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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'm not actually ungrateful.

142 replies

AragornsManlyStubble · 09/08/2017 11:28

Ok, my birthday was a week ago. My 29th, so nothing spectacular. DP and I also have 10 week old DS and my 3 from a previous marriage so money is tightish but he's had time to plan. He got me two candles. Now I love candles, but these ones were £3 ones from Morrisons. The grand total of £6. He grabbed the first two he could find on his lunch break. My present last year was a necklace ( which despite having one I'd worn since I was 16 I haven't taken off since.) It cost around £7. I spent nearly £300 last year on a watch and a game for him because we were shopping and that's what he wanted. Am I ungrateful to feel let down? He's currently sulking in the living room because I've made him feel bad apparently.

OP posts:
SheSaidHeSaid · 09/08/2017 11:58

It's not what he bough as such, more the fact there appears to have been no thought put in to it or it was an after thought. That's what would upset me.

I'd make a mental note and get him similarly thoughtful presents in future.

TheLegendOfBeans · 09/08/2017 11:58

@sunchild77

Them he told me to go buy myself something. Meh!

Fucking abdication of responsibility right there. Drives me utterly round the twist.

"Oh I love you but couldn't get my shit together to show you that via the medium of a birthday treat and now you're bugging my happiness I'll throw cash at the problem and let you do the legwork anyway".

Jeez.

Mumof56 · 09/08/2017 11:59

How is he otherwise with money. You say it's tight at the moment. Di rd he contribute much to the up keep of the household and stuff for your 3 children and the one you have together?

You say you like candles, so is the issue you spent more on him? If so, stop spending as much for his presents.

KimmySchmidt1 · 09/08/2017 11:59

TBH, it is hard to know without knowing how tight money is, and how stressed he might be about your spending (including on his own present).

4 kids before the age of 29 is obviously a lot of expenditure so if cash is tight and you borrowed the £300 to buy him a present then this might be his hamfisted way of sending a message to you that he is terrified of insolvency and spiralling debt. Many men are secretly terrified of debt, whereas women can kid themselves its all fine.

Equally if you have no debt and earn plenty of money together then he is just being thoughtless.

How did you pay for his present?

TheLegendOfBeans · 09/08/2017 11:59

Get him a shit in a box when it's his special day.

PNGirl · 09/08/2017 11:59

I hate people using the "I'm shit at presents" excuse. If they had no idea but could actually be bothered, they'd ask mum/sister/friend or even someone they work with what might go down well for a woman who likes a particular category.

YANBU and that watch now covers all of his presents for the next 25 years.

Bluntness100 · 09/08/2017 12:00

Money can't be that tight if he's buying himself clothes on line and asking her if she wants anything.

mummmy2017 · 09/08/2017 12:00

Tell him he gets an F for Effort, and to go out and come home with another plan. as your having a delayed Birthday like the Queen.

Thinks don't have to cost much, he could buy and cook you a candle lite dinner.

MaisyPops · 09/08/2017 12:02

YANBU for being disappointed with such a rubbish and poorly thought through gift.

But, I do wonder why you're spending a small fortune on his birthday if money is tight.

Bluntness100 · 09/08/2017 12:02

4 kids before the age of 29 is obviously a lot of expenditure

I don't understand what her age has to do with it? Four kids are a lot of expenditure at any age.

Mojomarm · 09/08/2017 12:03

Clearly it's the lack of effort that's the issue and that definitely needs discussing, but if he does try and pull the 'shit at buying presents' card tell him you'll setup an Amazon wishlist with present ideas on and he can choose something from that. Yes it takes away the surprise somewhat, but at least you'll get something you want and he has no excuse for getting naff all for your 30th. Maybe create one for his birthday too a few weeks beforehand with reasonably priced stuff he wants so you don't fall into the trap of getting extra pricey stuff for him when you're out shopping together.

hatsoncats · 09/08/2017 12:05

Buy yourself exactly what you wanted to the tune of £300.

I would then start getting £10 cashback when you do the shopping & put it away for extra treats, because he sure as hell isn't going to surprise you with any.

Original poster
AragornsManlyStubble · 09/08/2017 12:05

I paid for his using my own earnt money. I only work part time so it was most of a months wages.

legend of beans I love your suggestion!

We've just moved house. So yes things are tight but there was still a little disposable income. It really isn't the fact it was candles ( I do love them!), or the cost of things. It really is the lack of thought or effort. His beloved Liverpool poster ( which I hated!) got ripped in the move. So as a surprise I bought him a new one and told him he could put it anywhere in the house. Cost very little, made him feel good to know that I was willing to make that effort. That sort of thing is all I was after.

OP posts:
rightwhine · 09/08/2017 12:06

You need a good unemotional discussion about how you both treat present giving in the future so that you are fair but fulfill each other's expectations. Tell him that you'll let this year's, disappointment go but that in future you'll be really be upset if .... Acknowledge that things that are important to one may not be for the other but that you both need to think what's important to each other too.

This is easily resolved with good communication. If not then you have bigger problems than present giving.

2014newme · 09/08/2017 12:08

Yes it's crap and so is the sulking. Very unattractive childlike behaviour. I'd choose my own gift in future

Original poster
AragornsManlyStubble · 09/08/2017 12:08

Bluntness. He was using his catalogue for the clothes. We have mostly separate finances as in we have different bank accounts. So he pays certain bills including that one. I pay the household ones. We split the rent.

OP posts:
OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 09/08/2017 12:09

Umm , no Kimmy. He said he wanted the specific watch and then asked for a game. A sensible, but skint person cuts his cloth-a more affordable watch and not demanding a game. I too get fucked off with the "he/she is crap with presents for loved ones. It doesn't have to be expensive, just thoughtful.(and as someone who has 4 kids, works full time, it is nice to have someone thinking just about you for once)

Viviennemary · 09/08/2017 12:09

YANBU to be annoyed at his mean present. I always spell out exactly what I want. It's the only way. I'm not having money wasted on rubbish even if it is expensive. I don't usually bother getting him a present as he never wants anything. Unlike me who always wants something.

StormTreader · 09/08/2017 12:11

"We have mostly separate finances as in we have different bank accounts."

How is he with "his" money generally? Is he generous with it towards you in general or not?

YouTheCat · 09/08/2017 12:12

Definitely socks and a deodorant for his next birthday/Christmas.

WeAllHaveWings · 09/08/2017 12:14

While is always nice to get a thoughtful present, I'm not too bothered about birthdays but would be bothered about the imbalance.

Sounds like your dh wants spoiled on his birthday like a child would be but isnt willing to make the effort both ways. I wouldnt get too upset about it, but would be buying small gifts from now on so it's fair.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 09/08/2017 12:15

No YADNBU. I'd be fuming too. Has he always been such a tight bastard skinflint OP?

Original poster
AragornsManlyStubble · 09/08/2017 12:16

Once he's paid half the rent, his bills and and put aside money to get to work then there isn't much left. I do know that and really wasn't expecting or wanting piles of diamonds. It's more that I started thinking about his birthday 3 months in advance so I do something nice and he didn't even give it a hour's thought. TBH what he could have done for me wouldn't have a cost a penny, just his time and he still didn't do it.

OP posts:
Original poster
AragornsManlyStubble · 09/08/2017 12:17

His father is renowned for being quite tight with money, so I suppose my DP has picked up the same habit. I think it's just more that he's rather spend money on other things.

OP posts:
gingerbreadmam · 09/08/2017 12:17

Oh you have every right to be annoyed - jump in on the order and get yourself something nice then set some ground rules for future.

DP and i always set a rough limit when birthday and christmas present shopping, usually around £60 for birthday which is enough to get something decent and we either stick to it or go over which of course neither of us minds.

I know what you're saying about how it made you feel - about 4 years ago DP bought me a top i had asked for by a specific brand but in a colour i would never wear. It really upset me that he didn't know me well enough to know i wouldn't like it. Now that was silly (me).