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Original poster

To not discipline DS for shouting at an adult

986 replies

riverotter · 12/08/2017 12:37

DS(10) is normally quiet and quite polite. However, he can explode a bit if pushed.

He was at a friend's house last night and I picked him up at just after 8. The mum seemed a bit quiet and this morning she sent a text asking if we could talk so I called her.

Her version is that DS shouted and slammed a glass down on the table and it made everybody feel very uncomfortable. Obviously I asked what brought it on and she said it was because her mum, so his friend's grandma, had offered DS a sandwich!

So I spoke to DS. He started crying Sad and said he did but he didn't really like any of them so kept saying no thank you, no thank you. But apparently the gran kept saying go on, have one, they are nice, I've been making these all afternoon. He said she was waving one in his face when he shouted 'no, I said no.' (I actually taught him that phrase a while back.)

So - discipline or not? I'm not sure how to deal with this. I hate rudeness but I hate people who won't say no for an answer as well.

OP posts:
SomeOtherFuckers · 12/08/2017 16:41

I'd say we don't shout but well done for using the word no.
As an adult I find this kind of situation makes my blood boil and it's so irritating - if I can only just control myself should we expect a child to be impenetrable?
Tell the man she needs to learn what the word no means.

notevernotnevernotnohow · 12/08/2017 16:42

Again many examples of how he could have handed it, if he'd already said 'No, thank you' a couple of times such as, "Really, I am all full up so I don't want anything else to eat, thanks anyway." Plenty of other suggestions if you read through the thread

He's TEN. 10. A child. What planet are you on?

The sandwiches were mae to be eaten and I would think if not they would be binned

It is not the responsibility of your guests to eat your food so it isn't wasted.

LilaBard · 12/08/2017 16:44

I actually think, glass slamming aside, he was not the one in the wrong here. People used to do this sort of thing to me all the time as a child and I never had the nerve to be as firm. Asking once is fine, asking twice to check if he was sure if fine, to keep pushing the point was bad mannered of the grandmother. Yes, maybe he could have plainly said I don't like any of them but he would have been called rude for that too! You can't win with overbearing people. Certainly, have a word about letting his frustration get the better of him but imo I wouldn't punish him for not being forced to eat something he had politely declined.

Piffle11 · 12/08/2017 16:46

My DM was always more concerned with what other people thought than how I felt: as a result I grew up with no backbone, agreeing with everyone in case I offended them ... eating food I hated in case I upset them ... staying in relationships because I was taught to put others' needs before my own. Your son politely refused the offer of a sandwich. His wishes were ignored, repeatedly. Perhaps he didn't handle it in the best way, but he's 10!!! I remember being guilted into eating ice cream and tinned grapefruit at a friend's house at age 10. See, I still remember it 38 years later! My DM used to guilt me into eating all my mealls - clearing the plate - and i ended up with an eating disorder. It might sound melodramatic but surely if a child isn't hungry/doesn't want to eat it, you don't try and force them? Bizarre behaviour by the granny and I would back your son.

swingofthings · 12/08/2017 16:46

Dh was taught that by his parents & grandparents. He ended up with an eating disorder
And so was I, as was my OH, and my kids, and my parents, and none of us have an eating disorder!

HOWEVER if she is offered something she really doesn't like, is allergic to or just doesn't want (for whatever reason) there is nothing wrong with saying "No, I don't like X/I am allergic to Y/I don't want any of Z, but thank you for offering." because she has control over what goes into her body.
Absolutely, and I agree, as stated that if it is beyond forcing oneself, then it is ok to explain why as you've described not react in anger as OP's child did.

It is no surprise that teachers have enough of the profession when they get kids who are taught that it is ok to say no in anger when they don't want to do something an adult is forcing them to do. Same kids, who tells the teacher 'well my mum/dad tells me I don't have to do what you say because they think it's stupid'.

As useofthiswebsite describes, it's not his saying no that needs punishing but his losing his temper which was not appropriate.

Willow2017 · 12/08/2017 16:47

He has already said no thank you several times but she persisted. He has already eaten several things including fruit and cake why on earth would he want to start eating sandwiches after main course and sweet stuff?

Waving food in your face is just rude and bullying behaviour. Why should a child make themselves feel sick just to please a pushy adult who doesn't know boundaries or what "no thank you " means?

HereBeFuckery · 12/08/2017 16:48

Iwant

"To make a comparison between a child of any sex being expected to show manners when a guest in someone's house, and a girl being able to say no to a man making unwanted approaches says more about the person making such a fucked comparison than anyone on this thread and is really quite sick."

But I am saying, explicitly, that I was abused, BECAUSE I was told it would be impolite to make a fuss. So yes, there is a comparison to be drawn. Sorry if that is 'sick', actually, a 76 year old man with his hands down a 14 year old's pants is pretty 'sick' in my book, but hey, at least I was polite about it. Hmm

littlebird7 · 12/08/2017 16:52

There will ALWAYS be people that push, teaching your child the art of dealing with these people - a firm no thank you, a second firmer no thank you and as a last resort change the subject to something else is imperative to your ds and his life skills. He will be on a constant collision course with the world otherwise, feeling entitled to lose his temper when he sees fit (and you may not always agree with those reasons when he is a big hulk of a man at seventeen)

Some grannies are hard of hearing, possibly she didn't hear his answer, exception for the last one of course.

A written apology to the family and to the granny, and a chat about ways to deal with things like this in future is most definitely needed.

notevernotnevernotnohow · 12/08/2017 16:52

To make a comparison between a child of any sex being expected to show manners when a guest in someone's house, and a girl being able to say no to a man making unwanted approaches says more about the person making such a fucked comparison than anyone on this thread and is really quite sick

If you can't see the link you aren't trying. I despair that parents can't understand that teaching them that being polite to adults at all costs is more important than their own needs.
It's a spectrum.

Whitecurrants · 12/08/2017 16:54

What Littlebird said

Migraleve · 12/08/2017 16:55

I don't think he was rude. I think the gran was not listening. There is nothing more rude than not listening.

I'm 40 and I still get frustrated at people when they can't take no for an answer.

AmberStClare · 12/08/2017 16:56

I feel very sorry for your DS OP. Sounds as if he was put under far too pressure from a pushy adult. Poor lad cried when you spoke to him too so had probably been worrying about it all.

Crumbs1 · 12/08/2017 16:56

Just plain rude. It's acceptable to say no thank you but, in general, I would expect children to eat what was on offer. This includes sandwiches they don't fancy and suppers that are dished up. Unless there is a medical reason then children should have the manners to eat what is put in front of them with courtesy and gratitude. Same for adults; nothing worse than picky adults pulling food apart to remove bits, refusing what someone has taken trouble to prepare and waiting until something is served before demanding an alternative.

Migraleve · 12/08/2017 16:59

in general, I would expect children to eat what was on offer. This includes sandwiches they don't fancy and suppers that are dished up. Unless there is a medical reason then children should have the manners to eat what is put in

WTAF Confused

Why? Do you think children are lesser people or something? Ffs the kid didn't want a sandwich. He is perfectly entitled to say no.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/08/2017 16:59

Piffle

I am like you. My mother didn't care about how I felt. I grew up not knowing who I was, what I believed in and became a massive people pleaser. It is important to let others know what your boundaries are and not let them overstep them. My whole family goads me into getting upset by massively overstepping my boundaries and they are crazy making.

riverotter

A pp said you have had issues with your dh. If your ds doesn't have the best parent to practice and model this behaviour with, perhaps it isn't any wonder he is struggling with articulating these boundaries.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/08/2017 17:00

Crumbs1

The 1950's are calling. They want you back.

crazykitten20 · 12/08/2017 17:01

@Crumbs1

So personal choice is limited to -where? In your own home? Or do you restrict choice there too?

PrimalLass · 12/08/2017 17:01

Unless there is a medical reason then children should have the manners to eat what is put in front of them with courtesy and gratitude.

I don't agree. We are all allowed to not like things in life, food included.

Fresh8008 · 12/08/2017 17:02

I dont get this idea that to be polite a child has to eat a strangers food even if they dont want to, to make them happy. NO a child should NOT have to eat strangers food.

It was drummed into me as a child say no, if they dont accept your answer run and shout. The 10 yo was trapped in the house so couldn't run he had no option but to raise his voice as the stranger wouldn't accept no for an answer.

D you want your child think they have to accept whatever a stranger says if they say it enough times, I certainly don't.

Original poster
riverotter · 12/08/2017 17:04

It wasn't really put in front of him.

It was a buffet type affair and so he ate a good amount. Just decided not to have any of the sandwiches.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 12/08/2017 17:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Genghi · 12/08/2017 17:04

Your son should have said 'no thank you' in a calm way until they stopped asking. Exploding aggressively like that was very, very wrong and by supporting that you're basically telling him it's ok to be aggressive over a fucking sandwich.

Genghi · 12/08/2017 17:05

What happens when he's older and his wife does something he doesn't like, or 'annoys' him, and he slams her around? It's not a big leap

PrimalLass · 12/08/2017 17:06

But it is ok for an adult to repeatedly badger a 10-year-old to eat something they don't want.

PrimalLass · 12/08/2017 17:07

It's not a big leap

It's an enormous leap.