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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not discipline DS for shouting at an adult

986 replies

riverotter · 12/08/2017 12:37

DS(10) is normally quiet and quite polite. However, he can explode a bit if pushed.

He was at a friend's house last night and I picked him up at just after 8. The mum seemed a bit quiet and this morning she sent a text asking if we could talk so I called her.

Her version is that DS shouted and slammed a glass down on the table and it made everybody feel very uncomfortable. Obviously I asked what brought it on and she said it was because her mum, so his friend's grandma, had offered DS a sandwich!

So I spoke to DS. He started crying Sad and said he did but he didn't really like any of them so kept saying no thank you, no thank you. But apparently the gran kept saying go on, have one, they are nice, I've been making these all afternoon. He said she was waving one in his face when he shouted 'no, I said no.' (I actually taught him that phrase a while back.)

So - discipline or not? I'm not sure how to deal with this. I hate rudeness but I hate people who won't say no for an answer as well.

OP posts:
swingofthings · 12/08/2017 16:09

Im interested in mothers of daughters in this thread of how you would tell your daughter to react in a similar situation but change grandmother to a some man in a bar and sandwich to another drink?
I failed to understand the link between the two situations. I would teach my daughter to just walk away from a man pestering her unsolicited, not yell at him.

I would have taught her that when invited somewhere and offered something to eat, you politely say thank you and eat it, even if you don't like it, because that's good manners.

I would certainly have told my children off for reacting this way. Incredibly rude and bad manners. Your son had the option to say thank you, take one sandwich and if he thought he was going to choke on it, leave it on his plate. Alternatively, he could have said no thank you and said he had to go to the toilet. Shouting and slamming a glass is in no way appropriate.

LouHotel · 12/08/2017 16:09

@iwanttosmellikeamemory how is it a sick comparison exactly?

Its not comparing the intent of the interraction but the scenario of being forced to do something you dont want to do when in both of these situations it is a reasonable request to decline.

I dont know exactly where your head went in think this is sick to suggest.

AlexanderHamilton · 12/08/2017 16:10

If you substitute mother for mother in law or father then I have intervened & stood up for both my children & their friends when either mil or my dad has been trying to give food/treats they don't want.

Fresh8008 · 12/08/2017 16:11

So the DS was vegetarian, does he eat eggs? I know my vegetarian DC do not eat eggs and wouldn't have known if the cheese was vegetarian. To repeatedly have meat shoved in your face or food you dont eat is very offensive and it would have been hard for a 10 yo to explain that. I think saying loudly 'no, I said no' is actually an appropriate response. I wouldn't have been so restrained.

IdoHaveAName · 12/08/2017 16:11

In answer to my own question, I would probably do a double-take. And wonder what sort of little yoke I had invited to my home.

liquidrevolution · 12/08/2017 16:12

I was forced to eat chips at a playdate when i was 9 years old despite being full up. (It was a ridiculously large portion)

I then vomited over the mums shoes and all up the kitchen units Grin.

Was that a better or worse scenario than the op?

VestalVirgin · 12/08/2017 16:12

And it is fucking ridiculous to expect a 10 year old to be able to tell every tiny nuance between "behaviour from other adults that my mom would expect me to endure without getting rude" and "behaviour from other adults that my mom would condemn and want me to fight back against".

What if an adult offers him alcohol? Should he be able to tell the difference between having a non-alcoholic or an alcoholic drink pushed on him?

Children aren't adults. It is ridiculous to expect them to think and behave like adults.

SnowWhite33 · 12/08/2017 16:13

The grandmas are known for being pushy when it comes to food. I know mine was. I can understand your son got frustrated and shouted.

I think he seems like a very sensible boy, maybe you can talk to him and explain how to react in such situations and to stay firm but polite. He is old enough to understand.
I am sure similar situations will come up in the future so this could be a good lesson.

It would also be good if he apologised. If he is honest, im sure they will understand and all will be forgotten.

VestalVirgin · 12/08/2017 16:13

Was that a better or worse scenario than the op?

I feel for 9 year old you, but have to say, it will have taught the adult who forced you a better lesson than just shouting. Grin

AlexanderHamilton · 12/08/2017 16:14

"I would have taught her that when invited somewhere and offered something to eat, you politely say thank you and eat it, even if you don't like it, because that's good manners."

Dh was taught that by his parents & grandparents. He ended up with an eating disorder.

Dd is a dancer. A good diet is important to her future. I teach her to eat sensibly for nutrition & enjoyment. To satiate her hunger & to stop when she is full. If she overeats or eats the wrong stuff before a dance class it affects her. She ends up feeling ill.

I don't teach hervto eat out of politeness or to make others feel good.

I teach both dd & ds that no means no.

ChishandFips33 · 12/08/2017 16:14

If the gran is anything like my mil who won't takeno for an answer then I don't blame him.

This. My mil pushes and pushes her point and as an adult I find it hard to deal with

Maybe meet halfway and ask son to apologise but help him give an explanation that caused him to shout out

helpme25 · 12/08/2017 16:15

To be fair maybe slamming the glass wasn't the best move from him - but I totally see why he did it must've been so frustrating for him having the grandma keep on at him. Also does no one else find the fact she was waving a sandwich in his face a bit rude? I'd probably have a chat with him about what to do if he feels himself getting cross but tbh I don't think I'd discipline, just an informative chat and 'try not to let it happen again' approach xx

gillybeanz · 12/08/2017 16:16

Why wouldn't you educate your son Confused
How on earth do you expect to raise a child without discipline.
Of course punishment is something else.

So YABU not to discipline him, YANBU not to punish
Education is everything
HTH

Fresh8008 · 12/08/2017 16:17

With all the food and obesity issues your better off not letting your DS go to a house where they aggressively try and get you to eat food you dont want.

GetAHaircutCarl · 12/08/2017 16:17

In what other situations has he become volatile OP?

Pengggwn · 12/08/2017 16:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VestalVirgin · 12/08/2017 16:21

With all the food and obesity issues your better off not letting your DS go to a house where they aggressively try and get you to eat food you dont want.

Yeah, I hope all those people offended by a child saying no to food aren't the same ones complaining about the child obesity epidemic.

melj1213 · 12/08/2017 16:21

I would have taught her that when invited somewhere and offered something to eat, you politely say thank you and eat it, even if you don't like it, because that's good manners.

And I have taught my DD9 that when invited somewhere and offered something to eat you say thank you and eat it HOWEVER if she is offered something she really doesn't like, is allergic to or just doesn't want (for whatever reason) there is nothing wrong with saying "No, I don't like X/I am allergic to Y/I don't want any of Z, but thank you for offering." because she has control over what goes into her body. She is allowed to say no and under no circumstances is she obligated to do/say/consume anything she does not want to, just because somebody else insists, offers or tries to pressure her into accepting.

Good manners are about being polite. It is not bad manners to say no, providing you do so politely.

TmiTuesdays · 12/08/2017 16:26

You know, there are loads of threads on here where people get pushed into doing things they don't want, and the phrase 'no is a complete sentence' comes up a lot, along with 'just tell her/him to bugger off' and 'God, I'd never have agreed to that, I'd have flipped my lid, don't be such a doormat!'

But when it's a child being pushed and pushed by an adult, in a situation where they're in a friends house so they have nowhere to go and can't just walk away, they're supposed to...do what exactly? He already responded politely several times and it didn't work. What was he supposed to do in this situation? Give in and eat something he doesn't like or even doesn't eat (OP mentioned he was veggie) to get her to leave him alone?

Honestly, what would other posters do if they were in this situation themselves (not what wouldn't you do - what would you actually do - bearing in mind polite refusal has already been tried several times to no avail).

notevernotnevernotnohow · 12/08/2017 16:28

But when it's a child being pushed and pushed by an adult, in a situation where they're in a friends house so they have nowhere to go and can't just walk away, they're supposed to...do what exactly? He already responded politely several times and it didn't work. What was he supposed to do in this situation?

Exactly. Every other thread is telling people "stand up for yourself, don't let people walk on you, say no, I would tell them to fuck off, they are cheeky fuckers" etc etc etc.
Adults are encouraged to say no and mean it, but you all want a child to be polite and put up with being pushed about?

TheSolitaryBoojum · 12/08/2017 16:33

No, I wouldn't punish him. I would help him develop a few scripts for situations where an adult is doing something that makes him uncomfortable. Key response phrases and ways to avoid being trapped and cornered. In that situation, DD once said ' I think I want to go home now' several times in a quiet, calm voice which made the importuning adult back off.
The adult is at fault, the child too immature at 10 and cornered to know how to respond.

userofthiswebsite · 12/08/2017 16:38

Being offered a sandwich is not the same as being encouraged to stand up to an abusive partner on another thread. Really silly comparison.

As already stated by many posters, she'd offered him a sandwich a couple of times, another child mentioned he was vegetarian, so then she offered a different sandwich. She was too insistent with the sandwich but his behaviour is not okay.

Again many examples of how he could have handed it, if he'd already said 'No, thank you' a couple of times such as, "Really, I am all full up so I don't want anything else to eat, thanks anyway." Plenty of other suggestions if you read through the thread.

His reaction was disproportionate to the 'offence' and he needs to learn to keep him temper under control.

A previous poster has enquired after other outbursts he has had as the OP mentioned he has had other incidents of 'explosion' so it sounds as though it's not a one off which to me would ring alarm bells.

MeanAger · 12/08/2017 16:38

I then vomited over the mums shoes and all up the kitchen units grin.

Grin that's her karma! Brilliant.

PrimalLass · 12/08/2017 16:39

The sandwiches were mae to be eaten and I would think if not they would be binned.

What a waste. Why would bin them? Stick them in a tub for later.

OP, I wouldn't discipline my son for that either. I'd chat with him about it then not let him go back.

PrimalLass · 12/08/2017 16:41

*She is allowed to say no and under no circumstances is she obligated to do/say/consume anything she does not want to, just because somebody else insists, offers or tries to pressure her into accepting.
*

This.