To ask if there is any couple out there who doesn't have this argument or a variation on it?

[moutonfou]

He can't bear my 'nagging'. I ask how else I'm meant to communicate that I'd like him to do basic things like put empty packaging in the bin and rinse down the bath tub if it's full of hair.

Does anyone ever win? Does it ever end?

All.the.time. Help!

Yes blondie absolutely judgemental.

Set your bar higher. He's an adult.

I do apologise if he is visually impaired. If not of course he can ducking see the mess, he just regards it as Not His Job to clear up after himself as his time is more important than yours.

I judge him. I judge all of them.

Nope. We're both fairly good from a cleaning and seeing what needs to be done perspective.

Another that doesn't have that. DH isn't an over grown teenager.

Have you asked him why he doesn't realise these things need to be done without being nagged by you (like you are his Mum) to make him do them?

Frankly, I couldn't live with someone like this, but you clearly are ok with it enough to have settled down with him. No idea now how you make him not be an overgrown man child.

Ask him if he wants you to have a 'mother child' relationship or one of equals, if equals, then he can't expect you to run round after him cleaning up and reminding him to do "his chores".

Thanks MyMiddleName I've seen that and showed it to DH before!

In terms of what joy he brings, he's kind, funny, caring, on my wavelength. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship before and it's so so different.

But he's just a bit of a man child and I'm a bit of a perfectionist (in terms of tidying) and that element causes friction! I am inclined to agree with another poster who said he just doesn't notice the rubbish or the hairs. He has different standards to me and genuinely thinks he will 'get round to it' and doesn't understand why I want it tidied now

We don't, no. One time not long after moving in together when I lost it over the dishes piling up unwashed for the third night running, DH kind of went "...er...fair enough, see your point", and that's it.

I have no solutions, I had a relationship like this and I left it. Life got better.

You could try a rota. We use one because it makes sense now the DC are grown up. Even if he agrees to it and sticks to it though, it's still wifework sorting the rota.

Nope, never.

But then I'm not attracted to sexist arseholes, so I wouldn't set up home with one.

Nope. DH is an adult, capable of cleaning up after himself, if something needs doing I ask him or do it myself.

Kids get nagged, but they will be fully trained by the time they leave home. I hope think

Nah, I tell him to do it, he tends to do it. I only tell him to do it if it's his turn or his responsibility . That's the deal, we won't argue about the fact he hasn't done it and I'll just tell him, so instead of playing rhe " but you should know Martyr" I tell him, he gets on with it. Job done and very little discussion.

I think very very rarely he's suggested I'm nagging him but it's really not an experience he cares to repeat in a hurry.

Nope. We both share household tasks pretty much evenly without much discussion. We both have certain things we each do, it just came about naturally.

No, he'll never get round to it. He'll live with it until a woman removes it, or makes him do it.

How committed to each other are you? If you've only just started living together, then I'd rethink. If he can prove he's capable of keeping his own home clean, then I'd consider moving him back in.

he can't see the mess fuck my life i cannot believe women are still trotting out this bollocks.

PencilsInSpace has it spot on:

He calls it 'nagging' because he doesn't think any of the things you are asking him to do are important. He thinks rinsing his hairs off the bathtub and picking up after himself are beneath him. He thinks those are your jobs because you're beneath him and it's your job to pick up and clean after him. He doesn't respect you.

^^ this.

We used to. And it felt like it would go on forever. But we don't anymore.
What we did to stop it was assign zones in the house to each person. Once we worked out what was whose responsibility it took the heat out of the situation.

Once arrived home to DH cleaning the counter in the kitchen.
Sister was with me at the time and was praising him for doing the kitchen and how she wished her DH would do the same.
She left...
ME "What did you break?"
HIM" The coffee pot!"

Not here either & I wholeheartedly agree with RJ. Men only behave this way because women put up with it - drives me crazy. I once had a colleague tell me I was lucky that my husband pulled his weight & was 50/50 with all things DC related - I told her I wasn't a walkover who would accept anything other than an equal partnership & there was nothing about luck in that.

Magi I also thank my MiL daily for raising 3 boys who knew how to look after themselves. DH moved in with me when he was 41 and had never lived with a woman (other than his mother) before. Yes I thought it was weird as well, but in his words 'I'd never liked anyone enough to want to share that amount of space/time with them'. Fair enough!
So no, we never have this conversation. But then we both have the luxury of only working part time, so there's always time to get things done. I appreciate that some couples get very little free time.

I do and it does my head in. He doesn't seem to see what needs doing and if I don't ask it doesn't get done and I end up doing it all which is exhausting.

I know I should leave him to gain a sense of responsibility on his own and I may well be making it worse by taking on a 'parent' role but I don't know how to change this toxic dynamic

Also looking for help

Honestly I don't have to nag or ask more than once for him to do or not to do something as he understands what needs doing as part of a team.

The problem is not with the women nagging but the arseholes who don't keep to their end of the bargain and do what they're supposed to do.

My ex used to say I nagged him about things. When we were on the verge of spliting up, he asked me to 'remind him' if he wasn't doing something right or as we had agreed.
I told him no, I've already got my children, I really don't want another one.

We used to. And it felt like it would go on forever. But we don't anymore.
What we did to stop it was assign zones in the house to each person. Once we worked out what was whose responsibility it took the heat out of the situation. was get divorced.

I've been married and divorced twice - clearly a slow learner - and the only time I've had a tidy house is when I've lived on my own.

No we don't, he was raised by a strong woman, lived on his own before we got together and is perfectly capable of just getting on with the chores.

I can't imagine putting up with someone who didn't pull their weight around the home - I am not saying we share the chores equally 50/50 but I do nothing in the garden and in terms of who has more 'leisure time' - it is most certainly me .

No we don't have that one, but we have something similar - he always asks what jobs need doing in the house! Annoys me as no one ever tells me what needs doing - I just look and then do what I see e.g. if the carpet needs a vac etc

Nope. I am far messier and lazier than dh. And if he points this out, I accept his totally reasonable criticism.