly more accepting of the stupid "we didn't do it like that" comments.

QueenEnid · 14/08/2017 12:47

I find "there's more than one way to count to ten" to be an adequate response to that.

The only reason people say it was ok in their day is because they feel that for whatever reason you are saying they're wrong or they're defensive that someone might do things a different way. My mum does it all the time.

this is in direct contrast to what I actually want to say which is "if I'm not asking or paying for your opinion then why would you assume to give it?"

notevernotnevernotnohow · 14/08/2017 12:48

Rickets is still around today. Even on the rise in some areas

Not a leading cause of infant mortality though, is it?

histinyhandsarefrozen · 14/08/2017 12:48

It's the approach of the baby boomer brexiteers in a microcosm.

Bemusedandpuzzled · 14/08/2017 12:49

YANBU, it's unbelievably smug.

Best reply: "Yes, I turned out OK, after struggling for years and then having counselling to remedy the damage".

MissMoneyPlant · 14/08/2017 12:49

notever Not really. There is a lot of theory, but its a soft science at best.

Then you have no idea how psychological research works, either. They don't just make stuff up and claim it as fact - theories are developed by experimentaing, research, testing different things and following different avenues.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 14/08/2017 12:50

I guess those who say it just mean 'alive', so in a way it's true.

bathildabagshot1 · 14/08/2017 12:51

In 1974 it was acceptable to have Jimmy Savile,Rolf Harris and Stuart Hall presenting prime time TV and having young fans visit them in their dressing rooms.

Times have changed.

Original poster
user1471517900 · 14/08/2017 12:53

notever - Do you think the reduction in infant mortality is due to a bit of luck then?

OP posts:
Jux · 14/08/2017 12:58

My dad was born in 1917 and my mum in 1924. All sorts of very nasty things were hanging about back then, and child/infant mortality was high in comparison to now. The improvement is mostly, due to science.

My gran was born sometime in the 1880s, can't remember exact year, and her husband, my grabdfather was born in the 1840s - even more horrid stuff.

So things like diphtheria, smallpox etc can still be quite real to people, including me, who lost quite a few greatuncles and great aunts due to those things.

Lottapianos · 14/08/2017 12:59

'Some parents just don't realise what damage they do to their kids'

You're so right and what's more, some are so desperate to have their own needs validated at all times, that they don't care either. Speaking from experience, in case you can't tell....

Hmm at the 'soft science' comment

Original poster
user1471517900 · 14/08/2017 13:01

Not even sure why anyone would take this criticism to heart either. If I was parenting in 1950 I wouldn't be using all these modern methods. I wouldn't know of them or why they were better. I can hardly be smug to simply be born now. Equally future generations can't pretend they wouldn't have done things that we do now.

This thread has gone in a much more serious way than I originally thought!

OP posts:
notevernotnevernotnohow · 14/08/2017 13:03

hmm at the 'soft science' comment

Psychology and sociology are known as soft sciences. And have been for a long time! Take it up with Auguste Comte....

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 14/08/2017 13:03

Don't worry.

You'll say the same to your children in 30 years time.
You'll promise that you won't but one day those words will trip off your tongue

LaurieMarlow · 14/08/2017 13:04

It's saying as we learn more we generally find better ways of dealing with things due to science.

Not necessarily. We're in danger of privileging 'science' over other discourses that may be more helpful. Particularly in the realm of parenting.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 14/08/2017 13:06

I would never say it- and I have a grown up son and gs

I might and do say 'ooh we didn't have that in my day' but why would I say 'and you turned out alright'? I'm not stupid.

mctat · 14/08/2017 13:07

'Ugh yes!! I feel,like yelling back "but I didn't did I? You made me feel anxious all the bloody time"'

My dp's don't actually do the phrase in the OP (thankfully) but I do identify with the above perspective - don't try anything new because we're 'ok'? How do you define 'ok'?

'Where is the science in loving and providing for your children? Being with them, talking to them, teaching them?
I have no idea what you may define as science but it has nothing to do with most of parenting.'

Actually, the science of connection has everything to do with parenting. Humans have a biological need to seek this, initially from their main caregiver(s).

Some strangely defensive perspectives here. There's nothing wrong with trying to avoid mistakes you feel your parents made or just finding your own way. Most parents don't need or want a running commentary on their parenting and that's okay.

KatsutheClockworkOctopus · 14/08/2017 13:08

Yanbu. I have a lot of "we got away with it so it must be fine" relatives. The constant digs about me being a "a bit funny" about various things including covering the pond and not overheating DS get very wearing.

alltouchedout · 14/08/2017 13:13

It irritates me because it becomes an emotionally charged 'by doing something we didn't you're implying we were poor parents' thing. Which no, of course I am not. It's just that knowledge moves on.

BetterEatCheese · 14/08/2017 13:13

I hate this. I certainly am not ok and am dealing with lots of things overhanging from childhood. I do hide them though so anyone would assume all is well

HighlyCompetentExWife · 14/08/2017 13:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CardinalCat · 14/08/2017 13:15

Yep, I was formula fed and my parents used to leave me to cry. My mum almost proudly told me that I could cry for 45 minutes before I'd shut up.

And of course, I am "ok". Well, I'm alive, aren't I??? (I have asthma and countless allergies and I've been in therapy for decades with attachment issues. Of course, this all might be entirely unconnected, but I really have to bite my tongue when my mother suggests that her grandchildren might sleep better if we just gave them a bottle and left them to cry for a bit. I've tried explaining about cortisol levels (yes, SCIENCE) but I'm fighting a losing battle so I smile and nod now. Smile and nod. And repeat.)

MissMoneyPlant · 14/08/2017 13:16

notever Psychology and sociology are known as soft sciences. And have been for a long time! Take it up with Auguste Comte....

Auguste Comte died in 1857. He was probably right about "psychology" of the time. We have moved on a bit since then. And we've moved on by questioning established knowledge, developing methods of testing hypotheses and so on - not by saying "oh, we always did it this way, and we were all right..." Hmm

HerOtherHalf · 14/08/2017 13:17

Response - "Maybe I did but I'm aspiring to a lot more than just "OK" for my kids".