Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

To ask if there is any couple out there who doesn't have this argument or a variation on it?

176 replies

moutonfou · 08/08/2017 19:29

He can't bear my 'nagging'. I ask how else I'm meant to communicate that I'd like him to do basic things like put empty packaging in the bin and rinse down the bath tub if it's full of hair.

Does anyone ever win? Does it ever end?

OP posts:

Betsyboo87 · 08/08/2017 20:47

Nope I've given up and do it myself. DM tells me I'm making a rod for my own back. I married him knowing his faults and he does have a winning smile which is my weakness lot of redeeming qualities.

AnnPerkins · 08/08/2017 20:48

Some posters on this thread talk about their partners the way I talk about my 8 year old. They are adults, why would they be any less physically able to see and do these basic tasks than you are?

Justaboy · 08/08/2017 20:51

Nope, but then my DH was well trained by the RAF to clean up after himself.

Simples! Bring back national service!.

Sorted:)

Witsender · 08/08/2017 20:51

We don't. He does his thing and I do mine. Whoever walks past something needing doing does it. If I am better to do it he asks me and vice versa.

wanderings · 08/08/2017 20:51

For my DH: he gladly does a lot of the nitty gritty things which I'm too lazy to do, he does all the cleaning, washing up, putting things away. But he has a lot of pride and doesn't like it if I ask in the "wrong" way. If I use an "urgent" tone of voice without good reason, he says it reminds him of being nagged by his mum, which he was glad to get away from. I could ask him to clean the entire house and he wouldn't mind at all, but heaven forbid that I should say urgently "have you changed the loo roll yet?". His reply to this would be "of course not, because you haven't asked me to". He would prefer "please change the loo roll".

He also objects to other phrases; if I say casually "I should have made you buy milk", he will then mutter "I should have asked you to buy milk"; he dislikes any talk of being "made" to do something, he says it implies nagging.

Macncheesewithbacon · 08/08/2017 20:53

Middlename - I love that cartoon- I have it stuck on the fridge

honeysucklejasmine · 08/08/2017 20:55

Nope, my husband came fully house-trained, like any other adult ought to be.

N0tNowBernard · 08/08/2017 20:55

I HATE the word "nagging", it's so unfair! If I say anything to my DH that he basically doesn't like the sound of, he says I'm nagging. Argh!! To me, nagging is if you are saying the same thing, over and over but I could say to DH just one time "Did you book x date off work?" As an example, and he'll say "stop nagging".

It's only ever used for women too! Men are capable of going on about things over and over but I never say that to them.

Btw, We share housework and childcare and we both work so he is not a "man child" that I have to care for.

timeisnotaline · 08/08/2017 20:56

I have pointed out I hate feeling like I'm nagging, and if he just did something when asked no repeat requests would be needed so I can only assume he enjoys me chasing after him for basic shit. Which is weird, bad for our marriage and I want it on the record that I HATE it.

youreawillja · 08/08/2017 20:56

I'll back you:yes! Despite MIL telling me that 'he wasn't brought up that way.' I'm training my DS now and bollocking him for his shit by pointing him out as an example. Sometimes it even works. We are fully grown adults - he wants to live in shit he can own it . I am NOT a servant!!

timeisnotaline · 08/08/2017 20:57

The point is that I would NEVER accept being accused of nagging.

NotTheFordType · 08/08/2017 20:57

I recently had this "conversation" with my DS age 22, who is supposed to be doing certain daily/weekly tasks in my house in order to earn his house-sitting fee.

I'm pretty sure we have ironed things out now (everything was spotless I when I got back from work last weekend) but I wouldn't expect to have this conversation with a grown-ass man.

aramintafatbottom · 08/08/2017 20:59

We have this argument sometimes and I partially blame him for being lazy and his parents and backwards ex for enabling him. His parents and ex very much believe women should do it all while men put their feet up i don't speak to them and they wonder why

Dp is much better than he used to be admittedly.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 08/08/2017 20:59

It's a very unsexy dynamic to play mummy telling him his chores.
Have a serious chat with him about how you feel . divide up the chores and standards and expectations then allow him to get on with it without comment

EchidnasPhone · 08/08/2017 21:04

We have those arguments! And it's not his fault he just forgets 😡 It's so disrespectful to me but no matter which way I phrase it I'm the bad guy because I don't want to trip over or tidy his crap.

Silverthorn · 08/08/2017 21:09

Nope. I remember my mum nagging and nagging my ddad to do things as soon as he had come in from work, while she sat watching corrie. So I don't talk to anyone like that.
Dh is generally quite good but won't register that the bathroom needs a clean or the floors need mopping because he has much lower standards than me. He'll clear the kitchen and empty the dishwasher but not wipe the worktops. He'll run a hoover over the floor though if he spots some mess. Does other stuff on his own i initiative and asks me to do other. Asking is the key rather than telling.

wanderings · 08/08/2017 21:10

Another conversation of ours often goes like this, perhaps when we both have a day off:
Me: "We ought to go shopping. We ought to drop off that parcel, we ought to see our friends, we ought to walk another friend's dog, we ought to get petrol..."
Him: "and we ought to spend some time enjoying ourselves."
He says I tend to think about duties far too much.

Nancy91 · 08/08/2017 21:11

I'm the one that gets nagged I always give the stop nagging speech, so it's not just women that nag!

Liara · 08/08/2017 21:12

No, we don't. We are both aware that each of us is doing everything they physically have the energy for, and that given that that energy is limited and we have a lot to do, a few things will fall through the cracks from time to time.

If there is something one of us really wants done, then whoever wants it done does it.

It probably wouldn't be the same if one of us was coasting, though.

dollydaydream114 · 08/08/2017 21:13

We honestly never have this argument. If we had to have conversations like that every week I don't think we'd actually be together. I know that sort of argument is the norm for some couples and they see it as part and parcel of a relationship, and fair enough if it doesn't bother them, but for me that sort of thing is unbearably wearing and depressing.

working925 · 08/08/2017 21:15

Nope - I'm just as bad if not worse!!

John4703 · 08/08/2017 21:17

TheMasterNotMargarita Tue 08-Aug-17 19:32:22
The response you need is "It wouldn't sound like nagging if you did it the first time I asked you fucking nicely".
I agree totally, I'm a man, I sometimes miss things but I do them if asked, I do them the first time I am asked and try to remember for the next time they need to be done (this has reminded me that I emptied the washing machine and have not hung it up to dry, I will do it right now, my DW did not ask me to do it I just know it needs to be done)

sweetbitter · 08/08/2017 21:20

The only thing I nag about is that he doesn't wash up properly after dinner, he leaves loads of things "soaking" and other random stuff on the counters not cleared away. I just point out the consequences and why it's so annoying without shouting or getting into nag mode, and it usually works for a while before another "reminder" is needed. Everything else he either does his fair share or I just learned to let it go a long time ago, ie mainly bed making. So to answer your original question, I'd say a mix of lowering your own standards to meet his, and then choosing the most important things to you to get him to feel bad about not doing.

Mellie1025 · 08/08/2017 21:22

OH MY GOD.

We have this argument all the time. He's a lazy shit and I'm soooo tired when I get home that i can barely get myself in the door. I work over an hour away from home and have to leave very early in the mornings so that I don't get stuck in traffic. I make all the lunches (excluding my own as I'm usually too tired by the time he gets lunch made, the 15 yrs gets something and the pain the in ass eight year old gets her "special lunch" because her mother caters to her and she eats nothing). I only ask that he feeds the dogs and takes out the trash and apparently even doing that is too hard so yes I get on his case and try to make sure it gets done. He calls it nagging and i call it "help out a little for fuck sake". I think it all depends on the mother that these men had growing up. My partner was treated like a little prince by his mother and was never made to do anything and if I hear one more time "that's not how my mother would do it", he might just go back and live with his mother and take his monster child with him. OH BOY, that sure did feel good to get off my chest... LOL Please know that you are not alone. There are other 40+ women out there in the same boat as you.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 08/08/2017 21:24

I used to with my ex husband. You could date women instead?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Swipe left for the next trending thread