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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not discipline DS for shouting at an adult

986 replies

riverotter · 12/08/2017 12:37

DS(10) is normally quiet and quite polite. However, he can explode a bit if pushed.

He was at a friend's house last night and I picked him up at just after 8. The mum seemed a bit quiet and this morning she sent a text asking if we could talk so I called her.

Her version is that DS shouted and slammed a glass down on the table and it made everybody feel very uncomfortable. Obviously I asked what brought it on and she said it was because her mum, so his friend's grandma, had offered DS a sandwich!

So I spoke to DS. He started crying Sad and said he did but he didn't really like any of them so kept saying no thank you, no thank you. But apparently the gran kept saying go on, have one, they are nice, I've been making these all afternoon. He said she was waving one in his face when he shouted 'no, I said no.' (I actually taught him that phrase a while back.)

So - discipline or not? I'm not sure how to deal with this. I hate rudeness but I hate people who won't say no for an answer as well.

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 12/08/2017 20:43

The granny should have backed off and stopped going on about a bloody sandwich and I expect the boy wasnt thinking about the table being glass

Yy
I'm a little puzzled as to how people seem to be expecting far more with regards to behaviour from.a ten yr old than they do of all the adults he was with at the time.

Fuck knows I've wanted to get t shirts printed with "no thank You, your imitation.crap is not worth the calories" so I don't have to go through the crap every time.

No never seem a to he an acceptable reason and your being rude by not saying y to some people. They push and push and push until you tell them.exactly why you don't want something then have the nerve to say your rude still.

Can't bloody win

RebelRogue · 12/08/2017 20:44

Yes back to sandwiches. Actually,no thank you I'm full.

buttercup54321 · 12/08/2017 20:47

Your son was very rude. And slamming a glass down is not acceptable. If I was the friends mum I would have rung you to collect him at once. You are raising a brat. Yes discipline him!!!!

sweetbabboo · 12/08/2017 20:48

I'm 32 and would have found the situation incredibly annoying and embarrassing. I cannot stand people trying to push me into something I don't want to do and clearly not listening to what I am saying. I probably would have responded in the same way, without banging the glass down. Politely declining obviously wasn't working for the poor boy. The grandmother should have actually listened to what the child was saying and stopped goading him.

RiverTam · 12/08/2017 20:54

Interesting that 'no' is a complete sentence clearly doesn't apply to children dealing with pushy adults.

I would deal with hai temper, OP, because that's not going to help him. However, he was right to be firm with his refusal.

Granny (and we have no idea how old Granny was, she might be dead as a post 90 or middle aged 50) is an adult, she should no better and was rude.

OP's son is a child and was polite but then got to a point where he didn't know what to do to make himself understood. Understandable. Because he's 10.

I would apologise to your friend (or get DS to) for losing his temper; however, I would also make it crystal clear how uncomfortable he was being made by this woman refusing to hear him.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 12/08/2017 20:55

cosmic for what it's worth I thought you were explaining yourself very well and did not deserve abuse from jiggly. And Flowers for what you have both been through.

Buck3t · 12/08/2017 20:58

cosmic the only thing I would say is it may not be politeness that someone is abused. But it is the idea the adults are always right why a child doesn't tell anyone. And it's the kind of disbelief of the OP's DS's story, that adults don't believe (or want to) when a child is abused.

I see the cycle happening over and over. Adults are supposed to protect children. If my child is in your care, they should feel safe, not cornered. If you cannot protect my child, my child will not be in your care, so no worries about invites.

That said (and I know people will fail to read this), the DS was wrong in his response. Wrong as in a mistake, wrong as a child that needs to learn. My parents never thought to teach me social cues I learnt as I made the mistake. He will too.

nina2b · 12/08/2017 21:00

OP:

He was very rude indeed. If he was a toddler then that sort of behaviour might have been understand but for heaven's sake he is TEN. He needs to start behaving appropriately. I'm not surprised his reaction upset everyone.

PugOnToast · 12/08/2017 21:00

@AndNowItIsSeven
He had said "no thank you" repeatedly.

derxa · 12/08/2017 21:00

I have taught many 10 year olds including those with SEND but never seen such behaviour in NT children. OP you need to explain that this is not acceptable. You shouldn't be proud.

nina2b · 12/08/2017 21:01

Corrected:

OP:

He was very rude indeed. If he was a toddler then that sort of behaviour might have been understood but for heaven's sake he is TEN. He needs to start behaving appropriately. I'm not surprised his reaction upset everyone.

nina2b · 12/08/2017 21:03

Actually, I would have been taught to accept the food offered politely. Talk about a fuss.

Funnyonion17 · 12/08/2017 21:05

Hmm regardless of her been pushy, he needs to learn how to deal with pushy people without been rude. I wouldn't punish on this one occasion, but I would make sure he understands how to respond in future and that he apologises.

Amammi · 12/08/2017 21:06

Teach your child to have some respect for the elderly. For all you know that woman has dementia. He should have just grabbed a sambo and fed it to the cat,shoved it into his pocket dropped it in a plant pot. There is a hard life fe ahead for him if there was this much drama over something so simple. He's 10 not 1.

tanfield90 · 12/08/2017 21:06

Good job this is just a discussion forum. A face to face exchange of opinions coupled with the strength of feeling on here would be too terrible to contemplate. Slammed glasses, slighted grannies and bewildered children would be the least of anyone's worries. All those handbags...

Anyway, bollocks. I shall see myself out. If Jeremy Kyle calls, don't call me. Please Wink.

Goodnight everyone.

PugOnToast · 12/08/2017 21:07

@riverotter

It is a very unusual thing for a NT child to do. I can remember feeling put on the spot and overwhelmed and I can see how this may have happened. Unless he has form for this (and you need to be honest with yourself) I wouldn't punish him.

What I would do is help him to work out what to do in a similar situation including teaching him a coping strategy when he feels frustrated and stressed. Have a look at these books. They are very accessible and kid friendly.

www.dawnhuebnerphd.com/index.aspx

I think he needs to write a letter of apology to the mother and grandmother as a matter of etiquette and good manners.

Other than that accept there may be gossip and no repeat invitations. If it is a valued friend talk to the mum and hope she doesn't nix the friendship and invite him to yours.

I feel for him. Having food forced on your is fucking annoying but also very common and culturally very important to some people. He needs to learn to tolerate it in some way.

Namechanged1234567890 · 12/08/2017 21:08

No is a complete and full sentence on its own. That's it. If another adult was hounding me I would explode, and I would've been considered to have been harassed. Your DS is entitled to his own autonomy and to be respected in just the same way as anyone else.
He politely declined several times.
If a grown adult continues to push a young child into a situation where they have vocalised their discomfort or need for basic human rights then that adult is teaching that child that their autonomy is invalid, and in any other situation disregarding such a right is abuse. Just because he's ten doesn't mean he has to be subservient.
Hope your DS is okay.

user1489592537 · 12/08/2017 21:09

I think everybody on this thread is a bit bonkers tbh Confused I'm sorry but let's put this in a scenario adults can understand (as you all seem to lack the ability to process things like a child). You're out for coffee with a friend and that friend buys some food that you don't like, that friend then offers you the food. You say no, but they keep offering and pestering you. Going on and on 'have the food, go on!' 'Eat the food' 'you really need to eat it!' Eventually you would snap. I don't believe anyone that says they wouldn't and for people saying 'no thank you' would've been better for the op to teach her child. Have you even considered she was teaching her child for the instances of child predators or drugs? But I'm sure a 'no thank you' Hmm would deffo stop something from happening in that situation.

derxa · 12/08/2017 21:12

Have you even considered she was teaching her child for the instances of child predators or drugs This never crossed my mind when bringing up my DSs

MsGameandWatching · 12/08/2017 21:13

Teach your child to have some respect for the elderly. For all you know that woman has dementia. He should have just grabbed a sambo and fed it to the cat,shoved it into his pocket dropped it in a plant pot. There is a hard life fe ahead for him if there was this much drama over something so simple. He's 10 not 1

What utter bollocks. No ten year old I know would have thought like this.

AsleepAtMyDesk · 12/08/2017 21:14

It was a grandma being a bit over enthusiastic about her sandwiches. That's all.

RebelRogue · 12/08/2017 21:16

@user1489592537 actually if there was an adult writing this about themselves,and there have actually been several threads similar the responses would be(and were) mostly in the vein of " tell her to fuck off", "did you mean to be so rude" and "no is a complete sentence".

nina2b · 12/08/2017 21:17

If another adult was hounding me I would explode, and I would've been considered to have been harassed. Your DS is entitled to his own autonomy and to be respected in just the same way as anyone else.

Really? Wow. I am amazed.

user1496382820 · 12/08/2017 21:18

A 10 year old was being bullied whilst others looked on and said and did nothing. He must have felt very alone and vulnerable.
I would be accusing them of child abuse.

nina2b · 12/08/2017 21:19

Today 21:14 AsleepAtMyDesk

It was a grandma being a bit over enthusiastic about her sandwiches. That's all.

I totally agree. She was being hospitable and - shock horror - actually nice!! Ye gods.