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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to want a baby at age 42?

127 replies

justcurious40 · 12/08/2017 11:55

I just had a miscarriage at 9 weeks along. I am 41 right now, but if we TT another, I will be 42 when he/she is born.

I am starting to doubt myself now. Is it crazy to try at my age? Apart from the odds of it going wrong, I would be 60 when my baby is 18. Is that too old??

I should add that, thankfully, I already have children. So perhaps I should quit while I'm ahead? On the other hand, my youngest was born when I was 38, so I will be 56 when she is 18. What difference does 4 years make??

OP posts:
riverotter · 12/08/2017 12:08

I don't think you are too old.

DontbeaDickaboutit · 12/08/2017 12:11

A good friend just has her first baby at 42, so definitely not too old!

LuLuuuuuuu · 12/08/2017 12:12

No, its not to old OP

When I had my youngest (and last) child , he was born in the January and I turned 40 in the April . Go for it and I am so sorry to hear of your loss .
4 years makes NO difference Flowers

sororitynoise · 12/08/2017 12:12

Not too old at all. I'm very sorry for your loss.

Oliversmumsarmy · 12/08/2017 12:16

Had ds at 41 and friend had one at 46

MaryShelley1818 · 12/08/2017 12:21

Definitely not too old!
I'm 22wks pregnant with my first baby and I'm 39yrs old. Haven't ruled out trying for a sibling in a year or 2!

KC225 · 12/08/2017 12:23

I had twins a week before my 43rd - now they are 10. I don't consider myself too old' tonight we are putting up a tent in the garden and camping out with a few of the neighbours kids. This morning, we have been watching YouTube videos to make s
Fluffy slime. You are not too old, it's fun.

Brahms3rdracket · 12/08/2017 12:27

I had dc3 last year aged 42. She's an absolute joy, my dp and two older dcs are totally besotted with her and everyone helps out. She wasn't exactly planned, but the best surprise we could ever wish for (we always said we'd like three, so left it all to chance). My older two were 8 and 5 when she was born and have been so helpful and involved it's made everything easier than the first two.

I had all via c section and there was absolutely no difference with recovery and coping with nights, breastfeeding etc to doing it in my thirties. Morning sickness was absolutely awful, but I don't think that was a result of my age, just busier and more tired with other dcs to look after.

Go for it if it's something you both want.

Original poster
justcurious40 · 12/08/2017 12:29

Thanks for the replies, everyone. All very encouraging!

Anyone who had children on the wrong side of 40, can I ask you if you had to endure a lot of miscarriages to have them? I am not sure I am strong enough to do this again if it goes wrong. It would be different if I had no children or only one child, as then the risk would certain;y be worth it, but I don't know if it's just signing myself up for more heartache. I admire any of you out there who have gone through several losses to have your families. I had no idea how hard it is! Flowers

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 12/08/2017 12:29

Not too old if you can conceive. Only you and dp can say if it's the right thing for you and your family.

However, it's extremely normal to feel this way after a miscarriage and also very, very common to have the urge for a baby when 'time is running out'. Many of my friends and myself experienced this to some degree or another.

Best wishes to you.

Birdsgottaf1y · 12/08/2017 12:32

Well the miscarriage rate is higher over 40, as are other issues, so there is no guarantee, anyway.

I don't understand the reaction to Mothers smoking, on here, but getting pregnant, older when there are more statistical risks, is fine, tbh.

It's a personal decision weighing up all the pros and cons.

Work out if you really want another one, if you do and it's worth another possible miscarriage etc, then go ahead.

jelliebelly · 12/08/2017 12:37

You're not too old but are you prepared for the emotional trauma of higher chance of miscarriage or indeed bringing up a child with disabilities (the chances of which do increase with age whether we like it if not)

jelliebelly · 12/08/2017 12:38

Or not if

Loopytiles · 12/08/2017 12:39

I am younger but had recurrent miscarriages (now thankfully have Dc) and my consultant highlighted the obvious, much increased risks with age.

Oliversmumsarmy · 12/08/2017 12:40

Was pregnant twice and had 2 children. No miscarriages

Brahms3rdracket · 12/08/2017 12:51

I bled quite a bit in both my previous pregnancies during my 30s but had no problems at all in my last one. Also I ttc for 2 years with my first, from the age of 30, I got pregnant so quickly at 42 with my last I'm still shocked, I think it was the day I stopped taking the pill.

Smellybluecheese · 12/08/2017 12:54

I had my daughter when I was nearly 42. She is a perfectly healthy, very bright & active 2 year old. My 3 closest friends from uni all also started their families over 40. They all have 2 children now. 2 of us had miscarriages (I had 2), the other 2 had no problems whatsoever.

rider1975 · 12/08/2017 12:57

I think it depends on your own view about your age - for some, age is just a number, but for others, it dictates how they should behave. You have kids, so you know the work and energy levels needed.
I'm 42 and pregnant. Suffered miscarriages at 39 and 41. It is what it is but I'm in the right relationship now and with the right support to weather some storms.

hiphopcat · 12/08/2017 13:05

@Justcurious40

Would not be for me at all. The child will still be a junior aged child when you're in your FIFTIES, and would still be a teen when you are about to draw your pension. And would be potentially responsible for an elderly and infirm parent whilst only in their 20's.

'But I know people who are just like little sprightly spring lambs at 90, who run marathons and all sorts' I hear people cry! But this is not the reality for many. Many people find their health declining in their mid 60's to early 70's. Also, statistically, there are more likely to be health problems in a child born to a middle aged mother.

Only you can decide, but trying for a baby in your mid 40's is not something I would sign up for. I think it's incredibly unfair on the child.

You will get a lot of support for older mums on here, 'oh you're just a spring chicken at 42, and still so young.' But you're really not; you are middle aged, and even if it IS possible to conceive naturally, I wouldn't.

Just because you CAN do something, that doesn't mean you should.

'Age is just a number' is apt for many situations, but not when you're planning on having a baby.

nippa · 12/08/2017 13:09

I had my daughter a week before I turned 42. No miscarriages, sailed through pregnancy, all my results came back extremely low risk, and she is great. Two of my close university friends had children around the same time, and about seven of my school friends. It's amazing how many women have children in their 40s. One of my friends had her first at 43 and her second at 45. Best of luck.

eurochick · 12/08/2017 13:10

I think it would be the cut off for me, so not too old but at the limit. I had a baby at 38. I was immediately broody for another, but my husband wasn't up for it. Now I'm 41. Annoyingly, I think he'd go for it, but I feel too old (plus it took us three years to get one pregnancy that stuck, so it is almost certainly too late). I'd probably give it a go for another six months if I could conceive naturally though.

squoosh · 12/08/2017 13:11

Totally unremarkable in my world.

Sorry to hear about your miscarriage. Flowers

sepep · 12/08/2017 13:15

This reply has been deleted

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ElspethFlashman · 12/08/2017 13:23

hiphopcat there is another (slightly morbid) side to it. You are freer at a younger age. I was born to older parents and lost both in my mid thirties.

Of course it was shit, of course it was. But the reality is that now I have no-one to take care of except my kids. Life is a lot simpler in that sense.

Whereas my MIL was still taking care of her Mum at 65! It was horrendous. She just wasn't able as her own hips were going. I don't mind being spared that.

AntiHop · 12/08/2017 13:27

I had my dd at 36. We haven't decided for sure if we want to try for another. If we do, I'll be 41/2 by the time we are in a financial position to try again. Of all the things that would stop me from trying for another, being 42 isn't one of them. It's only a few years older, and won't make that much difference.

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