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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not discipline DS for shouting at an adult

986 replies

riverotter · 12/08/2017 12:37

DS(10) is normally quiet and quite polite. However, he can explode a bit if pushed.

He was at a friend's house last night and I picked him up at just after 8. The mum seemed a bit quiet and this morning she sent a text asking if we could talk so I called her.

Her version is that DS shouted and slammed a glass down on the table and it made everybody feel very uncomfortable. Obviously I asked what brought it on and she said it was because her mum, so his friend's grandma, had offered DS a sandwich!

So I spoke to DS. He started crying Sad and said he did but he didn't really like any of them so kept saying no thank you, no thank you. But apparently the gran kept saying go on, have one, they are nice, I've been making these all afternoon. He said she was waving one in his face when he shouted 'no, I said no.' (I actually taught him that phrase a while back.)

So - discipline or not? I'm not sure how to deal with this. I hate rudeness but I hate people who won't say no for an answer as well.

OP posts:
gingergenius · 12/08/2017 20:10

FFS why are people NOT SEEING THE BIT WHERE HE ALREADY POLITELY REFUSED SEVERAL TIMES?

Bloody hell there are times when I as a fully grown woman, have felt stymied in the face of unrelenting pressure from someone who won't take no as an answer.

This kid knows he reacted badly. Jeez. The woman who wouldn't accept no for an answer should have accepted the polite refusal. What's the MN mantra? 'No is a complete sentence'

Not, apparently, if you're a 10 year old boy, who has tried a polite refusal and is ignored.

I'm horrified that so many posters think it is ok to give such mixed messages.

CosmicPineapple · 12/08/2017 20:12

JigglyTuff

I was sexually assaulted when I was that age. I let it happen because I'd been taught that adults are right and that I didn't have any right to tell them no.

Yes Jiggly you did blame yourself.

RebelRogue · 12/08/2017 20:13

Unless the Granny was struggling with her mental health or doing it deliberately, one of those responses would have worked.

And if it didn't? Would then his response be acceptable? Some people just don't stop.

ToeKneeChestNut · 12/08/2017 20:13

I'm amazed that people think it's ok to slam a glass down on the table, especially in someone else's house. How incredibly aggressive!

I would be concerned about a ten year old boy who thinks this is acceptable. The fact that his own mother is backing him up is worrying.

OP, the other family were disturbed by your son's behaviour. You need to address this.

TennisAtXmas · 12/08/2017 20:13

My DD9 has always been taught she has autonomy over her body and can choose when she is full or if she wants a sandwich at a buffet. Nobody gets to overrule her choice just because she is 9 and not 99.
But there are many options between 'eat the sandwich', and 'slam glass down and shout at old lady', which have been repeatedly described on this thread. A small minority have suggested the child eat the sandwich, fwiw I disagree, but saying 'no thank you' 5, 10,or more times, is perfectly possible for a child, and appropriate, in he circumstances.

Pengggwn · 12/08/2017 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jacks11 · 12/08/2017 20:15

Look, the granny was rude and OTT to not accept "no thanks" but as transgressions go it was annoying but not threatening/abusive. The way some are going on you think she'd threatened to force the sandwich down his throat if he didn't take one.

I think OP needs to show her son that two wrongs don't make a right. Explain to him that he can be assertive without resorting to shouting or slamming things down. At ten, this boy can be forgiven for losing his temper but does need to be told that his response was not acceptable.

If you simply teach a child that if someone upsets/annoys/irritates you that you may from then on act in any manner you wish, then that is not teaching them to be assertive.

RedHelenB · 12/08/2017 20:16

I always thought good manners included trying food your host had made specially for you I think YABU and he was rude.

userofthiswebsite · 12/08/2017 20:18

Rebel Rogue - I already gave some examples further up thread but just for you...

Example: Thanks, but I am completely full and really I don't want to eat anything else or my tummy is full or whatnot...

If she'd literally shoved the sandwich in his mouth then I would 'get' the reaction, but she was offering. She was a bit annoying but that doesn't make his reaction okay.

It's bad form to let him think it's okay to behave in that way whenever someone annoys him. He's going to have to learn to control his temper.

Maybe mum should teach him the count to ten technique.

RebelRogue · 12/08/2017 20:21

@Pengggwn I did say I disagree with the shouting and especially the glass slamming.
Guess the main point is that you'd react that way,so would I . Also we know that eventually it does stop, and what's over the top and what isn't.

However this is a 10 yo child who did not know or rationalises it that way, that's why a talk about his actions and different responses and how to deal with stressful situations is appropriate. I just don't think a punishment is necessary,but I guess it would also depend on the kid in question.

RebelRogue · 12/08/2017 20:22

I always thought good manners included trying food your host had made specially for you I think YABU and he was rude.

Even the smell of lamb makes me retch. I'd rather be rude than puke over someone's dinner table. Grin

Pengggwn · 12/08/2017 20:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MeltorPeltor · 12/08/2017 20:23

Six of one and half a dozen of the other.

She should have taken no for an answer, he shouldn't have snapped. Apologies due from both and lessons learnt.

JigglyTuff · 12/08/2017 20:24

No I don't, Cosmic. You've misunderstood.

I think it's the fault of the man who assaulted me. And he was supported in that assault by being brought up in a society who told me that as a child, I didn't have the right to tell adults to respect my boundaries. He knew that and took advantage of it.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 12/08/2017 20:24

The granny should have backed off and stopped going on about a bloody sandwich and I expect the boy wasnt thinking about the table being glass.

I would not discipline my child for reacting like this.

TheLuminaries · 12/08/2017 20:27

I once asked my nursery teacher if a sandwich has marmite in it because marmite made me sick. She said no, I took a bite and was sick. Some adults have no respect for children's opinions or boundaries. I'd rather my child stood up for themselves when push cam to shove.

Cosmic I think you are being quite unpleasant picking at the words of a child abuse victim to try and trip them up.

CosmicPineapple · 12/08/2017 20:29

No I don't, Cosmic. You've misunderstood.

You posted it Jiggly you said I let it happen if I have misunderstood anything its because you posted incorrectly.

Dont make this out to be a misundetstanding on my part. I read exactly what YOU put.

CosmicPineapple · 12/08/2017 20:32

TheLume sorry did you miss the bit where she called me a piece of shit?

I am not picking apart her post she denied saying it. I copied and pasted to show she did.
I myself am a victim of sexual abuse and rape but that does not give me the right to victim blame or call people pieces of shit.

RebelRogue · 12/08/2017 20:32

@CosmicPineapple can you stop picking on her now? It's pretty pointless. Her feelings are valid,however she chose to express herself.

tanfield90 · 12/08/2017 20:35

Is this thread heading for Classics ?

CosmicPineapple · 12/08/2017 20:35

Hang the fuck on. Jiggly has behaved appallingly yet I am standing up for myself and I get shouted down......were you not just saying everyone should be assertive even when it comes to a sandwich?

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/08/2017 20:38

I get what you are saying. Can we rephrase from "I let it happen" to "I didn't try to stop him"? It sounds a lot kinder to yourself and removes responsibility and blame. You are not to blame.

Perhaps there is a lot of difference between the offer of a sandwich and sexual advances. However, as parents, it is difficult to teach our children about every eventuality. Better to have a child, who is considered rude at times than a silent child, who doesn't speak out either during or after abuse.

RebelRogue · 12/08/2017 20:38

@CosmicPineapple yes because you completely dismissed her feelings and experience. Something I assume wasn't easy to post and try to put into the "right" words. Just like you did when you called me sick,for sharing mine. I just chose to swear in RL instead of here Smile

Mysteriouscurle · 12/08/2017 20:41

Yes cosmic. Let it go. Must be quite upsetting for her.

MNHQ
IonaMumsnet · 12/08/2017 20:41

Evening, all. This thread seems to be getting a bit heated now. We do understand why, and it's clear several posters have sadly had experiences that have left them with strong feelings about situations like the OP's, and with very good reason.

However, we do think it would be a bit unfair on the OP if we end up having to delete the entire thread because it has turned into a bunfight. Could we possible get back to discussing the question the OP began with and draw a line under the rest of it for her sake?

Thanks for your help.