I need to know if I'm being overdramatic before DP gets home from work

[IbexToDiffer]

Done a quick name change for this one but I've been around a long time.

I'll try and keep this short- I need to know if AIBU before I broach this with DP.

So last night, DP gets home from work quite late and we're about to get ready for bed and the topic of whether or not we might have sex came up. (We've lived together for two years now so sometimes we just broach it rather than see if it happens organically IYSWIM) he said would I be offended if not as he's shattered and I said no that's fine as I was really achey from my gym class. I then joked that I'd 'wasted' my 'nice' knickers that evening. You know, just I had slightly more exciting ones one than plain m&s.

So about 20min later, I'm just bending over to get something out of the bedside table. I was wearing a long vest top night dress type thing that came down to my thighs. So not 'on display' exactly. I had my back to DP who was on the bed.

Without warning, DP reached under my dress to touch my knickers and goes 'let's see what knickers you've got on then, I just want to see' and goes to lift up my dress to have a look.

I stood up and told him not to do it. I was really shocked. It felt like a totally unsolicited grope and made me feel horrible. I said something like 'I'm not public property you know' and he said 'I'm not the public!'

That's almost worse. I'm not just there to be groped and looked at whenever he wants either.

Anyway, I got into bed, we turned the lights out and went (eventually for me) to sleep. But I was upset he didn't apologise, or seem to think he'd put a foot wrong. He left in a rush this morning and I kind I've been frosty in my communication with him all day but it's not something I want to deal with over text.

I don't know what to think as it's not something he's done before. He's normally so lovely. Also, I have had an occurance of sexual abuse in my (adult) past so I don't know if that makes me sensitive to 'surprise' touching where someone else may not have been. DP knows very sketchy details of this btw but not the full story.

Im not looking LTB over this but would really like some advice on whether AIBU and if not how to deal with it. He's not great at being told he's done something 'wrong' and will likely shut down into a bit of a quiet defence mode but I'm not sure I can let this go without bringing it up.

Thanks

You are not over sensitive.

I think given your history you may need to explain kindly to your DP that you don't like it when he does that, and be really clear on what is acceptable and what isn't.

On the face of it and without any history of abuse, it seems like a playful thing that many people might find funny (it would make me laugh) and so your reaction would seem over the top. But because you are sensitive to this, the surprise element seems to be what you are objecting to, for very valid reasons.

OP there is no need for you to justify your boundaries to your DP, still less to do so by disclosing details of abuse you have suffered. You should only talk about it if it will be helpful for you.

Explain to him clearly what sort of touching makes you feel uncomfortable or distressed. If he's a decent human being he'll stop doing it, no questions asked.

I don't think you're being overdramatic given your past. I think its helpful to be able to communicate how you feel about this kind of contact in a non-hostile way early on. Set bounderies from the start of the relationship, it's then clear who's acting out of order!

I think it's a little over dramatic. It sounds pretty harmless to me. He was just looking at your knickers, he's your husband!

He is not my husband, he's my DP. I don't think you've read things properly. supermoon.

He was just looking at your knickers, he's your husband!

Blimey. I didn't realise being a husband entitled you to unfettered access to underwear.

I'm glad I don't have one

Did you read the OP?

Sorry but over reaction

Sbanner827
but shouldn't any partner care enough to apologise if they've accidentally crossed a boundary? I honestly don't think it matters if the offending party believes that the boundary is valid - a loving partner should respect "no" and apologise full stop.
The OP said "I'm not public property"... I find the response "I'm not the public" to have overtures of entitlement, just because she's his partner does not mean she doesn't get to say " no that's not on" reason irrelevant. IMHO

you overreacted - he was being playful

Sorry dp, but does it really make much difference if you live with him? it sounds like he was trying to make sexual overtures towards you rather than being invasive and sexual aggressive. There is another thread on here about the same kind of thing. In that case the 'dp'/'dh' really did cross a line, I personally think what you describe sounds relatively harmless. But it has upset you enough to post on mumsnet about it, so you should have a frank and honest discussion with him about it.

charles- thank you! I wasn't being unkind at all.

Op, you don't need to tell him exactly what happened to you if your not ready. Just telling him you don't want to be touched like that again without warning.

Enjoy your g&t later and all the very best to you

To me it sounds like you playfully said that you had nice knickers on and he later playfully did a grab. I understand that you are upset with your background but it sounds really like he was just making normal fun. To me this would be normal. I'd let it go.

I think that some are being insensitive because it can be construed as typical fun in a lot of relationships. My DH is quite "groppy" but I don't mind, unless I am just about to dish up tea, but I have had to tell him that timing is everything if he wants a favorable response and we have been married a long time now so know each others boundaries.

I think the telling thing is that it is still upsetting you now so you have to really resolve this for both of you if you want to move forward in the relationship. You say he knows a little about it but I think whilst he doesn't need to know the details he does need to know how it makes you feel and what you think your triggers are. Also sorry if I have missed this but - how did he act after? This is usually telling - did he sulk and drag it out this morning or was he ok and accepted it but it keeps replaying in your head?

Absolutely sisterofmercy, what the DP actually did is rather irrelevant, the point is, whether he knew it or not, he didn't have consent for it.

OP obviously needs to take responsibility for making sure she has clearly explained what he does and doesn't have consent for, but once she's done that it's his job to respect her boundaries, no matter whether they're the same as everyone else's like there's any consensus anyway or not.

Chatting about it openly - as in how it makes you feel when you're not expecting to be touched - isn't going overboard or overreacting at all. You have every right to define your own boundaries within relationships and other people's opinions of your behaviour or reactions aren't important at all.

As an aside, I had some private therapy in my early twenties and it helped process things into some semblance of order. NHS therapy is fairly hit and miss I find.

At the end of the day you feel how you feel. Him being your husband/partner/boyfriend/friend/random doesn't make any difference. If someone makes you uncomfortable and you inform them the first thing they should do is apologise regardless on if they would like it if you did the same to them.

Just because some, or even most, people would be okay with it doesn't mean it's overdramatic or 'wrong' for someone to not be. Regardless of SA. If that's what has changed your feelings on being touched then fair enough, but I wouldn't like it. I'm not a toy for my DP. If he would like to touch me or look at my underwear I would like a chance to say no rather than him grab at me.
It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me, I just don't like to be touched unexpectedly.

If it's a first then it probably wasn't meant in any way to offend you. But YANBU. My exH was a serial groper and I hated it. Grabbing me at the least appropriate time, coming up behind me if I bent over do everyday thing like getting something out of the cupboard. It is a real turn-off and you should tell him how you feel. As long as he's not a narcissist and psychopath like my ex then he should acknowledge it wasn't acceptable and adjust his behaviour in future.

I wouldn't say that you have over reacted to be honest, more because you have mentioned your history. I equally don't think your DP was in the wrong. The comment you made about the knickers obviously stuck with him and then as you have been going about your night time routine he has been still thinking about it whereas you have moved on thinking about other things. He obviously didnt mean to disrespect you as it sounds like he is normally careful around body language, think it may have been a case of his man pride being hurt when you didnt respond to him trying to be, what he considered, playful.

It's really hard to tell anyone else if they're being over sensitive or over dramatic, because both of those things have such a personal factor.

I think it's a shame that you've had a failed attempt at counselling OP as the right kind of therapist could probably help you a lot. In the absence of that, try to separate your DP's intentions within your loving relationship, from the abuse you've suffered in the past.

Hopefully you will be able to talk to him for him to realize that what some would consider a bit of banter, is not the case for you and he does need to be aware, considerate and hopefully apologize for your upset.

If you would be quite comfortable walking around the bedroom in just your bra and pants, use that to explain to him that it's the surprise element that disturbed you and not the intimacy between you.

Does your DP know about your past? It would help him to understand why you reacted the way you did.

I also went through SA, in my case as a child, and I would have reacted the same as you. My DH knows this and therefore doesn't touch me unexpectedly.

I think your DP would be understanding and it would avoid this happening in the future.

You did not overreact and I am stunned at the number of apologists for this behaviour which, while it might be playful within the confines of their own relationships, has had an extremely triggering effect for the OP. People who have suffered trauma cannot always help how they react to triggering events, and it takes time, gentle patient love, and often a fair bit of therapy to be able to displace the automatic kneejerk reaction to certain behaviour. Sometimes the victim never gets over that kneejerk reaction to certain forms of touch, and it really become as basic as the fact that you trust the people you love not to grope you from behind, when they know you have a problem with that.

Op, what this has highlighted however is that your DP doesn't seem to get the full extent of your issue. Whether this is because you haven't discussed it enough, or he hasn't listened, will perhaps determine how you decide to tackle this.

Either way, you need some gentle loving care, and lots of talking about your expectations and boundaries and lots of listening on both sides. You needn't talk about the abuse itself- but you have to be very very clear about what it on, and what's not. And your DP has to accept that sometimes he will need to adopt the mantra 'if in doubt, DON'T!'

You didn't like it and I can understand why, given your past. However, I would consider what he did very normal in a relationship and I think you owe him an explanation as to why it upset you, even if it's only a vague one. He should then be more considerate in future, but you can't expect him to have known this would've upset you if he doesn't know.

Hi op,
I understand that you are not ready to tell DP, or anyone else for that matter, exactly what happened to you. However I do think you need to find some way of explaining to him what makes you feel uncomfortable.
If saying things to him face to face is too difficult for you, could you perhaps write him a letter? Maybe if you didn't even give him the letter, it might help to sort out some things in your head so that you know what you are comfortable with him knowing at this point? Snd then try to have a relaxed conversayion over your g&the.

I understand that him approaching you from behind when you're doing something isn't something you can cope with. Did you discuss anything with him after this incident or has he just not done this since because you froze?
Maybe think about the things he does that you do feel comfortable with (taking hold of your hand while your sitting on the sofa / stroking your hair / cuddling up to you in bed). I think it's important that he knows what you like as well as what upsets you, as otherwise he might become too scared to be affectionate without prior discussion.

I think it would be very beneficial for you if you could get some counselling too. If you found a counsellor that specialised in sexual abuse I'd imagine that they would find a way to ease you in to dealing with things. No good counsellor is going to make you tell them the whole story in the first session. They might start off talking about your current relationship?

Wishing you luck for this evening op x

I'm staggered that so many people feel they can say this is an overreaction. It is your reaction and totally valid.