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Original poster

To not discipline DS for shouting at an adult

986 replies

riverotter · 12/08/2017 12:37

DS(10) is normally quiet and quite polite. However, he can explode a bit if pushed.

He was at a friend's house last night and I picked him up at just after 8. The mum seemed a bit quiet and this morning she sent a text asking if we could talk so I called her.

Her version is that DS shouted and slammed a glass down on the table and it made everybody feel very uncomfortable. Obviously I asked what brought it on and she said it was because her mum, so his friend's grandma, had offered DS a sandwich!

So I spoke to DS. He started crying Sad and said he did but he didn't really like any of them so kept saying no thank you, no thank you. But apparently the gran kept saying go on, have one, they are nice, I've been making these all afternoon. He said she was waving one in his face when he shouted 'no, I said no.' (I actually taught him that phrase a while back.)

So - discipline or not? I'm not sure how to deal with this. I hate rudeness but I hate people who won't say no for an answer as well.

OP posts:
MeanAger · 12/08/2017 15:09

bridge what do your Dc say when nanny insists and waves the food in their face?

TennisAtXmas · 12/08/2017 15:10

This time it was a pushy grandma with sandwiches. Another time it could be a paedo. We need to empower our kids. We really do.

We do, but its also important for a child to learn to gauge what sorts of situation are those where they can be slightly rude if necessary, to get the point across.

Its not OK to shout at someone for offering food, just as its not OK to shout at a teacher who asks him to do some work he thinks he won't enjoy. He is old enough to think this through, and judge the (rare) occasions when he should be super assertive, and OP needs to be clear that he made an inappropriate choice and suggest ways to respond in future.
For those saying he's just a little boy - in a couple of years he'll be a big boy, maybe as big as many adults, and if, say, he shouts and slams something down when a 5 year old is being annoying verbally, it will be seen as a problem with aggressive behaviour.
It is much kinder to teach him what's acceptable now, rather than excusing it.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/08/2017 15:10

That's his Nanna, whobyourcds knows very well, this woman is a stranger to ds.

nokidshere · 12/08/2017 15:10

On the other hand, I'm getting an insight into the mind-set of mothers who rear violent men

A small overreaction there I think!

Not being able to handle a situation at 10 does not mean he will become a violent adult Confused

Gileswithachainsaw · 12/08/2017 15:12

This kind of thing drives me crazy let alone a ten yr old yr old.

No thank you means no thank you are is wrong with people they think it's ok to go on and on and on then I've the nerve to get upset when someone gets pissed off.

I would tell off for slamming a glass as that's unnecessary but the rest she brought on herself she needs to look up the word no in the dictionary

MeanAger · 12/08/2017 15:13

And would that have been the end of the world?

How patronising. Would it have been the end of the world for granny if he didn't eat one of her sandwiches? TBH this sounds like one of those adults who has to win battles of wills over children. Quite immature. Stop investing emotions into whether someone likes your food or not and learn that their refusal to eat is nituung to do with you and entirely to do with them. As it should be.

Original poster
riverotter · 12/08/2017 15:14

Where did I say he ate cake? Confused

He had a bit of salad, quiche, cous cous and strawberries. And cake!

It was a sandwich he didn't want.

bridge the grandma here was a bit pushier than your mum.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 12/08/2017 15:15

Totally agree with every world melj. Op D's should not be forced to take food he does not want. What if he was allergic to it,. Nobody has to eat food they don't want to, especially for the sake of keeping adults happy.

Original poster
riverotter · 12/08/2017 15:15

I very much hope I do not raise a violent man.

I also hope I raise a.confident man.

OP posts:
BillBrysonsBeard · 12/08/2017 15:16

I think he definitely shouldn't have shouted, just said no thankyou and walked to the other side of the room maybe. Then if she carries on then say a firm "I really don't want one but thankyou!" He's 10 and he will learn from this.
I've been on the end of food forcing and had to literally unwrap someones hand from my wrist as they were dragging me to the food! And had to be firm in my "No really I'm not hungry!" I hated that they made me do that.

MeanAger · 12/08/2017 15:17

You see that would be really bad manners. Enough room to eat cake but not enough room to eat a sandwich that granny went to the trouble of making. And it's not even good from a dietary point of view either - kids can often be hungry for cake and not sandwiches!

Ridiculous!

You know what, kids go to their friends house for fun, not to be bullied into eating food they don't want. If a child wants cake instead of a sandwich that is entirely fine! It is one meal. He had already eaten the savoury food. The hosts are not responsible for his childhood nutrition. It was one meal. Seriously, get a grip. Do you really treat children visitors to your home like this?

OuchLegoHurts · 12/08/2017 15:18

Confident and rude!

CosmicPineapple · 12/08/2017 15:18

He was rude.
I teach my children to be thankful of food offered to them at other peoples houses and even if they have 1 small bite and leave it thats better than just saying "no I dont like it".
I have 4 very unfussy eaters who are invited for tea regular because they are polite and eat/attempt to eat what is provided.

However, he can explode a bit if pushed.

^^This would worry me. Not a trait I encourage in my children tbh.

TennisAtXmas · 12/08/2017 15:18

Also, I love the irony of people who had a go at the OP for her child not just saying "No thank you" when she clearly states in her OP that he did ... you're as bad as the granny who was too busy with her own agenda of sandwich pushing to listen to the important facts the other person is imparting.
I can't believe its so hard to understand - the people suggesting he should have said 'no thank you', understand that he did it, and they mean that he should keep doing that. Over and over if necessary. It won't hurt a child to just have to repeat something several times!
That's life, sometimes people are a bit slow to get the message - but if they're meaning to be kind, and not hurting you, its not OK to yell at them. Ever.

Miserylovescompany2 · 12/08/2017 15:19

nokidshere

"Really? You couldn't deal with one small boys outburst that lasted all of two minutes? You would break up your sons friendship over it?"

It shouldn't be my job to parent a guest in my own home. When did I mention friendship or the ending of one?

I'm sure OP could invite the friend to her home. If the other child's parent(s) were in agreement.

melj1213 · 12/08/2017 15:20

On the other hand, I'm getting an insight into the mind-set of mothers who rear violent men.

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

My DD threw her book onto the table, huffed and said I was a horrible person on the 10th time of me nagging asking her to tidy up the lego she had left all over the lounge earlier in the afternoon.

Is she going to turn into an abuser too, because she was frustrated at me nagging her and threw her book on the table to express that?

MeanAger · 12/08/2017 15:21

Its not OK to shout at someone for offering food

That's not why he shouted. He had responded to the offer of food politely. The perosn then continued to pester him. He shouted because he was being pestered.

TheStoic · 12/08/2017 15:21

I feel sorry for the poor kid.

Granny has no social boundaries, and he reacted poorly.

He doesn't need disciplining, he needs help in learning how to behave in uncomfortable situations.

And just in case he IS invited back, politely decline.

IdoHaveAName · 12/08/2017 15:22

Well we all wonder on threads about violent men, who the hell raised them. Here is an example.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 12/08/2017 15:23

I'm hesitant to post this because of the aggressive responses to the child "slamming" a glass down.

DS1 is 9, 10 at the end of the year. This is slightly different but, as I posted before, he's having some trouble dealing with his frustration and anger at the moment: he was at school a little while ago and the noise levels in the classroom were getting out of control (Supply teacher). He was getting upset and frustrated and eventually slammed his hands down onto the desk in front of him and burst into tears. He did not have a glass in his hands, obviously, but if he had, he would have doubtless slammed that down too.

He just didn't know what to do with the frustration and anger that was building in response to the noise levels, and they got the better of him.

He is not a violent child, never has been, even when provoked. But he did not know how to handle that situation, or himself. He didn't throw anything (like another child in his class in a similar situation), he didn't hit anyone else - he just slammed his hands down.

I have, of course, had words with him about what to do in future before things get to that level - try to leave the room, try to block the noise, try to put himself in a calmer place - and as far as I know, he hasn't had another such outburst.

If this is the first time that the OP's son has had that reaction to frustrating provocation, then it is very unlikely to be an indicator of future violence; but it IS something that he needs to learn to channel or diffuse in a different way.

Lavabravacava · 12/08/2017 15:23

This thread is a fabulous study of society.

Just discussed it with my kids - one is a similar age and they were laughing and pretty horrified at the glass slamming.

It's really simple. Shouting 'no, I said no' is for when they are in actual danger.

Granny being bothersome? Ask to come home. The poster who felt the child was entitled to the play date and the Granny should back off, I disagree. It's their home. They should behave naturally in their home and guests who don't like it should leave. If it's their thing to offer food 500 times and you don't like it? Don't go.

One of my kids is really fussy and like a previous poster, he's been taught to just eat the bits he can, smile and say thank you. If he was so unhappy, and he couldn't do that then he wouldn't go back to that destination.

We are not taking power away from our children by teaching them to be polite. We are empowering them and equipping them for the big bad world.

Teach them when 'No, I said no!' Should actually be used.

nokidshere · 12/08/2017 15:23

I teach my children to be thankful of food offered to them at other peoples houses and even if they have 1 small bite and leave it thats better than just saying "no I dont like it".

What a waste. There are always children at my house and I never make them eat what they don't want. I'm more likely to say "only take what you want to eat" in order to reduce waste. Nothing worse than a child putting lots of things on the plate, taking a bite out of everything then leaving it all.

You can be thankful without being wasteful or under pressure to eat.

Kleinzeit · 12/08/2017 15:24

Where did I say he ate cake?

You didn't Smile - I was making a point about having enough space for foods you like and I picked cake at random. You can politely say "it looks lovely but I'm full" so long as you don't then eat anything else where the other person can see

There's a difference between being confident and being rude and your DS found himself on the wrong side of it. Knowing how to get out of a tricky situation politely is a huge boost to confidence and so is apologising for your side when you get it wrong.

AskBasil · 12/08/2017 15:24

"What will he do at 16? Punch the grandmother?"

No he won't, will he, because this is a great learning opportunity that the OP will obviously take.

I've come round to agreeing with the people who say he's a kid who got it wrong.

Assuming that a child who gets it wrong will grow up to be violent, is just silly.

No one has commented on the hostess. If my mother was nagging my kid's friends to eat stuff they didn't want to, frankly I would be the one who was saying "Mum, will you please stop, he doesn't want it, leave him alone".

Why didn't the hostess challenge her mother's bad behaviour? I wouldn't allow a child to be treated like that in my house.

diddl · 12/08/2017 15:24

I do think that he was rude to slam a glass & shout.

I think that the "no, I said no" was fine to say-but not to shout.

How many times to we read on here about adults doing something that they don't want to because they couldn't say no?

So I think a talk about trying to remain calm & polite would be enough-plus that it would be OK to ask to come home if he's had enough?

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