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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this wanky? Would you come?

565 replies

Crossoldwasp · 14/08/2017 09:17

Hi all,

DH's and my ten-year wedding anniversary is still a little way off yet, but I'm starting to think about putting on a low-key but "naice" event to celebrate with close friends and family (25 - 30 guests), and need to check that I'm not breaking any of the MN rules in relation to wedding-related party planning :)

What I'm thinking is to hire a room at the same venue where we got married (small Tudor hotel) and put on an afternoon tea (largely self-catered) and shitloads of prosecco event for mid-afternoon.

I wasn't thinking to do an evening event after, mainly as budget wouldn't stretch that far - though not sure what guests would make of this...? Most (but not all) guests live within an hour or two of the venue.

Am undecided on whether to do a formal renewal of vows. On the one hand it would give more of a sense of occasion to the day; on the other, I'm aware they can be seen by some as maybe a bit cheesy and self-congratulatory (am not saying they are at all!). I'm not particularly sold on renewing vows for its own sake though - another idea might be a couple of nice speeches to kick off proceedings instead?

We'd specify absolutely no presents, btw, and welcome / cater to the children in the family.

AIBU to wonder whether MNers would a) come and b) approve if invited by close friends or family to something like this...? Or would people be inwardly cringing into their scones and ruing lack of evening booze-up afterwards...?

Mumsnet feedback very welcome - thank you!!

OP posts:
RubyWinterstorm · 15/08/2017 17:59

it could work if there was good treat food, no table settings, no formality, speeches totalling less than 5 minutes (ideally 2) and plenty of drink.

otherwise....ehm, I might look for an excuse to not come

Miracle33 · 15/08/2017 18:06

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns, so we've agreed to take this down.

kennycat · 15/08/2017 18:07

It's not something I've heard of before but if I was invited I'd certainly attend if it as the too far from home. What's not to like about a posh afternoon tea and drinks? If someone thought enough of me to invite me and cater for me, I'd not be so mean as to not attend because I didn't think it was a monumental reason for a celebration. For the hosts it's clearly merits a celebration.

I've been happy enough to go to weddings that I've not seen the point of as I know they will end in divorce imminently, so actually it would be nice to celebrate a marriage that had succeeded! Does that make sense?!

liverbird10 · 15/08/2017 18:11

Hi OP, very kind of you to invite us all. Add in a ton of booze and a slap up meal and I'll definitely join in.

GrinWinkGrin

Springprim · 15/08/2017 18:12

If you or anyone reading this decides to renew vows after a partner had an affair, I don't see the harm in this. Perhaps the couple are trying to make a fresh start? I'm aware that people who do renew their vows after an affair often end up getting divorced, but let's give them some hope!
I would come along by the way. Congratulations on your anniversary.

notafish · 15/08/2017 18:12

My DH and I went away to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary. I'd think that was more the norm than a celebration that involves guests. I've never heard of a party being held for less than 25 years of marriage. However, what you have planned sounds lovely and as others have said, it depends on your social circle and family dynamics and how they would judge the celebration of 10 years of marriage.

NewJourney · 15/08/2017 18:13

Some people really hate the renewal of vows thing, if you aren't worried about that being in front of lots of people you could do renewal of vows as a private thing just between you and your husband? No one would need to know and it would make the day more special for you.

Most people like an excuse for a party so if doing a little do will make you happy, go for it! Smile

gemma19846 · 15/08/2017 18:15

Sorry i agree that its a celebration foe just the 2 of you, i cant imagine anyone else would really be that excited 😕

FreakinScaryCaaw · 15/08/2017 18:19

Do it!! Life really is too short. Family get togethers should be done often.

GrumpyOldBag · 15/08/2017 18:24

Why don't you just have a drinks party? You don't really need a reason.

ElizaDontlittle · 15/08/2017 18:30

I think it's a lovely idea, your second post makes your motivation really clear and you want to host your family and friends and share this with them. Go for it OP and don't let MN put you off!
I too go to lots of slightly overwhelming children's parties and it's nice to see it as giving something back. But I hate a fuss of me - married with 2 witnesses for this reason - but if you were my friend I would absolutely go!

BubblesBubblesBubbles · 15/08/2017 18:31

I'd go Smile

Sounds lovely op! Just the sort of thing I'd enjoy - afternoon with family and friends with a few drinks.

CPtart · 15/08/2017 18:39

Sounds a lot of fuss for ten years. DH and I were together for nine before we even got engaged. Renewing vows a big no. All a bit contrived.

ChattyLion · 15/08/2017 18:58

I LOVE excused to see people I care about and drink prosecco - who the fuck in normal life would begrudge such an invitation

OP do what the fuck you like and anyone miserable enough to not come can just f off.

^^this.
Life's too short OP, congrats on your anniversary and I hope you all have a great time at the party. Flowers

Sallystyle · 15/08/2017 19:21

We will be celebrating 10 years next year.

We thought about a party but decided on going to Paris for a long weekend as we didn't have a honeymoon.

Ignore the miserable MNers.

10 years might not be that long in the grand scheme of long marriages but it's still a decent amount of time and it is certainly something special to celebrate. I know if I did have a party my close friends and family would love celebrating with us. They like us though and love get togethers so it wouldn't be a hardship and if they didn't want to come they can simply say no.

It sll sounds very nice but why bother? 10 years is NOTHING

Nothing? My soon to be 10 years is not nothing. Sadly, many marriages don't even last that long. 10 years and still happily married is something I would quite happily celebrate with my friends and family. Paris won though.

libbyb · 15/08/2017 19:38

We are both in our 2nd marriages - so you may not expect this to happen to you - however - we had a wonderful wedding day with a host of friends and family that meant everything to us and were a big part of our lives. When it was our 10th anniversary we invited everyone from the wedding and included new joint friends that we were very involved with. We didn't renew our vows ( we had a little girl who was more than proof of our commitment to each other ) and our joint families - same venue - different menu!! It worked for us as our numbers weren't huge and we had a great evening that was in no way a replicatin of our wedding day! Do what is right for you - we had a lovely wedding and a great 10th anniversary - it meant something to everyone because they all knew our story - they were all friends xx

ohhelpohnoitsa · 15/08/2017 19:42

I think it very much depends on your family and friends normal etiquette. If gatherings and parties are regular then do it for sure and enjoy. If it's likely to come as an unusual surprise to most, it may not be quite so well received. None of my friends or family would do it and I feel wedding anniversaries are for the couple to celebrate not me. Even so, if someone just invited me for an afternoon tea for fun, I would jump at it. Depends on the culture in your close circle I think. Ps. People will still feel they must buy a present even if you say no. Maybe have a collection for a charity instead thwn people can add as much as as little as they please without being compromised.

Lovingit81 · 15/08/2017 19:45

Sounds lovely. Although I've always thought renewal of vows is odd...like you didn't mean them the first time. I wouldn't give two hoots what we think though! Enjoy Flowers

greenenergy · 15/08/2017 19:46

I have only got to page 3 of this thread and am really depressed at the number of people who have said they CBA to drive 2 hours to someone's party because they wouldn't be able to get pissed on the free Prosecco.

It sounds lovely - a great excuse for a family and friends get together. Totally understand why you want to have it at a hotel - otherwise you would have to worry about clearing up/ what happens if it rains/ etc etc.

If you are only having 25-30 people I imagine most of them would be family - our small family adds up to 20 easily. Renewal of vows is also lovely and touching.

Go for it. Its not wanky and my family and friends would love it. When DH and I had significant birthdays together we did similar. It was really nice

CottonSock · 15/08/2017 19:47

Spend the money on a weekend away.. personally

libbyb · 15/08/2017 19:52

we did ours because we thought that the traditional 'Silver' etc would be beyond our celebration - our 10th was absolutely exactly what we wanted!! Closest friends and family, loveliest food and perfect venue ! We did have a double whammy - celebrated our 22nd since - but do'nt regret our 10 year celebration xx

DonkeyOil · 15/08/2017 20:05

That Cake does look amazing, Ninon. I'm sure even Britt would agree that a tea of that quality deserves a 'slap up' accreditation!

juggler4 · 15/08/2017 20:06

I always love a family get-together, being very close with my cousins who we never see. I think you should go for it - it sounds like you have good reason to celebrate with close family and friends.
If you have a wedding video, it might be fun to show some edited highlights, happy memories of your special day.
If there are a lot of young kids you may want to go to poundland and buy some toys/games to put in a corner and keep them amused.

Bunnyfuller · 15/08/2017 20:22

I don't hint anything less than 50 yrs marriage warrants a party really, lovely idea but I think a lovely weekend away for you and DH would be a better celebration for this. We give each other a handwritten love note each year (16 this year)

DiscoDeviant · 15/08/2017 20:24

I'd go. I love a party!

I'd shy away from renewing your vows. I did it with my ex for our 10th. It was just the two hours of us though in secret and was supposed to be a fresh start after it came to light he'd had numerous affairs.... (I did grow a pair eventually and kick him out) when people found out we'd done it, nothing was said at the time, but when we eventually split (6 years later) they said they'd guessed as vow renewals are usually because someone has cheated! Not sure if that's a wide held view or just my cynical family and friends Grin