I need to know if I'm being overdramatic before DP gets home from work

[IbexToDiffer]

Done a quick name change for this one but I've been around a long time.

I'll try and keep this short- I need to know if AIBU before I broach this with DP.

So last night, DP gets home from work quite late and we're about to get ready for bed and the topic of whether or not we might have sex came up. (We've lived together for two years now so sometimes we just broach it rather than see if it happens organically IYSWIM) he said would I be offended if not as he's shattered and I said no that's fine as I was really achey from my gym class. I then joked that I'd 'wasted' my 'nice' knickers that evening. You know, just I had slightly more exciting ones one than plain m&s.

So about 20min later, I'm just bending over to get something out of the bedside table. I was wearing a long vest top night dress type thing that came down to my thighs. So not 'on display' exactly. I had my back to DP who was on the bed.

Without warning, DP reached under my dress to touch my knickers and goes 'let's see what knickers you've got on then, I just want to see' and goes to lift up my dress to have a look.

I stood up and told him not to do it. I was really shocked. It felt like a totally unsolicited grope and made me feel horrible. I said something like 'I'm not public property you know' and he said 'I'm not the public!'

That's almost worse. I'm not just there to be groped and looked at whenever he wants either.

Anyway, I got into bed, we turned the lights out and went (eventually for me) to sleep. But I was upset he didn't apologise, or seem to think he'd put a foot wrong. He left in a rush this morning and I kind I've been frosty in my communication with him all day but it's not something I want to deal with over text.

I don't know what to think as it's not something he's done before. He's normally so lovely. Also, I have had an occurance of sexual abuse in my (adult) past so I don't know if that makes me sensitive to 'surprise' touching where someone else may not have been. DP knows very sketchy details of this btw but not the full story.

Im not looking LTB over this but would really like some advice on whether AIBU and if not how to deal with it. He's not great at being told he's done something 'wrong' and will likely shut down into a bit of a quiet defence mode but I'm not sure I can let this go without bringing it up.

Thanks

I think it's a pretty harmless thing for a partner to do given that you'd already said it was a waste of decent knickers, but i also understand why you're feeling upset. I think you need to sit down together and just explain why you reacted the way you did. There is no shame in sharing what happened to you, and you need to if you're going to expect him to understand you.

I also think you are overreacting, but it is understandable with your past experiences. I suggest having a chat with him tonight that it made you uncomfortable because of your experiences, rather than getting into a big fight about it.

You were OTT and dramatic.

Understandably but you were, never the less.

You are being understandably over dramatic. I've had the same reaction to my DH before (together 10 years) and I'm certain it's attributed to things that have happened in my past. I've explained my reasons for my reaction to him and he was understanding and doesn't do certain things now as he knows it makes me feel uncomfortable but also knows he's not done anything wrong. Have you had counselling op?

Sounds playful to me.
You mentioned nice underwear.
He's then gone for a playful look.

I think you've overreacted.

Obviously you have your reasons and they're worth talking about but I would say for most people playful and affectionate contact is what keeps the intimacy and enjoyment in relationships. He's not behaves out of the ordinary.

Personally I would let this one go and the next time (if he hasn't learned by your chat about not being public property) then I'd deal with it then and there and have the chat at the time of it happening so that he doesn't just feel like he is being nagged. Its understandable how you feel and even if you hadn't been through what you have its not ok to grope.

I haven't had any counselling no. I did try....but I didn't feel comfortable enough with the counsellor to bring it up and it was NHS self referred and the sessions were a bit all over the place, rearranged at the last minute etc, so I gave up on them.

Over dramatic I think. You had hinted at sex and the thing with the knickers. It shows he desires you. However if he knows this is normally the kind of thing that upsets you he should have said sorry. My partner always slaps my bum and stuff like that and me him. I think it's normal.

OP you weren't being overdramatic. Your boundaries have been crossed and your reaction in that context is perfectly reasonable. Its also nobody else's business to tell you where your boundaries 'ought' to be.

Having said that, the only way your DP's behaviour would be problematic in itself would be if he knew he was crossing your boundaries when he did it. If not, talk him through it so he knows next time.

There was a twenty min interval between the kickers comment I made and the touching though with teeth cleaning/other non sexy things going on in between though. It didn't follow straight on.

You drew attention to your pants so of course he is going to want to have a look. The SA is irrelevant. Your body is your body and no one is allowed to touch you without permission but a partner is different. He clearly thought you'd be fine but the minute he knew you weren't he should have apologised. A partner isn't going to ask very time, can I hold your hand, kiss you etc.

I recommend EMDR for the trauma of the abuse.

Oh, stop with the overdramatic crap. The op has a right to be upset at him touching her like that. Just because he thinks it's playful, doesn't mean she has to laugh along. It's her body and she has a right to her reactions. Ffs, is it any wonder women don't report abuse, when they're told their feelings are overdramatic, and NO I'm not saying she was abused.

Speak to him, OP, and explain you don't like being touched without him communicating with you first. I don't mean he has to ask for permission, before I'm accused of that, but just that he can't grab you in an intimate way, by surprise, as you find it uncomfortable. He probably hasn't apologised, because he doesn't realise how it has affected you.

You weren't being over dramatic not at all. If it's a trigger for you then it is.

Definitely reconsider the counselling it will help you in the long run.

Your DP wasn't being out of order either to be fair he was just responding to an earlier comment you'd made and didn't connect the coming up behind you in the kitchen to having the same effect in that situation

Hmmm, this is a tough one. The first thing I want to say is that however you reacted is however you reacted and that perhaps the question "Is this the right way to react?" isn't a useful one. Your partner objectified you, and it made you feel upset and used. Whether that is because of things that have happened, or just the way you are, those are your limits and boundaries and you are entitled to them.

For other couples, this will be completely normal, non-concerning behaviour BUT that is their business, their rules, their boundaries. It is different for each couple. You make your own rules for this stuff, depending on how you feel about things. I don't therefore think that other people's experience is really that relevant here.

The problem here is communication. You clearly have certain issues with being touched which is understandable. However you also say you don't expect him to ask permission in some situations. So he got it a bit wrong and lifted your dress without permission.

You also say he doesn't actually know what happened to you in the past so of course he's confused. One thing is utterly clear, he meant you no harm and got it wrong this time.

You need to talk and explain very clearly what you can and Cannot tolerate and think about having safe words for consent/ checking. And consider some therapy as you sound traumatised which is now affecting your relationship.

He's not great at being told he's done something 'wrong' and will likely shut down into a bit of a quiet defence mode but I'm not sure I can let this go without bringing it up.

You should be able to bring anything up without worrying he will shut down. This is not found that you are even considering letting this go for fear of him getting defensive/shutting down.

I think you need to explain what your particular boundaries are (you don't have to give reasons) and hopefully he will respect them. If he doesn't, obviously you've got a big problem.

YANBU to be upset by being touched inappropriately by anyone, partner or not!

Because you mentioned your 'nice' knickers the chances are your DP started thinking about them, he started getting interested and was intrigued; maybe also thinking that because you'd mentioned them you might have also been open to something more, a natural progression. He took it to the next step - trying to see them. Not necessarily a problem in a loving relationship, but a problem arises because of your past abuse.

What matters now is how both you and he deal with the problem. As long as it is done in a sensitive, loving, considerate way there shouldn't be a problem. Maybe explain that you still have no problem with intimacy but that sudden, intimate touching is not something you like. You can go into as much detail about why as you want, but it might help your DP to understand better if you can explain some of the reason. Even if his approach changes eg. if a similar situation arises maybe he could say something like "So would you mind showing me those nice knickers of yours then?", (or appropriate sentence in his usual way of speaking) rather than trying to see them himself. This also gives you the option of whether to show him or not, rather than him just taking a peek. A small change in how things are done\said can make a big difference in relationships.

It's an over-reaction but an understandable over-reaction based on your past experiences

He would have no reason to know that he should apologise - so you shouldn't really expect it.

Your reaction isn't something you should blame yourself for either.

Perhaps - for future encounters- it might be good too really talk about the SA or at least more about the way it makes you react (even to someone you love). It isn't easy for someone who hasn't suffered this to understand intuitively.

If it is getting in your way, this might be the time to address the effects of the abuse. It isn't always something you can just ignore - or deal with alone.

Yes this is an over reaction in a normal relationship. However if you have been a victim of abuse then it's understandable. But you need to tell him he is not allowed to touch you "out of context ". He hasn't done anything wrong, he simply acted naturally

I think you need to explain to him the issues you are struggling with, the abuse and what is and isn't permitted, and for both your sakes, then seek some form of help to be able to enable you to deal with it and move forward.

I don't think you were being overdramatic.

It's your body completely. If you don't want somebody to randomly touch you, no matter who it is, you have complete autonomy over yourself and he should learn that no means no, even if it's a "silly" no in his eyes.

I don't see this as he objectifiednher at all and if the OP didn't either it isn't helpful to add victim status where it isn't felt.

She should have explained why she was upset. He should have apologised.

She's been assaulted by someone else. He doesn't know all about it so doesn't know what may be a problem for her. I think that's unfair to him.

The OP was not being "over dramatic" given her past experiences! She said he knows not to come up to her in the kitchen, from behind, so he should not have done what he did! He obviously wasn't being malicious but he needs to listen to you OP.

You need to have a really calm chat tonight. He needs to understand what he did is triggering for you.

I'm slightly concerned that people seem to be giving OP 'permission' to have well-defined boundaries on the basis of her trauma history.

Any woman, with or without a trauma history, is allowed to have an opinion about how she does and doesn't want to be touched.

For the record, I'm not sure I'd be very pleased about being suddenly groped with no lead-in while I was brushing my teeth. That doesn't mean my relationship isn't 'normal' ffs.

OP

I can see why you are upset with past abuse issues but I don't really think he meant any harm, you are being a bit dramatic but I understand why.