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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move my children to China

174 replies

Maisy313 · 13/08/2017 15:43

My dh has been asked to move to China for 18 months to 2 years, its a request rather than a summons but it would probably give him the push he needs to break that glass ceiling. I work part time in a fairly senior position in the media industry and would have to hand in my notice. We've got 2 children aged 6 and 3 and they would be sent to an international school on the company and we would be given a house to live in so the rent from our flat in London would equate to my wage. I go from thinking it's an amazing opportunity to travel and for my dh career-wise and possibly for me depending on what I can sort out as I would try and find similar work. But I hate the thought of being financially dependent on my partner and of jacking my career in (at a point where it's really taking off). I worry about the children being messed up by the move and the pollution being bad (I think we would move to Hangzhou). On the other hand the education they receive should be amazing and the school looks very welcoming. Is it a crazy idea or would you just go for the adventure?

OP posts:
Turkeyneck · 13/08/2017 17:06

Haven't read the whole thread but have you considered asking your company if there might be some work you could do out there for them? You might be surprised! Happened to me when I moved despite being tiny company.....
I would go!

simon50 · 13/08/2017 17:12

My only concern would be the timing. Given the Trump, NK situation at present, how long before you have to make a decision ?

I would go for it if things calm down, I'm sure it would make your children more rounded people. Wish I had had something like that when I was growing up !

crazywriter · 13/08/2017 17:18

I'd go for it but I'm not one of those to think too far into the future and I like the adventure. If you didn't know would you always think "what If?" And regret the decision?

Talk to your work to find out about working from home and around China. There's also lots of online work now and you have the opportunity to do something over there (like teach english) that you'd never have thought of before. A friend did a year in China, putting her career on hold but gained so much more and doesn't regret it.

My DH has given up his career to move for mine. He doesn't regret spending more time with our DDs (and I ask every month to make sure) and has found online work that he never considered before.

user1493059174 · 13/08/2017 17:19

Go for it! The children are great ages and 2 years will pass in the blink of an eye. Immerse you and your children into a totally different culture. What an opportunity, travel is the best education and could only be seen as a plus on your CV.

Sukitakeitoff · 13/08/2017 17:19

I think it's unlikely the children will learn much, if any, Chinese by the way - if they go to an international school they will be taught in English and make friends with other expat kids.

Not saying that's negative as such, and it will be a great cultural learning opportunity for them, just probably not a language learning one.

OhhBetty · 13/08/2017 18:05

I wouldn’t do it unless I could definitely continues my career there. But then I'd never ever choose to be totally dependent on any partner.

Beachbaby2017 · 13/08/2017 18:11

Would you be able to save money, as a family, living there? Because companies are fickle and careers aren't guaranteed, so the promise of more money/a promotion possibly in the future wouldn't sway me.

I've done the expat thing, it's a very mixed bag. Don't underestimate the loneliness of being the "trailing spouse." I wouldn't do it unless I felt like we'd leave having come out ahead financially in a quantifiable way or I really really wanted to have the experience of living in the given country. Living somewhere is so different than visiting, for better and for worse.

whippetwoman · 13/08/2017 18:18

I think your children are young enough but my family did a year abroad and I hated a lot of it as a child. I was older though, aged 9 whereas my younger sibling aged 6 was ok. So for me it would be a definite no.

Genghi · 13/08/2017 19:49

@Sukitakeitoff - even the poshest private schools in China teach Mandarin. You can't function in China without it.

Bumshkawahwah · 13/08/2017 20:28

I lived in China for 3.5 years in Shenzhen (just left a year ago) and here are my pros and cons

Pros
The international school experience is great for kids- they meet kids from all over. Because of this, but it's not the same pressure on kids to be cool, or to dress the same as their friends for example.
Great holidays traveling around China and Asia in general.
People meet and bond quickly so you can have a fab social life.
You can hire an 'ayi' or auntie to do babysitting, cleaning etc. if that floats your boat. My lovely ayi was invaluable for helping translate with maintenance men, postmen, delivery drivers etc etc.

Cons
The pollution.
Healthcare. I can't comment on HangZhou, but where I lived, there were international clinics but emergency medicine was dire. I lived in fear of an emergency as I did not speak Chinese so would struggle to call an ambulance, which were glorified taxis.

China can be full on. I found there to be quite a culture gap...but it was certainly interesting. I don't miss squat toilets, being elbowed out of the way in crowds and people grabbing my kids to take selfies with them.

I would say, go for it. But I wouldn't necessarily go counting on getting work. Getting a work visa is not straightforward, and it's not somewhere I'd risk working without one.

If I can help you with any questions, please feel free to PM me .

Bumshkawahwah · 13/08/2017 20:29

I should add, learning about China in general is so, so interesting. It is so diverse and different. There's so much to see and do.

Sukitakeitoff · 13/08/2017 22:50

@Genghi fair enough maybe I'm wrong about that. I've known people with kids at international schools in France, Malaysia and Hong Kong who didn't learn the local language to any significant extent but perhaps mainland China is different.

Bumshkawahwah · 13/08/2017 23:12

Re: kids learning Chinese. My children had Chinese lessons every day at their international school. Ayi tried to speak to them in Chinese and English at home but they could still say bugger all after more than 3 years. It really depends on the school and their Chinese department. They can sing some lovely Chinese New Year songs, mind you. There is just not enough immersion in the expat/international school bubble.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 13/08/2017 23:30

I wouldn't. Partly because I'm not the naturally adventurous type but partly because we have worked really hard to build a life as close to perfect as you can get and I'm damned if I'm giving it up. (My two are 7 and 4 btw.)

I work in a male dominated industry but due to years of service managed to negotiate working part time. From September I'll be doing 4 pick ups a week.
Dh has negotiated flexible working so can do the other pick up a week.
I've managed to keep my career going through the very difficult "early years" - it is about to get easier.
I'm in a niche and very popular area at work where jobs come up at my level roughly once a decade.
Each of us earns enough so that if the other one loses their job, does in a freak mincing machine accident or buggers off never to be seen again then our family would cope.
We have family that are not local but close enough to visit very regularly giving the kids a really good relationship with both sets of grandparents.
Kids are in an over subscribed school. Eldest is undeniably "quirky" but they seem to "get" her.
Kids are in a ridiculously popular incredibly good sports club where you have to put your children down as embryos to get a place. Eldest is showing promise and has just been moved into a competition squad.

Some of these are probably seem silly to other people but they make our life happy.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 13/08/2017 23:31

(The reason I know all this is a job abroad recently came up for me so we discussed the pros and cons.)

TheProdigalRhubarb · 13/08/2017 23:34

I wouldn't, personally. I love living where I live. I'd miss my garden, my friends, and it would be impossible to take the cat.

My view is probably coloured by years and years of travelling for work, and living in a place I hated for too long. I have no appetite for such adventures any more and just want to put down roots and watch my kids grow up here with a strong sense of belonging.

I have a number of friends who live expat lives and many of them are jaded with it now. Not all though - some thrive on it.

HeddaGarbled · 13/08/2017 23:37

I wouldn't, just because of your comment about your career being at the point where it's really taking off. Jobs in media are so dependent on being in the right place at the right time. Sacrifice your position now and remove yourself from the field for 2 years and you may never get back to where you are now.

What glass ceiling is he up against? That expression is usually used to refer to women not being able to break into the top floor. Is it a class thing?

ihatethecold · 13/08/2017 23:54

As a child I spent 4 years growing up in HK.
We learnt Cantonese at school and I have very fond memories of living over there.
I'm really glad our family made the decision to move out east while we were kids.

Aeviternity · 13/08/2017 23:56

Personally I'd go anywhere but China, as I spent a few months there a few years back and I just found it kinda meh to be honest. I prefer Europe. It is not a culture centered around caring for one another and it can get pretty infuriating, and then at the other end of the scale, the poverty and human rights abuses make me reluctant to support it in any way.

Newmanwannabe · 14/08/2017 00:09

Do it! Two years is such a short time. You'll be home before you know it and if you don't go in two years time you'll be saying we'd be back now. You'll have an amazing experience

Could you do some post grad study for your media work whilst away, that would keep you in the work loop?

notevernotnevernotnohow · 14/08/2017 00:10

I don;t think you know what glass ceiling means,

ShanghaiDiva · 14/08/2017 00:12

Ime your children will pick up some mandarin and have lessons at school, the difficulty is maintaining the language after you have left China.
I have been a trailing spouse for over 20 years (9 in China ) and the 2 most important factors for me are education and healthcare. Plenty of international schools in China, but do check standards and look beyond the marketing. For surgery or serious health issues my dh's company's policy is evacuation to HK.

ShanghaiDiva · 14/08/2017 00:15

Also - suggest you get this moved to living overseas as there are a few of us there who live in China.

PastaOfMuppets · 14/08/2017 00:20

Only do it if you are prepared for the worst case scenarios to happen.
You and DH might both agree only to 2 years, or only to stay if everyone is happy, etc., but things can change and you need to be aware that this might mean the end of your career, he might decide to stay and you end up moving back with the DCs - I speak from experence. Think it all through really carefully.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 14/08/2017 00:30

We moved around quite a lot pre-kids and it did have an impact on my career so I would think quite carefully about that part.

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