"We didn't do that and you turned out ok!"

[user1471517900]

AIBU to think this is the most annoying phrase you can hear with your child from grandparents? Or are there more?

Not a leading cause of infant mortality though, is it?
Don't think that's relevant to the discussion. More people are aware and take appropriate preventative measures, it ought to be a less major issue than it used to be.

Grandparent who never had a child with rickets: Why are you giving your children vit D supplements? We never gave you those, you turned out OK.
Grandparent who did have a child with rickets: _

Hence the survivor bias argument. People who have experienced the problem won't make that argument. People who haven't experienced the problem may; their child may have been no less exposed to risk, but just got lucky on this one.

I have never used that sort of expression to my DD about her parenting, I tend not to comment on how she parents as it's not up to me how she does it, and as far as I can see she's doing a very good job.

However, I would point out that given the rise in violent crime being committed by, young men in particular, the levels of diagnosed anxiety in young children, yes I know that probably wasn't picked up on in the past, and the rise in suicides in children and young people, one could argue that whilst a lot of the older generations didn't always get parenting right, neither did the parents of all these very trouble children and young people who are harming themselves and others.

I don't think anyone has the right to be smug.

Hmmm. Lots of science and naggy advice but how come 20%+ of year 6 children are now overweight or obese?

We turn out alright IN SPITE of our parents rather than because of them (see Philip Larkin).

so much vitriol on here! Just for someone irritating you as well. What do you do when somebody's really horrible?

Today's new grandparents were generally new parents in an age which was quite adult-centred in many ways and where child-centred ways of doing things were just emerging and probably regarded with suspicion by the 'mainstream'. Add to that the human and cultural tendency to avoid appearing or even feeling in the wrong and to believe that attack is the best form of defence and you get comments like this.

In most cases simply saying 'you were happy with the way you did things and I am happy with the way I am doing them' is enough to shut down the comments without placating or opening cans of worms at inopportune times. If the can needs opening, it is probably best to do that within a dedicated chat.

catkind Yes, it's like those stupid memes you see on facebook - "I survived no seat belts, lead paint, being smacked... etc... share if you did too!" Well, obviously the ones who didn't survive won't be sharing that, morons!

Not a leading cause of infant mortality though, is it?

This is sort of the point. "Well we did XYZ and you didn't DIE, did you?" Well, no, indeed I'm alive. But let's raise the bar a bit on "didn't actually die", shall we?

Plus, one of the things I heard this the most about were SIDS guidelines, so the "nobody actually died!" thing is not even true there.

YABU to use 'parent' as a verb. I really wish our generation would stop doing it. It is highly wanky.

"Parent" as a verb annoyed me too, until I clocked it's a replacement for "mother" as a verb. Fine with it now.

Pigsdofly, I think every generation of people in general, and parents in particular, has its blind spots and issues it struggles with. We are probably better and more enlightened on emotional literacy, protecting our children from harm and teaching them confidence and self-assertion, but we are still (collectively) out of our depth on the challenges of the digital age and - certainly judging by threads on here - vulnerable to authoritarian backlash, as well as having allowed the pendulum to swing too far beyond sensible protection while supporting independence, and into overprotection and paranoia.

No doubt our children will make their own mistakes and overcorrections.

Just say "I'm so happy you think I am perfect, but you turned me into a perfectionist and now I want to do everything even better"

apart from what has already been said about (easily provable) decrease in child mortality, it is also the case that today's parents have to parent for the demands of today

easily measurable in a family like ours where the same inherited condition has made an impact for generations (and we have good memories)

when my grandmother had trouble with her health in childhood she was sent off to relatives in the country to recover- no fuss

when my dd's school attendance dropped below 85% due to health issues the school reported us to SS and we were threatened with prison

53rdway - ok, that helps.

I still struggle with the idea of having a 'style' or 'strategy' when it comes to existing in a family unit of adults and children. I think current over thinking-ness is a bit intense and harmful.

Hmm, the increase in mental health problems in our young people would suggest that as a parenting generation we have nothing to be smug about.

Also the rise in childhood obesity.

And I predict that future generations will be appalled at how much young kids are left alone with screens nowadays.

I used to get this from my father.

One day I said "Whilst I'm flattered that you think I'm so perfect there is no room for improvement, I disagree."

As he would never, ever think anyone one was perfect, apart from him, he had to shut up!

It occurs to me that " If you think I'm so perfect there is no room for improvement, why are you questioning my decisions?"

Would work equally well.

Yes 53rdWay, but SIDS was usually not down to willful neglect and bad parenting.

Parents were told by the 'experts' of the time that sleeping their babies on their stomachs was the absolutely safest way to put a child to sleep and that if a small baby was allowed to rolled onto it's back it would likely choke to death. If anything it was the opposite of carelessness.

Surely most grand parents understand these sensible changes and wouldn't make stupid remarks about things like that.

Saying well, we did things in a certain way and you survived, whilst being a bit silly and perhaps a tad annoying doesn't actually mean that they think they did it better, just differently and somehow they muddle through to bring you to adulthood.

Tinkly - Agreed on every point. I think our generation was much better prepared for life and the universe than the current interviewees I get at work (18-22 here). I also think that screen time is an issue (I am far from a saint with this one btw - especially in august but games consoles and tvs in bedrooms will never, ever happen in my house).

I think we are probably discussing at two different levels here.

It is clear that SIDS and feeding advice has moved with scientific knowledge and as a general blanket statement current advice is worth following.

Other parts of parenting are much more grey areas.

Yes 53rdWay, but SIDS was usually not down to willful neglect and bad parenting.

I never said it was! What on earth do you think I'm claiming, that I followed modern SIDS guidelines because I'm a less neglectful parent than my own were?

No, absolutely not. They did the best they had with the advice and knowledge they had. But that's no reason to roll their eyes and criticise the next generation for putting babies to sleep on their backs, because "we never did that and you survived."

(And saying "surely no grandparents would make comments about that" is a bit when I've just told you that my DC's did!)

Worse is this "you were smacked and turned out ok".

Drives me mad. DM and MIL especially are fond of this sort of nonsense.

Gems I've had include:

"Put the (newborn) baby to sleep on her tummy" DM

"Oof, why is she still in your room at seven months? OH was moved into his own bedroom at 1 day old, he kept me awake with his snuffling" MIL

"Breastfeeding shouldn't take so long, in my day you got all you needed in the first five minutes on each side. After that it's just comfort" DM

"Don't cuddle DD to sleep. You'll never break that habit" MIL

"You were just left to cry if you were being naughty for bed. I used to wheel you to the bottom of the garden in your pram and shut the door!" DM

"Give DD a rusk, you were all on baby rice at eight weeks" Both

All outdated rubbish, most of which has been proven so by modern science. Worse, some of it dangerous. And, when challenged all followed by the famous "I did it and you were fine", "you're making a rod for your own back" or "all this new advice is rubbish and just an attempt to make money"

Luckily I'm a confident enough person to tell both of them that I disagree and won't be doing that (whatever it is). They do get mightily offended sometimes!

I have older children now Teen and Tween and already in the past decade the advice regarding feeding, bottle sterilisation, car seats etc has moved on so much.

But I did the best for my children, according to the latest advice at the time. My friends and colleagues with newborns are given different advice, and like me, they're doing the best for their children with the latest advice they have got available to them. So naturally, they do things differently to me.

But I would never say my way was best / perfectly acceptable because my children "turned out okay" because...

A) it's a bloody rude thing to say.
B) its arrogant in that its assuming you know better than the latest research and statistical data. One case study does not make a fact..
C) it's disingenuous to the fact that when I / my mum / my nan etc had their children, we all did things our own way, according to the latest fashions / science / advice at the time. I didn't raise my children according to Dr Spock /1970s advice because things had moved on by then, and I wouldn't expect a mother today to raise her children by early 2000s advice.

Absolutely Heteronormative. Bringing up children is tricky and each generation brings with it different difficulties.

I find it quite sad, and I have no idea if it's just particularly prevalent on MN or a general part of life, that there seems to be such animosity between the generation of grand parents and the parents of young children.

Why does it have to be a war?

^Can I add "they didn't have that in my day" often followed by "they'd just get a smack"

Yeah and your daughter was finally diagnosed with autism in her thirties and suffers major depression and anxiety. As well as discovering that her "hypochondria" was actually a genetically inherited disability. Slow clap for you. hmm

^

beyond Are you me? Except in my case its ADHD that was diagnosed as a child but treatment declined in favour of discipline . But the rest is very similar! Sometimes I want to shout at them 'yes I am doing fine, because I actually got some help for my conditions'. No grudge here either