To not discipline DS for shouting at an adult

[riverotter]

DS(10) is normally quiet and quite polite. However, he can explode a bit if pushed.

He was at a friend's house last night and I picked him up at just after 8. The mum seemed a bit quiet and this morning she sent a text asking if we could talk so I called her.

Her version is that DS shouted and slammed a glass down on the table and it made everybody feel very uncomfortable. Obviously I asked what brought it on and she said it was because her mum, so his friend's grandma, had offered DS a sandwich!

So I spoke to DS. He started crying and said he did but he didn't really like any of them so kept saying no thank you, no thank you. But apparently the gran kept saying go on, have one, they are nice, I've been making these all afternoon. He said she was waving one in his face when he shouted 'no, I said no.' (I actually taught him that phrase a while back.)

So - discipline or not? I'm not sure how to deal with this. I hate rudeness but I hate people who won't say no for an answer as well.

If the child had been a 16 yo female a lot of posters would be considered as victim blaming.

Exactly Fresh8008 in fact, had this been Dd reacting in this way to an over-pushy Grandad, I think the thread would have gone rather differently. Along the lines of 'good for your Dd!' 'Well done for raising such a strong, assertive young woman'. 10 year old boy though 'you're a terrible parent and he'll probably grow up and beat his wife'.

Sometimes I think people on here don't like boys much.

Going against the grain a little here but I'm not sure what ops ds could have done if he was persistently asked the same question, which he had already answered politely. I don't necessarily agree shouting and slamming a glass was the correct response, but it was very probably frustrating for him to not feel heard.
If the kid doesn't want a sandwich how many times does he have to say that?
Forgive me if I'm missing something but surely it should have been:
Them: "would you like a sandwich?"
Him: "no thank you"

That's it?

From your DS's version of events, the granny was rude and annoying.

However, that doesn't mean the way he handled it was right- shouting and slamming a glass is rude and inappropriate, even if he was somewhat provoked. Two wrongs don't make a right, do they?

I would not discipline my child in this situation, but I would have a discussion about how he could have responded differently/that shouting and banging glasses down is unacceptable, even if you are angry. That way he knows that what he did wasn't ok, even though you acknowledge his friend's granny didn't behave well either, and can learn a better way to manage a similar situation in future. You don't just say "well friends granny was rude, so it's fine".

I have to confess that I am somewhat aghast that you find yourself "impressed" by his response. I hope he doesn't pick up on that, you might find he "loses his temper" a little more frequently with a little less provocation.

Someone needs to have a word with the granny and explain to her what boundaries are and what the word 'no' means. This is the sort of pressure that adults use to make children do things they dont want to.

I am a bit concerned about what happened after the 'incident' to upset the child so much. How did the adults respond, did they all gang up on the 10yo and berate him until he was crying?

Spot on Jacks11

If this was DD I'd have a chat with her and tell her that her words were fine,but shouting and glass slamming(in particular) is not.
I'd also ask her to apologise to the host for shouting and slamming the glass, not for her words.
No always means no, we don't get to pick and choose .

lucie for goodness sake! NO MEANS NO if someone wants to see your knickers or get you into their car. This woman was only trying to get him to eat a fucking sandwich! GAH!

I also think if it was a 10 year old girl, posters would be of an entirely different opinion. Boys get such a hard time.
Double standards

Nonsense - I would call this out as Bratislava unacceptable behaviour for a girl too

Ffs - brattish, not Bratislava

I do wonder if OP is impressed at her kid's ability to stand his ground and not give into pressure and do something he doesn't want to just to make someone else happy, rather than the shouting and slamming.

Because the first one is not a bad thing to (secretly) be proud of as a parent.

Just because he was irritated by the grandma's constant offering of food, does not mean that he should shout "I said no" and slam his glass down. We all have to deal with slightly irritating behaviour. It wasn't as if she was waving a dog turd in his face.

I've just been out to Asda, come back to see this one is going to run and run. And Pengwynn has joined us too. So go on Peng - explain how you'd like to see this despicable child punished.

I am a bit concerned about what happened after the 'incident' to upset the child so much. How did the adults respond, did they all gang up on the 10yo and berate him until he was crying? - ah Fresh - I think you've finally found what many posters are after.

atom you made exactly the point I was trying to, but much more succinctly and with no exclamation marks.

@Pengggwn well I already said how I'd react if it was DD. You'd probably disagree with my method but hey ho,.

I agree with notausernumbersonotatroll. I think she's right

So, OP, what exactly has your response been? Did you tell him you were quietly impressed? Did you share a little smirk and a giggle together? Or if not, what did you do and say?

And did you speak to the grandmother about it?

Can I reiterate that there was no "forcing" of food - she didn't pin him to the ground with a knife at his throat?!

I would discipline for raising the voice (not to mention slamming a glass) at an elderly person who was trying to be kind.

And I would teach him to take a bit of the food and just put it on his plate. That is what my ds has been taught to do when his pushy feeder grandma keeps insisting.

Your ds is going to be in situations as an adult when it will be more discrete and polite to simply allow the offending food to be put on his plate. And then he can ignore it without causing a scene.

Don't be daft, Staples. This isn't the child's fault, it's the OP's, because she taught him this is a good way to behave.

Yes, actually you draw attention to a good point. OP notes that 'exploding' (her words, not mine) has happened on a number of occasions beforehand so clearly after the other incidents, OP has done nothing to tell the child that this is not an okay way to conduct himself, or as indicated, she's done/said things to suggest to him that she's happy with his behaviour.
Hardly surprising it's happened again if she's done nothing to deal with poor behaviour already.

Perhaps not the best answer but some people don't take the hint.

My brother, his wife and her parents are incredibly passive agressive and won't take an answer. They keep pushing and pushing and pushing until you do what they want them to do - never mind what you want to do.

See I don't agree with teaching a child to just take a little food to appease the ADULT who won't take NO for an answer.

I'm extremely strict on manners and I'm also hot on behaviour and dealing with things correctly. But alongside this I have respect for my ds opinions and certainly respect that he can chose if he eats or not.