Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To not discipline DS for shouting at an adult

986 replies

riverotter · 12/08/2017 12:37

DS(10) is normally quiet and quite polite. However, he can explode a bit if pushed.

He was at a friend's house last night and I picked him up at just after 8. The mum seemed a bit quiet and this morning she sent a text asking if we could talk so I called her.

Her version is that DS shouted and slammed a glass down on the table and it made everybody feel very uncomfortable. Obviously I asked what brought it on and she said it was because her mum, so his friend's grandma, had offered DS a sandwich!

So I spoke to DS. He started crying Sad and said he did but he didn't really like any of them so kept saying no thank you, no thank you. But apparently the gran kept saying go on, have one, they are nice, I've been making these all afternoon. He said she was waving one in his face when he shouted 'no, I said no.' (I actually taught him that phrase a while back.)

So - discipline or not? I'm not sure how to deal with this. I hate rudeness but I hate people who won't say no for an answer as well.

OP posts:
scottishdiem · 12/08/2017 15:24

Those worrying about the child be abusive when older should be then asking why an old lady is trying to force food down a child's gullet. I don't know why the old women is endorsing childhood obesity...

GetAHaircutCarl · 12/08/2017 15:25

I used to put up with all manner of behaviour from other peoples kids.

Then another mum who had older kids ( so had been there and worn the tee shirt) pointed out that there are tons of lovely well behaved kids. More than enough to go around so why would she bother with the ones who were not?

Lightbulb moment!

Other people (mostly) won't put up with this stuff. DC need to learn this lesson pretty promptly. And it's our responsibility to teach em.

Guavaf1sh · 12/08/2017 15:25

Obviously the child is a rude self entitled brat

IdoHaveAName · 12/08/2017 15:26

Interesting username you have nokidshere 'There are always children at my house '

LouHotel · 12/08/2017 15:26

Adults are aware of the authority they have over children. To ignore a childs REASONABLE request over and over again is appalling.

Your son felt pressured and went into fight or flight mode. The only thing you need to teach him is social nuisances of theres certain situation you can get angry at and others you need to be calmly assertive. But thats a difficult road to navigate and im astounded by some of the comments in this thread suggesting youve failed as a parent.

AskBasil · 12/08/2017 15:27

Also people who are saying he should have walked away, there's a certain class of people who see a child leaving the table without being given permission to do so, as incredibly rude.

It just looks like the poor kid couldn't win here. I'm not in favour of the glass crashing, that's obviously completely unacceptable, but kids do unacceptable things and we explain why it's unacceptable and then they stop doing it. We don't assume that they're on their way to Borstal. Some of the responses here really are mad, but very entertaining. Grin

Willow2017 · 12/08/2017 15:28

Jesus Christ a child is pressurised to do something he has repeatedly said no to as he didn't like it and was already full up and people are deciding he will grow up to be a violent man !

Wow get a grip why is it ok to bully a child but not ok for the child to react out of frustration. He is only 10 he will learn but maybe it's too late for the Granny to learn that you dont get to force kids to eat your bloody sandwiches if they don't like them or they have had enough

In what universe did she think "oh he doesnt want any more. I know I will pick one and wave it in his face that will change his mind"?

The poor kid was being pressurised by an adult to do something they didn't want to do. Aren't we supposed to be teaching our kids that that isnt ok and they can say no and not expect the adult to keep on pressurising them.

CosmicPineapple · 12/08/2017 15:28

noki not a waste at all. The sandwiches were mae to be eaten and I would think if not they would be binned.
If the child had taken a bite and left it (which most do anyway as they dont like crusts) there would have been no anger, no more encouraging granny and no upset friend. I think the waste of a sandwhich is worth that it tbh.

IdoHaveAName · 12/08/2017 15:28

We have his side of the story. The OP hasn't actually told us what the mother's side of the story is.

HereBeFuckery · 12/08/2017 15:28

Why is being rude seen as so awful? Honestly? I mean, this is very very minor in the scheme of things. It's the kind of rudeness that cuts through bullshit, and frankly, I can't see a problem with it - except for the glass slamming. I wish more people would say what they mean, dance around an issue less and spend less bloody time trying desperately not to offend. It's so tiring. If Granny is so precious that one child refusing one sandwich will give her the vapours, Granny needs to man the fuck up.

If I had your son's confidence, and self-assurance, OP, I wouldn't be 16st, I wouldn't be married to a man who treats me badly, and I wouldn't have been sexually abused by my grandfather. I'd have had the courage to speak up even when others are doing that frantic cat's bum mouth frown which means 'don't say it here/now/in front of X', and say 'no, I don't want to be given sweets, I want cuddles, no I don't want to be left to do all the wifework then screamed at, no, I don't want to have to 'understand that Grandad has 'urges' and it's rude to talk about things like that'.'

Yes, he needs more self control - all 10 year olds do. Fuck, many adults do. Many many many. But the sentiment, that he wasn't going to be pushed around? Good for him.

Pengggwn · 12/08/2017 15:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nokidshere · 12/08/2017 15:30

"Interesting username you have nokidshere 'There are always children at my house"

Hahahaha because usernames are always indicative of the life of the person using them???

But I don't have kids at my house - I do however have lots of children SmileGrin

melj1213 · 12/08/2017 15:30

I can't believe its so hard to understand - the people suggesting he should have said 'no thank you', understand that he did it, and they mean that he should keep doing that. Over and over if necessary. It won't hurt a child to just have to repeat something several times!

But why should he have to? If he said no, he means no.

How many times should he have to repeat it before it becomes unreasonable to ask again? 10? 20? 50? 100?

And what age is the cut off point between having to say "No thank you" ad nauseum until the other person stops asking and being allowed to say "I have said no. Please do not ask again" (or words to that effect) after a few rounds of questioning? 10? 13? 16? 18?

If I don't want something I say "No thank you." If someone asks again, it's understandable they want to be sure I'm not just being polite, or they want to make me aware that there are different options/flavours/types etc and so I have no issue repeating my "No, i'm fine thank you" ... if they then continue to ask, they are being rude because they are not listening to me.

I am not 10 and therefore I have had a few years to hone and develop enough strategies to politely but firmly say "I do not want any, thank you.I will let you know if I change my mind so please do not ask me again." but even I have had times where I am saying that but in my head I am screaming "ARE YOU DEAF? I SAID NO! WHY THE FUCK CAN'T YOU TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER AND FUCK OFF?!"

bridgetoc · 12/08/2017 15:30

OP......... Both you, and a few others are trying to make excuses for what he did. Dont........

He is a child, and it's not a big deal. However, smashing glasses down and shouting at an elderly woman is not the right way to behave. No matter how annoying she was with her food.

You must explain that to him. Do not let him think it was o.k. That's the wrong way. Teach him to stick to his guns, but always be polite. That's the right way.

You should get him to apologise to the family whos party it was. By all means have him explain that it was the nans insistence that made him lose his rag, but that he is sorry that he behaved in the way he did.

Armadillostoes · 12/08/2017 15:30

The comments about mothers of abusive men are just vile and posters should be ashamed. To infer that a child who isn't punished for blowing up when cornered and stressed will become an abusive adult is both nasty and absurd. He needs to be helped to learn that there are more appropriate ways of responding to people who lack social skills or display manipulative behavuour. But he doesn't need blaming for a diffucukt situation which a self-centred adult created What kind of message is eat this food or I will feel sad?

MeanAger · 12/08/2017 15:31

The OP hasn't actually told us what the mother's side of the story is.

She has, it was in the OP- the very first post on the thread.

Her version is that DS shouted and slammed a glass down on the table and it made everybody feel very uncomfortable. Obviously I asked what brought it on and she said it was because her mum, so his friend's grandma, had offered DS a sandwich!

KurriKurri · 12/08/2017 15:32

Well we all wonder on threads about violent men, who the hell raised them. Here is an example.

I think that is extremely unfair. OP has come on here asking for advice, she's had plenty of criticism (from me included) but she's stuck around and answered the points raised.

My DS has worked in prisons with extremely violent men - it is way way more complex than you suggest. For the start there is almost always a background of violence and abuse of some sort. The parenting or lack of it many of them have received is frighteningly awful. To suggest a little boy who made a mistake and yes was rude and lost his temper, will grow up to be a violent man is ridiculously massive leap based on one incident and unkind to the OP, who sounds like a caring Mum, and her DS.

Armadillostoes · 12/08/2017 15:32

Bridge neither the age nor the gender of the adult in this case should be relevant.

Pengggwn · 12/08/2017 15:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
riverotter · 12/08/2017 15:33

Thumb your DS sounds like mine.

Ido, I did.

Mum reckons Grandma offered a sandwich and DS shouted at her and slammed the glass.

DS says she said "here, have a sandwich." He said no thank you. She said "ah go on, they are nice." DS said no thank you. She said "here, there is a nice ham and tomato" (other kids choroused in saying DS is veggie) she then said "well there is cheese or egg, have one of them." DS said no thank you. She said "ah I have been making these all afternoon, have one!" DS said no thank you. She put one in front of his face and said here have just this one. DS was having a drink, slammed it down and shouted "I said no!"

OP posts:
user7841794168 · 12/08/2017 15:34

He was rude, I wouldn't be inviting a child like that to my house again no matter how persistent they were at trying to offer him a sandwich.

strawberrisc · 12/08/2017 15:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

VestalVirgin · 12/08/2017 15:34

It is good you taught him that he is allowed to say no to adults.That's something more parents should do. Specifically with female children, who will need it a lot in adult life, too.

You should work on his "tendency to explode", though. That may seem harmless in a ten year old, but will be threatening behaviour in an adult.

Wouldn't punish him for that. But talk to him about older women whose only way to get some ego boost is other people liking the food they made, and how to understand where they're coming from. Developing some empathy might help him not react that way next time.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/08/2017 15:35

I am shocked at posters condemning a 10 year old to being an abusive adult!

Original poster
riverotter · 12/08/2017 15:36

Thanks kurri

I do worry about him being volatile. But it has never esculated into violence. I hope it doesn't.

He honestly is a lovely boy but he just struggles when on the spot and frustrated and if they are combined then explosions happen.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread