To not discipline DS for shouting at an adult

[riverotter]

DS(10) is normally quiet and quite polite. However, he can explode a bit if pushed.

He was at a friend's house last night and I picked him up at just after 8. The mum seemed a bit quiet and this morning she sent a text asking if we could talk so I called her.

Her version is that DS shouted and slammed a glass down on the table and it made everybody feel very uncomfortable. Obviously I asked what brought it on and she said it was because her mum, so his friend's grandma, had offered DS a sandwich!

So I spoke to DS. He started crying and said he did but he didn't really like any of them so kept saying no thank you, no thank you. But apparently the gran kept saying go on, have one, they are nice, I've been making these all afternoon. He said she was waving one in his face when he shouted 'no, I said no.' (I actually taught him that phrase a while back.)

So - discipline or not? I'm not sure how to deal with this. I hate rudeness but I hate people who won't say no for an answer as well.

Have you even considered she was teaching her child for the instances of child predators or drugs? But I'm sure a 'no thank you' hmm would deffo stop something from happening in that situation.

OK, user, you may have just joined the bonkers brigade yourself. Per instuction from MNHQ, we are talking about sandwiches here.

Bloody hate pushy people! Good for your son standing up for himself!

Sandwich-pusher is in the wrong here. If 10-year-old already said "no" politely numerous times, she should have desisted. Being force fed something you hate is worse than being shouted at. Agree with a PP, adults are allowed to screech "NO BECAUSE I SAY SO" at children, so why not the other way around?

Some people are saying he should of taken it to be polite. But surely someone who goes around forcing their horrible food on others is also going to put pressure on them to clear their plates as well?

we are talking about sandwiches here Precisely.

*should have

Today 21:18 user1496382820

A 10 year old was being bullied whilst others looked on and said and did nothing. He must have felt very alone and vulnerable.
I would be accusing them of child abuse.

BULLIED? I really wish people would reserve the use of that word for behaviour that warrants it. Bandying the word about - as you are doing - detracts from genuine bullying. You need to learn that.

@senecafalls I wish there was an eye roll emoji on here 🙄 I was obviously not talking about this situation I was saying how in general it's not actually bad practice as a parent to tell your child that it's ok to say no to things you don't want to do and be firm.

Pushy people?!? LOL
Some of you need to man up.
rolls eyes

he needs to deal with pushy people without being rude
Whilst I agree with this 100% being pushy in itself is rude and I would say it's ruder than losing your rag at the last minute because it assumes that the wants or needs of the "pusher" are considerably more important than the "pushed" who it is assumed must be submissive.

As for making sure he apologises, I think it is imperative that he highlights the issues that he faced. e.g.

'Hello x, x's mum and dad and x's granny.
I'm really sorry for slamming my glass around, I didn't mean to lose my temper like that, but I felt very frightened/confused/overwhelmed/stressed having to repeat myself so many times, I had a lovely time at your house talking to you all and playing with x, but I really didn't feel up to a sandwich and tried my best to politely decline, but each time this wasn't accepted. Sometimes we just aren't feeling up to everything we are offered, and I'm sure you've been in that position too, it can make you feel trapped, and this can sometimes be very scary. I will try and react in a more calm way if this happens again in the future, and I hope that I will feel under less pressure from the people I'm around so will be less scared/confused/stressed.
Best wishes
LittleRiverOtter'

If he does apologise i think it's really important that the adults in this situation know that children (or anyone for that matter) don't have to do what you want if it makes them uncomfortable just to please an adult or to cushion someone's ego

All the best

OP, it sounds as if your boy was pushed to reacting the way in which he did. Even for an adult, there are only so many times one can say "no" without losing one's rag. For a young child, the rag is just shorter.

From what you've said, he doesn't need disciplining; he was obviously upset about the situation and I feel sad that someone thought it was ok to push someone else's child that far. Adults should know better. If my son's friends are over and don't want to eat what they're offered, I don't force them to eat. I then let their parents know that they didn't want to eat.

I have behaved appallingly? Because I had the temerity to tell someone why I behaved how I did when I was sexually assaulted? And I'm victim blaming because I attributed some of my reactions to being silenced as a woman and as a child? Christ. Some purported 'feminists' here really need to go back to their text books

@JigglyTuff

nina2b
Amazed why? If OPs thread had herself in place of DS, most of us would be posting YANBU, and saying the granny should've stopped

jiggly what's it got to do with feminism?

jiggly ❤️

Why can't a bunch of adults on a forum see that whilst the behaviour of the CHILD may not have been the most appropriate response it doesn't mean the ADULT is completely innocent.

Neither the child nor adult covered themselves on glory - the difference is that the child is still learning and the adult thinks just by the pure fact they are the adult the child saying "no Thank-you" has no meaning or validity.

What youarenot said.

@youarenotkiddingme 🙌🏻🙌🏻 amen

youarenotkiddingme
Yy 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽

The glass slamming is worrying because it could have been dangerous. I hope you explained that to your son.
The shouting was understandable. You could have a talk with him about better ways to react in the future.

This thread has moved on, but just wanted to say to Jiggly that I 100% understand what you meant and you have every right to discuss your experience of abuse in whatever way you want. However you expressed yourself, anyone with any insight or sensitivity must have known what you meant.

I was very much brought up with the idea what children should be "seen and not heard" and somehow imbibed the idea that adults were always right. This definitely made it easier for my abuser to get away with it. I wish I had been bold and assertive enough to shout at him to stop or threaten to tell someone, but that wasn't how I was brought up and I don't think that's how kids in general were in those days - how else did people like Saville, Harris etc get away with it for so long?

That wasn't my fault or anybody's fault but my abuser's, but if children are more confident and assertive nowadays, that's a good thing, I reckon.

OP don't be harsh with your son. Situation sounds pretty awful for him tbh. And I don't understand why situation was allowed to escalate to the point where your son had no options left. why didn't your friend intervene politely and say to gran 'x doesn't want sandwiches now. Maybe he'll have one later'. There were other grown ups there and they could've diffused the situation instead of waiting to tell you how bad DS has been. FWIW i wouldn't be prepared to eat something I didn't like and if someone wasn't listening I would start talking louder and louder and perhaps do something rude like just leaving the table (and I am a lot older than 10)

GetAHaircut - only that I've seen Cosmic on some threads in feminism. Otherwise not much.

Thank you all for kind words.

Varvara - that is precisely it. I worded it very clumsily but I don't think I was at fault. I did as a child though and it's taken me a really long time (and a lot of therapy) to realise that.

I do take the point that conflating abuse with 'kindly' being offering a sandwich can seem a step too far. But equally I think it's helpful to examine what we consider rudeness in a child and boundaries and examine how our failure to recognise and acknowledge children's boundaries is a massive issue. Whether that is about sandwiches or sexual assault.

And I still wonder what adults would have done if they'd repeatedly said no politely and had been ignored. How else do you resolve the situation unless you escalate your response?