To think LTB is trotted out far too readily by many...

[coconuttella]

... especially where children are involved. Trying to work through and resolve differences and problems seems like too much bother for some who revel in advising the woman to leave or kick out their partner.

Of course there are some situations where LTB is appropriate, especially where there's abuse... I'm not talking about those.

Well yes, but it takes two to solve relationship issues. One person can't do it alone and why should they?

If you've already explained all the things that are pissing you off or getting you down until you're blue in the face but matey won't listen, it's an LTB from me.

What Matey said. Too many women waste years on selfish men who take advantage and will never care as much as they do.and will often say they wish they had ltb a long time ago.

Matey? Morris. It's been a rather unusual cocktail night tonight

If you've already explained all the things that are pissing you off or getting you down until you're blue in the face but matey won't listen, it's an LTB from me.

I agree... LTB is appropriate in that situation,
For me LTB is a last resort when you have children not the immediate response to a misdemeanour (for example visiting a strip club on a stag do).

There doesn't need to be abuse for it to be OK for a woman to leave her partner though, even if there are children involved.

Maybe I don't spend enough time here, or don't go on the right boards, but the only frivolous LTBs I have seen have been obvious jokes of the
'DH put a fork in the spoon compartment, what should I do?'
'LTB!' variety.

Nah, if you're unhappy then LTB. DC are happier in a happy home.

nope. What does happen too often are threads like this.
It's particularly important to start realising that leaving is the best option when there are children.

Most of the LTBs I've seen have been where there is no baggage (no kids, no joint mortgage, new relationship, just get rid of him, ffs!) or serious abuse, or utter jokes, as mentioned upthread.

generally, its better fo r kids to have parents living a part than living togethr in a dysfunctional relationship. And, yes, making it work takes two, so if one isn't trying to make it work, it's not going to work (BTDT got the t-shirt)

Yes I agree. Many people say LTB, but it's not that easy when you have so much invested in a relationship; kids together, extended family, a home together, and financial commitments etc. Also many women (sadly,) would not fare well on their own, and would be seriously compromising their lifestyle if they did LTB.

Sometimes, staying in an average marriage with a man who isn't great, in a marriage that isn't great, is preferable to being alone and poor.

It's probably a great life being single/divorced/separated when you have kids, if you're rich. Otherwise, it's usually a bit of a struggle.

I don't believe that most women who say LTB at the drop of a hat, have ever left a man who was just a bit of a sulky and passive-aggressive nob sometimes.. Even though they make out they would leave, (or have done.)

I am also tired of people assuming a man is having an affair. Any slight issue in a relationship, and it's HE'S HAVING AN AFFAIR!!! LTB!'

And no, it's NOT in jokey threads that they do it. They're serious. They tell women to leave without even trying to work things out.

By the time many women are posting about their situation they have already spent years 'working on it'.

Or, whatever has happened is completely against their own morals - an affair, using a prostitute or whatever. There's nothing to 'work through' if you hold different morals.

Yes, LTB IS often the advice given, but not because some bloke didn't take the bins out on one occasion.

I wish people would link to threads where posters have seriously said the OP should leave and it's thought to be poor advice.

I'm an advocate of LTB - but also of make sure you work when you're with a bastard, and make sure you keep a separate bank account etc. I have recommended women leave tons of times because the guy involved is abusive and disrespectful.

Why would anyone advise LTB if the relationship could be saved?

Nah, if you're unhappy then LTB. DC are happier in a happy home.

This is exactly the kind of response I take issue with.... There have been times when I've been unhappy in my relationship... did I simply LTB? No, I worked hard at it with DP. Had this been unsuccessful and differences insurmountable then, yes, splitting up would have been best, and I accept that is the case for many relationships, but personally I'm happy I didn't throw in the towel easily when things were tough.

Sometimes, staying in an average marriage with a man who isn't great, in a marriage that isn't great, is preferable to being alone and poor.
That's the saddest thing I've read all week.
Personally, I found being alone and poor better than being partnered and miserable.

Did you DH make you say this?

LTB.

Your* doh!

I disagree. I think there are too many women putting up with too much shit in the name of children because that is what society tells them to do.

Men walk away from relationships for far less and don't get the same level of guilt thrown at them. Tbh a lot of the time men can do whatever they like and shit don't stick.

Children require a lot of things, but plenty of children grow up happy and healthy in two household families. So lets stop telling women they have to work it out for the kids like they are the only ones in a position to affect the relationship.

It's particularly important to start realising that leaving is the best option when there are children.

But only when differences are irreconcilable. Just giving up because you're finding things difficult and unhappy without trying your best to work things through isn't good.

By the time many women are posting about their situation they have already spent years 'working on it'.

Quite.

I started working on it at about 5 years into marriage, with my ex.

When he forgot our 7th anniversary, I was wondering why the fuck I had even bothered.

Sadly, I wasted 2 more years before realising that I needed to be out and free, Now! It took me another year to unravel all the debt he'd built up in both our names and his low level abuse escalated in that year, as he realised I'd done with mothering him and detached.

For women in similar and worse relationships, I wouldn't recommend hanging about any longer thn absolutely necessary.

There have been times when I've been unhappy in my relationship... did I simply LTB? No, I worked hard at it with DP.

There is nothing wrong with that if that is what you chose to do. But what was right for you might not be right for the next person. LTB is as valid a choice as any other.

"Sometimes, staying in an average marriage with a man who isn't great, in a marriage that isn't great, is preferable to being alone and poor" That's the saddest thing I've read all week. Personally, I found being alone and poor better than being partnered and miserable.

But the poster didn't say "miserable marriage", she said "average marriage".

Once and for all is it Leave The Bastard or Let Things Be?

There is nothing wrong with that if that is what you chose to do. But what was right for you might not be right for the next person. LTB is as valid a choice as any other.

Disagree.... If there are children involved you should try and make it work, and not give up at the first sign of difficulty. If you can't make it work, the leaving is fine, but giving up too easily and putting children through a break-up needlessly is selfish.

You can't decide someone's boundaries though.

What one person finds acceptable (using your example of a strip club) would be a deal breaker to somebody else.

I think we are actually far too lenient on shit partners actually. How much of our lives do we waste trying? Life's short.

The times I've seen LTB it has been more than justified.

If everyone took the advice on here to ltb no relationship would ever be repaired. The advice should be to talk to each other rather than post on an internet forum. Vent by all means but only the person knows the reality of their situation. This is the worst forum to ask for advice. Use relationships instead.

Children aren't owed parents that are together though. Staying together for the children can produce a much more toxic environment than splitting up can.

My objection to these threads is that they might act as some kind of guilt inducement that convinces someone who should leave that they just haven't worked hard enough.

I think most sensible adults who are capable of decent decision making would be able to decide what is worth saving.

Its the women who have been worn down and come here looking for permission to leave that I worry for.