Page 2 | To think LTB is trotted out far too readily by many...

coconuttella · 2017-08-09T22:59:09+00:00

... especially where children are involved. Trying to work through and resolve differences and problems seems like too much bother for some who revel in advising the woman to leave or kick out their partner. Of course there are some situations where LTB is appropriate, especially where there's abuse... I'm not talking about those.

HelenaDove · 10/08/2017 00:37

coconutella Women have a right not to be in a relationship with a man who goes to a strip club.

I see it as cheating.

A man would certainly see it as cheating if he came home to find a male stripper doing a private dance for his wife.

I opened this thread thinking that it was going to be discussing the financial hurdles of leaving someone but no......

I have a right to not continue a relationship with someone who would go to a strip club and/or get a private dance and other women have this right too.

SweetLuck · 10/08/2017 00:39

I think too many people stay in unhappy marriages and LTB is often good advice.

ExplodedCloud · 10/08/2017 00:39

Have you been the child in a marriage that wasn't working and staggered from crisis to crisis?

notevernotnevernotnohow · 10/08/2017 00:40

last resort when you have children not the immediate response to a misdemeanour (for example visiting a strip club on a stag do)

That may be a misdemeanor to you, but it's a felony for me.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 10/08/2017 00:41

YANBU. Especially 'LTB tonight'. Which is great advice if you're being abused, not so much if he's just being a lazy sod.

I don't think people on here realise it's just not easy. Unless you have somewhere to go, money of your own in the bank and a good support network round you, leaving a partner is an incredibly tough thing to do, and nigh on impossible for some.

If I had to leave my DH, I'd be stuck. I have 2 kids, no family around and there are no shelters for about 50 miles. I also don't earn a lot although I do have savings. Luckily I have a very nice DH and a good marriage so hopefully it won't be happening!

notevernotnevernotnohow · 10/08/2017 00:43

I don't think people on here realise it's just not easy

Of course they do. Do you think they are picturing people just packing a case and walking out the door into a shiny new life? We aren't idiots, we are aware that people need money and housing and so on!

hiphopcat · 10/08/2017 00:44

@hatiecockpins

Personally, I found being alone and poor better than being partnered and miserable.

As the OP said, I never SAID stay in a miserable marriage; I said an AVERAGE one, where things are not brilliant but not bad. You rub along ok together most of the time, and get on ok. He grates on you sometimes and you grate on him, but you have a few laughs and share a few common interests. The passion isn't there like it used to be, but you are still friends, and care for each other, and have a good lifestyle together.

Yeah I would rather have that, than be living a life below the poverty line, struggling to make ends meet, having to use food banks, having to borrow off parents to pay my electric and gas bill, having to work at every available opportunity (probably for minimum pay!) to put food on the table, having to tell my kids they can't have jack shit because I have a £1.50 surplus income every week, and having to have a day trip to Borth as my annual holiday.

Good for you though, if you'd rather be single and poor. Give yourself a strong pat on the back!

As has been said, LTB is trotted out on here a LOT, and often for very trivial and 'repairable' things. And as I said, I don't believe for a minute that the women who spout it have EVER left a man.

hiphopcat · 10/08/2017 00:47

@notevernotnevernotnohow

Of course they do. Do you think they are picturing people just packing a case and walking out the door into a shiny new life? We aren't idiots, we are aware that people need money and housing and so on!

Are you actually serious?! Some people spout LTB with such regularity that I think they DO think it's this easy!

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 10/08/2017 00:47

I didn't mean this thread, I meant in general and judging by the amount of advice to "LTB now", yes I'm going to assume that people think it's easy to pack up and leave that very day.

Of course people shouldn't stay in unhappy marriages, but I think the OP is trying to say people sometimes use it as a 'go to' piece of advice when there's more realistic options.

hiphopcat · 10/08/2017 00:52

And some women don't always 'stay for the children' as some have been saying. Some women stay to maintain their lifestyle, to not be living in poverty, to keep their current home, and their social life and family life, and so as not to upset the status quo.

A surprising amount of women do this, and in their opinion, staying in a marriage that's past its sell-by date, but isn't a bad marriage, is preferable to leaving and turning everyone's lives upside down, just because their husband has been a bit of a dick that week with his moaning and bitching. As long as there is no violence or anything really bad going on, many women will stay.

notevernotnevernotnohow · 10/08/2017 00:54

I think you're taking it all a bit literally. Often when people say LTB they are just emphasising that its a bad scenario. Or often they are just shocked.

Some of the stories I read on here have me mentally screeching "OMG, how can you live with that? Thats fucking appalling!", and if that scenario happened to me I can't imagine not wanting to get out if it. I don't tend to say LTB, but I think often that is what people really mean.
They don't actually mean stand up now and walk out the door into the night!

Judydreamsofhorses · 10/08/2017 00:55

I often say to my partner "Mumsnet would say LTB" when he doesn't bring in the bins or leaves a plate lying on the side rather than put it in the dishwasher.

hiphopcat · 10/08/2017 00:57

Some of the stories I read on here have me mentally screeching "OMG, how can you live with that? Thats fucking appalling!", and if that scenario happened to me I can't imagine not wanting to get out if it. I don't tend to say LTB, but I think often that is what people really mean.

They don't actually mean stand up now and walk out the door into the night!

Actually, you're wrong. Some people on here have actually said 'LEAVE NOW.' And 'Do you have somewhere you can go tonight?' I have actually seen people say that, and mean it.

And yes I do 'take it literally' because people MEAN it literally.

EveryDayANewName · 10/08/2017 01:00

Since joining Mumsnet I'm far more inclined to think LTB than I was before. I've come to realize that there are a lot of really crappy relationships out there that can't be fixed.

Generally posters don't advise LTB unless it's really serious.

notevernotnevernotnohow · 10/08/2017 01:00

Some people on here have actually said 'LEAVE NOW.' And 'Do you have somewhere you can go tonight?' I have actually seen people say that, and mean it

In an abusive and unsafe situation, yes. And nothing wrong with that. But you're making out people say it for inconsequential reasons, and I simply don't believe you.

Oswin · 10/08/2017 01:01

You don't think people who say ltb have ever left a man? Wtf?

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 10/08/2017 01:03

I think you're taking it all a bit literally. Often when people say LTB they are just emphasising that its a bad scenario. Or often they are just shocked

Well they should then say "that's bad" or "I'm shocked" rather than "leave your partner and turn your life upside down". TBH if people are using LTB in that context then they really aren't well equipped to give advice, and it just proves the point that it's overused if people don't actually mean "leave him".

I've seen LTB used in cases of abuse, I've said it once when a poster was being sexually harassed by her DH to the point where she put her hand between her legs when she went to sleep at night.

I've also seen it be used because someone's partner wants to go on a stag do abroad. To me it's very unthinking to tell a woman to leave her OH based on one reconcilable grievance and I don't know what these posters think they're achieving by giving that advice, other than scaring the OP!

HelenaDove · 10/08/2017 01:04

coconutella why do you think its better to stay?

Kursk · 10/08/2017 01:08

I do see it on here a lot, personally OP I agree with you. LTB is something that I don't think I would ever consider. We made a commitment when we got married and we will see it through.

HelenaDove · 10/08/2017 01:12

"I've also seen it be used because someone's partner wants to go on a stag do abroad"

And on a lot of those threads it usually comes out that the OP has far less leisure time than the DH or that a family holiday is being sacrificed to pay for the stag.

notevernotnevernotnohow · 10/08/2017 01:13

Well they should then say "that's bad" or "I'm shocked" rather than "leave your partner and turn your life upside down

If you want people to be more literal you might start with yourself, because nobody says that either!

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 10/08/2017 01:16

I'm exaggerating for effect, not giving life altering advice.

If people say LTB when they mean "I'm shocked" then frankly they're a total idiot.

notevernotnevernotnohow · 10/08/2017 01:18

If people say LTB when they mean "I'm shocked" then frankly they're a total idiot

That wasn't really what my post was saying, but ok, you seem to have some serious issues about this.

Out of the millions of posts of mostly utter shite on here, it seems odd to focus on this, but whatever lights your candle.

VestalVirgin · 10/08/2017 01:18

I opened this thread thinking that it was going to be discussing the financial hurdles of leaving someone but no...

Yeah, "It is not so easy to leave" is a valid point.

But "Nooo, you must work, work, work to save the relationship with a man who has no respect for you" ... nope. Saddle the nopetopus:

captainawkwarddotcom.files.wordpress.com/2015/04/ridenopetepus.gif

Women invest far too much emotional labour in making relationships work, if you ask me.

True, I never left a man for ... well, anything at all, actually. I am so picky I never got involved with a dude. I am aware it is hard - emotionally - to leave someone you invested lots of emotional energy in. That's why I am choosy before investing.

Still doesn't change my objective opinion.

Don't think it does any harm to tell a woman to leave her dude. She won't do it if he truly is sooo wonderful, just because some random stranger on the internet said it.

But if he's really rather horrid, she might feel encouraged enough by a random strangers validation of her feelings to leave.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/08/2017 01:22

That may be a misdemeanor to you, but it's a felony for me. Well said, @notevernotnevernotnohow.

Some things (treating women like objects, what I consider cheating, encouraging a trade that harms women etc.) are important to me and may not be important to the OP concerned. If I say, "I'd LTB" I don't mean, "and you should" I mean, "I'd LTB". She can make her choices based on her experience, her relationship and her agreements with her DP.