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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if there is any couple out there who doesn't have this argument or a variation on it?

176 replies

moutonfou · 08/08/2017 19:29

He can't bear my 'nagging'. I ask how else I'm meant to communicate that I'd like him to do basic things like put empty packaging in the bin and rinse down the bath tub if it's full of hair.

Does anyone ever win? Does it ever end?

OP posts:
caffeinestream · 08/08/2017 20:01

Of course he's capable of seeing mess - he just doesn't give a shit. He's got two eyes and he's perfectly capable of realising that rubbish belongs in the bin and that hairs in the bath need rinsing and cleaning out.

I don't have this argument, because DP is capable of cleaning up after himself. He puts his rubbish in the bin, rinses the shower and does 50% of the cleaning and tidying. Because he's an adult and he knows that the cleaning fairy doesn't exist.

timshortfforthalia · 08/08/2017 20:01

Nope, but we both have very low standards

CoughLaughFart · 08/08/2017 20:01

But he's just a bit of a man child and I'm a bit of a perfectionist (in terms of tidying) and that element causes friction! I am inclined to agree with another poster who said he just doesn't notice the rubbish or the hairs. He has different standards to me and genuinely thinks he will 'get round to it' and doesn't understand why I want it tidied now

Is this the crux of the matter? It's one thing if he isn't doing his share; it's another if you want things done your way and just expect him to fall into line.

implantsandaDyson · 08/08/2017 20:03

Nope - we've never had an argument about household stuff either. Actually tell a lie, we did once when we first moved in together. We were in our late teens/very early 20s and a collection of cups sprouted up around the sofa one day. Actually it wasn't even an argument - I asked him had he hired a cleaner? and lo and behold he found the motivation to move. We've had rows over the past 20 odd years but not about that.

Urubu · 08/08/2017 20:07

We have this.
He complains I tell him what to do, I say if I don't he doesn't do it.
When he does something I can't stop myself telling him how to do it, he says I this is why he doesn't do things.
We agree that we are both 50/50 to blame, and DH agrees (when the argument has stopped).
Then repeat after a day/week/month.

dataandspot · 08/08/2017 20:07

Is it not like children who don't do it because they know someone else will?

Eolian · 08/08/2017 20:09

We never have that conversation. Dh is generally tidier than me.

SparklingBollox · 08/08/2017 20:11

Sort of, DP very rarely accuses me of nagging as he knows it really pisses me off.
We both have different priorities for different things, he is really fucking precious about how the dishwasher is loaded soils uppose you could say he nags me about that, I am more precious about general tidiness and dust. I don't nag though, I roll my eyes and make pa comments.

Wolfiefan · 08/08/2017 20:11

I too completely agree with pencils. Of course he can see the mess. Unless he has actual partial blindness.
He doesn't think it's important enough to him to bother about. It's your job.

rosietosey · 08/08/2017 20:13

I change beds and do washing/drying and (very little) ironing.

He does everything else. And I mean everything. That's fine by me.

Children all grown up and gone.

I love it. But I still nag ha ha. Because I can.

Giraffey1 · 08/08/2017 20:14

I dont nag, but I don't say anything. I always feel I shouldn't have to. I mean, doesn't he see that there's 2 days worth of washing up piled in the sink? That he has made a mess everywhere making his breakfast that needs cleaning up? That the drier needs unloading (don't ask me if it's ready for emptying, just open the door and feel. If the clothes are dry, you idiot)? That the stairs need hoovering? That the cat litter trays need refreshing? Etc etc .... And you don't have a job so it's not like you don't have time!

Why don't they see what needs to be done and just do it

Rufus27 · 08/08/2017 20:15

OP DP and I are just the same. I have learnt (over time) that if untidiness is his only fault, then I should be grateful. I genuinely dont think he 'sees' the mess that my eyes see. (Though weirdly, he'd spot a lose wire, unevenly framed picture or badly wired plug a mile off - something I'd never notice). Something that has really helped is simply writing a list of what I want him to do - 'any chance you can put the bins out and iron those three shirts while I'm at work?'. I used ot think I was being bossy/rude, but he seems to prefer it to me nagging or silently tutting!

pandarific · 08/08/2017 20:15

Luckily we're both as messy as each other, so we don't really have this argument.

mayhew · 08/08/2017 20:16

No. We agree we are equally responsible for the household and must show mutual respect. Though he is prone to "progress chasing" me. I ask him to put it in a memo.

Firesuit · 08/08/2017 20:18

He has different standards to me and genuinely thinks he will 'get round to it' and doesn't understand why I want it tidied now

Turn on the radio loud when he's watching TV or something. When he asks you to turn it down, tell him you will do it later. Some people need to learn that removing an irritation later is not a solution to a problem that exists now.

Serin · 08/08/2017 20:18

We all muck in with jobs at home but I admit that I do get frustrated with the way he ruins clothes.

He is a teacher and I have lost count of the times he has come home with holes in trousers where he fell over playing football with the kids at lunchtime.
Or got covered in Sharpie pen/chemicals from some spectacular experiment/ oil because he fixed someone's car/general muck because he rescued a seagull/dog etc.

He needs to wear Army kit not a suit.

PencilsInSpace · 08/08/2017 20:21

he just doesn't notice

If I go to a friend's house I don't notice the mess, even if it's getting to be a health or fire hazard. This is because it's not my responsibility. I don't have to give a shit about it because it's not my job to sort it out.

...

wrenika · 08/08/2017 20:22

I nag him about things and he nags me about things...cause nobody's perfect.

AccrualIntentions · 08/08/2017 20:24

We don't have this argument. He's a lot cleaner and tidier than I am. And we've been together a long time so have settled into my jobs and his jobs, which total about a 50/50 split. I probably wouldn't have married someone I felt I needed to nag to do basic things.

Hulder · 08/08/2017 20:25

We used to. I then had a painful and I felt embarrassing conversation with him suggested by my counsellor along the lines of I love you so much and what can we both do to look after the house as a team, it makes me unhappy when ... and so forth.

It felt mindnumbing. However things got better after that.

also he isn't a misogynist and we both have low standards

BannedFromNarnia · 08/08/2017 20:25

We don't. I don't ask him to do anything because I'm not his mother or his fucking housekeeper. Shit gets done because we're both grown adults who don't want to live in a hole.

We have discussions e.g. "can you do the bathroom while I do the kitchen" but either of us could say that, it's not a thing where I organise the house and he does what I tell him.

It does help that we have a very similar standard we expect the house to be at. But what helps most is that I wouldn't ever have stayed with/married a baby who couldn't pick up after himself.

DoveOfPiss · 08/08/2017 20:26

I can remember feeling very pleased with myself the first time I stayed at my new DPs flat. Had a shower and pulled all of my hair out of the plug hole and in the bin before leaving the bathroom Halo

Turns out his exGF always used to leave hers in their one at their ex-house and cleaning hairs out makes him heave...

He'd never lived on his own until he split up with his other XP, had never even cooked a meal while living with either of them Shock
So glad I'm getting the new improved slightly OCD version. Not looking forward to the realisation that actually I'm a bit of a slattern in the tidiness department Blush and that the house he sees when visiting me currently has been frantically cleaned for 2 days preceding his arrival!!! Grin

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 08/08/2017 20:29

We don't have this.
Loser of rock sissor paper has to do whatever task. Works for us Grin

Judydreamsofhorses · 08/08/2017 20:31

Our thing is that when I need to do something, or say I'm about to, I do it immediately, then it's done. DP will say "I will sweep and mop the floors today", and do it three hours later, whereas I expect him to do it right that very minute. Both of us find this very annoying.

SheepyFun · 08/08/2017 20:39

We're, fortunately, just like timshortfforthalia - we also both have low standards.

May I ask those of you who do have this 'discussion' regularly, what did your partner's house look like before you moved in together? Assuming it wasn't spotless, what made you think she/he would change?