Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'm not actually ungrateful.

142 replies

AragornsManlyStubble · 09/08/2017 11:28

Ok, my birthday was a week ago. My 29th, so nothing spectacular. DP and I also have 10 week old DS and my 3 from a previous marriage so money is tightish but he's had time to plan. He got me two candles. Now I love candles, but these ones were £3 ones from Morrisons. The grand total of £6. He grabbed the first two he could find on his lunch break. My present last year was a necklace ( which despite having one I'd worn since I was 16 I haven't taken off since.) It cost around £7. I spent nearly £300 last year on a watch and a game for him because we were shopping and that's what he wanted. Am I ungrateful to feel let down? He's currently sulking in the living room because I've made him feel bad apparently.

OP posts:
BanyanTree · 09/08/2017 13:50

My DH is bloody lovely but rubbish at presents. When it is my birthday or Christmas I show him what I want and he either goes and gets it or I tell him this is what I am buying myself out of our cash for my birthday. Usually it is a coat I want or a pair of boots.

Mumof56 · 09/08/2017 13:59

Maybe I could've had a nice long bath, with some surprise lush bath bombs he knows I love.

Are you sure he wouldn't have got the wrong scent of ones, like he did the candles?

Hmm
Penny4UrThoughts · 09/08/2017 14:02

I am not big into celebrating birthdays. I don't care if everyone forgets, it makes no difference to my day. Although I'm not in a relationship and I would want some acknowledgement of the day from a significant other if I had one.

But the blatant cheek of asking for £300 of stuff for his birthday and spending 5% of that on yours! No, YANBU at all in the slightest. Tell him next time he's getting soap.

Original poster
AragornsManlyStubble · 09/08/2017 14:05

Wow Mum. Are you my DP? For the record I never said I didn't like the scents. Just that in general I like to sniff candles first. Which he knows.

Also he knows that Lush are incapable of making a bath bomb I don't like. Because he's stood next to me as I've sniffed them all.

OP posts:
HeebieJeebies456 · 09/08/2017 14:13

For my 28th my then bf got me a 99p rip off version of a victoria sponge cake from the corner shop with a candle squished into the middle - not a birthday candle, but the one he used in the evenings! Angry
It was melting all over the cake too Angry

ZooLanePetCorner · 09/08/2017 14:18

yes mum because objecting to a massive disparity in effort, expense and care automatically means the bloke shouldn't bother at all...

eatabagofdicks · 09/08/2017 14:22

He slept in on your birthday while you got up at 5 to the baby? You have bigger problems than the candles. Tell him he needs to sort himself out. On a scale of 1-10 of husbands - 1 being fucking useless shit bastard prick selfish cunt husband and 10 being the perfect man - he's a 2.

Original poster
AragornsManlyStubble · 09/08/2017 14:29

He sleeps in every day he's not at work. I get up with the kids. Often end up sleeping in my son's bed at night. I wake him at 9. It genuinely doesn't bother me. I wake at that time no matter what so I might as well be up. I'm a morning person. It's only because it was my birthday that I would've quite liked the option of staying in bed!

OP posts:
Icecreammakesmehappy · 09/08/2017 14:57

Then you need to communicate that to him, if he refuses he is an arse but just being thoughtless is not an issue, it's annoying but people are wired differently and he probably 'just didn't think' yeah it's not great but doesn't mean your relationship has an issue, people on here calling him fucking useless shit are the ones with the issues Shock

brightlightceiling · 09/08/2017 15:05

Being shit at choosing a present is no excuse. My DH is shit at presents, he asks me if I would like to go out to dinner, choose jewellery together or have sonething else. I asked him what his budget was and chose to pick out jewellery together.

I would talk to him that the present buying makes you feel very unequal if he asks for 300 pound presents while he buys you a 6 pound one. It's not really about the present but it is about your feelings.

Original poster
AragornsManlyStubble · 09/08/2017 16:01

Well we've ended up in an almighty row. Candles just lit the flame.

OP posts:
randomer · 09/08/2017 16:14

mmmm its not just about the birthday is it

timeisnotaline · 09/08/2017 16:51

Bullshit At tried his best. I hate that phrase with a passion. It seems to be the goto for pathetic men who really mean I didn't realise I have to actually show I give a damn about you apart from the occasional I love you. do not accept that.

UtterlyFcked · 09/08/2017 19:03

Definitely not being unreasonable. My partner is useless at all special days and drives me absolutely fucking bonkers.

I am a very simple person (Grin) who is easily pleased. A small thoughtful thing for a fiver would suffice. Nope. It's always a "oh I'll give you £50 next week". Ive counted so many "next weeks" I will be a millionaire when it actually gets here Hmm meanwhile I get a list of unreasonable and unexpected gifts which I always buy, not sure why! Twat.

/rant Grin

OliviaBenson · 09/08/2017 19:05

Are you ok op?

To be honest if that's him trying his best you have big problems.

CheshireChat · 09/08/2017 20:10

Hope he realised he was a twat and has taken you out for a nice meal, but expect that's not the case.

RedDogsBeg · 09/08/2017 20:15

Oh dear, OP. I think row was inevitable based on his defensive and sulky behaviour.

InvisibleCities · 09/08/2017 20:25

This comes up all the time. Sadly, men get away with being thoughtless because "women love shopping for presents" and "men are useless at that". Also many women rarely treat themselves and their partners think they are just low maintenance.

Treat yourself to something really nice online. I wouldn't use the suggestion of buying him a pair of socks for his next birthday - he needs to raise his game, you shouldn't to lower yours to meet his, you'll both be miserable. Next time your birthday approaches be very specific - for instance tell him you'd like a Jo Malone hibiscus candle and a bluebell one (I don't know the scents!) and you want the large ones. Or a particular style of ring from William Welstead. After a couple of years he should get the picture.

InvisibleCities · 09/08/2017 20:26

Ah, I didn't see the update. I hope you're alright OP.

IDoDaChaCha · 09/08/2017 20:32

'I try my best and it's not good enough.' wow, if that's his best I'd hate to see what he produces when he's under par Hmm I had a similar situation with a friend whose birthday was a month before mine: took her out for afternoon tea followed by cocktails. Come my birthday the next month, she didn't even send me a text. I was furious. I wouldn't put up with that imbalance from a partner. The whole point of a partnership is fairness and he has failed that one completely.

Madwoman5 · 09/08/2017 23:51

I can feel a B&M solar powered gnome coming on for his next birthday.

LondonNicki · 09/08/2017 23:58

You're not a princess, that was a shot gift he got you.

LondonNicki · 09/08/2017 23:58

shit gift !

hiphopcat · 10/08/2017 00:01

YANBU.

CANDLES for a birthday present? I get these in the shopping. If DH got me this, I's buy him some shoe polish for his.

PersianCatLady · 10/08/2017 00:02

4 kids before the age of 29 is obviously a lot of expenditure so if cash is tight
He might be doing you all the best favour ever by not getting your family into debt.