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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask if there is any couple out there who doesn't have this argument or a variation on it?

176 replies

moutonfou · 08/08/2017 19:29

He can't bear my 'nagging'. I ask how else I'm meant to communicate that I'd like him to do basic things like put empty packaging in the bin and rinse down the bath tub if it's full of hair.

Does anyone ever win? Does it ever end?

OP posts:
derxa · 08/08/2017 21:28

We never have that conversation. Dh is generally tidier than me.
Yes and we have a cleaner

early30smum · 08/08/2017 21:30

At least once a day. Hmm I just don't think he sees the mess/jobs etc that need sorting. Reminds me of that Facebook post, if a husband says he will do something, he will. No need to remind him about it every 6 months.

lelapaletute · 08/08/2017 21:34

My DP is the tidy one, I'm the dust-blind scruffbag - he however doesn't ask me to do anything, just whisks around doing everything himself until I feel mortified and start eyeballing the place trying to imagine which totally unnecessary job he might be about to do next and get to it before him Blush

Hooooowever: any man who ever accused me of 'nagging' would be on very thin ice indeed. It is a gendered insult with a huge amount of cultural baggage designed to shut woken up. My DP used it once in anger in the car whilst navigating a tricky bit of road (I was giving my opinion from the back seat about how fast he was driving, he was finding this distracting at a moment he did not appreciate being distracted) - and as soon as we were out of trouble I made him pull over and wouldn't continue the journey until he apologized.

Never mind the cleaning etc - for that you probably need to agree some baseline "what are acceptable standards" you can both compromise on and then uphold, and then whatever you want in excess of that for perfection just get on with yourself. But does he respect you? Make him understand that trying to shut you up with gendered abusive language rather than justifying himself or engaging with you is disrespectful and lazy.

thegirlupnorth · 08/08/2017 21:34

No we don't thankfully.

Anatidae · 08/08/2017 21:35

No we don't. Dh cleans as needed. So do I. If something specific needs doing whichever one of us has time will do it while the other distracts the toddler. If I ask him to do something he does it, and vice versa. Tonight he. Leaned the kitchen and took the bins out/tidied a bit while I put ds to bed. Tomorrow he's on bedtime duty and I'll clean up,

Perhaps point out to him that being a manchild casts you in the role of his mother, not his equal partner, and that's about the least sexy thing ever? These seemingly trivial things are actually corrosive when repeated over years - I'm convinced the bulk of divorces are due to this rather than 'big' betrayals.

Pigface1 · 08/08/2017 21:36

Yes. All the time.

I find it very frustrating because in virtually every way he's a wonderful husband - he's kind, affectionate, intelligent, funny, respectful and patient. But this? Awful. He will not lift a finger around the house unless asked. Any repeat asking is 'nagging'.

I think it's because my MIL was a SAHM all his life and was (is) also a insane clean freak and germophobe who followed (follows) him around picking up after him. When we stay with them she runs into our bedroom when he gets in the shower and makes the bed, opens the window, tidies the room etc. She's always done it. So I think it's largely due to that.

But he is a pretty intelligent person so why he hasn't worked out that he now lives with his wife not his mum and his wife works full time and even if she didn't she wouldn't be prepared to tidy up after him I don't know.

Gazelda · 08/08/2017 21:40

We don't. It helps that we both have similar standards and expectations, and both do things as we see them needing doing.

Anatidae · 08/08/2017 21:44

I'd also say that it's important to have similar standards. Dh and I are clean and hygienic but don't get stressed if there are toys lying around or a bit of mess. Neither of us would do well with a real obsessive tidier. Both are fine with kitchen/bathrooms cleaned daily and relaxed about mess (but not dirt.)

youhavetobekidding · 08/08/2017 21:45

Loser of rock sissor paper has to do whatever task. Works for us

Ha, we do that too! I don't like that I'm usually the first to notice that something needs to be done, but it's a quick & fair way to agree who'll do it

Littlecaf · 08/08/2017 22:00

We don't argue about household stuff/chores. But I think we are as clean & messy as each other. I come home from work and pick up the shoes/coat/socks from the floor almost everyday but without fail empties the bin in the bathroom & cleans the toothpaste mess off the bathroom mirror. I think that's fair. I don't nag him, he's doesn't nag me as we'd both have examples of the others behaviour to throw back at them!

JenTheSprtacusPuppy · 08/08/2017 22:24

L think it all depends on the mother that these men had growing up.

Why just the Mother though? I think husbands and Dads are equally responsible for teaching their children to be independent and clean their own shit away. If a Dad /husband is happy to sit around and be waited on by his wife then he's equally to blame if his son grows up expecting the same from women when he's also an adult. He's also equally responsible if his daughters grow up assuming it's their job to pick up after grown men as he's modelled that very behaviour too.

If we say it depends how the Mother is, there's an underlying assumption that raising dc and the imposing certain values for adulthood is the job of the woman. The very thing people on this thread are arguing against.

Nagging is used as insult to a person (often a woman) by the person (often a man) being asked to pitch in and do their share, because the person being asked doesn't want to it or thinks it shouldn't be their job.

I also believe men's eyesight can see dirt just as much a woman can, just that some men don't think certain things should be for them to do and therefore don't like being asked and probably hope calling the person asking a nag will stop them asking and that they'll pick up for them.

DH is often told he's 'under the thumb' if something comes out that he's done at home, he works on building sites so heavily male dominated, few weeks ago dh sandwich hadn't been cut in half properly and some of his filling fell out, a few of them told him to "get her told" and got a load of henpecked etc insults for making his own sarnies, he just replies "better than being the type of pathetic cunt who can't make a sandwich"

TheNightmanCometh · 08/08/2017 22:59

Nope.

I'd never be in a relationship with a man who used a misogynistic insult like that, nor who leaves a trail of shit for me to clean. And his mother loves nothing more than picking up after him, so it's not necessarily that that does it.

Voice0fReason · 08/08/2017 23:09

I'm with RJ. I married an adult who is more than capable of taking responsibility for household chores. I have never nagged him and he has never accused me of nagging him. That would be pretty crap.

CardsforKittens · 08/08/2017 23:15

No, we don't have that argument - probably because he knows that if he accused me of nagging there would be some fairly serious fallout. I also don't consider it my job to ask him repeatedly to do things, so we agree who's going to do what and then we get it done or say why we haven't. All reasons are ok, including "I just couldn't be arsed". Wouldn't use that one too often though.

WingsofNylon · 09/08/2017 07:41

I REALLY dislike it when people move the blame from the last man to his mother ffs! Once again making out that it isnt the poor mans fault. you need to get out of the pattern of making it another woman's fault! Didn't their farther have a role? Also arebt they adults who can now chose to act however they are fit?

It all depends on the mother Nope that thinking is part of your problem. Angry

My husbands mother did all the housework and doated on him. Regardless, when he became an adult he didn't expect anyone to do anything for him. He is grateful if/when I do. As I am for the things he does. The only reminding I do is if it is very obvious that he has forgotton and to not remind him would a mean. 'That tshirt you wanted to wear tomorrow is getting rained on outside' type of thing.

I do see people can slip into patterns but as soon as it is pointed out it should be changed. That what people who arent knobs do. I'm not as tidy as DH but he isnt as good at cooking. You know what happens? I make a conscious decision to tidy up a little more and he made an effort to learn to cook. We still mostly stick to what we are naturally good at but it is totally equal over all.

Stop marrying dicks.

NotTheCoolMum · 09/08/2017 07:45

Very well put OP.

It is torturous. Some good ideas for comebacks in the replies Grin

ethelfleda · 09/08/2017 07:46

Nope. Never have that argument to be honest... DH says I don't nag him enough but honestly, by the time I've noticed something needs doing he is usually already working on it (DIY wise I mean)
And if it's the smaller things like on occasion forgetting to rinse the bath, I just do it myself because I'm far from perfect and forget to lots of things that probably bug him. Life is too short to argue over stuff like that Smile

IrritatedUser1960 · 09/08/2017 07:49

No man would dare say that to me. They wouldn't live long.

AnnabelleLecter · 09/08/2017 08:02

Not a problem here either. We both get on with what needs doing. Helps that we both had our own houses when we met and had been living independently of servants/parents/cleaners for years.

Sayhellotothemoomoos · 09/08/2017 08:07

To read threads like these and some of the replies, I'd swear people were talking about children not their husbands.

How have we got to this in 2017? Why are women believing that fully grown able bodied adults can't see basic things that need doing?

Would you all want this for your daughters and daughter in laws?

coriliavijvaad · 09/08/2017 08:14

We don't either. Firstly because we are equals in our relationship and both take equal responsibility for chores so I don't "ask" him to do things and he doesn't "ask" me. We will set aside time for chores and discuss between us what most needs doing and split the work evenly. We are both generally unhappy with the level of mess and dirt we have to live with but accept that there is a limit to what can be achieved and both do our best.

And like a pp said:
any man who ever accused me of 'nagging' would be on very thin ice indeed. It is a gendered insult with a huge amount of cultural baggage designed to shut women up
^ this. The very use of the word nagging suggests to me that your DH is a sexist prick who thinks that the domestic sphere is basically your responsibility and any chores he may consent to do are due to his kindness to you rather than his responsibility as an adult.

Rubberduckies · 09/08/2017 08:20

Yes..... he says he genuinely doesn't see the hair in the sink or spills on the worktop!

He's pretty good really, and nags me for other things so we're probably close to even

HashiAsLarry · 09/08/2017 08:21

Oddly enough DH and I don't have this argument although I know I do nag him from time to time. I'm clearly lucky. Though he does occassionally nag me too, so we're pretty even.

ShaggyDogz · 09/08/2017 08:21

Saying you are nagging is like a form of gas lighting. He wants you to stop asking him to do something that he knows he should be doing. To get you to stop, he turns it around on you by saying you are nagging i.e. a moaner, a ball breaker and look what I have to put up with from her. She is on my back all the time, no man should have to put up with this.

Sayhellotothemoomoos · 09/08/2017 08:25

Ah and the classic "he's good really".

When would you ever hear a man say that?

"I'm lucky really, she's good, she usually picks up after herself".