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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think LTB is trotted out far too readily by many...

135 replies

coconuttella · 09/08/2017 23:59

... especially where children are involved. Trying to work through and resolve differences and problems seems like too much bother for some who revel in advising the woman to leave or kick out their partner.

Of course there are some situations where LTB is appropriate, especially where there's abuse... I'm not talking about those.

OP posts:

HelenaDove · 10/08/2017 01:25

YY Terry.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 10/08/2017 01:25

not it was you who said posters sometimes use "LTB" but not mean it literally (which is news to me that this happens). that is my response for if people who say it but don't mean it literally. If that's not what you meant then say what you actually mean as your posts are confusing as hell.

notevernotnevernotnohow · 10/08/2017 01:51

Yes but there was much more to the post, so you're taking it out of context.

It was quite clear if you bothered to read all of it. But you are of course not obliged to. And you can say what you want (as can the people who say LTB!)

MistressDeeCee · 10/08/2017 02:34

Most of the LTBs Ive seen are where a woman is suffering violence, or financial abuse, or living with a man who is so very lazy that she is utterly worn out, or has conveniently taken up a hobby so he can opt out of family life totally and not spend time with her or DCs, or the H has had an affair and is minimising instead of trying to put right the hurt he caused. LTB is right in those cases. What do you suggest? "oh keep talking to him even if you've done that numerous times but he wont listen hence youre on MN at the absolute end of your tether". I don't feel a woman should waste her years on a man who is doing her harm, be that emotional or physical. What for? For the sake of a man? Not to mention DCs growing up in a toxic family atmosphere is shit. Yes some LTBs will be petty, but most are not.

Shoxfordian · 10/08/2017 06:45

Sometimes posts start off with a relatively small issue but as the op adds more then it turns into a wide pattern of disrespect and nastiness.

I say ltb a lot but I don't say it flippantly and I know it's hard to do. I agree to an extent that some marriages can be worked on but I've seen so many awful examples on here that ltb really is the best answer.

TheStoic · 10/08/2017 06:45

I so WISH more women actually would LTB.

and not give up at the first sign of difficulty.

Who does this? Nobody. Hearing things like this reminds me of mothers who encourage their daughters to stay in dire marriages. I hope you don't turn into one of those.

BanginChoons · 10/08/2017 06:49

Yabu. Being single is underrated.

Far from being lonely etc. life can actually be so so much better without that constant pressure of being responsible for someone else's happiness.

AnyFucker · 10/08/2017 07:10

If my husband visited a strip club, I would find it "irreconcilable"

You take care of your own boundaries, I'll take care of mine

KoolKoala07 · 10/08/2017 07:16

I agree with you op, too easy to throw the towel in. Its part of the throwaway attitude many have now.

BitOfANameChange · 10/08/2017 08:45

When people spout off about working on a marriage, all too often there's the implication that it's the woman's job to do the work. Not on MN in general but by society.

So, by the time someone posts here, often about something trivial, it comes out there's more shit going on, and the woman has tried for a long time. Without any corresponding effort from the partner.

Sod that. I've left after an accumulation of crap, and so far I still think it was the right thing to do.

MrsMeeseeks · 10/08/2017 08:58

NameChange is quite right: it's nearly always the woman who has to provide most of the emotional labour involved with trying to rescue a marriage.

I do not throw LTB around lightly: I always mean it.

My parents 'stayed together for the sake of the kids' and I can tell you that it makes for a miserable childhood.

Nancy91 · 10/08/2017 09:16

"I'm leaving you"

"Why?"

"Mumsnet told me to"

Surely people saying LTB doesn't actually make anything happen in real life? It isn't proper advice. Sometimes it doesn't make sense to leave at the present moment. Sometimes the problem is too trivial. I just can't get on board with the posters who simply write "LTB" and leave it at that!

RiverTam · 10/08/2017 09:23

The flip side is that far too many women seem to think they have to settle for relationships with at best useless and at worst abusive men. They see these less-than-desirable traits as men just being men. They have been conditioned to set the bar really low. That is not a good state of affairs, particularly if you are bringing up the next generation in such an environment.

NellysKnickers · 10/08/2017 09:57

If youve got no money and nowhere to go then it's pretty shit advice.

MistressDeeCee · 10/08/2017 15:01

If youve got no money and nowhere to go then it's pretty shit advice

Not if you're in UK for instance - Women's Aid and similar offer shelter and assistance with emergency benefits claims too. Women's AId are a phone call away. Please don't pretend most on MN facing horrendous marriage problems are sitting in a third world country with no access to assistance at all

It you were in one of those countries then it REALLY would be shit advice. But actually, it isn't

Years of misery for the sake of ONE man? No thanks. Health, safety and happiness first

If you read the Relationships board there are some women in terrible situations. The frivolous LTBs are by far outweighed by the necessary ones . This post and some thread comments are skewered victim blaming, and minimising the benefit of good advice and assistance "you're married, put up with anything no matter what".

ClemDanfango · 10/08/2017 15:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

emilybrontescorset · 10/08/2017 15:14

Typed out a long list which has vanished.

No I don't think telling g someone to ltb is unreasonable.

I did and I've never been happier!

noeffingidea · 10/08/2017 15:25

Meh, some of the LTB posts I agree with, some I don't. Everyone is free to counter them, to post a different point of view.
In my experience people only take advice when it endorses what they already want to do, so it doesn't really matter what gets posted on here (other than practical advice of course).

Sinead9 · 10/08/2017 15:27

A lot of the time it's posters who can't find a happy relationship, so don't want to see somekne else in one. They see a chink in the armour of the relationship and pounce.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/08/2017 15:35

A lot of the time it's posters who can't find a happy relationship, so don't want to see somekne else in one. I completely disagree. I think it's a combination of:

Women who did leave and are now happy with someone else
Women who did leave and are happy alone
Women who didn't leave and wish they had
Men who are like "WTAF, he's a wanker, I'd never behave like that, get out"

Icecreammakesmehappy · 10/08/2017 15:49

OP I completely agree with you!! I even wanted to start a thread like this! I also can't help that think some posters like to stir things up with LTB replies to things such as disappointing birthday gifts, making the OP feel their relationship has real issues when it's something that would be solved by a bit of communication.

MorrisZapp · 10/08/2017 16:02

A bit of communication? Let me guess. The woman has to do the communication, the explaining and the general emotional donkey work. And they've tried before.

They have always tried before.

Icecreammakesmehappy · 10/08/2017 16:07

No they both need to communicate, but if you have the problem you need to let your partner know. Both partners owe it to their children to work on a marriage not throw in the towel just because real life has caught up with the niggles and annoyances that living with someone cause.

Icecreammakesmehappy · 10/08/2017 16:15

and my issue isn't so much with the OPs who think their marriages are over, they know more about their own marriages than I do. My issue is with posters who say LTB and try and convince OPs their relationship has underlying issues which are so much deeper than what the OP is venting about. That to me is pretty sick on the posters part, and says more about their own underlying issues.

EC22 · 10/08/2017 16:20

I've had a good chuckle at some LTB suggestions on here.
It has absolutely no impact as it is said so often for spurious reasons.

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