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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I'm not actually ungrateful.

142 replies

AragornsManlyStubble · 09/08/2017 11:28

Ok, my birthday was a week ago. My 29th, so nothing spectacular. DP and I also have 10 week old DS and my 3 from a previous marriage so money is tightish but he's had time to plan. He got me two candles. Now I love candles, but these ones were £3 ones from Morrisons. The grand total of £6. He grabbed the first two he could find on his lunch break. My present last year was a necklace ( which despite having one I'd worn since I was 16 I haven't taken off since.) It cost around £7. I spent nearly £300 last year on a watch and a game for him because we were shopping and that's what he wanted. Am I ungrateful to feel let down? He's currently sulking in the living room because I've made him feel bad apparently.

OP posts:

Peanutbutterrules · 10/08/2017 00:23

That's not on...he knows how unequal that was and thoughtless and now he's playing the victim?

Well...he's unlikely to change unless you make it clear it's not on. Agree a budget spend per birthday. Even it out next year - tell him you get £300 for your birthday, and he gets £6. That's fair.

Italiangreyhound · 10/08/2017 00:27

You have nothing much to be grateful for here, £6 worth of candles!

(Candles are so dangerous and can cause fires! bin them and ask for him to get you something else.....

this maybe, just the £1,195.99

His sulking is the worst bit, he could have apolized and said hat he was so wrapped up in the baby (is it his first?) and offered to get something with more thought at a future (not too far off future) point.

It sounds like he has an attitude problem and there are other issues. Good luck with all this and congratulations on your new baby.

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/08/2017 00:29

"I am trying my best!"
"Hmm...I was afraid of that"

Time for a chat then. Firstly about being a whiney crap lazy cunt and then.....

A min/max spend for birthdays (whatever you feel happy with but say £50-75) and both set up an Amazon wishlist. Then he cant claim that he tried but...... because all the hard work has been done for both of you.

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/08/2017 00:35

Posted before I saw the post about the row.

I hope you used the line from a PP above

"Dont tell me you tried your best! You did the bare minimum that you thought I would expect and dont like that I called you on it" and perhaps chuck in a "You think that you deserve £300 plus for your birthday and I deserve £6 for mine, pretty much sums up how you feel about me doesnt it?!"

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/08/2017 00:36

accept, not expect

Wubsally · 10/08/2017 03:27

Yanbu.
He should have straightened his face, made you dinner and run you a nice bath while he dealt with the kids.

I agree that its not necessarily about the money but something thoughtful. While ago hubby n I were mega skint (didnt think id even get card) an he used his last 8 quid to bring me home chips n gravy, chocolate cake and ice cream from my fave take away 😂 i loved it!

Now we have a set amount that we agree on for bday and xmas and we both tell the other if theres something we've seen or would like, several things so it gives us each some options. Maybe worth a go?.

SilverBirchTree · 10/08/2017 04:28

OP, is be annoyed as well. YANBU

Is he great in other ways? Google 'the five love languages' it's a theory about how people express and perceive love in really different ways. Some people don't see gifts as meaningful, and express love through their words or acts of service or some other way instead.

It sounds naff but I got a lot out of it

waitingforthewaterwars2 · 10/08/2017 05:14

YANBU at all.
And the fact that he made no change to his behaviour, on the day and is now being all petulant is just bollocks. I'd have asked him where the rest of my present was.
My DH when we were dating got me a CD for a mutual favourite band. He copied it first, and kept the t-shirt. I found out. I light heartedly throw it in his face with regularity over 20 years later.
He took training to deal with birthdays and gifts properly .To get there, I completely absented myself of all responsibility on my birthday ( still do), no cooking , cleaning or getting up and told him I would be doing so. He is also welcome to do the same on his. He is rubbish at shopping unless its machinery related, so I give him a list of options or tell him to get me a gift card for something specific.
I'm sorry you had a fight, but this type of crap nags away at you and is like a canker. You really start to feel hard done by if it happens repeatedly . So best to have a row about it to clear the air.

And buy him socks. For Christmas as well.

corythatwas · 10/08/2017 07:00

"Tell him you need to agree on a budget and a birthday shopping trip for both of you, so neither of you get upset next time..chaps like a solution based responses rather than a deeply emotional analytical conversations...they just want to fix things and feel better. It's how they are wired differently from us wonderwomen."

Could anyone explain to me why every marital conversation has to be run along the lines of what the "chaps" are comfortable with rather than in a manner that suits the woman (assuming that these ideas are indeed true). You see this a lot on MN: you have to talk in this way, explain it in that way, set things out like this, because that's the way a Man's mind works. The underlying assumption being that it's the woman's job to adapt to the man and make him feel comfortable, not the other way round.

Anxietyreallyblows · 10/08/2017 20:39

Yanbu and I'd return the favour on his birthday and at Christmas. Seeing posts like this I often wonder if OPs do do less for their useless DPs next time around.

Original poster

AragornsManlyStubble · 11/08/2017 08:14

Ok major row followed this post where I got a lot of 'poor me' responses to me challenging his 'I've done my best' stance. Told him it wasn't good enough and I wasn't going to stand for such an imbalance. So after a couple of hours of back and forth he admitted he hadn't made much (read any!) effort and agreed he would make more of a one in the future. Then bought me three Yankee candles as a belated ' happy birthday and sorry for the supermarket candles' present.

And asked me this morning if I'd like a nap this afternoon to recharge my batteries.

OP posts:

honeylulu · 11/08/2017 08:28

Well I'm glad he apologised but ... more fucking candles?? What planet is he on?

CheshireChat · 11/08/2017 16:06

To be fair honeylulu, Aragorn has said she loves them.

How about you ask him for that nap and for him to sort out a nice dinner? Or arrange for you two to go out somewhere?

RhiWrites · 11/08/2017 16:35

Don't spend £300 on him next time. Give him something that costs as much as three medium nice and two shit candles.

sashimiyummies · 11/08/2017 17:00

If my oh got me 2 3 pound candles for my birthday it would be curtains, unless there was a major backstory like we were both homeless.

Polly85 · 11/08/2017 17:10

His next birthday present: socks, and a manicure for you

timeisnotaline · 11/08/2017 23:25

Good you stood up for yourself but there is a lot of progress to be made still. If birthdays are any example you regularly put way more thought and effort into the relationship which he takes absolutely for granted and doesn't bother returning.

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