To ask what constitutes a 'spirited child'?

[malificent7]

My dd is lovely but she is what I would call 'spirited.'
She is definitely not the obedient type. I don't think that blind obedience is a god trait but she often does the opposite to what I would like or point blank refuses to cooperate. She will make a fuss if I ask her to help tidy up for example.
She is very demanding and wants my attention. She is a diva and every little scratch is a major catastrophe.
She is boisterous and likes to dance around and throw herself at me.
She loves to play pranks and has a wicked sense of humour.
At the moment she is prone to anxiety and is very clingy but I am working with her to get over this.
She is bloody stubborn, bossy and likes to be in control.
I love her to bits but bloody hell, I am exhausted and need a break...which she is reluctant to give to me due to anxiety.
She will not let me sit in peace and demands my attention if she senses I am still. We argue a lot but also have lovely, cuddly times.
She is 9. So is she spirited or is this normal? Any tips would be useful.

'At the moment she is a child and should be doing what you ask',
Right - that completely describes parenting 100% of the time!

Hey OP. I'm sorry you are getting a load of shit on here.

My dd is 8. I'm a single parent.

My daughter is very bright but also very boisterous. I also have a partner that has been on the scene about a year but doesn't live with us (mutual choice)

She will often push boundaries and last night was screaming at me literally just standing there screaming at me. She was super tired but still....I ignored her. I stared at her. I was calm. She stopped. When they don't get the reaction they want it usually calms down.

This is an exception she isn't usually that bad but I ignore the outbursts, discipline bratty behaviour (ban iPad use etc) but what I do a lot now is positively reinforcing how much I love her. We are on holiday on our own at the moment, some 1-1 time works a treat with anxious kids. When we are home I make the weekends about us. We bake, we see family, we swim.

Slowly she is making progress. Only kids mixed up with anxiety and being a single parent is like an obstacle course. Just give her lots of love but some clear boundaries

To the poster who talked about the mindfulness thank you I'm going to try that.

Good luck. I'm sure you are a loving mum, it's hard sometimes. Just wanted to post and show some solidarity x

There are some really horrible posts on this thread, I stopped reading them about halfway through. OP, if you're still reading...

Your first post could have been describing my daughter at the same age. She was diagnosed with ADHD and some other MH issues when she was 14.
For what it's worth she's a lovely adult.

If your daughter has some sort of anxiety disorder, which it sounds as though she does, then expecting her to behave as if she was neurotypical just isn't going to work. If that is the case, then she acts out with you not because she "knows she can get away with it" but because she knows that it's safe to do so.
I always said that I'd rather have her behave well when out in the world and act out at home than do the opposite. It's exhausting though, you have my sympathy.
For both your sake and hers, if you can help her to find some coping behaviours that work for her then it will (gradually) make things easier.

Wow, harsh responses here. What exactly for you expect her to do? Some children are not compliant and challenge you a lot. It's not something that you can control.
You can try and manage it by you cannot change a base personality trait.

Sounds like my 2 year old!

Op, my advice is keep showing her that you love her. It's very easy to get caught up in a battle of wills and spend most of the day telling your child off (been there, done that).

Sometimes it's worth taking a step back and just having a laugh with them. So when you now an argument or tantrum is starting, use a distraction technique.

It isn't normal behaviour in an NT 9 year old.

Penggown, I agree that we don't want attention seeking /dramatic kids.

But the solution is not to force the child through punishment to not behave that way! That might work in a classroom, but this is here mum. The person she feels most safe with in the world.

For Op to fix this she needs to find the cause if the behaviour and fix that. The child sounds insecure, hence my suggestion to show love and positive attention. It's very easy to get into a negative attention spiral.

Sounds really hard op. Struggling with anxiety must be awful for both of you. I think some of the replies have been harsh and must be horrible for you to read about your child. Is she getting any help for her anxiety ? As with people in general some children will be louder, busier ect just like some people are shy, prefer doing quiet activities. So what works for one person and their child may not for another as child is totally different. Good luck op and she might not be the easiest child but i wouldnt think she was spoilt or bratty ect. It sounds like you are doing your best and i hope you get some help for her anxiety.

Spirited is ok until they do something dangerous and hurt themselves or someone else. And you've got no recourse no way to get through the danger. When this happens you are in serious trouble

You could have a go at reading "how to talk so children will listen series and what every parent must know Margot Sunderland.

I know. 12yo like your DD.

High anxiety is a result of all the other stuff - eg no boundaries from parent.

Everything is given a reason. She's tired/hungry/ new environment etc.

When in a group and everyone told tidy up time she would suddenly need a drink/ mums attention etc.

She wasn't like it with others. Interestingly enough she struggled at school because she suddenly was 1 of 30 and not centre of attention and was ignored when she sought attention - because it was done inappropriately.

I'll never forget the day my friend got arsey with me because he said her DD had been upset by teacher. The DD had worn a nice but non uniform cardigan to school. Had gone in and straight to teacher and was all "do you like my cardigan!" Blah blah. Teachers response had been very much "that's more uniform and you are meant to be sitting with everyone else". My friend was fuming. She was even more fuming with me for saying I agreed with the teacher!

Make it clear to your daughter that you love her and part of that love is raising her with boundaries.

Any nanny job description woth "spirited" I wouldn't touch with a barge pole. Parents using labels and excuses not to dicipline their children make me so cross!!

The child your describing is me previous charge and he was just the rudest most badly behaved child I have ever looked after.

Sorry posted to soon, you need to take charge of your child! ATM she's taken charge of you!

My suggestion would be to focus and celebrate the behaviour you want for her and not let her push you into a reaction with her poor behaviour.
Reiterate what behaviour you expect & the consequences of not doing as you say and stick to it.

Don't debate, argue, banter or anything just calm factual statements.
Have a script and use it all the time so that she knows what your response will be.

With the "every scratch being a drama" call her bluff on it when it's a nothing. Insist she goes to bed to rest and no tv or screens. When she declares it's all better, then you can say "oh phew - right let's go to the shops.." or whatever. Then every time she comes with a Drama Scratch ask her if she needs to rest.

Have to agree with jelliebellies.
I have two totally different girls.My eldest 'got it' straight away. Second was more hard work, boisterous a joker, impulsive, quick to melt down....but good news levelled out around 10.

Both were nice natured with other children and not a bad bone in their body. Never a negative word/vibe from teachers or kids.

Quirky is another word used for youngest dd - not by me, but teachers,family.

Look up sensory processing, this was definitely a big factor with 2nd dd. It was a huge insight for me. I never highlighted it to her but I could understand her and that's most important.

A sports club helped enormously for dd2. She was a right box of frogs; it's helped her to focus, discipline and burn off energy .

Try to always look for the best in your child. Also life would be dull if she just sat looking pretty!

she sounds just like my 2 year old

Can you get a break for a couple of days to give yourself some space? If this is about attention then it is going to be hard work to put boundaries in place because she is going to push back hard.

She is 9. Tell her what you expect. Keep it simple. 'Don't throw yourself at me because it hurts mummy' 'we all do jobs around the house and yours is to pick up the clothes off the floor' Do not argue, do not debate, use the broken record technique. Be boring.

When you spot a glimmer of good behaviour and you might have to invent it a bit the praise, praise, praise. It feels really false at first but we did this with my second who was hard to,live with and could tantrum for England. It does work but it gets harder before it gets better because the behaviour they have is giving them some level of control but you are the adult and the parent and you are helping her get more age appropriate coping strategies for the anxiety in her life.

How is she at school? Does she have difficulty complying with the behavioural expectations, and have you discussed your concerns with them? Is she anxious and constantly demanding there?
If she can adapt her behaviour, then she is choosing to be 'spirited' with you. Either way, you probably need some support with behaviour and how to establish and maintain boundaries that she needs.
Does she spend time with friends? Belong to any groups or hobbies that have group expectations?

"because the posters have decided my parenting is deficient with no knowledge of the parenting techniques that I subscribe to"

Well as you haven't described your parenting techniques, but have described repeated behaviours which show they are ineffective, there really isn't anything else to go on.

When it's your eldest or your only child, as a parent you will inevitably get a lot of things wrong. Some phrases, such as 'spirited' rather than 'persistently naughty' do minimise the issue - usually at the cost of parental exhaustion.

And you ask if physical methods of sanctions might be indicated. I think they probably are.

Remember that physical includes anything that limits her body. You could have been using 'time out' from a younger age, but she might now be rather too big for just lifting her up and removing her. But you could see if she can be led away. And trips out need to be curtailed immediately she kicks off. These physical options will not be available when she hits puberty, so using them now and resetting her behaviour before she is a teenager, is something I would strongly advise you to consider.

Jesus OP you've had some awful answers here! Worst of AIBU I think. Totally reactionary.

It is quite common for kids who struggle with ordinary behaviour to put on a huge effort to conform to school/others' expectations and will then fall apart at home.

How is she socially with her peers? Does she make friends easily or does she tend to alienate them?

Your parenting doesn't sound terrible to me at all, from the short comments you've given, it sounds totally average/textbook - again it's very common when you have a challenging child to feel like you're "shit" at parenting, as anyone would if they tried doing what others do and found that it doesn't work for them.

Have a look at the book The Explosive Child and Ross Greene's website.

Spirited doesn't mean brat. Just like all adults are different, so are children? Adults just have a few more years practice of fitting in and learning what is acceptable, at 9 she is still doing that and has years ahead of her.