AIBU Not to want a termination at 19 weeks just because DP 'Doesn't want a baby yet'?

[Namechanged1234567890]

I'm posting in aibu in part for traffic and in part because that is what I'm asking, but I'm feeling really shitty about all of this and would appreciate people holding back from slamming me to the floor/burning me alive for this thread.

So as not to drip feed as you can all see by my very original username, I've changed my name. I've been on MN for a while. I'm in the second trimester of my first pregnancy (A total shock as DP and I thought I couldn't have children, and yes we had testing in the autumn/winter/spring of 2015/16 so I do know this.) DP and I had always spoken about starting a family, be it with IVF or adoption in the net couple of years, probably 2019 as we should be purchasing our second property in 2018 and this would mean I could reduce my workload. But our current situation isn't awful and we could certainly make it work.

I can see why we would've been better waiting, and DP and I did speak about an early termination, but he wouldn't come with me to the appointment at six weeks and I really felt like I couldn't do it alone.
he then told me I didn't have to do it and that he'd support me whatever. Fastforward to 11 weeks and he wants me to terminate again, but then tells me not to worry about it as I've got a big few weeks coming up, I think everything's fine, He starts calling the baby our little person etc etc. But again at 15 weeks he is pressuring me for a termination whilst simultaneously telling me it is too late and that it's a proper person. I'm currently 16w5 and have phoned BPAS who have told me the only time I can have the procedure is at the end of the month 230 miles from my home. I need to be escorted as it's a major operation. I don't want it done, and I certainly can't do it on my own. WIBU to just tell 'D'P to fuck off, and go and talk to my mum and have my baby (I've not been able to talk to anyone in case I make him look bad)
I've had it up to my eyes, I feel totally broken and scared and alone and I can't believe what an uncharacteristically massive twat my DP is.

Please someone help me. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

You're so brave op. I think you've made the decision to keep the baby and that's the right one for you, I don't think you should ever have an abortion if you don't want to! I'd imagine that would be horrendous for anyone.
You don't need this man. Please leave him, even if he suddenly has interest in this baby. For one, he is using you. You're money for him and he still needs that. If you threaten to leave now he'll suck up to you to keep the money.
Secondly, he IS going to be a deadweight with this baby. He won't be helpful. You don't need this negative and manipulating man in your baby's life.
Good luck op

Glad you are ok ( in a difficult situaion)..I have been thinking about you.

Hope you get some rest tonight

All the best to you OP. You might also find it comforting (perhaps with a namechange) to join some of the pregnancy threads (there's usually at least one ongoing for MNers due to have their babies in [month]) for chat with other people who are at about the same stage as you and handholding and gosspi about what cot to get, etc.

Glad you are doing ok op

Sound like you have been on an emotional rollercoaster

I'm so pleased you have come on here for suppprt - it appears to have cleared your head and organized your thoughts, if nothing else.

You now need to rid your brain of his wants and needs and replace them with your own -

Woman rarely regret having a baby whatever their age!

Good luck

Absolutely normal to cry, you've had to keep your emotions locked up all this time. It has to come out sometime and it's better that you have a good cry and get it out of your system.

Definitely tell the midwife what has been going on, they're are there to look after the whole of you and not just the physical side of being pregnant.

And you're having a baby! Someone to cuddle and love, to keep in your heart. Good luck with everything x

It's good to hear your update OP. As for the crying, perfectly normal given your circumstances! I cried through my whole pregnancy wondering if I had done the right thing. Now that I have my baby I look back and wonder what the hell I was thinking! There is nothing in the world that will even come close to the love you have for your child. Please don't worry that you don't feel bonded now. Even with all of the scans and appointments I didn't feel it until he was in my arms, but at that moment I knew I would lay my life down for him.

When you see your midwife and GP please let them know your whole situation. Be brutally honest. They may be able to get you into counselling to help you process this. In my area there are counsellors who prioritise pregnant women. They can also help by looking for signs of AND and PND.

Rest up and stay strong!

Oh yes, crying is entirely normal - not just your hormones, which make you more sensitive to your emotions, but you're going through one HELL of an emotional rollercoaster that would have most people in bits without being pregnant!

Let it happen - it's cathartic to let the pressure-valve release with crying it out, rather than trying to keep it all in.

I'm glad that you're taking positive steps - hope you're still at your parents' and they're supporting you.

(((hugs))) - it's scary, but you can do this.

I just wanted to pop in and leave you these

Take care.

It sounds like you've been through a horrendous time. I'm not surprised you're feeling emotional and struggling right now.

I know you've made your decisison now but don't let your partner try to railroad you. It is your body and your choice what you do.

A late termination isn't easy, it involves giving birth to the fetus and is a distressing experience even for women who have absolutely 100% chosen termination and know it's the right thing for them. I suspect you would struggle greatly with this experience when it's not what you want.

I hope you can gain some support from your family. Don't worry about making him look bad, all you can do is tell the situation as it is and if they change their view of him that's his actions causing that not yours.

With my Ds1 I did pregnancy and then bringing him up on my own. It was incredible hard but incredibly rewarding. The bond we have is amazing.

Don't worry about making him look bad he's making himself look bad and he knows it!

And YES to PP I've seen plenty of single parents do an amazing job and have a great bond with their mothers! Babies should be a celebration and so far you haven't had any of that.

Please tell real life people what's going on, you'll be amazed at the support

Dw about not bonding with your baby at the mo its really hard to do before you start to feel them properly move for most people. I actually felt more like I was growing a parasitic worm for the most part as I was so ill during pregnancy that even seeing them on the scans didn't make them real but I loved them with all my heart the minute they came into the world. It can be a bit surreal trying to bond with your squirming tummy.

Glad to hear your update OP. Your 'D'P refusing to let you get properly registered with a GP/Midwife says it ALL what kind of arsehole encourages a pregnant woman not to get medical support?

I'm not surprised you've been crying - pregnancy plus your situation would do that to a person! I hope your family are being kind?

Do follow the very good advice above about letting your MW know everything that's going on. I cried through two MW appts and that was enough for them to refer me to a special team where I saw the same MW who gave me more tailored support. I hope you have a similarly positive experience.

At 16 weeks, you're probably just starting to feel the baby move. It starts off like a fluttering butterfly, but as baby gets bigger, you'll feel kicks, and when the baby starts to run out of room, you'll be able to see a heel or elbow sticking out of your bump. It's the strangest thing, but fascinating!

I expect you'll start to bond now that you've made your mind up to keep the baby and when you can feel it. Try not to worry about it for now.

Have you told your parents yet?

OP bless you. There is tons of support here as you know - you will be fine.

So glad that you are in a place of safety and are accessing support.

Don't worry about bonding etc. I was so sick through my pregnancies it's a blur. I don't remember really bonding at all and was just focused on getting through it - horrific. The baby bit didn't seem very real at all until I gave birth. Then it was wonderful. Don't worry about that.

You are very strong. I don't want to harp on about this as you have reams of posts saying that same but to anyone reading this from the outside - it is very clear - your 'D' P is a nasty controlling abuser. To hear that he refused to allow you access to midwife services is horrific. Hopefully things will become clearer now that you are away from him, but PLEASE try and tell the midwife what has been going on. They will then be able to focus on making sure that you have the right kind of support and an awareness of your naturally very confused mental state.

Keep well away from your P. Good luck.

Don´t worry about bonding. You have masses of time to bond now.

What an arsehole

OP

I've been reading since you posted OP and I just wanted to say well done, and also- take all the support, whatever's offered, you deserve it and you've been through a lot already. Tell your midwife when you have your booking. It's nothing to be ashamed of. They might ask you why you booked late, let them know it was because you were being pressured into a termination that you didn't want and you're trying to get your head around the reality of having a baby. If they have caseload care at your hospital try and get referred to a caseload team, you'd be the exact sort of person I'd refer to one if I booked you.

Lots of people don't find out they are pregnant till late on, or for whatever reason don't allow themselves to bond with the baby or accept it's going to be a baby, till later in pregnancy so you honestly haven't done yourself or baby any harm by not getting your head round it earlier. You can do this and you will be great. You've already shown that by refusing to be bullied.

Congratulations OP! Your not so DP is a total bastard. Expects YOU to go alone to have a late (&seriously traumatic) termination that HE WANTS. Fuck that shit. Do what's right for YOU & bump. I am pro-choice, but he doesn't seem to recognise YOUR choice in this. I also agree with other pp who have said he'll use it against you later on. You deserve so much better than this poor excuse for a man. Stop paying his debts and start saving for your nursery/pram etc if that's what you want. this may well be your only chance of having your own child. Don't let a selfish asshole deprive you of that.
Sorry for shouting but his attitude makes me so bloody angry x

I hope your parents are giving you all the support you need. x

Don't worry about not being with a midwife yet. In some parts of Ireland the first appointment is around 16-20 weeks depending on the hospital. (whole other moan but off topic for here)

Things will become a lot more clearer to you when you tell your mum and dad. Tell them as much or as little as you prefer but personally, I'd tell them the lot and let them fully support you.

Right now your partner is not your Person. He's not giving you good advice for you, just for himself. He's not even willing to hold your hand throughout a traumatic procedure he's demanding. Fuck that. Surround yourself with people who have your best interests at heart.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Congrats from me too OP. I'd also be checking your legal situation re the house you and your partner are living in. And certainly not paying him any more money. Your first OP says it all, really - what you're trying to do is come to terms with the fact your "D"P is a waste of space and you'll need to be bringing up the baby by yourself for the time being.

Hope you are ok NameChanged. Thinking of you xx