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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I need to know if I'm being overdramatic before DP gets home from work

137 replies

IbexToDiffer · 11/08/2017 14:03

Done a quick name change for this one but I've been around a long time.

I'll try and keep this short- I need to know if AIBU before I broach this with DP.

So last night, DP gets home from work quite late and we're about to get ready for bed and the topic of whether or not we might have sex came up. (We've lived together for two years now so sometimes we just broach it rather than see if it happens organically IYSWIM) he said would I be offended if not as he's shattered and I said no that's fine as I was really achey from my gym class. I then joked that I'd 'wasted' my 'nice' knickers that evening. You know, just I had slightly more exciting ones one than plain m&s.

So about 20min later, I'm just bending over to get something out of the bedside table. I was wearing a long vest top night dress type thing that came down to my thighs. So not 'on display' exactly. I had my back to DP who was on the bed.

Without warning, DP reached under my dress to touch my knickers and goes 'let's see what knickers you've got on then, I just want to see' and goes to lift up my dress to have a look.

I stood up and told him not to do it. I was really shocked. It felt like a totally unsolicited grope and made me feel horrible. I said something like 'I'm not public property you know' and he said 'I'm not the public!'

That's almost worse. I'm not just there to be groped and looked at whenever he wants either.

Anyway, I got into bed, we turned the lights out and went (eventually for me) to sleep. But I was upset he didn't apologise, or seem to think he'd put a foot wrong. He left in a rush this morning and I kind I've been frosty in my communication with him all day but it's not something I want to deal with over text.

I don't know what to think as it's not something he's done before. He's normally so lovely. Also, I have had an occurance of sexual abuse in my (adult) past so I don't know if that makes me sensitive to 'surprise' touching where someone else may not have been. DP knows very sketchy details of this btw but not the full story.

Im not looking LTB over this but would really like some advice on whether AIBU and if not how to deal with it. He's not great at being told he's done something 'wrong' and will likely shut down into a bit of a quiet defence mode but I'm not sure I can let this go without bringing it up.

Thanks

OP posts:
DearMrDilkington · 11/08/2017 14:21

I think you were over dramatic but I've been sexually assulted before and it makes me overreact with certain things too.

I'd have a chat with him when he gets home and explain why you felt the way you did. If his a good bloke then he should understand and say sorry for making you feel that way.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/08/2017 14:21

I think you are being a bit over-sensitive but I can see why.
HOwever, it's unlikely that your DP can see why without you being plain with him and explaining, so please sit him down and, without any accusatory tone, just explain why that made you uncomfortable and ask him to not do it again when you can't see him doing it.

Sorry you had that experience.

OutToGetYou · 11/08/2017 14:21

MyheartbelongstoG - what an unkind comment.

Areyoufree · 11/08/2017 14:21

I think it's hard to say that you overreacted - how you feel is how you feel. But, just as a comparison, if my husband did that, I wouldn't think twice about it. So, although your feelings are perfectly justified, I don't think he actually did anything wrong.

RestingBitchFaced · 11/08/2017 14:22

I don't think it matters if anyone on here think your over-reacting or not. The fact is YOU were upset by it, and this is probably due to your past. I would explain kindly to your DH about why it upset you, though I don't think he did anything wrong to be honest

lalaloopyhead · 11/08/2017 14:22

All other information aside it does seem a bit overdramatic. If something like this occurred between me and DH I would just think he was just messing around.

If I were you I would explain to your DP how it made you feel (I assume he knows what happened to you?) and then if he is a decent person he will apologise anyway and be more mindful of how he touches you in the future.

If there are other instances of him making you feel uncomfortable then that is possibly another issue and him not respecting your boundaries.

Beachbaby2017 · 11/08/2017 14:22

I wouldn't like that. As this thread suggests, it seems to be a matter of preference, so what is important is communicating your preferences to your DP and that he respects them.

PollyFlint · 11/08/2017 14:22

No of course he doesn't need to warn/give permission exactly. As in obviously if we are being intimate I expect him to touch me

The thing is, he probably just sees it as playful/affectionate. In most relationships there is a bit of touching that doesn't lead to intimacy.

I think you just need to sit down and explain to him why you were startled. I'm sure he wouldn't want to upset you.

The important thing is that he did stop as soon as you said no.

NotPennysBoat815 · 11/08/2017 14:22

OP I was SA when I was a teenager. I know exactly how you feel. When I get intimate with my husband it can never be spontaneous. It always needs to be a discussion of what we are going to do. I hate surprises and it would make me very uncomfortable.

Sistersofmercy101 · 11/08/2017 14:23

Regardless of differing boundaries, if someone makes it clear that you have crossed their personal line and made them uncomfortable - HE SHOULD APOLOGISE IMMEDIATELY! Anything else is disrespectful and sets a precedent for entitled behaviour on his part regarding unwanted touching and attention. You are NOT being unreasonable, he needs to be clear on what respectful behaviour both physically and verbally and emotionally means! YANBU imho.

Original poster
IbexToDiffer · 11/08/2017 14:24

I honestly think that just like OutToGetYou it's 'out of context' sexual touching that makes me react.

He knows not to ever, ever come up behind me in the kitchen for example. Like if I'm just chopping or whatever and don't know he's there. He did it once and pressed into me and Christ, I thought I'd never unfreeze.

Yes I do know it's my 'issue' but it's incredibly hard to shake off.

OP posts:
deadringer · 11/08/2017 14:25

I think you were being a bit over dramatic, sorry, though it's understandable considering your past issues. If my dh said he was wearing his good boxers (silk ones he wears sometimes if he thinks he might get lucky) I would think nothing of reaching under his shirt and having a look or a feel, I would probably say something like, 'lets see these fancy pants then'. I would also think nothing of it if he did same to me. I wouldn't consider it groping and I would probably be a bit offended if he accused me of it. If your dp knows that you don't like to be touched unexpectedly maybe he should apologise though, I think you need to talk to him about it, to clear the air if nothing else.

MyheartbelongstoG · 11/08/2017 14:25

Outtoget-what was unkind?

Cring · 11/08/2017 14:27

I would have said you had overreacted until you explained about your past. The hing is regardless of what everyone else's boundaries are it's up to you to decide what you are comfortable with and if that upset you you need to talk to him so he doesn't do it again.

HipsterHunter · 11/08/2017 14:28

Overreacted for normal people.

But abuse isn't 'normal' so you are not U to have a big reaction to this. Talk it through.

wrenika · 11/08/2017 14:29

I'd chat to him about it.
I think ordinarily, your reaction was OTT, but taken your circumstances into consideration makes it different. But if he doesn't know that, then he didn't stand a chance. Talk. Relationships need talk. He made a mistake, so let him know why it was a mistake, and give him the opportunity to never do it again.
My DP goes for a 'grope' in private...as do I to him. He once groped my arse in public when we were getting stuff out the car - uncharacteristic for him, as he's usually a gentleman - and I told him in no uncertain terms that he was never to do that again. He apologised profusely and has never done it again. Still got no idea what got into him that day. 10 years and he's only done it once...must have been feeling his oats. He accepted his mistake and never repeated it.

NicolasFlamel · 11/08/2017 14:30

I think you over reacted but I can also see why given your past experience.
If it had been my DP I probably would have lightheartedly said "Oi you said not tonight, you've lost your chance!"
I think you should sit down and talk to him, try not to be accusatory but do get your feelings across. It sounds like he needs reminding of your boundaries and what your comfort zone is.

Floralnomad · 11/08/2017 14:30

It is an over reaction sorry . Have you had counselling about your previous issues as they seem to be affecting your current relationship . He stopped which is fine but it must be like living on eggshells not knowing what is acceptable as both the instances you describe ( last night and the kitchen) are both perfectly normal interactions in a relationship where you are intimate with someone.

Ameliablue · 11/08/2017 14:30

I don't think he did anything wrong, spontaneity is a normal part of being in an intimate relationship with someone. It sounds as if your experiences have made this more difficult for you to be comfortable with but it also sounds as if he doesn't know or understand the full implications of your situation, so I think you should talk with him but not from the angle of him being in the wrong but tell him how you feel and what you need from him.

mummmy2017 · 11/08/2017 14:30

I think he misunderstood you, and nothing was done on purpose.
You mentioned sexy knickers and in his mind he thought you were flirting with him. Please forgive him, and next time he shocks you tell him there and then so it can be dealt with and you don't both have to spend a night with uncertainty,

ToothTrauma · 11/08/2017 14:30

You are overreacting, but for totally understandable reasons Flowers Just have a good chat with him tonight and if he isn't totally mortified and apologetic then you'll be right to feel pissed off with him.

MyheartbelongstoG · 11/08/2017 14:31

A very real issue for you though op.

SweetieDarling11 · 11/08/2017 14:31

It sounds playful to me but only you would know if he has form for invading your personal space to the extent you feel threatened. If he's usually respectful I would put it down to playfulness. Either way I would calmly explain that it made you feel uncomfortable, and maybe consider sharing more if your past experience with him so he knows where you are coming from.

OutToGetYou · 11/08/2017 14:31

IbexToDiffer - I know exactly that and my now-ex refused to get his head round it until I became paranoid when he was there and I was accused of 'avoiding intimacy'. But I got tense if he came up behind me wondering which part of me he was about to grab or grope at. I had to change my behaviour because he was incapable of changing his.

(I left)

MyheartbelongstoG - your comment, as I said. Have some bloody compassion, rather than sniping to try to look clever.

BewareOfDragons · 11/08/2017 14:32

Overdramatic. He doesn't appear to know enough about 'why' it would bother you, so I think you are being overdramatic. Talk to him if it bothers you, quietly, so it doesn't happen again. But I think you need to forgive him without him actually needing to apologize as I don't actually think he did anything wrong under the described circumstances.