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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I need to know if I'm being overdramatic before DP gets home from work

137 replies

IbexToDiffer · 11/08/2017 14:03

Done a quick name change for this one but I've been around a long time.

I'll try and keep this short- I need to know if AIBU before I broach this with DP.

So last night, DP gets home from work quite late and we're about to get ready for bed and the topic of whether or not we might have sex came up. (We've lived together for two years now so sometimes we just broach it rather than see if it happens organically IYSWIM) he said would I be offended if not as he's shattered and I said no that's fine as I was really achey from my gym class. I then joked that I'd 'wasted' my 'nice' knickers that evening. You know, just I had slightly more exciting ones one than plain m&s.

So about 20min later, I'm just bending over to get something out of the bedside table. I was wearing a long vest top night dress type thing that came down to my thighs. So not 'on display' exactly. I had my back to DP who was on the bed.

Without warning, DP reached under my dress to touch my knickers and goes 'let's see what knickers you've got on then, I just want to see' and goes to lift up my dress to have a look.

I stood up and told him not to do it. I was really shocked. It felt like a totally unsolicited grope and made me feel horrible. I said something like 'I'm not public property you know' and he said 'I'm not the public!'

That's almost worse. I'm not just there to be groped and looked at whenever he wants either.

Anyway, I got into bed, we turned the lights out and went (eventually for me) to sleep. But I was upset he didn't apologise, or seem to think he'd put a foot wrong. He left in a rush this morning and I kind I've been frosty in my communication with him all day but it's not something I want to deal with over text.

I don't know what to think as it's not something he's done before. He's normally so lovely. Also, I have had an occurance of sexual abuse in my (adult) past so I don't know if that makes me sensitive to 'surprise' touching where someone else may not have been. DP knows very sketchy details of this btw but not the full story.

Im not looking LTB over this but would really like some advice on whether AIBU and if not how to deal with it. He's not great at being told he's done something 'wrong' and will likely shut down into a bit of a quiet defence mode but I'm not sure I can let this go without bringing it up.

Thanks

OP posts:
ivenoideawhatimdoing · 11/08/2017 14:08

He should definitely have apologised and especially considering your past it was a really stupid thing to do.

Tell him directly how you feel and let him no in no certain terms not just to 'grab' you and if he misjudges a situation next time - SAY SORRY!

ImLizawithaZ · 11/08/2017 14:08

I would have said that you overreacted until you mentioned you have had an occurrence of SA in adulthood so your reaction was understandable as that experience would make you more sensitive to such things Flowers

MyheartbelongstoG · 11/08/2017 14:09

Overdramatic.

UrethaFranklin · 11/08/2017 14:10

I think YABU and over dramatic to be honest although I think you probably are more sensitive than someone else would be due to your past.

Scrumptiousbears · 11/08/2017 14:10

I'm going with over dramatic.

Crowdo · 11/08/2017 14:12

I think you overreacted.

AndNowItIsSeven · 11/08/2017 14:12

Due to the previous abuse it's understandable you were upset. However your dp did nothing wrong. Have you had counselling in the past.

Original poster
IbexToDiffer · 11/08/2017 14:12

See, this is what I'm conflicted over.

My last night be clouding it but it 'triggers' lots of horrible feelings when I'm touched without warning, especially near certain parts of my body.

Not DP's fault though obviously.

OP posts:
WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 11/08/2017 14:12

In someone with no history of abuse, it would be an overreaction, yes. However, your case is different due to this so I can understand why you reacted the way you did.

For him, though, I can see why he wouldn't think it was a problem. Because it's not a problem, unless there's a history of abuse, in which case here there is.

mumeeee · 11/08/2017 14:12

I would say you are being overdramatic

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 11/08/2017 14:12

I too think you're being overdramatic, sorry.

Original poster
IbexToDiffer · 11/08/2017 14:13

*My past might be clouding it that should say.

OP posts:
AmyGardner · 11/08/2017 14:13

If that happened to me I'd either assume he had changed his mind and was trying to playfully initiate sex, or I'd have laughed it off with an 'oi!'

I'm not going to say you were over-dramatic due to your past experience, I just wanted to show you what someone else's reaction might have been.

MyheartbelongstoG · 11/08/2017 14:15

Does he have to ask your permission or give a warning before he touches you?

Steeley113 · 11/08/2017 14:15

Over dramatic. Sounds like he was just playing.

Original poster
IbexToDiffer · 11/08/2017 14:16

No of course he doesn't need to warn/give permission exactly. As in obviously if we are being intimate I expect him to touch me. I didn't expect or see the touch coming, that was all.

OP posts:
fairypuff · 11/08/2017 14:17

It's an over-reaction but an understandable one given your history. However your DP won't understand what he's done wrong if he doesn't know your history. I'm sure he will be mortified to have upset you once he knows why you're upset. Just sit him down and explain it to him.

PollyFlint · 11/08/2017 14:18

Obviously only you know what you are/aren't comfortable with, but what he did just sounds like normal, playful stuff to me. You'd mentioned your knickers so he jokingly said 'Let's have a look'. You were in the bedroom and it was in private and you'd been discussing sex and joking about knickers, so I don't think he did anything that isn't normally OK for a couple. I think most couples touch each other spontaneously - I'm not saying that it's fine for anyone to make a habit of groping their spouse in a way they don't like, of course, and if you've said that you don't like something he shouldn't do it again, but I don't think he could have predicted that you'd be upset. You aren't wrong for not liking what he did - we all have things we do and don't like and your background with abuse obviously means you may have particular, valid concerns - but I don't think the fact that he jokingly wanted to look at your knickers is something you need to worry about provided he understands that he mustn't do it again.

You mentioned that he only knows very sketchy details of the abuse you suffered, so perhaps he simply didn't think this would be something that might trigger memories for you. I'm sure he'd be mortified if he actually realised why you were so bothered by it.

In general, are you OK with him touching you spontaneously? For example, if he said 'You look great in those jeans?' and put his hand on your bum, is that the sort of thing that would bother you too? Because I would put this in the same category, and maybe he does too. Fine to explain to him that you're not keen, though.

Batoutahell · 11/08/2017 14:18

I would say over dramatic as that would be welcome in our relationship, but I think you needed to tell him clearly that you don't like that kind of interaction and that it upset you so it doesn't happen again.

These things need to be communicated.

QuiteLikely5 · 11/08/2017 14:19

I think you are projecting onto him. Understandably so but still.

You planted the seed and he went digging.

Don't make issues where there aren't any.

Best to sort your own self out as totes inappropriate to suggest he is sexually inappropriate owing to your own past, which although terrible has nothing to do with him.

OutToGetYou · 11/08/2017 14:19

I have a history of child abuse and I cannot STAND being groped like that. I particularly hate being 'touched up' (and hate the expression) from behind if I am doing something like washing up or other non-sexual activity.

I also get nervous if men walk up the stairs behind me (but not down), due to some of the things my father used to do.

I would probably have reacted as you did. But I would know that this was my issue really. I would say "I'm sorry, I overreacted, but I cannot cope with that sort of thing so I'm going to have to ask you not to do it in future". I'd have to let him know somehow that I couldn't tolerate it.

ButchyRestingFace · 11/08/2017 14:19

I thought overdramatic and then you mentioned past trauma, which gives the situation context.

However, he now knows you don't like it and only an utter fanny would try it again after this.

SnipSnipMrBurgess · 11/08/2017 14:19

I would have said over reaction on your part till you said about the sexual abuse. Having said that, he doesn't know the full story about it so explain to him that this is a no for you .

He sees he did nothing wrong as it was in the context of the conversation you had. My dp would have probably done similar. If I wasn't in the form I'd have laughed and told him no. If he persisted, I would have had an issue with that.

Hope you are ok

MyheartbelongstoG · 11/08/2017 14:20

You said a moment ago you get horrible feelings when touched without warning so maybe just have a chat with him when he comes home about touching you without warning.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 11/08/2017 14:20

Obviously your past is clouding your judgement & by the sounds of it your relationship.

This would be normal behaviour for my marriage & I'd have either laughed & had sex or told him to playfully sod off-we Don't tend to discuss sex beforehand though so I'm used to being touched unexpectedly, we have been together a loooooong time though.