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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think LTB is trotted out far too readily by many...

135 replies

coconuttella · 09/08/2017 23:59

... especially where children are involved. Trying to work through and resolve differences and problems seems like too much bother for some who revel in advising the woman to leave or kick out their partner.

Of course there are some situations where LTB is appropriate, especially where there's abuse... I'm not talking about those.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 10/08/2017 16:22

Both partners owe it to their children to work on a marriage not throw in the towel No. But both partners owe it to their children to model healthy relationships. And that includes both good communication skills and LTB if required.

Icecreammakesmehappy · 10/08/2017 16:46

I should have said not throw in the towel without trying, marriage counselling etc.

HatieCockpins · 10/08/2017 18:30

A lot of the time it's posters who can't find a happy relationship, so don't want to see someone else in one.
Surely a woman in a happy relationship would not be looking for relationship advice on here in the first place. I've said LTB a few times. Not because I am jealous of women who have got a man, but because I've been in an unhappy relationship and afraid to leave. I left anyway and want other unhappy women to be able to feel the same sense of relief that I did.

emilybrontescorset · 10/08/2017 18:34

It depends what the underlying problem is.
Small things which seem inoccuous in isolation when pieced together can be major red flags.
I had an ex who was controlling. I didn't see it for a long time. In the end after a major Incident it all came together but only very slowly did I see the pieces fit.
If someone had told me to ltb before I'd have thought they were insane, now I can see the while picture.

emilybrontescorset · 10/08/2017 18:35

Whole picture.

PickAChew · 10/08/2017 21:20

MrsTP has it.

I did leave. I'm now happy. It took someone telling me to give my head a wobble to make me realise that there really was no good reason why I couldn't leave. If I ever meet that woman again, I'll be tempted to snog her.

PickAChew · 10/08/2017 21:24

Icecream, I and most others here would never suggest LTB for a few niggles.

Where there is abuse, I would tell them to run and not look back. Sod marriage counselling in that situation - it's usually a dangerous route to take because it gives the abuser another way of abusing.

LoyaltyAndLobster · 10/08/2017 21:30

Yes it's the most over used term on here

OH drank the last of the milk without telling me

LTB pack all his clothes up and leave them outside the front door

AnyFucker · 10/08/2017 21:44

That Didn't Happen

misjudgement · 10/08/2017 21:47

No, it didn't Hmm

With that being said, I think LTB in itself is a little over simplistic. I regularly read "Leave. Now." While I don't think the posters are being literal, it does assume the OP has somewhere to go.

Nancy91 · 11/08/2017 00:11

Sometimes the advice makes no practical sense. LTB. Kick him out of the house. Change the locks.

What if it's his house and you have nowhere to go? You're fucked. You're homeless. It's lazy advice.

Crowdo · 11/08/2017 00:21

There's always been a big bias towards LTB. I suspect it's misguided kindness more than malice. But of course, sometimes you do get some poor woman being harrassed to leave someone who she could possibly talk it out with, getting the high pressure emotional investment from posters who really should be more impartial.

hiphopcat · 11/08/2017 00:27

@nellysknickers

Well said Nelly!

If youve got no money and nowhere to go then LTB is pretty shit advice

@MistressDeeCee

Not if you're in UK for instance - Women's Aid and similar offer shelter and assistance with emergency benefits claims too. Women's Aid are a phone call away. Please don't pretend most on MN facing horrendous marriage problems are sitting in a third world country with no access to assistance at all

Oh what a lovely time you must be having in the land of cuckoos and clouds. Wink

How about YOU don't pretend that leaving your husband is a walk in the park, and stop making out there's LOADS of help out there, benefits will carry you, the council will get you a taxi to a lovely new build property with a tenancy for life, and people will be falling over themselves to help you!

You try leaving your husband, when you have no job, no income, no savings, no-one to turn to, nowhere to go, no prospects, and 2 or 3 young children in tow.

It wouldn't be the cosy little scenario you paint! I can assure you!!!

HatieCockpins · 11/08/2017 00:28

nancy assuming that whoever is being told to LTB is in the UK they will not be homeless as a result of leaving. If they have children the local authority will be obliged to house them. Women's aid will accommodate women with or without children. Fear of poverty or homelessness can keep women in bad relationships unnecessarily.

I agree that LTB alone would be lazy advice. But LTB, accompanied by advice on HOW to LTB (contact details for women's aid, citizens advice bureau, shelter etc) is valid.

Nancy91 · 11/08/2017 00:37

I thought women's aid was for victims of abuse, not just general breakups. LTB is trotted out for random and petty reasons on here. I'm not going to contact women's aid because my partner doesn't do the hoovering and I'm sick of it. Nor am I going to go and live on the street because mumsnet thinks it's a LTB situation. It really is lazy advice.

hiphopcat · 11/08/2017 00:45

@Nancy91

I thought women's aid was for victims of abuse, not just general breakups. LTB is trotted out for random and petty reasons on here. I'm not going to contact women's aid because my partner doesn't do the hoovering and I'm sick of it. Nor am I going to go and live on the street because mumsnet thinks it's a LTB situation. It really is lazy advice.

Agree Nancy. It's also dangerous and misleading advice.

Saying LTB and don't worry because you will be looked after/housed/given money/ benefits/ carpets/furniture/support yada yada, and your life will be soooooooo much better, is actually pretty dangerous advice. Because there is a strong likelihood that this will not happen, and the woman in question (and the children, if there are any) will end up considerably worse off.

As you said, a woman is only likely to get a lot of help and assistance if she is a victim of serious abuse. And even then it may only be for a short while, like until she is out of danger. After that, she will more than likely be left to her own devices.

HelenaDove · 11/08/2017 00:55

Magnify that 1000 times when including Universal Credit in the equasion.

TheDowagerCuntess · 11/08/2017 01:11

What are you so worried about, Coconuttella?

Nobody's telling you to leave your bastard. Wink

If you don't want to leave, don't leave. If other people don't want to leave - no matter how much of a bastard their partner is - they won't leave.

Someone saying LTB on a forum is going to have jack all influence in relationship outcomes. Women aren't that daft.

You see these threads on here all the time.

'LTB' seems to make some people desperately panicky, as if the fabric of society will unravel, if the words 'leave the bastard' are tossed out.

Your relationship is perfectly safe. You're at liberty to stay, and work as hard at your relationship as you like.

Likewise, I have no interest in leaving my relationship. It's solid, and when any issues arise, we jointly work through them.

So why get so worried about other people being told to LTB? Confused

I really don't get it.

HelenaDove · 11/08/2017 01:14

YY Cuntess.

Im wondering what the motive is too.

MistressDeeCee · 11/08/2017 01:52

hiphopcat

Oh what a lovely time you must be having in the land of cuckoos and clouds

18 years working in homelessness = I know what I am talking about, and you don't. Do you believe domestic violence doesn't exist and that when women present are in need of assistance it is impossible to get; so the woman fleeing violence/abuse is advised to stay with her H?

If you want to advise women in that way you are obviously free to do so, but don't think your mocking makes you better than women on here who are willing to give advice and yes even sympathy, if that doesn't stick in your craw too much.

Original poster
coconuttella · 11/08/2017 07:47

Likewise, I have no interest in leaving my relationship. It's solid, and when any issues arise, we jointly work through them. So why get so worried about other people being told to LTB? confused

In many cases LTB is appropriate advice given where the relationship is abusive or there are other issues that are clearly irreconcilable, but LTB is sometimes used as a response too glibly. There's often too little of the working through issues as they arise as you state you do.

For instance, earlier in this thread someone queried that people don't trot this advice out for one-off "offences" that could be readily dealt with.... Then a couple of posts later someone stated they would absolutely leave their DP if he went into a strip club on a stag do.... Now, I'm no fan of strip clubs, and wouldn't be happy if my DP went to one, but to draw your lines so rigidly that you'd LTB over a one-off incident he regrets in the cold light of day, with all the trauma and pain this causes, when such a thing could be dealt within a few days following a frank discussion or two, some remorse followed by a bit of forgiveness, is irresponsible in my opinion.

Of course, everyone can draw the lines they want in their relationships - it's their right - but that doesn't mean every line is reasonable. I would be within my rights to draw the line at not putting a plate in the dishwasher, and let my DP know how seriously i viewed such slovenly behaviour beforehand, and then LTB with no second chances if he screwed up, but that wouldn't mean my response was proportionate or reasonable.

OP posts:
Tessliketrees · 11/08/2017 07:53

Not really, it's not like the posters who get this response jump up and pack their bags.

emilybrontescorset · 11/08/2017 07:55

Out of interest when would you advise someone to ltb?
I started a thread on here asking why people tolerated numerous affairs. In particular ones where the spouse was left devastated and broken by the repeated betrayal and constant deceit of their oh. Where there was obviously no trust left and even close family members had cut off from the adulterer.
I was told by seberal posters that it really isn't that bad, that it's forgivable and not worth making a fuss about. That the fact one half of the relationship has been treated like dirt, broken beyond repair and the marriage a sham is not worth leaving for.

TheDowagerCuntess · 11/08/2017 08:33

Coconutella - people can leave a man for any which reason they like.

They don't have to run it by you.

It can be for as flippant a reason as they so wish, even if they have kids.

In the other hand, you don't have to leave your relationship.

Again - what are you worried about, when you see someone say LTB on a thread. How does it affect you?

AnyFucker · 11/08/2017 08:42

I don't find visiting a strip club to not putting a plate in the dishwasher to be remotely comparable.