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Original poster

To not discipline DS for shouting at an adult

986 replies

riverotter · 12/08/2017 12:37

DS(10) is normally quiet and quite polite. However, he can explode a bit if pushed.

He was at a friend's house last night and I picked him up at just after 8. The mum seemed a bit quiet and this morning she sent a text asking if we could talk so I called her.

Her version is that DS shouted and slammed a glass down on the table and it made everybody feel very uncomfortable. Obviously I asked what brought it on and she said it was because her mum, so his friend's grandma, had offered DS a sandwich!

So I spoke to DS. He started crying Sad and said he did but he didn't really like any of them so kept saying no thank you, no thank you. But apparently the gran kept saying go on, have one, they are nice, I've been making these all afternoon. He said she was waving one in his face when he shouted 'no, I said no.' (I actually taught him that phrase a while back.)

So - discipline or not? I'm not sure how to deal with this. I hate rudeness but I hate people who won't say no for an answer as well.

OP posts:
CakesRUs · 13/08/2017 09:58

You said yourself he's quite polite until he's pushed. I think you're making excuses for his bad behaviour and need to stop it or you are going to really run into trouble when he's a teenager. You're making excuses because you love him, but it won't serve him well in the long run. I'm not judging you, I've learned this mistake myself the hard way.

notevernotnevernotnohow · 13/08/2017 09:58

OP said it happened 4 or 5 times so far,and while it would be easy to assume based on this incident,it doesn't necessarily mean that those explosions where violent as well

This one was not violent.

GetAHaircutCarl · 13/08/2017 09:59

I have read the whole thread buck.

grecian100 · 13/08/2017 10:26

Gosh, yes - I do have to ask as i was honestly privately impressed with him

Impressed that he was rude OP? You sound like a great role model Hmm Slamming a glass down and shouting is aggressive. This is really not a got attribute in a 10 year old. Teach him how to stand his ground in a civilized manner perhaps?

NataliaOsipova · 13/08/2017 10:35

OP, I do think it was graceless of the mother to complain to you, really. I don't complain to a child's parents when there's an incident on a playdate and it was six of one and half a dozen of the other, which IMO this incident was

But you weren't there. So your opinion (as is mine) is now based on third hand speculation. Whatever the rights and wrongs of it, the mother, who was there and was nominally "in charge", felt that something had gone so wrong that, not only was she visibly affected at the time, she felt the need - in the cold light of the next day - to contact the OP to discuss it. As I said upthread, she has obviously stewed on that and, I bet, discussed it with others. That's not a graceless complaint. From what the OP has said she (the hostess) has said, she has been deliberately measured and factual in her choice of words. No hurling of insults or accusations of poor parenting or anything of the sort. But she felt that the OP needed to know what had happened.

That's the one "known" in this situation, I think. The boy has clearly caused pretty significant offence in the house to which he was invited. You may think the hosts were entirely in the wrong, both in their actions and in taking offence. But that is their view. The only question now is whether the OP is happy to think they are wrong and leave it as it is -with those (and possibly other) bridges burned - or whether she wants to try to rescue the situation in some way.

notevernotnevernotnohow · 13/08/2017 10:37

the mother, who was there and was nominally "in charge", felt that something had gone so wrong that, not only was she visibly affected at the time, she felt the need - in the cold light of the next day - to contact the OP to discuss it

Or the mother is just as rude as her mother/MIL and wanted to be rude to the OP about her child.

VestalVirgin · 13/08/2017 10:42

and certainly don't see why 'being polite' is SO much more important to people than standing up for yourself!! I think it's a British thing and probably why we have a nation of people who can't say no or defend themselves.

Oh, I think it happens in other countries, too.
There's an author who has a rather interesting theory on why the nazis could rise to power in Germany - the theory is that children were socialized to obey male adults (their fathers) at all costs, and then as adults, when a dictator rose to power who talked just like their fathers, had no way of resisting him.

NataliaOsipova · 13/08/2017 10:47

Or the mother is just as rude as her mother/MIL and wanted to be rude to the OP about her child.

...but if she'd wanted to do that - if that had been her intention - then she could easily have done that. She could have called him names, criticised the OP's parenting, put a status on the Internet saying "worst houseguest ever" or screamed "good riddance" out of the door. But she didn't. I would read it as her choosing her words very carefully.

But that's my interpretation. If the OP shares yours, she can leave things as they stand. But I think she can rest easy that she won't have this problem again with this particular family, as her son won't be asked to anything with them again. And, depending on the version of events related by other children there/heard more widely by other parents, he may not be asked to similar parties/play dates more widely.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/08/2017 11:17

I do have to agree with the PP (I think it was Natalia) who asked how you want this situation to resolve though OP - and I agree that your son really should make an apology. He should really apologise for his outburst, although not for not taking the sandwich, and then hopefully things will calm down and be resolved.

notevernotnevernotnohow · 13/08/2017 11:19

But I think she can rest easy that she won't have this problem again with this particular family, as her son won't be asked to anything with them again

If I was the parent it would be immaterial if he was asked as I wouldn't allow him to go anyway.

And, depending on the version of events related by other children there/heard more widely by other parents, he may not be asked to similar parties/play dates more widely

i find people who gossip about children not worth listening to. And people who make their own parenting decisions based on nasty gossip about children certainly not people I would want my child to spend time with.

Buck3t · 13/08/2017 11:43

getahaircut so did I, but since you were so insistent. I scrolled back. Page 10 is where she confirms she is not impressed with the rudeness. That wasn't even the post I was referring to, which is more recent. So I stand by my Ffs, She is not impressed with the rudeness. Now can we move along?

GetAHaircutCarl · 13/08/2017 11:44

natalia yes indeed.

My view of any difficult situation is that I need to ask myself how I want this to end in the long run as opposed to my immediate knee jerk feeling.

There is often a percent good and easy solution once you step away and think.

Buck3t · 13/08/2017 11:46

notevernotnever I agree and said something similar unthread.

nina2b · 13/08/2017 11:50

He. Is. Too. Old. To. Behave. Like. This.

I would be ashamed of his behaviour. What an appalling way to act.

nina2b · 13/08/2017 11:51

I sincerely hope this is not a thread which has been put out there to wind people up.

crazykitten20 · 13/08/2017 11:53

@nina2b

Even if it is , it's an interesting topic. 👍😊

Willow2017 · 13/08/2017 11:54

How exactly is a child being pressurised by adults able to step away and think "How do I want this to end"?

He wanted the woman to stop forcing food on in him and saying no thank you several times should have been enough. But she didnt stop he was backed into a corner.

nina2b · 13/08/2017 11:55

Today 10:37 notevernotnevernotnohow

Or the mother is just as rude as her mother/MIL and wanted to be rude to the OP about her child.

Oh for goodness' sake, get real.

ElinorRigby · 13/08/2017 12:00

I can only think of one time that I expressed concerns to some parents after a child had been at my house.

I think the girl in question was about 10. She'd been on a sleepover and overeaten a Chinese takeaway. It meant I had got woken at 2am on January 1 and had to clear up a load of vomit - absolutely everywhere. The acid stains never did disappear from a carpet.

These things happen of course, but it did rankle that the next morning she didn't say sorry for my having to get up or thanks for my help. Or even thanks for having me. I could see this might be awkwardness. But I did go and mention it to her parents who are really good friends, because our daughters were mates and really did like having sleepovers.. And they said that if it were to happen again, they would come round next morning and help clear up, I realised we had different expectations of our children and had brought them up a bit differently but I certainly didn't think of the girl as 'bad' - just not as mature as I had thought.

In the main I'd probably only go to the problem of airing these issues for the bigger misdemeanours and not fret too much about the small stuff. If a 10 year old told someone to eff off, I think I'd pass that one on. But a loud 'No' after being repeatedly put under pressure doesn't seem worth passing on apart from saying something like. 'X got upset when Granny went on and on about the sandwiches. I hope he's okay now.'

nina2b · 13/08/2017 12:00

Backed into a corner? Again, he is supposedly a 10 year old boy with no particular emotional issues. And yet he behave like a tiny child in a strop! One can understand the reactions of toddlers to all sorts of situations, but this - this is spectacular. Imagine a big boy smashing his way around your dinner table! Dear me.

nina2b · 13/08/2017 12:01

...he behaves...

RiverTam · 13/08/2017 12:18

nina I've asked you a couple of times now about the grandmothers behaviour, you've described her as nice, hospital, kind - but how does that tally with repeatedly ignoring a child's polite 'no'? Or are you just deciding that didn't happen?

notevernotnevernotnohow · 13/08/2017 12:18

He is TEN, Nina. What;s your excuse?

RiverTam · 13/08/2017 12:18

Hospitable

ElinorRigby · 13/08/2017 12:22

I think 'hospital' might be more accurate. In terms of it being the right place...

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