To not discipline DS for shouting at an adult

[riverotter]

DS(10) is normally quiet and quite polite. However, he can explode a bit if pushed.

He was at a friend's house last night and I picked him up at just after 8. The mum seemed a bit quiet and this morning she sent a text asking if we could talk so I called her.

Her version is that DS shouted and slammed a glass down on the table and it made everybody feel very uncomfortable. Obviously I asked what brought it on and she said it was because her mum, so his friend's grandma, had offered DS a sandwich!

So I spoke to DS. He started crying and said he did but he didn't really like any of them so kept saying no thank you, no thank you. But apparently the gran kept saying go on, have one, they are nice, I've been making these all afternoon. He said she was waving one in his face when he shouted 'no, I said no.' (I actually taught him that phrase a while back.)

So - discipline or not? I'm not sure how to deal with this. I hate rudeness but I hate people who won't say no for an answer as well.

bluntness wtf are you on about. Your post is very concerning. This is a 10 year old child, not a violent abuser . No slamming the glass was not ideal, but his requests was being ignored. The adults are also responsible for this. If a child is in my house, I offer once "no thank you", I offer again, if its still no, I respect that. Justctell them that I am leaving the plate there if they want to help themselves. I raise my children with a firm hand (no smack).

Same posters saying well today it's not standing up to granny with a sandwich, tomorrow it's not standing up to an abuser

If you can't see the spectrum, you're not really trying. Telling your children that it is rude to stand up to adults who are stepping over the childs personal boundaries is a bad idea. Force feeding is a boundary issue, being told to do your school work is not.
That shouldn't need explaining to parents.

Actually bluntness may well be spot on. That sounds a far more likely conversation than a woman standing in your child's face waving a sandwich and saying "have a sandwich have a sandwich" on loop. Like some kind of frenzied sandwich-pushing nutcase?

But then that depends if your the sort that thinks their children can do no wrong.

He obviously offended the mum of the house and the grandmother. I assume they are ok parents? If not and their parenting standards are so woeful in your eyes why do you let your child go there?

Bluntness are you always so nasty about children? Didn't your mother teach you not to be so horrible for no reason?
Shame you weren't raised better.

When my DDs were 10 had they been confronted with a sandwich being forced on them with no polite way to get out of it, the'd have burst into tears - then Bluntness would have been calling them special snowflakes.

I think she was rude to continue asking him. As for him standing up for himself and them not accepting that he didn't want one.. I think he was right to do something. I don't think the glass slamming was necessary but I don't think he should be disciplined. How many times should somebody, more over a vulnerable child, say no thank you before the other person stops? You are being very reasonable. I would be proud of my son too.

For fucks sake, offering a sandwich one too many times is abuse by 'force feeding' is it notever

Drama llama much?

Yes, lack of social skills! But OP is proud of this.

I do not think people should have to eat food they don't want, or drink alcohol, or smoke.

I was chatting to DS just now who sheepishly said he thought if he ate a sandwich she would try to make him eat more "and I really had had enough, Mum."

At the moment all my children eat when hungry and I really want to keep it that way.

I think there is also the being the centre of attention as the persistent offerings grandma did would draw everyone's eye. My sympathy s are with the boy.
I have vivid memories of forcing down fruit salad and cream At someone's house, long after everyone had finished, I hated cream, but assumptions were made .

Bluntness100

That was so uncalled for, I guess you think he should have just ate the sandwich to please his elders?

As adults we shouldn't force food on children and certainly not wave sandwiches in their faces, my son is a very fussy eater and I would be furious if an older family did that to him.

Thank you tiggy

Velvet - who's been spitting food? What is going on here today?

Get a grip of the situation OP and start raising your child in the correct way.

My mother is always very pushy with her cakes and her tea. My kids would never behave in the way your son has to their own nan, let alone someone elses.

He was a very rude boy, but who knows. You say that you was "proud of him" for doing what he did...... He probably gets it from you.

I bloody would have raised mynvoice if they kept ignoring me. Yes my family do shove food in your face literally. Like that poster and the horrid Frau, my Auntie kept trying forcing food on me, I felt I could not say no, I was sick everywhere. Very humiliating. A child shpd be able to say no, and have their wishes respected. Works both ways. Host family need to brush up on their hosting etiquette.

He's 10. It's all part of growing up and learning to deal with difficult situations.

Whilst he needs to learn that it's unacceptable to slam his glass down to make a point, he is learning to assert himself.

Its up to you OP to teach him reasonable responses to situations.

I think your being secretly impressed by his reaction will have been picked up by him. And you need to address that.

Eyeroll bridge.

You don seems to have no intermediate between being delightful and exploding. He was rude and his slamming was unnecessary. You being proud of his actions is You need to teach you son some social skills and manners. I wouldn't be suprused if they stop inviting him around.

Next time if he's backed into a corner, a firm no thank you and walk away.

What he said was fine. How he said it (shouting) was not. Slamming the glass was DEFINITELY not ok and was dangerous, not least to himself.

He needs help to learn to manage his temper. Part of that is you disciplining him so he knows when he has gone too far.

My mother is always very pushy with her cakes and her tea. My kids would never behave in the way your son has to their own nan, let alone someone elses

Then perhaps it is you that needs to both raise your children better, to be a little more assertive, and stop letting your mother be so pushy with your children.
Fail on both ends, not sure you should be handing out advice to others?

P.S. The gran does sound annoying but life is full of annoying people and going around shouting and slamming won't make that easier for him.

There isn't really any intermidiate between lovely quiet DS which he mostly is and exploding DS.

When I say proud, I DON'T mean of rudeness but I am - I don't know, impressed on some level. People often confuse quietness with passivity, I find.

OP, you're saying he didn't take one because he wasn't hungry and you don't want him to eat when he's not hungry.

That's fair enough. My DS2 is the same. I never ask him to clear his plate because he clearly knows when he's full.

But you'd previously said your DS said he didn't like the sandwich fillings, not that he was full. That's not quite the same thing.