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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not discipline DS for shouting at an adult

986 replies

riverotter · 12/08/2017 12:37

DS(10) is normally quiet and quite polite. However, he can explode a bit if pushed.

He was at a friend's house last night and I picked him up at just after 8. The mum seemed a bit quiet and this morning she sent a text asking if we could talk so I called her.

Her version is that DS shouted and slammed a glass down on the table and it made everybody feel very uncomfortable. Obviously I asked what brought it on and she said it was because her mum, so his friend's grandma, had offered DS a sandwich!

So I spoke to DS. He started crying Sad and said he did but he didn't really like any of them so kept saying no thank you, no thank you. But apparently the gran kept saying go on, have one, they are nice, I've been making these all afternoon. He said she was waving one in his face when he shouted 'no, I said no.' (I actually taught him that phrase a while back.)

So - discipline or not? I'm not sure how to deal with this. I hate rudeness but I hate people who won't say no for an answer as well.

OP posts:
SeekEveryEveryKnownHidingPlace · 12/08/2017 17:56

The granny was being really irritating but your son needs to learn how to deal with irritating people politely, as he's sure to encounter more of them in life. The fact that someone's irritating is not reason to be rude. I'd tell him clearly that you understand, but that what he did was rude, and work on controlling his temper. As you're 'privately impressed' though I guess you won't.

SabineUndine · 12/08/2017 17:56

Maybe the gran is a 'feeder' and gets something emotional out of it. I can understand your son losing it. He probably felt trapped and didn't know how to deal with it. I would just have a chat with him about being emphatic without shouting.

swingofthings · 12/08/2017 17:56

By the way, I wouldn't punish my child in these circumstances, I would talk to them to explain why their reaction was rude an inappropriate. Punishment is reserved for kids acting badly knowing they are doing so. The rest is about learning and that comes from communication.

Pengggwn · 12/08/2017 17:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
riverotter · 12/08/2017 17:57

Whether she has arthirtis or not has nothing to do with DS.

OP posts:
Original poster
riverotter · 12/08/2017 17:58

Not eating a sandwich isn't bad behaviour you know.

OP posts:
SeekEveryEveryKnownHidingPlace · 12/08/2017 17:59

No, slamming your glass and shouting is the bad behaviour bit.

Mulledwine1 · 12/08/2017 17:59

Notever the post is about a child refusing food. Very ungraciously. I would have reminded him to say "no thank you" not made him eat. However perhaps he could have been reminded that not everyone is so fortunate. If you want to disagree bring it on

I'm disagreeing. This sounds like the "you must finish what's on your plate because think of the starving children in Africa".

Just because someone offers you something does not mean you have to accept it.

It is fine to say no. It is how you say it. The boy in this case needs to learn how to deal with people who won't take no for an answer without blowing his top. That is the issue here, not that he was lucky to be offered food.

Sthe poliote thing would have been to take a sandwich, have a nibble a,nd then leave it

This has already been suggested but it was pointed out that she would have then been offended if he had not eaten it all up and started nagging about that. And perhaps offered yet another one!

PrimalLass · 12/08/2017 18:00

How many adults would go to a friend's for dinner and refuse the food because 'they just didn't fancy it'?

When we have friends round for dinner we check first whether they are ok with what we are cooking.

Mulledwine1 · 12/08/2017 18:01

How many adults would go to a friend's for dinner and refuse the food because 'they just didn't fancy it

I would if I had already eaten something. Or if I knew I was going to eat something eg if it was a stop for coffee with a friend before having a meal out in the evening.

littlebird7 · 12/08/2017 18:01

I am amazed we are even having this conversation.

When you are invited as a guest to someone else's house, and they are being hospitable and kind by offering you sandwiches and making you feel welcome, you can and should not ever start slamming glasses down just because you have lost patience. It is rude and it is shocking. At ten years old you know this is wrong, he is not four years old, he is ten and should know better.

Yes the granny was maybe hard of hearing, or keen for him to eat her specially made sandwiches, she is from another generation and they ate everything that was given to them without fail, so in her mind it was harmless. What a terrible reaction to what was ultimately an act of kindness. A few no thank yous is not too difficult (it always happens in our house with my grandparents) It is meant kindly, not force feeding.

I am reading the excuses for his behaviour on here, and I can hardly believe what I am reading. No wonder the manners of this country are going to the dogs if we think this is acceptable???

It really isn't.

Aridane · 12/08/2017 18:01

I am dispirited that so many posters- relatively speaking- think this acceptable behaviour. This is how brats are made. You are doing your son no favour.

So -

  1. some form of mild punishment & explanation that this is not acceptable behaviour

  2. apology to granny - a card will do.

Then move on and no longer show favourable reactions to bad behaviour

KurriKurri · 12/08/2017 18:01

Maybe she has arthritis and doing so was painful. Maybe pushing through the pain was the way she felt she was contributing to her grand son's party.

Or maybe she lives in a gingerbread house in the woods and feeds up children for the pot Grin

TartsKnickers · 12/08/2017 18:01

I haven't read the full thread but the comments on this last page I should enough to put me off anyway so here's my two pennies.

Poor kid! No don't tell him off, but have a chat with him about how he can tell an old cowbag who just wont take NO for an answer to fuck off in a socially acceptable manner next time, although if it had been me I would have had a far stronger reaction than his. Bless his heart

notevernotnevernotnohow · 12/08/2017 18:01

Notever the post is about a child refusing food. Very ungraciously

No, it isn't. If you think it is, you haven't actually read it. He ate food. He said no thank you, graciously, to a sandwich.

Now, could you tell us how insisting a child eats food he neither likes or wants, when he has already eaten and is full, helps starvng children at all?

We'll wait.

Original poster
riverotter · 12/08/2017 18:01

He didn't refuse to eat. He ate plenty. Just not sandwiches.

OP posts:
HairyMcFairy16 · 12/08/2017 18:01

The potential is certainly there for him to turn into one of those men who cannot be questioned. They expect to say it once and for everyone to back well off and if not they use their anger to shut down the conversation. Or not. Because it's the internet and who knows. But that would be my concern. A boy learning to use his anger to shut well meaning people down is not a good thing.

Mulledwine1 · 12/08/2017 18:01

If it was for dinner I'd hope that they'd cook something I liked. I would check with friends what they liked or really couldn't eat before they came.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/08/2017 18:02

Pengggwyn

Where did op say her ds refused all food? He ate a selection of the food offered. He decided not to take a sandwich. I'm sure there are plenty of adults attending a buffet party, who may have done the same.

Pengggwn · 12/08/2017 18:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notevernotnevernotnohow · 12/08/2017 18:03

The potential is certainly there for him to turn into one of those men who cannot be questioned

There is potential for anyone to turn into that, but nothing here suggests it. You're just being nasty about a child.

Pengggwn · 12/08/2017 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littlebird7 · 12/08/2017 18:03

Seriously op if your child continues to behave like this, he will never be invited anywhere again. People will avoid him like the plague (happened to two friends of ours, literally no one will have them over)
Think about the consequences. He will have no friends soon enough, and will be isolated by poor manners and etiquette.

Mulledwine1 · 12/08/2017 18:03

When you are invited as a guest to someone else's house, and they are being hospitable and kind by offering you sandwiches and making you feel welcome, you can and should not ever start slamming glasses down just because you have lost patience

Nobody is disputing that.

But offering sandwiches when someone has already said no several times is not being hospitable and kind.

notevernotnevernotnohow · 12/08/2017 18:04

I find it sad that your DS will most likely grow up not understanding the basics of how a guest should behave

I think it sad that you have already grown up and don't know how a host should behave. He has time to learn, alas I fear it is too late for you.