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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think LTB is trotted out far too readily by many...

135 replies

coconuttella · 09/08/2017 23:59

... especially where children are involved. Trying to work through and resolve differences and problems seems like too much bother for some who revel in advising the woman to leave or kick out their partner.

Of course there are some situations where LTB is appropriate, especially where there's abuse... I'm not talking about those.

OP posts:

Original poster

coconuttella · 11/08/2017 09:01

It can be for as flippant a reason as they so wish, even if they have kids

It is this attitude I find so wrong and behind some of the LTB attitudes on here.

I could have an affair if I wanted - it's my right to do so... doesn't make it right.

I could go kick my partner out for having getting a grey hair - now that's flippant and it's my right to do so.... doesn't make it right.

Just because there are many very good reasons to LTB doesn't mean that every reason is good enough to LTB.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 11/08/2017 09:06

It's absolutely none of your business why someone might end a relationship. It is unlikely you would even know the half of it anyway....none of us knows what goes on behind closed doors.

You sound very judgemental, op. Do you make your disapproval known in RL if someone LTB for a reason you don't consider to be "good enough" ?

Nancy91 · 11/08/2017 09:13

Come on, there ARE reasons that aren't good reasons to leave someone! The "bastard" that you advise leaving is actually a human being with feelings who is likely to be crushed by this decision.

Kitsandkids · 11/08/2017 09:13

The thing is, people generally only post on here when something bad happens so readers never know how lovely the partner normally is.

My husband once swore at me. I was raging. I posted on here. Most posters told me to LTB. That was 5 and a half years ago, he's never sworn at me again and we now have a beautiful baby. I'm very glad I didn't leave him.

Icecreammakesmehappy · 11/08/2017 09:22

It can be for as flippant a reason as they so wish, even if they have kids

what a horrendously selfish attitude to have and to encourage

AnyFucker · 11/08/2017 09:23

Once again, do we seriously think that someone would immediately LTB if they were told to on the internet ?

Or should we credit them with the skills to interpret the situation based on them knowing the whole background.

If you don't think it appropriate to LTB after a one off incident of eg. being sworn at then don't.

Icecreammakesmehappy · 11/08/2017 09:29

AnyFucker I've met many people who would take internet advice. I once knew someone who threw their boyfriend out as their tarot cards said 'a male close to her was deceiving her', (to those who believe in such things she then found out her son had knicked £20 out of her purse).

AnyFucker · 11/08/2017 09:36

Then they shouldn't be left in sole charge of the internet.

Your friend is a crazy person.

Icecreammakesmehappy · 11/08/2017 09:40

Yep bat sh*t glad to say she was not a friend but a friend's mother, but my point is there are plenty of impressionable people out there.

Original poster

coconuttella · 11/08/2017 09:51

It's absolutely none of your business why someone might end a relationship.

But if someone is posting on MN they are inviting it to be our business!

You sound very judgemental, op

Pot and kettle spring to mind.

OP posts:

Original poster

coconuttella · 11/08/2017 10:00

It is unlikely you would even know the half of it anyway....none of us knows what goes on behind closed doors.

In which case that could make LTB advice all the more inappropriate!

I posted once under a different name on here following an issue... I was very angry so of course the only side of the story read on here was mine.... I wasn't told to LTB by many... I didn't - we worked at it, sought to understand where each other were coming from and resolved the issues. I'm very glad i didn't LTB on he back on Internet advice - and the outcome is so much better for all of us, including children, than if I'd stormed out. That's not to say LTB isn't good advice based on the situation - and I've offered it myself, but often people don't seem to recognise that they're only hearing one side of the story, and jump too quickly to the LTB conclusion.

OP posts:

Original poster

coconuttella · 11/08/2017 10:01

Once again, do we seriously think that someone would immediately LTB if they were told to on the internet?

If you don't think people take any notice of the 'advice' given on here, why offer it?! It makes no sense at all!

OP posts:

TheDowagerCuntess · 11/08/2017 10:19

I'm very glad i didn't LTB on he back on Internet advice

Um... well done...?

Well done on not leaving the bastard, even though a load of faceless, nameless randoms on the internet told you to.

Stay strong!

Don't leave him. Stay with him, and nurture him. He deserves it.

clickhappy · 11/08/2017 10:38

I actually don't think it is used too much. and I'm one these who will hang on in a relationship refusing to admit defeat.

My eyes have really been opened by the things that go on.

I do agree however that if I went through something and forgave my partner, I would get flamed on here. That's sad too.

What concerns me is that now that women are standing up to cheating g husbands, it makes them more attainable to women who want to get their claws into them. So a woman who really wants a married man is more likely to pursue him if she thinks he will get thrown out from their marriage/relationship. I don't think that leaves men more vulnerable, because if they are going to cheat, they will but marriages and relationships more vulnerable as all if a sudden there is an established, accepted way of getting your man.

HelenaDove · 11/08/2017 13:47

Cuntess i think the OP objects to her taxes paying for single parents.

I think that is the motive behind this thread.

And coconutella Luckily my DH wouldnt be interested in going to a strip club.

But i absolutely stand by what i said, I would NOT stay with a partner who attended one. My boundaries are not your business.

Im childfree by choice but i would also stand by a friend or a poster on here with DC who chose to leave for this reason. Because it models to the DC that women should be treated with respect.

Equally i would NOT be interested in seeing a male stripper before anyone trots out that old chestnut/diet coke argument.

Original poster

coconuttella · 11/08/2017 14:34

Cuntess i think the OP objects to her taxes paying for single parents.

Wtf? Where on earth did you get that from! Totally untrue.

My point is that some are too ready to when leave relationships where there are children, as exemplified by the following comment from from the previous page: It can be for as flippant a reason as they so wish, even if they have kids.

To make it clear, where there is abuse or irreconcilable differences, LTB is fine, and if they are in need of help using my taxes, then that's fine too. I have been consistent in this throughout the thread!

It's depressing though how some people pride themselves of how disposable they consider the relationships with the fathers of their children.

OP posts:

Icecreammakesmehappy · 11/08/2017 14:41

Cuntess i think the OP objects to her taxes paying for single parents.

Bit of a stretch, maybe she just thinks it sad that people are getting encouraged to divorce for things that could be worked through.

HelenaDove · 11/08/2017 14:44

clickhappy Thats some mental gymnastics in your last paragraph there. Always the womans fault eh?

The misogyny on this thread is disgusting.

TheDowagerCuntess · 11/08/2017 14:55

It's depressing though how some people pride themselves of how disposable they consider the relationships with the fathers of their children.

Yes, very depressing, and yet I have never actually seen this.

Have you? Someone 'priding' themselves on their 'disposable relationship'?!

To reiterate, people can leave a relationship for whatever reason they like, even if they have kids, no matter how much it depresses you.

Just because people are told to LTB, doesn't mean they actually do. You, yourself are a case in point!

Icecreammakesmehappy · 11/08/2017 15:04

Yep that right shout misogyny because people don't agree with you, LTB advice is not usually directed towards a man is it?? You're assuming the OP has it in for single mothers, it's fine to disagree but you're just attacking the OP and jumping all over the place with your conclusions.

Original poster

coconuttella · 11/08/2017 15:41

The misogyny on this thread is disgusting.

As you mention mental gymnastics, I'm impressed at the contortions you've gone through to find misogyny on this thread! Perhaps you could direct me to it?

OP posts:

Original poster

coconuttella · 11/08/2017 15:44

Have you? Someone 'priding' themselves on their 'disposable relationship'?!

A couple of pages ago, albeit talking about relationships in general rather than their own.... "It can be for as flippant a reason as they so wish, even if they have kids."

OP posts:

PickAChew · 11/08/2017 16:11

The misogyny was the suggestion that it's women's fault that men have affairs and break up relationships in the process because they won't put up with partners that do that.

Piewraith · 11/08/2017 16:17

I think the reason people say it is because the situation is often something like this... "my DP does this horrible thing. He refuses to change or even listen to my concerns. I find this unbearable. What can I do?"

The OP is asking for advice. The partner is not going to change or "work on it". OP cannot change partners behaviour. So really the only advice that can be given is "get over it" or "LTB". If the OP could just get over it, they would have done so and not bothered posting.

So I can see why LTB ends up being the advice given.

TheDowagerCuntess · 11/08/2017 16:27

A couple of pages ago, albeit talking about relationships in general rather than their own.... "It can be for as flippant a reason as they so wish, even if they have kids."

It was me who said that! The same person who also posted yesterday at 12:11:

Likewise, I have no interest in leaving my relationship. It's solid, and when any issues arise, we jointly work through them.

People can leave a relationship for as flippant a reason as they so wish. That doesn't mean people are 'priding themselves on their disposable relationships'....?

Again, how does people saying LTB affect you, if you're willing to work at your relationship?

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