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Original poster

To not discipline DS for shouting at an adult

986 replies

riverotter · 12/08/2017 12:37

DS(10) is normally quiet and quite polite. However, he can explode a bit if pushed.

He was at a friend's house last night and I picked him up at just after 8. The mum seemed a bit quiet and this morning she sent a text asking if we could talk so I called her.

Her version is that DS shouted and slammed a glass down on the table and it made everybody feel very uncomfortable. Obviously I asked what brought it on and she said it was because her mum, so his friend's grandma, had offered DS a sandwich!

So I spoke to DS. He started crying Sad and said he did but he didn't really like any of them so kept saying no thank you, no thank you. But apparently the gran kept saying go on, have one, they are nice, I've been making these all afternoon. He said she was waving one in his face when he shouted 'no, I said no.' (I actually taught him that phrase a while back.)

So - discipline or not? I'm not sure how to deal with this. I hate rudeness but I hate people who won't say no for an answer as well.

OP posts:
Original poster
riverotter · 12/08/2017 18:19

If I have given that impression peng I apologise as I have been reading the thread for suggestions. Kurris post stood out as very helpful.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 12/08/2017 18:19

Mabey granny thought he was shy or something, and it backfired onto her. Lesson learned for her too.

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 12/08/2017 18:19

My mum is one of these people that will not accept "No thank you" and basically steam rollers other people into doing what she wants. She does it to me still unless I get quite sharp with her then she sulks. There are plants in my garden she's decided I should have and I didn't have it in me to cause another row so now the fucking things are growing away where I didn't want plants. One day I will dig themup and give them back to her Grin in a pice plant pot.

I have sympathy with him. I agree with butteredparsnips - he's 10 and his social strategies that he's been taught were not working and he didn't know what to do.

So I wouldn't punish I'd just work on a more forceful way of saying it than shouting.

"Thank you but I've said no already and I'm not going to change my mind"

"No thank you. Please stop asking I really don't want one"

ElinorRigby · 12/08/2017 18:20

As there are a lot of us here, I've made us some snacks. What do you mean you aren't hungry?

To not discipline DS for shouting at an adult
Aeroflotgirl · 12/08/2017 18:20

Yes especially when granny respected other children no thank you, and kept on at op ds, makes it worse really. Respect is a two way street.

mathanxiety · 12/08/2017 18:21

seriously, what can you do if someone won't accept a repeated no thank you?

You keep on repeating 'No thank you'.

...he can explode a bit if pushed.
Please nip this in the bud RIGHT NOW. It is not OK to explode a bit if pushed.

You must teach him better ways of dealing with situations, both at home and away. Otherwise you will be left dealing with a strapping teen who uses anger to get what he wants.

Future partners of his will thank you.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/08/2017 18:21

God Elinor, I have had a MacDonalds, I could do with one of those, they look nice Grin.

mathanxiety · 12/08/2017 18:23

It is possible to be assertive rather than a doormat or a hothead.

Pengggwn · 12/08/2017 18:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElinorRigby · 12/08/2017 18:23

None of you are allowed home, till these have been eaten!

userofthiswebsite · 12/08/2017 18:24

Gah.

OP

He was rude, not 'firm'. That's the whole point. He overstepped the mark.
The way he reacted was inappropriate.

Why do you keep stating yourself 'impressed' by that?

Your post implies that you believe him shouting and slamming a glass about was an appropriate reaction.

You think the granny was pushy, perhaps so, but she can figure that out for herself and amend her ways for next time. It is YOUR responsibility to deal with your son's part in this.

GetAHaircutCarl · 12/08/2017 18:25

It's up to you OP how you teach your boy.

But as you can see, many ( the majority) of parents would see shouting and slamming a glass down as poor behaviour and inappropriate, as did the host.

So you should at least pass on that truth.

You can choose to say you disagree. That you're actually impressed. That the granny was the one at fault.

But you should tell your DS how others, the majority perceive his actions.

CremeFresh · 12/08/2017 18:29

My friends Mum was like this , she just wouldn't let up and I remember bursting into tears because she wouldn't stop pushing food onto me.

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 12/08/2017 18:30

Oh god you weren't friends with me were you creme ?

JigglyTuff · 12/08/2017 18:30

I would absolutely shout and slam a glass down if someone was just ignoring what I said repeatedly.

Because clearly, him saying no thank you politely wasn't working was it? She kept on going on and on at him. I suspect most adults would have reacted the same way.

ElinorRigby · 12/08/2017 18:30

I think you treat children as you treat adult guests. You try to make them feel comfortable and happy in your home.

If they become unhappy, you ask yourself if you contributed in some way to their unhappiness.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 12/08/2017 18:31

But OP you should not be quietly impressed by such an extreme reaction. Yes, the granny was pushy, we've all been on the receiving end of that, but it's just annoying. You should never be rude in response, and a 10 year old CERTAINLY shouldn't! He behaved very badly indeed.

GetAHaircutCarl · 12/08/2017 18:33

My mum is old and deaf and a bit forgetful.

She asks everyone the same things repeatedly.

I've known any adult or child lose the plot with her. We obviously know well mannered folk.

Pengggwn · 12/08/2017 18:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GetAHaircutCarl · 12/08/2017 18:33

Never known

userofthiswebsite · 12/08/2017 18:34

I suspect most adults would have reacted the same way.

I wouldn't and not the people I spend time around no....

FrLukeDuke · 12/08/2017 18:34

I wouldn't punish him as such but I'd speak to him about better ways he could deal with it next time and say he may not get invited back again. He possibly won't want to be anyway, but he needs to know in case he finds himself in a similar situation again. It would be good if there was some sort of assertiveness training kids could do.

ForagingForFaerieGold · 12/08/2017 18:34

Maybe he should have taken a bite and pulled a face saying "ewww that's horrible" Grin
Might have shut granny down.

Seriously though. My go-to response with pushy adults was usually to lie and say "I'm not allowed" . It normally worked but looking back, why should I have had to? He overreacted but it's hardly the crime of the century. And I say this as a woman who often despairs at the behaviour that seems to be acceptable these days. He's upset. He knows he was wrong. Doesn't sound like a bad kid to me. Granny, on the other hand, needs to wind her neck in.

LucieLucie · 12/08/2017 18:34

Some of the people posting shite about this 10 year old child being a 'young man' are making my blood boil.

It's s child!! I also think if it was a 10 year old girl, posters would be of an entirely different opinion. Boys get such a hard time.
Double standards!

How on earth can we teach children, especially boys that NO MEANS NO when they get mixed messages from pushy adults who don't take no for an answer then complain when the result is not to their liking.

FrLukeDuke · 12/08/2017 18:35

Also I'd let him know it wasn't the right way to behave