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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what constitutes a 'spirited child'?

152 replies

malificent7 · 07/08/2017 23:22

My dd is lovely but she is what I would call 'spirited.'
She is definitely not the obedient type. I don't think that blind obedience is a god trait but she often does the opposite to what I would like or point blank refuses to cooperate. She will make a fuss if I ask her to help tidy up for example.
She is very demanding and wants my attention. She is a diva and every little scratch is a major catastrophe.
She is boisterous and likes to dance around and throw herself at me.
She loves to play pranks and has a wicked sense of humour.
At the moment she is prone to anxiety and is very clingy but I am working with her to get over this.
She is bloody stubborn, bossy and likes to be in control.
I love her to bits but bloody hell, I am exhausted and need a break...which she is reluctant to give to me due to anxiety.
She will not let me sit in peace and demands my attention if she senses I am still. We argue a lot but also have lovely, cuddly times.
She is 9. So is she spirited or is this normal? Any tips would be useful.

OP posts:
Namechangetempissue · 07/08/2017 23:41

But you are doing the equivalent OP -describing her as spirited, making excuses for her behaviour -this is why she takes the piss with you and you alone.

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 07/08/2017 23:42

Ignore drama as much as you can, and punish when it goes past the point of just being a bit cheeky.

Original poster
malificent7 · 07/08/2017 23:43

I say no a lot actually. I feel that this thread has assumed that I allow this behaviour. I constantly have to discipline her. But short of physical punishment what can I do?

I do not condone this behaviour at all. I suppose most people do have blindly obedient children who eat organic quinoa on mumsnet anyway.

OP posts:
Namechangetempissue · 07/08/2017 23:44

We had a kid who was described in the description part of his pony club camp forms filled in by his mum as 'spirited' last month. Predictably he was an absolute fucking nightmare.

bingobunny · 07/08/2017 23:46

Lol at all the negative Victorian posts some children are very spirited its not a bad thing they usually turn into interesting adults that question the status quo

Original poster
malificent7 · 07/08/2017 23:48

Well ok...I agree with you all that she is a nightmarish , spoilt brat then.

I am leaving this thread. Not because of this unanimous appraisal , but because the posters have decided my parenting is deficient with no knowledge of the parenting techniques that I subscribe to.

Actually, I am not defending my parenting as I know that I'm shit at it and not cut out for it, but the fact is a lot of people on her are very quick to criticise and try for a bun fight with no curiosity or knowledge on how I deal with said behaviour! And no good advice to go with it either!

OP posts:
SecretLifeOfSam · 07/08/2017 23:48

Spirited= 'spoilt little shit' in my book too, sorry OP

ToeKneeChestNut · 07/08/2017 23:49

The child described in the OP is behaving in a cruel, vindictive intolerant, annoying, anti-social and demanding way. That does not lead to an "interesting adult".

TheSecondOfHerName · 07/08/2017 23:49

Has she ever been assessed for oppositional defiance disorder? This might tie in with the anxiety and attachment issues you mentioned.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 07/08/2017 23:50

Read "Mercurys child". Strongly suggest you get her in hand in the next few months or what you will find is that she is no longer ok with others, as she currently is.

Namechangetempissue · 07/08/2017 23:51

Not at all actually. I have a DS with SEN and it is far from easy. I am also far from perfect. But you asked about a child being spirited. Spirited is not being deliberately naughty and rude. She clearly feels she can get away with this with you. Nine is old enough for a chat about what is going on and for you to take away privileges if behaviour is not good. Get a wall chart and list jobs etc. If she completes all her tasks then a nice consequence.

IHaveBrilloHair · 07/08/2017 23:52

I think it's because you started the thread whilst making excuses.
If you want help then you really will get it here, no quinoa involved, but you need to say that.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 07/08/2017 23:52

It's probably that you've tried lots of things to sort it out but there has been no consistency, and in the background you've felt guilt that you have split from her dad and so have softened at key moments.

It's not un-recoverable.

PollyFlint · 07/08/2017 23:53

"Spirited" isn't the word I'd use...

bexibean · 07/08/2017 23:54

Hi OP,

My son is similar, he is five and is described as 'high energy' by others (and me!), in addition to some of the behaviour you describe he also massively struggles with bedtime and hates being on his own. He has always been this way, as a baby he would never settle despite every sleep training technique and he doesn't respond to discipline in the way other children may do. He is not spoilt, or bratty (ok, he is bratty sometimes!) but it feels to me that is impulse control and rationality aren't fully developed yet. He's lively, inquisitive, behaves well at school but struggles with being made to sit still or have his free will curbed in any way.

I'm waffling on a bit, but just wanted to express so solidarity, it's tough, and
I haven't found a way of 'nipping the behaviour in the bud' - I'm not a pushover at all but often punishment exacerbates the behaviour- I've found that diversion, heading things off before they turn into a stand off / shouting match works best. E.g. Rather than "pick up your toys or you will go straight to bed / pick up your toys and you get a sticker etc" that "I'll time you, how many toys can you pick up in a minute? Or I bet you can't pick them all up with the kitchen tongs" means the job gets done and we all feel better. (But it's bloody hard work and takes lots of energy and positive thinking!).

Anyway, probably not much help as he's only five and 9 year olds may be a different kettle of fish, but just so you know that you aren't alone!

AfunaMbatata · 07/08/2017 23:54

I don't eat quinoa for ethical reasons Halo

CauliflowerSqueeze · 07/08/2017 23:54

Bizarrely you're better off adding in loads and loads of little treats (film and popcorn; make a cake with mum; rearrange bedroom etc) and then remove one by one if there's an issue.

Imaginosity · 07/08/2017 23:55

I know lots of children who were like that at that age and have turned out to be perfectly lovely adults. Often they are quite fun to be around as they have lively personalities.

I was extremely obiedient as a child - it did me no good. A bit a spirit is no harm.

welshgirlwannabe · 07/08/2017 23:58

Hi op, here's a lifeline - catch it!

My now 15 year old was difficult as a younger child. He could have been described as spirited: he was v high energy, distracted, not bothered about consequences and bloody single minded. He was exhausting.

I am not, and was not a crap parent. I didn't just shrug mu shoulders and pat his head. He was just not an 'easy' personality. Why do we assume that kids are endlessly malleable and if we adopt certain behaviours so will they? It's not like that in the real world. Some kids, some people, are just not as tractable as that.

My kid is a great teen and really doesn't give me any grief or worry. He is just a star.
It gets easier.

Lynnm63 · 07/08/2017 23:58

If she's good for everyone else perhaps watch how they deal with her. I like a bit of spirit in kids but I can stop mine in their tracks with a look, apparently 'it's the oh shit mum is about to lose her shit look.'

NeedsAsockamnesty · 07/08/2017 23:59

I am leaving this thread. Not because of this unanimous appraisal , but because the posters have decided my parenting is deficient with no knowledge of the parenting techniques that I subscribe to

It doesn't matter which parenting techniques you subscribe to.

They do not work. It's time to shake them up and find some new ones, I'm a massive fan of stepping back and looking at your own role in children's behaviour and working out what you can do to change it. More often than not it's our behaviour that causes most issues with kids.

PollyFlint · 08/08/2017 00:00

When did I say I was celebrating this behaviour

I would say that describing it as 'spirited' carries an element of celebration. You're insisting on describing negative, annoying behaviours in a positive way. Most people aren't going to like a bossy, controlling child who 'likes to play pranks' but then throws a massive hissy fit when she's the one not calling the shots. That isn't 'spirited' to most people. It's irritating.

I'm not saying you're a bad parent at all, I'm sure you're great, but you do sound a bit in denial about what your daughter's behaviour really is (attention-seeking drama queenery and selfishness) and you also sound like you're determined to be a martyr to it. If you address this behaviour and face up to what it is instead of calling it 'spirited' and making excuses for her, you'll do your daughter a big favour - people will like her a lot more if you can help her take it down a notch. She's not a horrible kid, obviously, but you're letting her behave like one and by calling it 'spirited' you're validating this.

welshgirlwannabe · 08/08/2017 00:03

Sorry I see you've left the thread. Just in case you come back to it I just wanted to add not to take to heart what some people are saying on this thread.

Anybody who describes a 9 year old as a little shit, etc etc, is probably not brimming with useful parenting advice Hmm

CotswoldStrife · 08/08/2017 00:03

Oh dear, this isn't going to end well ...

OP, the term 'spirited' is more often used for a much younger child, I think. That's the problem here. People were expecting a toddler not a nine year old.

I agree that diversion is a good technique, and setting down some time to yourself/defined times that you will play with here (eg we'll play that game at 10.30am for an hour). You mention arguments - you don't have to turn up to every argument you are invited to! Don't get into a circle of explaining!

Aeroflotgirl · 08/08/2017 00:04

I hate that term, in normal terms, it means spoiled and undisciplined. It seems as though your dd has certainly got you where she want's you, time to show her who is the parent and lay down some boundaries, and consequences, or she will continue to be 'spirited' years down the line and it won't seem quite so cute will it!