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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this wanky? Would you come?

565 replies

Crossoldwasp · 14/08/2017 09:17

Hi all,

DH's and my ten-year wedding anniversary is still a little way off yet, but I'm starting to think about putting on a low-key but "naice" event to celebrate with close friends and family (25 - 30 guests), and need to check that I'm not breaking any of the MN rules in relation to wedding-related party planning :)

What I'm thinking is to hire a room at the same venue where we got married (small Tudor hotel) and put on an afternoon tea (largely self-catered) and shitloads of prosecco event for mid-afternoon.

I wasn't thinking to do an evening event after, mainly as budget wouldn't stretch that far - though not sure what guests would make of this...? Most (but not all) guests live within an hour or two of the venue.

Am undecided on whether to do a formal renewal of vows. On the one hand it would give more of a sense of occasion to the day; on the other, I'm aware they can be seen by some as maybe a bit cheesy and self-congratulatory (am not saying they are at all!). I'm not particularly sold on renewing vows for its own sake though - another idea might be a couple of nice speeches to kick off proceedings instead?

We'd specify absolutely no presents, btw, and welcome / cater to the children in the family.

AIBU to wonder whether MNers would a) come and b) approve if invited by close friends or family to something like this...? Or would people be inwardly cringing into their scones and ruing lack of evening booze-up afterwards...?

Mumsnet feedback very welcome - thank you!!

OP posts:
DiscoDeviant · 15/08/2017 20:25

Or possibly because they'd always suspected my ex was a massive cheating bellend!

ImNotWhoYouThinkIAmOhNo · 15/08/2017 20:29

I'll come I don't get enough invites

Honestly, where's the harm? The sourpusses who will be professionally offended can naff off.

Throw a party if you want. Maybe couch it as just a relaxed get together with friends and family, that you can all enjoy without the pressure of wedding nerves this time round?
It's nice to share the happy times.
Hope you have a lovely day.

thatmakesmehappy · 15/08/2017 20:31

I think it sounds lovely! My family sound similar to yours and relish any chance to get together!
Sounds like the plan of being near your parents house may be a better idea for the guests, especially if prosecco is on offer!
I would avoid vow renewal, but short speeches would be lovely.

Just one thing, not all venues are insured for/allow bouncy castles, so would need to check that wherever you hire is.

Themostannoyingperson · 15/08/2017 20:32

Why not just have a party? 10 years us nothing for a marriage and it sounds a bit daft to celebrate. I would think something had happened to your relationship and this was

WhittlingIhopMonkey · 15/08/2017 20:37

A local evening do with free Prosecco, yes (probably...would depend who else was going and how often I saw the couple)

An afternoon do I have to drive to (and therefore can't drink) or book a hotel, no.

Just do something with your kids and leave the other 30 people off the hook.

alliwantforchristmasis · 15/08/2017 20:43

Op if you want to throw a party just do it, nothing lasts forever so show family and friends that you have made it through whatever adversities you have had to come through. Don't look at what everyone is writing on here do what you think is right.
If you decide to have a party make it the best you can, if you decide to just go away with your dh just do it and remember you've had 10 years together and are looking forward to the next 10. Congrats for when it happens

Sallystyle · 15/08/2017 20:51

I don't hint anything less than 50 yrs marriage warrants a party really

Why doesn't it? Why does something have to warrant a party? The OP wants one, her family like get togethers. She needs no other reason to have one.

Many marriages don't last 10 years and if they do they aren't always happy. I would be delighted to celebrate someone's 10th anniversary with them. It isn't 25 or 50 years but 10 years is not nothing either. You just need to look on MN to see how many unhappy marriages there are out there. As someone else said, we celebrate the fact that people get a year older every year. I think making a bigger deal out of a 10 year anniversary makes more sense that having a party just because you're one year older.

For some couples who have had to go through a lot of shit 10 years might be a big achievement for them.

I can't imagine ever getting an invite to a 10 year anniversary party and thinking that they shouldn't have a party because they haven't been married for long enough. I'm not that mean spirited.

PyongyangKipperbang · 15/08/2017 20:52

I wouldnt go to something that was wedding lite as it were.

A big party that isnt formal, just a get together with drinks dancing and some food, yes I would go to that.

Lovelymess · 15/08/2017 21:05

Sounds lovely! I'd come

CoughLaughFart · 15/08/2017 21:18

I'm amazed by the number of people saying 'why not go away for the weekend instead?' or 'Why not make it an informal BBQ?'

The OP is looking for an opportunity for a family get-together. She is not asking whether she is obliged to throw such a party; she wants to do it. Why would a weekend away be a suitable alternative?

The OP has also said that a) her house isn't really suitable and b) that she is now considering a different venue closer to home. Why don't people read more than the opening post?

Mumsky1 · 15/08/2017 21:19

I think it's a fab idea. Why not! Life's too short. Celebrate everything that means something to you. I agree with some others, you can celebrate your anniversary without renewals. Enjoy it! X

Hygge · 15/08/2017 21:32

CoughLaughFart - I was wondering the same thing.

The OP wants a party for her anniversary, not a holiday.

She hasn't asked if she should chose between a party or a holiday, so other people preferring holidays to parties for their own anniversaries doesn't mean she can't host a party if she wants one.

MaybeDoctor · 15/08/2017 22:16

I am thinking of doing something similar for our 20th, coming up in a few years.

Because marriage is/can be quite hard work at times, as numerous MN threads attest!

Why shouldn't there be a celebration of doing it successfully for a long time? People do have celebrations of working somewhere for 20/30 years, it is just the same!

Ginburee · 15/08/2017 22:42

Maybe a tea part but not a renewal of vows, I would save that for a 25th (and personally I wouldn't do it) but a 10th, just have a weekend away with hubby and enjoy it.
We had our 10th a couple of years ago and your post OP makes me cringe a lot.

pollymere · 16/08/2017 00:12

When I got to ten years I realized that it's something to celebrate privately and thought I'd renew vows at fifteen years instead. I got there and chickened out. Now it's nearing twenty and I've realised that 25 years is the one with the big party. If you want to celebrate ten, go for it but keep it informal as otherwise it does suggest you've had a bust up!

LoniceraJaponica · 16/08/2017 06:16

Marriage shouldn't be hard work. If you are married to the right person you shouldn't feel like you are treading on eggshells round your spouse.

Cupcake99 · 16/08/2017 06:36

I had thoughts when we celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary-I was planning a boat trip,something very low key,but the costs were mounting up when I looked at it seriously...in the end we decided to take the kids to euro Disney instead-had a whale of a time :) (and no blow back of who was invited and who wasn't!)

AztecHero · 16/08/2017 06:37

I think this whole thread just shows up one thing.

Some people prefer one sort of party and event. Others prefer another.

So do what you want, understand that whatever you plan will not suit everyone (you know, the ones who aren't actually throwing the party but just invited) and have a really good time and enjoy your own party whatever you do.

BertrandRussell · 16/08/2017 06:54

I am still amazed at the idea that people decide whether or not to go to parties based on what the party's celebrating. That's just wierd........

AztecHero · 16/08/2017 07:02

agree Bertrand. I have also been astonished at how pursed lipped people are about renewing vows.

Where is the generosity of spirit?

Cupcake99 · 16/08/2017 07:04

Just wanted to add, I would attend a party if I was invited by my friend-distance and the reason for the party would have no bearing on my attendance! Throw your heels up and enjoy,whatever format you go with OP!! Grina couple of months ago,I flew back to the U.K. For a party a friend was hosting,they celebrated their children's milestone birthdays,a major wedding anniversary,the anniversary of moving into their house and children's graduation from uni. The occasion doesn't matter-it is an opportunity to get your nearest and dearest in one place at one time! Go for it and have a ball :)

cassiewoo · 16/08/2017 07:19

I would think why on earth haven't you used the money you spent on the party to go away for the weekend with your husband?

Goldfishshoals · 16/08/2017 07:43

not a party worthy occasion.

This is such a weird way of thinking I can't even get my head around it. Why does an occasion have to be 'worthy' before you throw a party?

In my social circle I've been to parties for all kinds of spurious reasons (new job, having head shaved, unbirthday), but even if you are more conventional I don't see how a ten year anniversary is less 'worth' celebrating than halloween, christmas, birthdays, new year etc all of which are perfectly normal 'party occasions'.

cherish123 · 16/08/2017 08:10

I don't think people would expect evening entertainment- it is an anniversary not a wedding - and if they do, tough. However, I would think a significant proportion won't come. Most people don't really celebrate anniversaries and include that many people- unless it is 25th or 40th.

porolli · 16/08/2017 08:30

I think it sounds great. Life is for celebrating. It's a lovely thing to invite people to a party and I really think people on this thread are being harsh and judgmental!
Please don't be put off.