I need to know if I'm being overdramatic before DP gets home from work

[IbexToDiffer]

Done a quick name change for this one but I've been around a long time.

I'll try and keep this short- I need to know if AIBU before I broach this with DP.

So last night, DP gets home from work quite late and we're about to get ready for bed and the topic of whether or not we might have sex came up. (We've lived together for two years now so sometimes we just broach it rather than see if it happens organically IYSWIM) he said would I be offended if not as he's shattered and I said no that's fine as I was really achey from my gym class. I then joked that I'd 'wasted' my 'nice' knickers that evening. You know, just I had slightly more exciting ones one than plain m&s.

So about 20min later, I'm just bending over to get something out of the bedside table. I was wearing a long vest top night dress type thing that came down to my thighs. So not 'on display' exactly. I had my back to DP who was on the bed.

Without warning, DP reached under my dress to touch my knickers and goes 'let's see what knickers you've got on then, I just want to see' and goes to lift up my dress to have a look.

I stood up and told him not to do it. I was really shocked. It felt like a totally unsolicited grope and made me feel horrible. I said something like 'I'm not public property you know' and he said 'I'm not the public!'

That's almost worse. I'm not just there to be groped and looked at whenever he wants either.

Anyway, I got into bed, we turned the lights out and went (eventually for me) to sleep. But I was upset he didn't apologise, or seem to think he'd put a foot wrong. He left in a rush this morning and I kind I've been frosty in my communication with him all day but it's not something I want to deal with over text.

I don't know what to think as it's not something he's done before. He's normally so lovely. Also, I have had an occurance of sexual abuse in my (adult) past so I don't know if that makes me sensitive to 'surprise' touching where someone else may not have been. DP knows very sketchy details of this btw but not the full story.

Im not looking LTB over this but would really like some advice on whether AIBU and if not how to deal with it. He's not great at being told he's done something 'wrong' and will likely shut down into a bit of a quiet defence mode but I'm not sure I can let this go without bringing it up.

Thanks

I don't think you're over reacting op, but i do think he only meant it in a playful way.

I was raped early last year and before that it didn't bother me in the slightest if my partner at the time touched my bum or pulled my dress up etc.
But now i cannot stand it and get completely freaked out if my now partner does it. Not his fault at all and I know he's just being playful but it makes me so uncomfortable. It's fine if I know he's going to do it, like if we're mucking about that's fine, but when I'm not expecting it and he touches my bum or something, i get really upset.
But we had a good old conversation about it, and he now wouldn't touch me by surprise at all due to how it makes me feel.
Hope you can work through it op

I think it would be best if you clearly stated out loud the kind of touching that makes you uncomfortable OP, have a chat with your DP when it's all feeling a little less raw. It's fine not to go into the details of what happened to make you feel the way you do.

It sounds like you raised the idea of sex if he was the one that said he was too tired and then you mentioned your underwear. If someone said that to me, I would think that they were trying to get me interested! If your DP thought the same then he's probably a bit mystified by your response. Hopefully just crossed wires on both sides and something that can be easily sorted out by a few ground rules for the future.

The tone of your dh checking your pants, is playful, he clearly do not mean to violate or hurt you in any way, just thought about his quick and tired response and maybe changed his mind?? I do think maybe this is your past experience(s) making you feel this way.

You are NOT overdramatic and I do not think this is a useful label, but you certainly need to watch how you respond and what the triggers are, and know it is not intended to be hurtful almost certainly (hence the lack of apology) and you checked on here which means you probably know on some level that this happens....talk to him about it, and how it made you feel and hopefully he will know for next time that this is not making you feel very good, you will be able to tell a lot from his reply

Me and my DP are very touchy and this would be perfectly normal for us, I'd either say 'get off' jokingly or tease him a bit, it would most likely end in us having sex, I also like him coming up behind me in the kitchen or grabbing my bum as I go past and I do it back to him.

BUT!! It's not a over reaction if you don't like it or feel comfortable with it and that's not just in cases of previous SA. Some people aren't as comfortable with touching or certain touching and that's perfectly ok.

I don't think your DP has done anything particularly wrong, if it's not something that's arisen before. I think a conversation that you found it uncomfortable and you don't want him to touch you like that, should be enough.

That is not something that I personally would give a second thought to (DH and I muck about like that all the time), but I can see that with your bad experiences in the past you might be very sensitive to things like that. Perhaps it's time to sit down with your OH with a glass of wine and explain why you reacted in the way that you did.

I have a history but that wouldn't bother me. I think you just need to explain it to him.

Does he know why (within the limits of what you have told him) about why you were upset? You are expecting an apology, and upset (frosty!) at not getting one when he may not know what he did wrong. For many couples what he did was normal. DP and I do this all the time and we have done it in previous relationships.

You have to at least tell him why you were understandably upset and see what he does next. If he does the full grump on without acknowledging the issue then he will be a bit of an arse. If he points out that he didnt know, because he had not been told, and is a bit disappointed with the frostiness then talk it through.

Wouldn't bother me personally and is something that is considered normal and playful in most relationships I would have thought but considering your past I can see why you might get upset. I don't think your dp did anything wrong and I don't think he was trying to hurt you or make you upset and he probably does think your being abit OTT but considering you haven't explained the extent to him what happened to you he might not fully understand. You also did mention about having some fancy knickers on for him so he was probs thinking it over on his head and maybe was getting in the mood. Either way your allowed to feel how you feel and a conversation on why it upset you will more then likely fix everything

I hate to be touched in a sexual way, if I'm doing something ordinary and not expecting it, as in the OP.
I don't have any SA past, it's just something I don't like.

I think your DP was just being playful and hasn't done anything wrong, but it's a good idea to make him aware that that's something you really don't like.

Thanks everyone, I appreciate the advice. And I know I need to look into therapy again at some point.

Certainly not looking to pick a fight with him. I've cooked a really nice bit of beef for starters

I'm on my summer break btw, sadly not a lady of leisure.

My past might be clouding it that should say.

Yes it is.

Good for you Ibex, hope the talk goes well