I need to know if I'm being overdramatic before DP gets home from work

[IbexToDiffer]

Done a quick name change for this one but I've been around a long time.

I'll try and keep this short- I need to know if AIBU before I broach this with DP.

So last night, DP gets home from work quite late and we're about to get ready for bed and the topic of whether or not we might have sex came up. (We've lived together for two years now so sometimes we just broach it rather than see if it happens organically IYSWIM) he said would I be offended if not as he's shattered and I said no that's fine as I was really achey from my gym class. I then joked that I'd 'wasted' my 'nice' knickers that evening. You know, just I had slightly more exciting ones one than plain m&s.

So about 20min later, I'm just bending over to get something out of the bedside table. I was wearing a long vest top night dress type thing that came down to my thighs. So not 'on display' exactly. I had my back to DP who was on the bed.

Without warning, DP reached under my dress to touch my knickers and goes 'let's see what knickers you've got on then, I just want to see' and goes to lift up my dress to have a look.

I stood up and told him not to do it. I was really shocked. It felt like a totally unsolicited grope and made me feel horrible. I said something like 'I'm not public property you know' and he said 'I'm not the public!'

That's almost worse. I'm not just there to be groped and looked at whenever he wants either.

Anyway, I got into bed, we turned the lights out and went (eventually for me) to sleep. But I was upset he didn't apologise, or seem to think he'd put a foot wrong. He left in a rush this morning and I kind I've been frosty in my communication with him all day but it's not something I want to deal with over text.

I don't know what to think as it's not something he's done before. He's normally so lovely. Also, I have had an occurance of sexual abuse in my (adult) past so I don't know if that makes me sensitive to 'surprise' touching where someone else may not have been. DP knows very sketchy details of this btw but not the full story.

Im not looking LTB over this but would really like some advice on whether AIBU and if not how to deal with it. He's not great at being told he's done something 'wrong' and will likely shut down into a bit of a quiet defence mode but I'm not sure I can let this go without bringing it up.

Thanks

In my marriage this would be standard jokey behaviour on both sides. So from me it would be an overreaction. Given historic SA though I think you should just have a word and explain that any unexpected touching makes you feel this way.

Talk to him OP - he's not a mindreader.

Sounds over dramatic OP, but In reality it doesn't matter what any of us think because at the end of the day it made you uncomfortable. So I'd have thought you need to try not to be angry with DP about last night, but instead talk to him explaining it made you feel uncomfortable and ask him not to do anything like that in future x

This would be totally normal in my relationship and probably many others. If you're pissed off, though-you must tell him or he'll never know. I don't think really you can expect him to be a mind reader.

Oh, stop with the overdramatic crap

The OP asked if she was being over dramatic. People are responding to her question.

If he doesn't know he's not allowed to touch her without permission, then yes, she is being over dramatic.

My past might be clouding it but it 'triggers' lots of horrible feelings when I'm touched without warning, especially near certain parts of my body

Without the information about past assault, I'd say he was just being playful and you overreacted. But if your DP has only sketchy details of why you are triggered, then you need to explain without making him feel bad.

What he did I would feel was normal couple intimacy, not something either partner should need to apologise for. But with your history, he needs to know the boundaries more clearly.

OTT.

But understandable. YANBU.

But you do need to talk this over with him. Say you've been feeling a bit weird about it and use your words on an earlier post

"it 'triggers' lots of horrible feelings when I'm touched without warning, especially near certain parts of my body."

I bet you he'll totally apologise, take it on board and give you a hug.

Just please don't bollock him. It'll be ok.

I can see why you were upset OP. But I can also see why your partner didn't see that there would be an issue with him looking at your underwear when you had just discussed it.

I would have a chat with him about what upset you and why , obviously making it clear that it wasn't his action that caused your reaction , but something from the past.

Last of all , what will you do when triggers happen in the future? Will you speak to him immediately or will you address it yourself?

Good luck OP , I understand all too well how things that are everyday for others cause emotions and vulnerability to come flooding back unexpectedly

No, I'm not going to bollock him. Thanks for making me see from other perspectives though. We'll chat over a g&t when he gets back.

Really not ready to recount the full story of abuse to him though, or anyone

I've been SA as an adult so know why you you get that feeling.

However he didn't 'grope' you. He did something in a jokey manner which is perfectly normal in relationships.

Ibex

Then maybe - when he asks - just say i really don't want to go into it then.

Be aware though that he may end up being on high alert from here on in. His not knowing the details of what happened (which you're within your total right to keep private) may lead him to think he can't touch you at all which could open up a huge can of worms.

Good luck. Think brevity might be key here x

OutToGetYou - I think you must have misread what MyheartbelongstoG said - she merely identified what OP had said wasn't the trigger, and suggested she speak to her husband about boundaries. I can't see what was unkind or "snipey" about that.

OP, I'm sorry for what you have been through.

If the touching made you feel crap and as though your boundaries had been crossed, then your feelings are valid.

'Over dramatic', alongside 'over emotional' and (my personal favourite) 'hysterical' are all ways of telling women people to play nicely and not make a fuss - often we tell ourselves that shit, which is what you're doing, OP.

He overstepped your boundary, he should listen and apologise - because he loves you and doesn't want you to feel like that, if nothing else.

Your previous experience (which I'm sorry happened to you, OP) may have been part of what sets your boundaries, but it doesn't mean they are wrong or that you are "over" sensitive/emotional/whatever.

You did mention the knickers which were put on as a turn-on, so I do not think his actions were unacceptable - just a jokey interaction. I understand why your history might be colouring your reaction; but I think you need to take a deep breath and cut him a bit of slack.

Ibex

I don't think you need to go into "the full story" with him or anyone if you aren't ready. Does he actually know thought that you have suffered in the past?

*though

There has been a lot of use of the word 'normal' on this thread. I'd like to point out again: there is no dichotomy between 'normal' relationships - in which women are invariably relaxed about having their partner suddenly grab their bits without warning - and abnormal (?) relationships - in which women at least sometimes find this a bit intrusive

Relationships are complicated and so is sex. There is no normal way to conduct them, only ways which (do or don't) ensure that everybody involved feels comfortable and OK.

Over dramatic. I wouldn't blink an eyelid if my DH did that.

I don't think either of you are in the wrong at all. You are over-sensitive but completely understandably so. On the other hand he was well within the bounds of normal behavior with someone he has lived with for 2 years.

You need to talk about this together.

He knows I had an absusive boyfriend when I was 18-20. He was older and co-erced me into doing lots of nasty things/have nasty things done to me. He doesn't know any more detail than that. I'm not 'affected' by it day to day or even very often and it was 12 years ago now so it's hard for him to be aware of it all the time or understand how it might affect me, I know that.

He made an assumption. He assumed that he's ok to touch you in that way at any time because you're a couple. It doesn't sound like he meant to assault or grope you, particularly as you had just agreed that neither of you were up for sex.

For me there's no such thing as an "over reaction" in a situation like this. Your feelings are your feelings.

However. What is now VERY important is how he responds to the fact that you don't want to be touched without warning and wish to put a boundary in place.

He needs to take everything you say on board and act accordingly. If he doesn't understand or dismisses your feelings or won't agree to not do it again; then you have a problem.

Just explain that you realise it's difficult for him to understand, but it still does affect you after all these years and he really does need to never "surprise" you like that again.

I wouldn't have mind and I can see why your DP wouldn't feel he needs to apologise. However, it upset you so I think you should have an open conversation about this with him.
Rather than getting mad at him, I'd explain why it made you feel the way it did so he can understand. If he's usually so lovely I'm sure he'd want to know why you're upset.

He didn't do anything wrong. It might have mildly pissed me off had my dh done that but, in and of itself, it didn't cross any kind of boundary.

However, your feelings around it are entirely valid and it's absolutely fine for you to say you are sorry you overreacted a bit but you find it very, very difficult to be touched like that without warning and could he please not do it again.

I wish people could be arsed to at least read the OPs posts

Please ignore the posters who obviously haven't read everything Ibex. I'm sure they don't mean to be so sodding insensitive