To not discipline DS for shouting at an adult

[riverotter]

DS(10) is normally quiet and quite polite. However, he can explode a bit if pushed.

He was at a friend's house last night and I picked him up at just after 8. The mum seemed a bit quiet and this morning she sent a text asking if we could talk so I called her.

Her version is that DS shouted and slammed a glass down on the table and it made everybody feel very uncomfortable. Obviously I asked what brought it on and she said it was because her mum, so his friend's grandma, had offered DS a sandwich!

So I spoke to DS. He started crying and said he did but he didn't really like any of them so kept saying no thank you, no thank you. But apparently the gran kept saying go on, have one, they are nice, I've been making these all afternoon. He said she was waving one in his face when he shouted 'no, I said no.' (I actually taught him that phrase a while back.)

So - discipline or not? I'm not sure how to deal with this. I hate rudeness but I hate people who won't say no for an answer as well.

Hairy, don't compare a 10 year old child who is learning, to a grown man! For some, this boy already has a life sentence of being an abuser, children change, they grow up, mature. Gosh if I had been the same as I was when I was 10, I dread to think. I am more shocked about some of the reactions on here by adults, than I am of a child's behaviour. Some people on here are really nasty, you should look at yourselves!

Mulled wine

Slamming your glass down is unacceptable behaviour at home, and it is definitely completely unacceptable in someone else's home!

The host was in the wrong too, why diden't the mother say, no granny, miniriverotter does not want anymore. The adults allowed this situation to happen, and it should never have happened in the first place. A good host will ask once, might ask again, then leave it, not keep asking putting a young boy in a hard situation, not knowing how to deal with it affectively. I don't think I would at his age either. Not all 10 year old's are mature and can act like adults.

Notever "we will wait".

I said he should say "no thank you". I said he should not eat food he didn't want. At 10 he should be articulate and have sufficient social skills refuse food gracefully. The world doesn't revolve round him and, yes, even in the U.K. Children are hungry.

I feel sorry for the granny being labelled a force feeder and abusive, almost certainly she her intentions was kind and well meaning. Can only hope she doesn't read this hideous thread. What a sad sad story.

The host was ruder than the boy, as she was an adult, so should know what to do, and how to make somebody comfortable in her home. No a child should not eat something they dislike to please anyone. A simple no thank you, should have been enough, but it was not, even repeated no thank you's were not. Some people can be very pushy with food, I know that from my family. No actually means Yes.

Yes but peng (and others) he knows he should not have done it.

From his point of view he is quietly enjoying himself and someone offers him a sandwich. Fine. He politely declines.

Then again. And again. And again. His initial response hasn't worked. Maybe he should take one but he really doesn't like them and then she might conclude he really did want one after all and be forced to take another. And everyone is now staring at him and it's stressing him out and it is a BAM moment.

I know him. He did not at any point think "hey I will go to my friend's house and be really rude."

I don't think you should tell him off but explain how to deal with rude adults like her. Us as adults wouldn't like it so why should a child who's more vulnerable like it. He just didn't know how to deal with his frustration so just teach him how to deal with it. Bless him, he must be upset

This sounds to me like a gauche 10 year old who's strategies, as taught by his mum, for politely declining food weren't working. He reacted badly. Because he's 10. He'll learn most likely.

To the posters who are drawing a straight line from this to him becoming a violent adult, id like to point out that violent people often have boundary issues. You know, the ones who don't think no, means no applies to them.

Whose.

Oh FFS - I can't believe people are being congratulated for trotting out the 'I had to do X horrible thing as a child so I don't see why he shouldn't'

The OP's DS said no thank you. The grandmother was hassling him. If someone says no thank you, you respect that. Don't badger them FFS

Definitely don't punish him, just talk to him.

He's 10. There's a very fine line between assertive & agressive, just treat it as a learning opportunity for him.

I'd explain that what he said/did is fine if someone is hurting him or trying to get him to do something 'naughty' or touching him where he doesn't want to be touched etc but that for people who are just being very irritating he needs to be less agressive. Go through a few things he could have said instead.

Better to piss his friends mum & granny off then get pushed into things because he's too scared to say no. He needs to be able to say no & know he has your backing, always. He just needs to learn different ways to be firm depending on the situation

If you need to speak to the Mum again just say sorry if Granny was upset, but DS really didn't know how else to say no to Granny repeatedly trying to get him to eat a sandwich when he didn't want to. If she, like many here, gets her knickers in a twist over it, she's going to struggle with her own kids teenage years. They're learning. FGS.

Ive been watching this thread with interest and am finding it increasingly unbelievable that you still refuse to believe your precious little darling was in the wrong. Your definitely are one of 'those' parents I'm afraid. In the very first line of your post you said he is 'normally' polite but 'can explode a bit if pushed'. That immediately says ' undisciplined brat' to me.
Then you say Gosh, yes - I do have to ask as i was honestly privately impressed with him. As I have known so many tedious people who won't stop shoving offers of food your way.
You sound pretty unpleasant yourself. So, if I were you I'd give your son a huge bollocking for losing his temper in such a completely uncalled for what, and I would apologise profusely to the lady hosting him.
But, I don't suppose you'll listen. You seem convinced you are right so I don't really know why you have bothered posting. Sigh.

He is really upset chocolate

Crikey. I think this is being blown out of all proportion. And if the family wishes to close off future play dates with a 10 yo, fine, that's their choice. Yes, it was rude to slam down a glass and yes, he is a child. His behaviour wasn't great. This we know. And he's learning. He still needs to learn to deal with difficult people.

Perhaps I should have started an aibu about dds friend, who is just about to turn 9 and going into yr5 so one school year down from ops ds. She and dd were talking about something and she advised my dd to steal money from my purse. Then she found some money in the lunch box she was using (they had a packed lunch provided by me in the car). She took the money and dd asked her to return it and she didn't. I then asked her and checked that it had been put back, which dd confirmed she had. She is getting rather outspoken, like her father, who pisses people off tbh. I will have her back though as she's dds friend. AIBU??

Peng to start off with he was not aggressive and rude, only when his no thank you's were ignored and he did not know what to do. Its not like he told the granny to F off, or hit her in the face, that would have been awful. He did not know how to handle the situation properly, hopefully if he encounters a similar situation in the future he might be better equipped. I hate these posts condeming a young boy, life is for learning, see that as a learning process and improve. Mabey next time, a more firmer " no thank you, I am not hungry" put his hand up.

Ok - I haven't RTFT because there's 500 odd posts!
However I've read the first 50 responses and I am at the number of posters who think it's ok for an adult to refuse to take no thank you for an answer but expect a child of 10 to have better manners.

No, shouting and especially slamming a glass is not the best way to deal with it.

But he's 10. He was politely declining repeatedly the offer of sandwiches and felt under pressure.

What is the point of teaching our children the rules about consent and the right to say no and have autonomy over their own bodies of that doesn't apply to things like being force fed food they don't like?

Arthritis fingered grandma makes all these sandwiches and it brings joy to her heart to force-feed them to kids.

It's literal violence to refuse one.

This thread is a candidate for MN classics

If anyone should apologise, it's bully granny

It is a difficult one InSpace as I know I don't want my children to feel obliged to accept food, lifts, whatever, to please someone else.

I agree that how he dealt with it was wrong but I know at his age I'd have meekly taken the sandwich even though I didn't want it. I'm impressed he was firm.

He has said he said no thank you, no thank you over and over. He has said since that she accepted other children saying no thank you so.he doesn't understand why she wouldn't leave him be. I think because he is quiet people.expect him to be passive.