Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To not discipline DS for shouting at an adult

986 replies

riverotter · 12/08/2017 12:37

DS(10) is normally quiet and quite polite. However, he can explode a bit if pushed.

He was at a friend's house last night and I picked him up at just after 8. The mum seemed a bit quiet and this morning she sent a text asking if we could talk so I called her.

Her version is that DS shouted and slammed a glass down on the table and it made everybody feel very uncomfortable. Obviously I asked what brought it on and she said it was because her mum, so his friend's grandma, had offered DS a sandwich!

So I spoke to DS. He started crying Sad and said he did but he didn't really like any of them so kept saying no thank you, no thank you. But apparently the gran kept saying go on, have one, they are nice, I've been making these all afternoon. He said she was waving one in his face when he shouted 'no, I said no.' (I actually taught him that phrase a while back.)

So - discipline or not? I'm not sure how to deal with this. I hate rudeness but I hate people who won't say no for an answer as well.

OP posts:
crazykitten20 · 12/08/2017 17:31

I think encouraged, yes @Crumbs1. But not asked and asked until they feel pushed into a corner. That's not fair or kind.

I think the young man could have handled it differently. I think he will be helped to next time - with his next 'no'

I think the grandma will carry on being annoying. And won't see anything wrong with her pushy smother love.

MeanAger · 12/08/2017 17:32

Why wouldn't you eat dried fish eyes crumbs? Confused if someone took the time to make it for you, you should eat them.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/08/2017 17:34

Crumbs

Perhaps you've never had a fussy eater. And by fussy, I mean fussy even as a baby. My dd went through wanting a specific food for a protracted period otherwise it would be spat out. And those foods changed every so often e.g. The Greek yoghurt phase, the toast phase, the cottage pie phase etc. I'm not going to get into food wars with her. It is actually not recommended by experts. As dd has grown up, she has got a lot better with what she will eat. I certainly will not be forcing her to eat chips or potatoes to satisfy people, who believe she should be eating them. She eats a balanced diet with a range of vegetables, fruits, protein and carb. She is 9. This hasn't always been the case. At the moment, we are still at the stage where she won't eat many foods but she's a child and encouragement is the best way.

MsGameandWatching · 12/08/2017 17:34

I always hope that most parents aren't as dictatorial and authoritarian as mine were. Then I read threads like this and realise it's depressingly prevalent to order your kids about like little soldiers, believe they're sly little liars as a matter of course and demand unrealistic standards from them with severe punishments if they can't keep to them.

swingofthings · 12/08/2017 17:35

And what about telling that child that this women was probably desperate to have the kids taste her sandwiches because she took time and maybe effort to prepare them? Maybe she has arthritis and doing so was painful. Maybe pushing through the pain was the way she felt she was contributing to her grand son's party. That seeing the kids eating the sandwiches brought warmth to her heart?

I try to teach my kids to see beyond their own wants and needs and sometimes accept that you have to do things you don't want to do because doing so makes that other person happy and often, knowing that you make them happy is enough to make doing the deed bearable. Ok, not an easy lesson to teach to kids, let alone teenagers, but it does go in their head. I'm amazed how thoughtful my 17yo is turning out to be.

notevernotnevernotnohow · 12/08/2017 17:35

When you think of all the starving children in the world

What has that got to do with the price of fish?

Crumbs1 · 12/08/2017 17:37

Swingofthings - exactly!

Migraleve · 12/08/2017 17:38

When you think of all the starving children in the world

I have never understood this mentality.

Chestervase1 · 12/08/2017 17:38

A child turning down food? Perhaps he should be taught that many children are hungry?

notevernotnevernotnohow · 12/08/2017 17:39

People here expect the manners and nuanced politeness from a ten year old that I find few adults capable of.
And considering how blind they are to the childs pov, are probably not very good at themselves.

notevernotnevernotnohow · 12/08/2017 17:40

A child turning down food? Perhaps he should be taught that many children are hungry?

Again, WTF?

Do you always eat everything anyone ever offers you, because other people are starving? I doubt it. It doesn't help the people starving in any way.

kittybiscuits · 12/08/2017 17:41

Your son was rude, and yes you should punish him. 'Her version is....' Oh dear. Privately pleased. Oh dear. All the people saying the granny was rude so it's not his fault - oh dear. It's good that you started this thread OP. You are in danger of being 'that parent'.

Jux · 12/08/2017 17:42

Sthe poliote thing would have been to take a sandwich, have a nibble a,nd then leave it, but do it all quietly, not bringng attention to yourself.

Saying "No, I said no" is understandble, but agai without drawing masi attention to yourself.

If he had do the former, she would she would have stopped asking, and his problemuld have been solved early on. He needs to learn when to do what.

notevernotnevernotnohow · 12/08/2017 17:42

Your son was rude, and yes you should punish him. 'Her version is....' Oh dear. Privately pleased. Oh dear. All the people saying the granny was rude so it's not his fault - oh dear. It's good that you started this thread OP. You are in danger of being 'that parent'

Nah, you're "that parent".

Craigie · 12/08/2017 17:43

YABU, he was rude.

MsGameandWatching · 12/08/2017 17:43

That seeing the kids eating the sandwiches brought warmth to her heart?

Oh come on!! Grin

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/08/2017 17:44

swing
I agree but ops ds was out of his comfort zone. I also teach dd to be kind, not to participate in the girlie gossiping and bullying, which will get worse as she reaches the end of primary school.

I don't think a 10 year old should have to consider the old woman's arthritis when he's not at home. That's the same as my sil bitching at me for struggling to participate in the activities she'd set up, like a 3 mile walk - which I managed just about but was then bedridden - as I have ME/CFS. (I wouldn't be able to do that these days and was going through a really good patch). Or for not being grateful that she'd made her garden nice for us, which actually meant she'd paid an Eastern European guy £60 a day to do it when my brother is on £100k+ Hmm.

Chestervase1 · 12/08/2017 17:45

Notever the post is about a child refusing food. Very ungraciously. I would have reminded him to say "no thank you" not made him eat. However perhaps he could have been reminded that not everyone is so fortunate. If you want to disagree bring it on

Migraleve · 12/08/2017 17:46

Maybe she has arthritis and doing so was painful. Maybe pushing through the pain was the way she felt she was contributing to her grand son's party.

I wouldn't even consider this if the Gran of party boy offered me a sandwich, why on earth would a 10yo?????

Katedotness1963 · 12/08/2017 17:46

I think he needs to be taught how to handle his anger. In the OP it says he explodes. His behaviour at the other house was bad enough to cause an uncomfortable atmosphere. Has he apologised?

MrsCK · 12/08/2017 17:49

Please don't punish him. No means no right? And you weren't there...you can't punish him for something you didn't witness as that sets a huge precident for dc not trusting that he will be believed.

Instead I would have the conversation about how shouting and slamming glasses makes people feel...and how would he have felt if the glass smashed. It might also be a valid discussion point to explain that adults sometimes don't listen as they could to children and so whilst he feels like shouting on the inside it can be better to explain his feelings in a different way.

Once you've had that discussion I would ask him what he would like to do about it. He might say nothing or he might be feeling terrible about it anyway (as indicated by his crying) and want to have a resolution by apologising. Again this should totally come from him but think about what you want to achieve from the conversation. I'd want dc to know that shouting and slamming is not appropriate and it hurt other people's feelings whilst validating that you understand his reasons for doing so.

No punishment needed

Katedotness1963 · 12/08/2017 17:51

Where did it say the grandmother was a deaf, arthritic, old dear? I know someone who became a grandmother at 28. Just because she is a grandparent doesn't mean she's slipping into decrepitude....

swingofthings · 12/08/2017 17:54

I wouldn't even consider this if the Gran of party boy offered me a sandwich, why on earth would a 10yo?????
I would never expect a child to think like that, I would expect a parent to do so and talk to their kids about it.

Fresh8008 · 12/08/2017 17:54

So some believe children should be forced to eat food they dont want by a stranger. I couldn't disagree with this more strongly.

And some are saying no only means no if you can give some rambling made up excuse to justify it? In my book no means no, you do not have to justify it.

We don't know what the grannies intentions were because she wasn't just offering a child a sandwich, she was trying to pressure a 10 yo who she didn't know into eating something she knew he didn't want.

Whether or not he was a fussy eater it is not a strangers right to force somebody to eat something. End of. If the child had been a 16 yo female a lot of posters would be considered as victim blaming.

kittybiscuits · 12/08/2017 17:55

^ you say this as if the only two options are 1) punish the son or 2) allow him to be force fed

Swipe left for the next trending thread