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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move my children to China

174 replies

Maisy313 · 13/08/2017 15:43

My dh has been asked to move to China for 18 months to 2 years, its a request rather than a summons but it would probably give him the push he needs to break that glass ceiling. I work part time in a fairly senior position in the media industry and would have to hand in my notice. We've got 2 children aged 6 and 3 and they would be sent to an international school on the company and we would be given a house to live in so the rent from our flat in London would equate to my wage. I go from thinking it's an amazing opportunity to travel and for my dh career-wise and possibly for me depending on what I can sort out as I would try and find similar work. But I hate the thought of being financially dependent on my partner and of jacking my career in (at a point where it's really taking off). I worry about the children being messed up by the move and the pollution being bad (I think we would move to Hangzhou). On the other hand the education they receive should be amazing and the school looks very welcoming. Is it a crazy idea or would you just go for the adventure?

OP posts:
Orangebird69 · 14/08/2017 10:15

Way before we had ds, my dh got into a career that always pays way more than my career did... it made sense for us, when planning a family, to work around dh's job. And as I posted up thread, it doesn't always mean the end of a career for the woman. It can mean a totally new one. It does happen. It's happened to me. Because I've done it. And witnessed it happen for others.

Exactly thisway. And it's true. Because I've done it and seen it happen. It's changed my working life for the better and I've met many men who have travelled and 'sacrificed' their work for their wives.

Thiswayorthatway · 14/08/2017 10:16

Opportunities and change can be positive and negative. The unknown can be worrying and exciting.

Loopytiles · 14/08/2017 10:19

It does happen, orangebird, but far more often it doesn't.

Orangebird69 · 14/08/2017 10:22

How do you know Loopy? I'm assuming by your posts, it's something you've not done yourself?

KarateKitten · 14/08/2017 10:26

No reason why not really unless you're not into the idea. It's not an unusual thing to do.

Summerswallow · 14/08/2017 10:26

12stars I think it's important to discuss the downsides as well as the upsides. Some of the stuff on this thread early on just isn't realistic- not all children are 'flexible' (some hate change, one of mine cried most days for months after moving, I don't regret moving, but not all children are very adaptable and the age/how much they are embedded in current friendships/want to leave makes a huge difference, others love it), most don't become bilingual after 18 months in an international school, it's not all a 'big adventure' (witness the threads on overseas of women literally weeping in the early days saying I'd give anything to go back) and I think for women, realistically, they often take the bigger hit to their careers and their financial clout in the relationship.

I have tonnes of friends who are immigrants/mixed culture/live abroad for varying times and I've observed those who do best are a) those who have good strong marriages before they start b) prioritise both aspects of a couple- so that might not mean the wife working, but that does mean the spouse supporting the stay at home parent to meet others/make friends/make their own life as it's much harder for them c) have children who are quite adaptable/no major health or other issues (if there's one child with major issues/mental health problems, these do not translate well or respond well to change).

I wouldn't do it as I know I would have hated it with a 3 and a 6 year old. I love my job and wouldn't be able to do it abroad for 18 months and it would have been disastrous to have jumped ship at that point. It would be fine now and I'd be open to a 1-2 year sabbatical for that reason. We also needed stability as a family at that time point. But different families need and can take different things, and I think actually 3 and 6 is a good age and probably better than teenagers to get up and go and it sounds like career-wise this could be ok for the OP if she works at making it work for her.

TipTopTipTopClop · 14/08/2017 10:27

Do it!

Lunde · 14/08/2017 10:31

I think that the pollution issue would worry me most with having small children as in many cities there are days/weeks when it is too dangerous to be outside at all. A lot of schools have indoor playgrounds. There are a lot of expat articles/webpages about the safety issue of having small kids in China - so perhaps check these out.

Thiswayorthatway · 14/08/2017 10:36

And I actually earn more than my DH, I have always done, both before and after DC. But our move abroad for his job was the right decision for our family, we're a team.

IroningMountain · 14/08/2017 10:41

Yy to Summer's post.

I had a forces childhood so moved a lot including abroad. I've seen the impact the expact life can have on the partner and his/her career. Not everybody is cut out to be a trailing spouse, it's hard. Most importantly it doesn't suit all kids. My sister was fine, it had a big impact on me and not in a positive way.

Op you really need to do some research into the long term impact the pollution will have on your children. Anything negative would be a simple no for me. Uprooting them,impacting their education( every move can cause 6 months delay) is one thing but long term health risks is irresponsible and selfish imvho.

Ecclesiastes · 14/08/2017 10:50

Quitting your job to follow hubby overseas isn't an 'opportunity' and an 'adventure'.

It's the most boringly conventional thing a woman can do. You might as well embroider yourself a tabard with 'Second Class Citizen' on it.

Orangebird69 · 14/08/2017 10:52

This reply has been deleted

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Tazerface · 14/08/2017 10:59

I wouldn't.

He'll have other options to break the glass ceiling.

If you drop your career now you might not.

Plus - 2 years in a country where you (presumably) don't speak the language, have no friends or contacts aside from your husband and not even a job to keep you occupied? No thanks.

Orangebird69 · 14/08/2017 11:13

It can be done Tazerface. You make new friends. Learn a few words (I only speak a few in Arabic but english is all over the country and the business language). I got asked to apply for a job. Yeah, the first few months can be really hard but it's what you make it. If you don't try, how will you ever know?

Hillingdon · 14/08/2017 11:24

All this would he do it for you etc? That isn't really the point. An opportunity has come about for one of you. It sounds like there are some options for you and could you imagine coming back to the UK with a working knowledge of Chinese.

I would absolutely go.

Orangebird69 · 14/08/2017 11:30

Hillingdon

Misogyny = bad
Misandry = absolutely fine if it suits your agenda on MN. 🙄

Tazerface · 14/08/2017 11:35

I'm sure it can be done but I still wouldn't. Too many unknowns for me and I'm generally quite a jump in feet first type.

How easy would it be to find a job that works around a 3 and 6 year old? It's difficult enough in this country.

Categoric · 14/08/2017 11:35

I would be very careful with the pollution. A client of mine has moved back and commutes to work there 1 week out of 3 because of the effects of pollution on her kids.

fishfingerman307 · 14/08/2017 11:40

Turned down a similar opportunity a while back when DH was offered a promotion in Singapore. Similar to a PP, we felt we'd just got to a stage where our life in the UK is how we want it and didn't feel the pros were sufficient to outweigh this.

Main factors for us were:

  • I'd have to give up my job and it would be v hard to find an equiv (either seniority or flexibility) on return. I just couldn't imagine never working again.
  • DC in schools we're happy with and eldest was about to start a secondary that we'd worked hard to get a place at (selective)
  • DPs getting older, possibly needing help in the near future but certainly not able to have the same close relationship with their DGC
  • wider family and friends network. We like them and would miss them!

Mainly though, it was that if anything went wrong or any of us weren't happy abroad, there was no safety net. DH wouldn't be able to find another job at the same level if we came back early, and I'd have no job. We just couldn't take that risk.

Orangebird69 · 14/08/2017 11:41

Tazerface - a job in a school. A lot easier to do in international schools abroad. Because the expat workforce is so transient, there's almost always openings in international schools for staff (not just teaching posts). If you have any kind if transferable skills its doable. The majority of international schools go from kindergarten through to 6th form so child friendly hours or childcare are totally possible.

cestlavielife · 14/08/2017 11:42

Ask your work about a period of unpaid leave with job back at the end of it.

Tazerface · 14/08/2017 11:44

Ok. I still wouldn't do it. I don't want to work in a school. And I'm a project manager for a high street bank so not sure my skill set would transfer anyway.

Cantseethewoods · 14/08/2017 11:46

could you imagine coming back to the UK with a working knowledge of Chinese.

She won't. Seriously. The only westerners I know who have anything close to useful mandarin are married to locals and have been immersed in China for 10 years + so forced to learn or not be able to communicate. Even then, most of them dont read it fluently.

Re. the trailing spouse thing, there are some male trailing spouses but it's disingenuous to suggest that they're anything but notable exceptions, at least in Asia. Getting paid work as a TS in China is not impossible - however, getting a role of the same level/ in the same industry is not always easy or possible. I dont get the impression that the OP wants to take a step back/ redirecther career and on that basis I think it would pay her to consider the risks. We also dont know what her earning power is relative to her DH.

Tazer The childcare wouldnt necesarily be an issue as most women in China work, there are amahs and China has recently opened up to FDH from the Philippines. But again, you need to be on board with that system of childcare.

I guess what I'm saying is that it can be an adventure but it's not comparable to an expat-lite posting in Sing/HK/ME. I go up to China a lot for work. It's really not the easiest country.

ShanghaiDiva · 14/08/2017 11:46

How easy would it be to find a job that works around a 3 and 6 year old? It's difficult enough in this country

It's actually very easy to employ an ayi to look after children or help with shopping, cooking and cleaning.

Cantseethewoods · 14/08/2017 11:48

sorry- used the wrong word- I said amah, but SD has used the correct term- ayi

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