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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'm not actually ungrateful.

142 replies

AragornsManlyStubble · 09/08/2017 11:28

Ok, my birthday was a week ago. My 29th, so nothing spectacular. DP and I also have 10 week old DS and my 3 from a previous marriage so money is tightish but he's had time to plan. He got me two candles. Now I love candles, but these ones were £3 ones from Morrisons. The grand total of £6. He grabbed the first two he could find on his lunch break. My present last year was a necklace ( which despite having one I'd worn since I was 16 I haven't taken off since.) It cost around £7. I spent nearly £300 last year on a watch and a game for him because we were shopping and that's what he wanted. Am I ungrateful to feel let down? He's currently sulking in the living room because I've made him feel bad apparently.

OP posts:
Original poster
AragornsManlyStubble · 09/08/2017 11:29

This came up because he's buying himself clothes and asked if I wanted anything. I asked if it would be a belated present or if I would be paying for it.

OP posts:
BadlyParkedRangeRover · 09/08/2017 11:32

I think YANBU.
Deodorant and a pair of socks for him next time. Meanwhile take yourself out for a nice lunch.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 09/08/2017 11:35

YANBU. However just to warn you. Someone will probably be trotting along soon. To tell you you're behaving like an entitled princess

Happytobefree17 · 09/08/2017 11:36

Sorry, did I just read that right? You spent £300 on a watch and game for him? And he bought you 2 Morrison's candles? And he's sulking?

Wow. Have my first LTB

SpottedGingham · 09/08/2017 11:37

You'll have someone demanding a) why you want to celebrate your birthday because they're for children only and b) isn't it family money anyway

demirose87 · 09/08/2017 11:37

No you're not ungrateful, it's not about the amount of money he spent really, but it sounds like he's put minimal thought into it. My ex partner a few years ago told me he was getting me my favourite perfume and made me think he'd got me it, and it turned out to be a box of Radox shower gel. So I know how you feel. I'd stop buying him expensive gifts, it's a bit cheeky he tells you what he wants and its the value of £300 and then gets you something crap in return. But sometimes men don't have a clue what to buy, so you could give him subtle hints or just tell him what you want.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 09/08/2017 11:38

LTB. ?
Im not sure she needs to go that far, over a candleConfused

Original poster
AragornsManlyStubble · 09/08/2017 11:40

That's ok, I want honesty. If I'am a princess I'll relinquish my tiara gracefully!

He had been going on about a watch but only wanted a certain type of one when we went shopping. And then asked for a game too. I had been planning to take him away just before my birthday ( bit too expensive now after a few bills but spent ages researching) and just feel quite low that the only effort he made was go to a different aisle in Morrisons.

OP posts:
TheLegendOfBeans · 09/08/2017 11:42

Expectation management on both sides i would say...

YANBU. But for the love of god STOPPPPP spending mega bucks on his present. And take this opportunity to say "yes, whilst you're online shopping I'll have [insert thing here]".

I don't think people should get away with being "shite at presents" as a get out of jail free pass. But even with the best present giver some steering may be required.

And don't ever ask him "what he wants for his birthday" whilst actually out shopping. £300 is a piss take.

TheLegendOfBeans · 09/08/2017 11:42

Plus:

Candles are bollocks.

Travis1 · 09/08/2017 11:44

YANBU at all. I value thought more than what is spent but there was quite clearly neither from him. Leave him to his sulk, he's probably sulking because he knows you are right.

Original poster
AragornsManlyStubble · 09/08/2017 11:45

He knows me well enough to know there's so much he could get me, that's inexpensive but shows he's made an effort. He's not shite at presents at all. I genuinely thought that this year he would actually think of something personal.

OP posts:
dudsville · 09/08/2017 11:45

I agree with pp who says he gets socks from now on. Some people just aren't thoughtful in that way and if he's great in other ways then you may consider just lowering this standard. Fwiw I would have been disappointed too.

meltingmarshmallows · 09/08/2017 11:46

YANBU. I think it's the lack of thought though. If he truly couldn't afford more than £6, he could have done a meal for you and made it a really special evening. Or saved up. It just seems a bit thoughtless so I can see why you would feel disappointed.

EssentialHummus · 09/08/2017 11:48

I'd leave it a little while to cool off, but then sit down with him to discuss - 1) candles aren't a very personal present esp from Morrisons and you're disappointed that he didn't seem to put any thought into this; 2) would he like to set some budget for gifts, because this year you spent £x and you're getting upset at the disparity in spending.

EssentialHummus · 09/08/2017 11:48

YANBU, in short!

TheLegendOfBeans · 09/08/2017 11:49

Brace for impact for your thirtieth then Aragorn.

A birthday that ends in a zero needs the attention it deserves.

He's got 51 weeks to get with the program.

Meanwhile, jump on his online order and bloody treat yourself. Lord knows you just need it with a wee 10week old x

LoyaltyAndLobster · 09/08/2017 11:50

YANBU

XJerseyGirlX · 09/08/2017 11:51

OP, if he has a history of buying crap presents then what made you think he would be different this year.

LTB is a bit strong :-) but I would definitely let him know he will be getting shitty presents off you until he can sort out his "crappy present issue"

Your not being a princess OP, 2 candles would disappoint me too. If he was skint he could have cooked for you or something .

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 09/08/2017 11:51

I would be disappointed. I love buying presents for people; it's one of my main joys in life. Luckily, DP knows what presents I would like and does put in the effort for me. He will put effort in for others if I ask him to but mostly leaves it to me though.

Did you explain to him that it's the lack of thought put in, not the amount spent that has upset you?

sunchild77 · 09/08/2017 11:55

I was 40 last Friday. DH got me nothing at all. To be fair we were on Holiday, a nice one at that. But still. My folks got me something 'from the kids. I'm feeling hard done by. He is a lovely boy and I've no doubt that he loves me etc. But I'm actually gutted. I managed until Sunday when I got upset and told hi. I was hurt etc. He said he was sorry and shite at presents etc. Them he told me to go buy myself something. Meh!

Original poster
AragornsManlyStubble · 09/08/2017 11:56

He cooked for the kids and himself at lunchtime. I did dinner as it was my daughter's birthday too and she wanted something special. After lunch he had a bath. I looked after the kids.

OP posts:
ClopySow · 09/08/2017 11:56

He's currently sulking in the living room because I've made him feel bad apparently

No he's not. He's sulking because he feels shitty and doesn't want to take responsibility for it.

Let him sulk and buy him 2 candles for his next birthday.

Bluntness100 · 09/08/2017 11:57

Wow. How selfish is he? He wants expensive gifts from you, adds a game in on top of his watch, can buy himself clothes, and buys you a cheapo necklace or some crappy supermarket candles.

And now he's sulking like a child because you made him feel bad? Too right he should feel bad. What a selfish, tight, grabby bastard. If you want to stay with him, set a limit of ten pounds per birthday because you know he's not going to spend more than that on you.

ClopySow · 09/08/2017 11:57

You're making him sound worse with every post.