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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not discipline DS for shouting at an adult

986 replies

riverotter · 12/08/2017 12:37

DS(10) is normally quiet and quite polite. However, he can explode a bit if pushed.

He was at a friend's house last night and I picked him up at just after 8. The mum seemed a bit quiet and this morning she sent a text asking if we could talk so I called her.

Her version is that DS shouted and slammed a glass down on the table and it made everybody feel very uncomfortable. Obviously I asked what brought it on and she said it was because her mum, so his friend's grandma, had offered DS a sandwich!

So I spoke to DS. He started crying Sad and said he did but he didn't really like any of them so kept saying no thank you, no thank you. But apparently the gran kept saying go on, have one, they are nice, I've been making these all afternoon. He said she was waving one in his face when he shouted 'no, I said no.' (I actually taught him that phrase a while back.)

So - discipline or not? I'm not sure how to deal with this. I hate rudeness but I hate people who won't say no for an answer as well.

OP posts:
Miserylovescompany2 · 12/08/2017 14:56

I think Bluntness most definitely hit a raw nerve in the OP?

What excuses will be made for his unacceptable behaviours as he grows?

He knew fine well he was wrong to act the way he did - yet through a few faux tears you basically condoned his potentially violent outburst - had he slammed that glass only a tiny bit harder - it would have smashed!

Had he been in my home - you'd of had a phone call to collect him forthwith - he wouldn't be invited again either.

Original poster
riverotter · 12/08/2017 14:57

Yes but I am talking about maybe 4 or 5 incidents in a lifetime.

OP posts:
Original poster
riverotter · 12/08/2017 14:57

I wish they had to be honest Misery

We shall see.

OP posts:
nokidshere · 12/08/2017 14:59

Had he been in my home - you'd of had a phone call to collect him forthwith - he wouldn't be invited again either.

Really? You couldn't deal with one small boys outburst that lasted all of two minutes? You would break up your sons friendship over it?

As I said ... lots of grips needed Confused

LouHotel · 12/08/2017 15:00

He's a child so he's still learning techniques on how to be assertive in a situation without resorting to shouting. Hell im a grown women and im still learning.

Its not ideal what he did but i think its much more important to lay the groundwork for children to feel they can say no to situations than to just go along with it.

In 5 years time it will be a peer asking your DS to try a ciggarette and i bet your kid will be much stronger at saying no than the children of some mumnetters on this thread.

Emmageddon · 12/08/2017 15:00

The banging of the glass on the table was an aggressive - and possibly dangerous - gesture, but he obviously felt backed into a corner. If my DS reacted like this, I would have a talk about being assertive, not aggressive, and remaining courteous.

scottishdiem · 12/08/2017 15:01

The glass thing was a step to far but you probably need to explain to him that there are a great number of adults who think that children are incapable of making reasoned decisions so like to force them to do things they don't want to do. Teach him different ways of saying no thanks, thank you but no, I must decline, is really rather not etc. Eventually even the most ignorant adult will get the point.

Reminding DS that it's good for him to remember that No means No as it will put him in good stead in future....

IdoHaveAName · 12/08/2017 15:03

You can't shout and slam glasses. What will he do at 16? Punch the grandmother? It's completely unacceptable behaviour but you are the author of this story. He's a rude, aggressive and socially inept child as a result of whatever you have taught him. I think you need to teach him manners.
If he was 16, would his actions have been ok?
What if he was 36?

bridgetoc · 12/08/2017 15:04

@notevernotnever.......... My kids are very assertive, but they are not rude. It goes something like this....

Nan....... Would you like a cake/tea/drink

Son.......... No thank you Nanny.

Nan......... Ahhh go on, your wasting away.

DS.......... I've already had something nanny.

Nan........ Go on, just a bit......

DS.......... I really don't want it nanny, but thank you.

That's that OP...... Simple.

Smashing glasses down on tables and raising your voice is very rude, and not the right thing to do. The OP should teach her son how to say no in a polite way.

KurriKurri · 12/08/2017 15:04

Every awkward encounter is learning opportunity - despite what I have said - he's a kid, he made a mistake.

It's certainly one he can put right. With any luck he won't find himself pushed like that very often - and if it happens again he'll be a bit older and have thought about other ways to handle it. All good - I think it is highly unlikely he is going to be a social outcast, never invited to picnics because of one little incident Smile

It's not a case of discipline or punishment, just a case of having a chat and moving forwards.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/08/2017 15:04

Lots of grips needed here. As he's still a child, there's time to learn. The thing he did wring was slam the glass down, the rest fine. Especially when he's said no thank you several times, it gets bloody annoying for even adults. He will have to learn to manage his anger, this might come with age.

Pengggwn · 12/08/2017 15:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GetAHaircutCarl · 12/08/2017 15:05

The thing is OP we have to teach pour DC to be assertive within accepted societal norms.
Once we encourage them to behave outside those norms we have to accept the consequences; social disapproval.

Slamming down glasses will never Be socially acceptable in these circumstances for a ten year old.

Your choice.

Joey7t8 · 12/08/2017 15:06

You can't shout and slam glasses. What will he do at 16? Punch the grandmother?

Ridiculous. I expect by the age of 16, he'll have developed sufficient adult skills to be able to deal with such a situation.

Have your never seen a child lose their temper? Do you think that they all grow up to be violent?

Aeroflotgirl · 12/08/2017 15:06

bridge, he did all that but she would not stop, and continued, been trying to put it near him, then what!

melj1213 · 12/08/2017 15:06

OP your DS was not unreasonable to want to assert himself when he was backed into a corner by someone who wasn't listening and therefore I don't think he needs to be disciplined or apologise for standing up for himself. I do think he owes the granny an apology for shouting and slamming the glass down though. That was an extreme reaction and, whilst it was borne out of frustration at not being listened to, it doesn't mean he shouldn't have to apologise for rude behaviour.

Perhaps instead of discipline or apology, you can sit down with your DS and go through strategies he can use when someone won't take no for an answer, especially since it's easy to forget that what is totally OK for an adult to say to another adult can come across as cheeky/rude if said by a child to an adult. "No, thank you. I do not want a sandwich, please don't ask me again" would be a totally acceptable thing for an adult to say to another adult, but if said by a child they may be seen as rude for being so forceful. Kids can't win - we ask them to behave like an adult, but punish them if they dare assert themselves like we would expect another adult to.

I cannot believe the amount of posters on here who are calling the child rude/badly behaved for standing their ground and getting frustrated when someone is refusing to respect their choice and advocating for them to just do as they are told, even if it is something that makes them uncomfortable or they have already made clear that they do not want to do!

"He should have just said 'No thank you'" - He did and was ignored. How long is is he supposed to continually say "No thank you" before it is accepted that he knows he does not want what is being forced on him offered? How many times does he have to say it before he can be more forceful?

"Just take a sandwich" - Why?! IF the OP's son knows he does not want a sandwich and has been polite in refusing it, he has no obligation to take one.

"Take a sandwich, but don't eat it" - Why, so Granny's feelings aren't hurt? So we should teach children to ignore their own wishes just to make other people happy? Also in some cases taking a sandwich and not eating it would be wasteful and/or could draw more attention to the fact the child hasn't eaten the sandwich they didn't want in the first place and can lead to them being expected to eat it as they should finish everything on their plate, or to being questioned further about why they haven't eaten it.

"Take it and just eat a little bit" - Again, why? If he doesn't want a sandwich, why should he be forced to eat any part of one just to please other people? If he doesn't want to eat any of it, he has no obligation to eat it.

Kleinzeit · 12/08/2017 15:06

I do not think people should have to eat food they don't want, or drink alcohol, or smoke.

You can't always be that black-and-white about it though. Not to the point where you are a guest and offending your host. Then you've got to balance your priorities. There's a big difference between something I shouldn't have at all and something I don't fancy right now.

just now who sheepishly said he thought if he ate a sandwich she would try to make him eat more "and I really had had enough, Mum."

And would that have been the end of the world?

At the moment all my children eat when hungry and I really want to keep it that way.

Your DS is starting to socialise independently in places where not everyone shares your priorities. He needs to start learning how to deal with it without losing his temper or giving unnecessary offense.

You're not doing him any favours by teaching him that "eat when he is hungry" is worth a tantrum*

he didn't want a sandwich because he didn't like them and he was full.

You see that would be really bad manners. Enough room to eat cake but not enough room to eat a sandwich that granny went to the trouble of making. And it's not even good from a dietary point of view either - kids can often be hungry for cake and not sandwiches!

If he couldn't have managed another sandwich then OK he could have explained that he was already full up and maybe appealed to his hostess for help. But that means no more cake as well.

And whether he was totally full or not, he needs to apologise for blowing up.

Armadillostoes · 12/08/2017 15:06

YANBU some of the responses on here show a lack of empathy. I agree that rudeness isn't acceptable. He obviously felt presurred into eating something he wasn't comfortable with.

Maybe talk to him about why his behaviour wasn't appropriate, but also make it clear that the adult behaved badly too. Being older is never carte blanche to be rude and she was rude first.

MadamPince · 12/08/2017 15:07

Given that he started crying when you brought up the situation with him it's clear that he found it quite distressing and reacted out of frustration because he didn't know what else to do.

I'd not punish him, I'd sit down and discuss why he felt so distressed what techniques he could use to keep his calm next time and what other, more appropriate response he could've given after his polite 'no' was ignored several times.

If he feels up to it a short 'sorry I overreacted, I didn't mean to' message would be good.

Calling him unhinged and somehow implying he's unfit to be let loose in society need a BiscuitBiscuitBiscuit

Notevilstepmother · 12/08/2017 15:07

Bridge, that's fine if Granny gets the message after 2 attempts, but sometimes this goes on and on for longer.

melj1213 · 12/08/2017 15:07

Also, I love the irony of people who had a go at the OP for her child not just saying "No thank you" when she clearly states in her OP that he did ... you're as bad as the granny who was too busy with her own agenda of sandwich pushing to listen to the important facts the other person is imparting.

MadamPince · 12/08/2017 15:07

*people who are calling him...

IdoHaveAName · 12/08/2017 15:07

On the other hand, I'm getting an insight into the mind-set of mothers who rear violent men.

exLtEveDallas · 12/08/2017 15:08

I wouldn't 'discipline'

I would have a word with DS and give him some 'safer' phrases to use in similar situations:
"No thank you I've already eaten"
"No thank you I'm full"
"No thank you, please don't ask again"

I would speak to friend and apologise on DS behalf. "I'm very sorry friend that DS shouted and slammed down the glass, he shouldn't have done that and I have dealt with it. Please pass on my apologies to granny"

I'd then let it go.

Both DS and Granny were in the wrong and nothing good would come out of prolonging the issue.

GuiltyFeet · 12/08/2017 15:08

To the people suggesting the child should have made an excuse and asked to go home in order to get out of this situation:
Why on earth should a child be made to leave their friend's house where they were presumably having a nice time playing, because another adult can't take no for an answer?
If my child was made to feel so uncomfortable at someone's house that they had no option but to pretend to be ill and come home, I would be seriously unhappy with the hosts.