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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if there is any couple out there who doesn't have this argument or a variation on it?

176 replies

moutonfou · 08/08/2017 19:29

He can't bear my 'nagging'. I ask how else I'm meant to communicate that I'd like him to do basic things like put empty packaging in the bin and rinse down the bath tub if it's full of hair.

Does anyone ever win? Does it ever end?

OP posts:
BeyondThePage · 09/08/2017 10:22

We both just do stuff that needs doing, when it needs doing, so no we don't have that argument ever.

(Always seems a bit one sided on here that the DH is lazy and needs telling. )

hungryhass · 09/08/2017 10:23

I don't live with my OH yet but I don't think it would bother me. Im like Monica from friends - I love to clean and would probably go back over what he did as I have OCD lol!

HighlyCompetentExWife · 09/08/2017 10:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anatidae · 09/08/2017 10:57

I don't live with my OH yet but I don't think it would bother me. Im like Monica from friends - I love to clean and would probably go back over what he did as I have OCD lol!

Think carefully about that though. You may not mind cleaning (in which case you're welcome round at mine.. 😂) but the root of this issue isn't cleaning. It's respect for the other person, misogyny, laziness, refusal to see the other person as someone who is an equal not a servant/skivvy.

So you may be happy cleaning, but would you be happy with a man who doesn't respect you. Who thinks the domestic sphere is women's work? Because that's not just cleaning, it's being arsed to do all the domestic admin, like insurance, DIY, the gardening, maintenance etc. It's doing equal child wrangling.

If your partner respects you so little he sees you as a skivvy then he's unlikely to be an involved, equal parent. He more likely to be one of those who moan about 'babysitting' their own kids

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 09/08/2017 10:58

Lol, we have that one a lot. Been together almost fifteen years though so I should know better by now.

Sayhellotothemoomoos · 09/08/2017 11:01

Highlycompetentexwife what is your ex husband like now?

What puzzles me about all these men who don't see mess and dirt is, what would they do if they didn't have wives to be their maids? Would they live in filth? Would they let their children live in filth?

RoboticSealpup · 09/08/2017 11:03

No we don't. He does his share of everything without being asked. Maybe it helps that we have separate tasks. He cooks all the food and deals with the kitchen stuff and I do most of the other stuff.

FindoGask · 09/08/2017 11:11

We don't have that argument exactly BUT there are things that are important to one of us that aren't to the other, leading to frustration.

He:
-doesn't rinse recycling to my satisfaction
-doesn't wash glassware in hot enough water
-doesn't put the pans away in the cupboard in the exact places I like them to be
-leaves little piles of upstairs items at the bottom of the stairs

I:
-regularly forget to hang the bathmat up after my shower
-don't rinse my toothbrush thoroughly enough so sometimes bits of toothpaste get on the shelf
-forget to put the empty roll in the recycling when I replace the looroll
-don't put shoes back downstairs in the shoe rack when I take them off in the bedroom.

ThatGirl82 · 09/08/2017 11:17

Never. My partner is clean and tidy, perhaps slightly more so than me. I couldn't be with someone who would happily leave a mess behind him.

Failbydefault · 09/08/2017 11:22

But what if your partner really doesn't mind the house being untidy, the bath dirty, etc, etc. My ex DH used to say I was the only one who wanted a clean house so I should be the one to clean it. Or he'd say, I can hear you, I'm just not listening when I'd ask him to tidy up after himself. If I moaned about all the jobs I'd done, he'd just say, we'll don't do them then......It was infuriating! I tried to divide tasks up so I didn't have to keep asking him and he said I was sucking the joy from the relationship. I'm so much happier on my own, still doing all the cleaning but without the seething resentment!

Cloudyapples · 09/08/2017 11:27

Yes! I either moan too much or on the other end 'if you want me to do something you have to tell me as I'm not good at noticing things like the laundry'. Can't win!

Sayhellotothemoomoos · 09/08/2017 11:28

Well it depends doesn't it failbydefault my husband doesn't fold clothes the way I'd like, he doesn't load the dishwasher the way I'd like, doesn't make the bed in the way I like it. He doesn't do laundry the way I would.

However, there's a big difference between people's standards, such as the example below of not putting things in the cupboards just so, and just not doing things at all. Never cleaning anything up and just leaving shit and mess everywhere is unacceptable, I would argue that 99% of men would in fact clean up if their wives didn't pick up after them, because who wants to live (and let their children live) in a filthy shithole?

OoohSmooch · 09/08/2017 11:38

MyMiddleNameIsLaura that was a great link thank you!

scampimom · 09/08/2017 11:43

We have this "discussion" quite often (not really a row, more a protracted grumble every now and then) but it's DH nagging ME to do something. He does the hoovering, laundry, dishwasher stacking, emptying bins, all that. I unload the dishwasher occasionally and have to be nagged into doing that. If I had my way I'd just live out of the dishwasher.

PuppyMonkey · 09/08/2017 11:47

Nope, we don't have this argument, just share it all out or do what needs to be done as it needs to be done.

We have lots of arguments about other stuff if that helps. Grin

Heartofglass12345 · 09/08/2017 11:51

It wouldnt sound like nagging if he opened his eyes, noticed it needed doing and did it without you even having to mention it 😊

Kailoer · 09/08/2017 12:12

The only real problem that exists in these situations is if a couple has a genuine, real discrepancy between what 1 person thinks of as "clean/tidy" vs the other one.

in 90% of cases it's more simple than that - a lack of respect and partnership with the couple involved

that's my take on it, anyway (based on my experience/friends/relatives)

it's not a cleanliness or nagging problem

it's a respect/teamwork problem

Expat38matt · 10/08/2017 01:33

We've had a broken motorized "toy" on our drive for three years. Three years!! Whenever I ask about it he says not to nag him as he's going to get it fixed up! It's turned into a bit of a joke now - I told him nagging would be 3 weeks not 3 years !!
It's been there so long that the wheels of the stand it is on have melted into the drive ffs !!
Anyone that comes over I ask if they want it ha ha

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/08/2017 02:18

Dont ask and you didnt tell him it needed to be done.

Ask once and get ignored.

Ask twice and you are nagging.

I agree with turning it around. Stop providing the basics without being "Nagged" and them him being bollocked for nagging you.

deliverdaniel · 10/08/2017 02:20

No- we don't really. He is definitely more on it with organizational/ administrative type things- often asks me to give him info for our taxes or other admin stuff and I put it off for ages which frustrates him. I probably do more tidying/ cleaning (or have a slightly higher standard.) But neither of us nags, and we both pitch in pretty equally or at least it evens out over the various jobs/ time, so neither of us feel taken advantage of.

Ecureuil · 10/08/2017 06:48

But what if your partner really doesn't mind the house being untidy, the bath dirty, etc, etc

I can't imagine ever being attracted to someone who was happy to live in filth.

londonrach · 10/08/2017 07:06

No other things yes. Think its a rare one op.

MaisyPops · 10/08/2017 07:43

Ecureuil
Tidy and clean are different things.
I can be quite messy, but I wouldn't live in filth because that's disgusting.

I probably couldn't be in a relationship with someone who likes everything 'just so' because it would just be a continual source of irritation because I'm happy with 'clean but a little mess' and they'd hate it. The assumption is always thay the messier person shifts their expectations towards the neater one, never that a neat freak needs to chill out because a pile of ironing isn't going to kill you.

But on the whole issues with 'nagging' are a respect issue rather than a different expectations issue.

Anatidae · 10/08/2017 08:05

Agree that tidy and clean are different.

I couldn't live in filth. I also would find it hard to live with the kind of person who gets twitchy if there's a used teacup left for half an hour. Dh and I are similar in this. We are clean, and we don't get too stressed about the odd toy here and there.

notquiteruralbliss · 10/08/2017 08:17

I work long hours and DH works PT from home. He genuinely doesn't give a shit if the house is a tip and will happily leave washing up for days as long as he has a mug for his coffee. I like to come home to some sort of order and a kitchen that I can cook in. Our solution was to buy in more help.