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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'm not actually ungrateful.

142 replies

AragornsManlyStubble · 09/08/2017 11:28

Ok, my birthday was a week ago. My 29th, so nothing spectacular. DP and I also have 10 week old DS and my 3 from a previous marriage so money is tightish but he's had time to plan. He got me two candles. Now I love candles, but these ones were £3 ones from Morrisons. The grand total of £6. He grabbed the first two he could find on his lunch break. My present last year was a necklace ( which despite having one I'd worn since I was 16 I haven't taken off since.) It cost around £7. I spent nearly £300 last year on a watch and a game for him because we were shopping and that's what he wanted. Am I ungrateful to feel let down? He's currently sulking in the living room because I've made him feel bad apparently.

OP posts:
Gottagetmoving · 09/08/2017 12:58

I don't think the monetary value of a gift should matter, but the attitude of your DH is awful.
Doesn't sound like he gave it any thought at all so YANBU.

Sunshinelollypops · 09/08/2017 12:58

Did you tell him what you wanted? Some people are just not very good at buying gifts. He might also not see gifts as that important both giving and receiving and likes to show his love and appreciation for you in other ways. How do you know it he grabbed the first ones he could find? I'd take it on the chin and have a bit of a moan to my best friend about it, but really not worth ruining the day with an argument. Smile

Fabulousdahlink · 09/08/2017 13:00

Tell him you are glad he feels bad...because that shows he understands now that the gift made you upset...if he is upset that his gift did that...it means he cares..but just didnt quite hit the mark this time. It means he wants to get it right. Tell him you need to agree on a budget and a birthday shopping trip for both of you, so neither of you get upset next time..chaps like a solution based responses rather than a deeply emotional analytical conversations...they just want to fix things and feel better. It's how they are wired differently from us wonderwomen. Good luck !

Mamabear4180 · 09/08/2017 13:00

My ex boyfriend bought me some mug coasters one year. I was 22 Grin some men are just useless at present buying. I'm sure I'll get told its both genders but I do think women tend to be a bit more thoughtful in that way. He might actually prefer it if you ask him for a specific present, it sounds like he doesn't mind asking you! £300 on a partners birthday is a huge amount unless you're very well off!

Brighteyes27 · 09/08/2017 13:02

YANBU but word to the wise you will have to tell this man what you want and expect for your 40th birthday next year or you are likely to be disappointed again. Especially when everyone your age brags about doing x and y and receiving x and y.
In my book thought and effort are worth more than cost.
But I would tell him if he even thinks about getting you a candle in the future it must be as a token gift to go with your main present and you will be expecting Jo Malone or Neal's yard at the very least. And it's Morrisons socks and Morrison's own brand deodorant or a Morrisons own car sponge or car gift pack from now on for him OP.

Helendee · 09/08/2017 13:02

OP I really don't think he meant anything by not making an effort. I know that sounds as if I am making excuses for him but I truly think that men and women are very different beings from each other and we are often disappointed to find that the opposite sex doesn't necessarily feel and think as we do.
I would however tell him that you are disappointed at his lack of effort and that his behaviour leaves you feeling deflated and unspecial.
If he is a good partner and dad in other ways try to let his disorganisation become an irritant rather than a reason to leave him! I can't believe people suggest that lol.

grannytomine · 09/08/2017 13:06

Presents are such a source of angst. My family keep telling me I am a nightmare to buy for and they don't know what to get me and I end up with something I don't particularly want. I've told them so many times that what I love is Amazon vouchers as I love books and feel guilty about spending lots of money on them but if the money is sitting in my Amazon I can spend it without guilt. Will they listen? Will they hell.

You have my sympathy. Can you buy yourself something instead of spending alot of him?

HipsterHunter · 09/08/2017 13:08

He's currently sulking in the living room because I've made him feel bad apparently.

You made him feel bad? yeah, you are the bad guy. Its all your fault.

Classic.

SomeOtherFuckers · 09/08/2017 13:09

You're not being a princess ... not spending a lot of money doesn't mean it has to be thoughtless ... I'm sure if he'd made something you would've been thrilled. But he didn't ... he got you cheap candles

WalkingInTheAir13 · 09/08/2017 13:10

For his next birthday, buy him FOUR candles!

Or FORK HANDLES!

Flowers Sorry - just trying to make you smile Flowers

timeisnotaline · 09/08/2017 13:12

He's currently sulking in the living room because I've made him feel bad apparently

No he's not. He's sulking because he feels shitty and doesn't want to take responsibility for it.

This! YANBU. Make sure his socks are from Morrisons next bday. Or ordered with the online groceries. He asked you to spend £300 on him, and voluntarily spent £6 on you. I'd find something you love for £200-300 and tell him you love it. I assume he would be shocked and say he hasn't got the money which is a great starting point for 'how dare you assume I can afford to spend buckets on you and you don't have to put either time or money into me.'

Original poster
AragornsManlyStubble · 09/08/2017 13:13

In some form of defence against the watch/game. We'd had a very tough year, I'd put him through an awful lot and I wanted to treat him. I don't begrudge paying it at all ( even if he maybe took the piss a bit) and only mentioned it to demonstrate how different we must be in how we think in this matter.

He's still sulking because, I quote......he 'always gets it wrong', he's 'just shit at everything', 'I try my best and it's not good enough.'

OP posts:
sonjadog · 09/08/2017 13:19

I think he has been lazy here and he needs to get his act together, but I can also relate a bit to the "thoughtless" present buyer´s position. I am not a good present buyer. I grew up in a family where presents didn´t count - they were just something to give on certain days and the real showing of affection happened in other ways. My aunt on the other hand loves presents, spends months planning them and has a huge budget. She has enormous expectations of Christmas presents and will talk about how dissatisfied she is if she thinks people have not put in equal thought. I haven´t spent Christmas with her for year (and neither have several other family members), and one of the reasons why is that I can´t deal with these huge present expectations.

So I would say that yes, it is nice that you are putting thought into his present, but maybe you are putting in too much and it needs to be adjusted down, while maybe his needs to be adjusted up a bit? In other words, talk it over.

NotTheFordType · 09/08/2017 13:20

Ask him to explain in what way this was "trying his best." When did he start planning the purchase of your birthday present? How many brands of candle did he compare? Did he secretly look at the receipts for previous candles you've bought yourself? Did he use an online comparison site to get the best price? Did he post on forums asking for advice?

ZooLanePetCorner · 09/08/2017 13:23

lmao - he hasn't tried his best! You should point out that chucking a few candles in whilst shopping ain't anybody's best effort.

My DH has totally failed to buy me a present a few times, but he has trawled the shops for at least a few hours each time - he's very fussy and won't just buy me any old thing so I believed he really had.

Foslady · 09/08/2017 13:27

YANBU - I rarely got a card off chat mkI and mkII wasn't much better.

Between them for various gifts I have received money to buy a set of pans from Wilko's, a beige fleece hat, scarf and gloves set and a worktop oven.......

I'm crap at picking blokes!!!!!

AlmostAJillSandwich · 09/08/2017 13:29

Not unreasonable at all! I had a controlling abusive ex who deliberately bought me things he knew i would hate because i'd told him, but that would make him look outwardly like he was being thoughtful.
Specifically i told him i absolutely hated my birth stone and would not like any kind of jewelery with it in. This was discussed a few months prior to christmas as i bought a ring that was a birthstone one but NOT my birth month, and i explained to him why when showing a pic. He bought me the matching CHILDRENS argos birthstone necklace, but for my actual birth month not matching tbe month i bought, and it was broken. He also didnt wait for me to even say if i had opened it yet when we spoke that day (LDR) before just blurting 'its your birth stone".
The other time, im a MAJOR resident evil game fan (hence my username) and id bought myself the umbrella chronicles new game on the wii. I HATED it, played it once, told him how awful a game it was and no way would i be getting the sequel. Ofc he bought me the sequel for my birthday.

It was actually preferable when for my 21st he only got me a 99p card and left the sticker on, despite literally stealing £300 from me for his 23rd birthday present a few months before.

ThePants999 · 09/08/2017 13:31

Don't understand why anyone's saying to give him socks and deodorant. I'd be giving him the candles back. Half used.

StormTreader · 09/08/2017 13:39

'I try my best and it's not good enough.'

I have WAY less sympathy for him if hes trotting this twaddle out, what that usually means is "I did the minimum that I thought you would accept and I'm annoyed that I've been called on it." Can you imagine this kind of "my best" flying at work?

"X, the american clients are here, make sure they're entertained" "Oh, I'll just drop them off at McDonalds, I was going there anyway".

Hissy · 09/08/2017 13:42

I spent nearly £300 last year on a watch and a game for him

More fool you.

youarenotkiddingme · 09/08/2017 13:44

Presents don't need to cost £300 to be good.

Neither does a £6 present need to be crap.

Presents do need to be personal and well thought out imo or it's not a gift - it's more an object bought out of a sense of obligation.

rollonthesummer · 09/08/2017 13:44

He's still sulking because, I quote......he 'always gets it wrong', he's 'just shit at everything', 'I try my best and it's not good enough.'

Very passive aggressive there. He's been an arse, knows he's being an arse but is blaming you for his shortcomings.

You are not being unreasonable-he has been truly shitty.

SomeOtherFuckers · 09/08/2017 13:45

Eurgh I hate the pathetic playing the victim he's doing.

FreudianSlurp · 09/08/2017 13:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
AragornsManlyStubble · 09/08/2017 13:48

Good lord, there's way worse than my candles being given! Thank you everyone for understanding that it really isn't the candles or the money. Just that I really could've done with feeling a tiny teeny bit special on my birthday. That maybe he didn't have to have a lie in that day. Maybe he could've got up at 5 with me instead of the usual 9-10. Maybe I could've had a nice long bath, with some surprise lush bath bombs he knows I love. Instead of feeling down, lonely, very unspecial and covered baby vomit.

Baby gave me the gift of continuing to sleep through the night. Thank you DS!

OP posts:
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