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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not discipline DS for shouting at an adult

986 replies

riverotter · 12/08/2017 12:37

DS(10) is normally quiet and quite polite. However, he can explode a bit if pushed.

He was at a friend's house last night and I picked him up at just after 8. The mum seemed a bit quiet and this morning she sent a text asking if we could talk so I called her.

Her version is that DS shouted and slammed a glass down on the table and it made everybody feel very uncomfortable. Obviously I asked what brought it on and she said it was because her mum, so his friend's grandma, had offered DS a sandwich!

So I spoke to DS. He started crying Sad and said he did but he didn't really like any of them so kept saying no thank you, no thank you. But apparently the gran kept saying go on, have one, they are nice, I've been making these all afternoon. He said she was waving one in his face when he shouted 'no, I said no.' (I actually taught him that phrase a while back.)

So - discipline or not? I'm not sure how to deal with this. I hate rudeness but I hate people who won't say no for an answer as well.

OP posts:
melj1213 · 12/08/2017 15:52

SecondBreakfast The child had already, repeatedly said "No thank you" ... how many more times was he supposed to repeat it? 10 times? 20? 50?

Slamming the glass down and shouting was not appropriate in this situation but he is 10, was feeling cornered/frustrated and using the only technique he had been actively taught to deal with people trying to pressure him into things he doesn't want.

LoveDeathPrizes · 12/08/2017 15:52

I'm in the minority here but I think it's fine for children to talk back to adults. Jesus. How draconian. If you're trying to raise someone who's voice is heard (particularly when he's saying no) then yeah! So now you need to teach him assertiveness over aggressiveness. That's where he fell down.

Mulledwine1 · 12/08/2017 15:54

I would be more shocked that someone can't see the link between a 10 year old being allowed to have inappropriate angry outbursts and becoming an abusive adult

What an overreaction.

It is really annoying to be asked (told) over and over again to eat something that you do not want. It is not unreasonable for a child, who has not yet learnt self-control in all things to overreact. And it may well be that this sort of situation has not arisen before, so he didn't have a response ready. Though actually it sounds like he did - the usual "no thank you" which was ignored several times. If you were in a shop and the shop assistant asked you 10 times if you wanted a chocolate bar with your purchases, how would you react?

Fucking hell, that is a character flaw where I am from

Kids grow up. The way a 10 year old reacts is not the way an 18 year old reacts. And I hate to tell all your performance parents but it's nothing to do with your parenting and everything to do with straight forward maturity. I know you all want to think that your perfect kids are down to your perfect parenting but they are not (might be down to your perfect genes mind you). They grow up, and absorb influences from many sources.

GrapesAreMyJam · 12/08/2017 15:54

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 12/08/2017 15:54

I don't think you should discipline him. He was between a rock and a hard place. He was polite and declined. He felt under pressure, you quite rightly, have taught him, that no, means no. He reacted to the situation.

SecondBreakfast · 12/08/2017 15:55

if someone had repeatedly ignored my no thank you's & then proceeded to wave an item of food in my face

It's rather unlikely that's exactly how it happened though isn't it? More probable that he was simply asked two or three times with a sandwich plate politely proffered.

After all, the OPs not suggesting the sandwich profferer was either aggressive or senile. Hmm

IdoHaveAName · 12/08/2017 15:56

If another mother rang me about my 12 year old dd having an aggressive outburst over a sandwich I would be mortified.

It makes sense though if the poster has already posted about an aggressive partner.

LoveDeathPrizes · 12/08/2017 15:58

Bit of an unfair leap!

Fresh8008 · 12/08/2017 15:58

The granny should have known better than to harass the young boy, she was the adult and didn't act like one.

The mother used words like slam and shout but it could easily have been described as assertively raising his voice and firmly setting down his glass to emphasis that 'no means no', stop shoving that thing in my face, I have politely told you several times, I do not want it.

If the mother was so worried that the boy wasn't eating then she could have advised the parent when he was being picked up. There was no justification for granny trying to force feed him.

Mother of course is taking granny's side as she is family, you have to stand up for your own especially when he was the one being harassed.

People have got to learn that no means no, whether they are 80 or 8.

melj1213 · 12/08/2017 15:59

It's rather unlikely that's exactly how it happened though isn't it? More probable that he was simply asked two or three times with a sandwich plate politely proffered.

Secondbreakfast From one of the OP's updates:

DS says she said "here, have a sandwich." He said no thank you. She said "ah go on, they are nice." DS said no thank you. She said "here, there is a nice ham and tomato" (other kids choroused in saying DS is veggie) she then said "well there is cheese or egg, have one of them." DS said no thank you. She said "ah I have been making these all afternoon, have one!" DS said no thank you. She put one in front of his face and said here have just this one. DS was having a drink, slammed it down and shouted "I said no!"

Original poster
riverotter · 12/08/2017 15:59

It wasn't over the sandwich though, was it?

Thanks again Kurri

Please don't lay my husband's actions at my child's door. That is not fair.

OP posts:
IWantToSmellLikeAMemory · 12/08/2017 16:01

I have a daughter (and, get me, she's meditteranean so according to some, our entire family should be ramming food down people's throats Hmm) and if I heard that she'd behaved in that way in someone's home I would be very apologetic to the family in question.

To make a comparison between a child of any sex being expected to show manners when a guest in someone's house, and a girl being able to say no to a man making unwanted approaches says more about the person making such a fucked comparison than anyone on this thread and is really quite sick.

Gottagetmoving · 12/08/2017 16:01

If you were in a shop and the shop assistant asked you 10 times if you wanted a chocolate bar with your purchases, how would you react?

Not by shouting and slamming that's for sure.
I doubt the assistant would ask again if I said firmly 'No thank you and please don't ask me again'
It's shocking that anyone thinks it's ok to react aggressively to annoying behaviour. There really is no need. By adulthood you should have learned assertiveness and consideration. A child may not have those skills but the parent shouldn't be proud when they react aggressively. It's an opportunity to teach them a better way...That is discipline, teaching them!

AlexanderHamilton · 12/08/2017 16:01

I don't think it's unlikely at all as I have seen that very scenario several times both with myself & dd & ds.

BewareOfDragons · 12/08/2017 16:02

I'm not going to read through ... but I don't think he was nearly as rude as the grandma continually trying to push him to eat a sandwich. No means no. He kept saying 'No, thank you' and was repeatedly ignored. I'd've lost the plot, too.

WE teach are children the ability to say No for many reasons, and then we criticize them for exercising their right to say No? I don't think so.

LouHotel · 12/08/2017 16:03

@idohaveaname What an incredibly unfair assessment of you. We're affected by our parenting but not defined by it.

CosmicPineapple · 12/08/2017 16:03

It was so ingrained in me that i let adults feel me up, hurt me and so on because it had been drummed into me never to be rude.

Sorry but no!
I was raised to be polite but also raised to know right from wrong.
Men felt me up and 1 raped me not because I was too polite ffs!!! They did it because they are scum and their size and violence scared me not because I was too polite to say no!

Being felt up is not like taking a sandwich.

I am out. The OP will protect her precious child no matter what level she is willing to sink to.

Stop him going on play dates. Problem solved. No need for him to be polite no need for others to be uncomfortable.

BewareOfDragons · 12/08/2017 16:03

I also think we shouldn't hold a child to adult standards ... he finally lost the plot and shouted and slammed something down. An adult might be more astute to say, look, I mean no. Stop asking. A child might not be there yet...

NotTheDuchessOfCambridge · 12/08/2017 16:04

I agree iwanttosmell, that comparison is ridiculous! What a stretch. His life wasn't in peril, he was rude.

userofthiswebsite · 12/08/2017 16:04

Irrespective of the gran being overly pushy with the sandwiches, there is a way to deal with the situation and it is not with shouting and aggression.

The only situation where I could say the reaction was justified if was, say, the tray of sandwiches were all peanut butter, and he had an allergy and the sandwiches posed a threat to health.

Other than that, there is no excuse, his reaction was OTT.

MsGameandWatching · 12/08/2017 16:04

I'd be mortified if my child behaved like this, right up until I heard their side as described by OP s son. Then there would be a not particularly lengthy discussion on strategies to deal with annoying pushy adults. I wouldn't be disciplining my child for this and I wouldn't automatically assume he was a liar as so many MNetters like to do about children. I'm not raising an automaton and I actually like and trust my children so I don't think about them like that.

VestalVirgin · 12/08/2017 16:05

Oh, and all the people here who claim that the poor boy is bound to become an abusive man ... wtf?
Abusive men are abusive towards people who are less powerful than they are, not rude to people who are more powerful. They are also manipulative.

I also wonder how concerned about abusive men someone can be if they'd teach a child to not ever be rude to adults, thus making the child a perfect victim for abusers. Hmm

trappedinsuburbia · 12/08/2017 16:06

I wouldn't discipline him, I would try to teach him some more appropriate responses for difficult situations/when he feels cornered.
Getting away from the situation asap/counting to ten/breathing techniques.
I think he did quite well in the circumstances (apart from the glass).

IdoHaveAName · 12/08/2017 16:08

Flip this situation then. If you were the host and it was your mother offering the food? What would you think of the child's reaction?

Armadillostoes · 12/08/2017 16:08

Ido-your post makes very little sense. Of course abusive men have parents! But that is not the same as saying that parenting style is the key factor, or more to the point, that the OP's decision not to punish on this occasion is likely to produce an abusivr adult.

And whilst you probably meant the old lady comment kindly, it is patronising, ageist and sexist. She was an adult human-the other characteristics don't matter here. Unless you think that older females are weak or not in control of their own behaviour?