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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Not to want a termination at 19 weeks just because DP 'Doesn't want a baby yet'?

737 replies

Namechanged1234567890 · 07/08/2017 09:44

I'm posting in aibu in part for traffic and in part because that is what I'm asking, but I'm feeling really shitty about all of this and would appreciate people holding back from slamming me to the floor/burning me alive for this thread.

So as not to drip feed as you can all see by my very original username, I've changed my name. I've been on MN for a while. I'm in the second trimester of my first pregnancy (A total shock as DP and I thought I couldn't have children, and yes we had testing in the autumn/winter/spring of 2015/16 so I do know this.) DP and I had always spoken about starting a family, be it with IVF or adoption in the net couple of years, probably 2019 as we should be purchasing our second property in 2018 and this would mean I could reduce my workload. But our current situation isn't awful and we could certainly make it work.

I can see why we would've been better waiting, and DP and I did speak about an early termination, but he wouldn't come with me to the appointment at six weeks and I really felt like I couldn't do it alone.
he then told me I didn't have to do it and that he'd support me whatever. Fastforward to 11 weeks and he wants me to terminate again, but then tells me not to worry about it as I've got a big few weeks coming up, I think everything's fine, He starts calling the baby our little person etc etc. But again at 15 weeks he is pressuring me for a termination whilst simultaneously telling me it is too late and that it's a proper person. I'm currently 16w5 and have phoned BPAS who have told me the only time I can have the procedure is at the end of the month 230 miles from my home. I need to be escorted as it's a major operation. I don't want it done, and I certainly can't do it on my own. WIBU to just tell 'D'P to fuck off, and go and talk to my mum and have my baby (I've not been able to talk to anyone in case I make him look bad)
I've had it up to my eyes, I feel totally broken and scared and alone and I can't believe what an uncharacteristically massive twat my DP is.

Please someone help me. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

OP posts:
Starlight2345 · 13/08/2017 21:49

Op..Can I warn you to expect lots of changes in approach to pull you back into line, from the I miss you realise I was wrong, to it was your fault, you did ... , we have to be together to work it out to threats..

AprilLady4 · 14/08/2017 11:44
Flowers
ReanimatedSGB · 14/08/2017 15:02

Definitely don't have couples counselling: this man is abusive and counselling with him will make things worse.
As a couple of PP said, he will now alternate between weepy apologies/bunches of flowers/romantic promises and namecalling/demands/threats. Don't be fooled. Refuse to engage.

Just for clarity, here's the legal position: whatever this man might say he has no rights at all over your pregnancy. Legally, there is no 'child' for him to try to claim rights over until the baby has been born, and even then, he can be kept at a distance for quite a bit of time.
You can tell your midwife and the hospital maternity unit that he is not to be allowed anywhere near you and they will keep him away. If you don't want to see him while you are recovering from the birth and looking after your newborn, you can refuse to see him or permit him anywhere near you (even if he were to launch legal action for contact, it would take plenty of time and the court would be prioritizing the baby's needs, not the man's.)
These are all facts. He will tell lies in an attempt to regain control over you, but you can safely ignore him and block and refuse any contact with him.
And you can stop paying him money: he has no legal right to be given money by you, either.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 15/08/2017 10:33

Why can't he actually be trying? Why does everything he is instantly a liar? If I've missed something can someone let me know.

I'm not saying his actions are right but if he is trying why is it wrong to give him a chance? It will be his child too, many others have stated that their partners weren't happy but became amazing maybe he might?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/08/2017 10:40

"Why can't he actually be trying? Why does everything he is instantly a liar?"

Because he is minimising what he did, and trying to re-write history. He has been pushing the OP to have a late termination, he's now saying that he "just didn't know what he wanted" - balls.
He was using coercive control and NOW he's back-pedalling.
He was asking her to undergo a fairly major and very traumatic procedure, knowing that it might be her only chance at a natural pregnancy ANYWAY, and refusing to support her through that.

None of that equates to him being "wishy washy" - it all SHOUTS that he was being a total manchild bastard who wanted it all his own way and was refusing to be of any use or support to his partner, who didn't want to abort, and who was suffering because of his appalling behaviour. His refusal to allow her to tell anyone else also speaks volumes - isolate her so that no one else could offer her any support either.

No, I'm not willing to give him the benefit of the doubt until he pretty much falls on his knees and begs forgiveness for his atrocious behaviour, and sorts his manchild life out.

Original poster
Namechanged1234567890 · 15/08/2017 10:51

thumbWitches I totally agree. But my next question is really, how do I allow him to be a part of this. Because I see a few posters telling me to keep him at a distance etc, but If I'm honest I feel totally safe around him and am fine with his presence. He was my best friend for many years, and I honestly think he will be a fantastic dad. Part of it I guess stemms from my predisposition- I'm a chronic people pleaser and he's a stroppy manchild not dissimilar to my three year old niece.

I would love to try and work things out with him because it would be better all round, my child would have two parents, I wouldn't be totally alone with my tiny baby etc. But I think he needs to prove himself, and I'm not sure how I can aid that, I've got no idea at which point I say actually alright I believe you're not a dickhead anymore let's give it another go?

I am perplexed

OP posts:
seven201 · 15/08/2017 10:54

You mention the idea of couples therapy earlier. I think that sounds like a very sensible idea. X

YouTheCat · 15/08/2017 10:59

Having two parents, where one is being manipulated and abused, is not better than having one solid, happy parent.

He is seeing his cashcow ride off into the distance. You cannot aid him demonstrating that he's not a dickhead. That totally has to come from him. I'd like to lay bets on him being very 'forgetful' when it comes to maintenance payments. Don't be fooled.

Original poster
Namechanged1234567890 · 15/08/2017 11:02

Thanks seven I can see why that maybe an issue though as I may be influenced by dp - I've been offered to be seen by one of the specialist perinatal mental health teams and as a result I will receive weekly counselling from an outside agency too so that is helpful :) perhaps I should suggest counselling to him though to sort out his brattyness?

OP posts:
Oldraver · 15/08/2017 11:04

I would put all thoughts of him to one side and get yourself to a GP...It sounds like you have had no medical care so far.

Original poster
Namechanged1234567890 · 15/08/2017 11:05

theCat I know. I just mean, what are the thresholds for not being a dickhead?
Helps pay for things like pram/crib/car seat/bottles/clothes.
Comes to Ante natal appointments scans?
Drives me to hosp when in labour?
Respects my parenting?

I'm just not sure what to expect from or what I need from him?!

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 15/08/2017 11:06

You need to be strong and not enable his strops
You need to be clear what you want and say ot loud and clear

Because your child will need to you be his voice in the future - whether that's dealing with doctors or dentist or school - you have to be strong

By pleasing him you are dismissing your wants and needs - the baby proves that

Start saying what you want - I want to keep this baby
I want you to be part of that but I will only discuss it once the baby is here

Original poster
Namechanged1234567890 · 15/08/2017 11:06

oldraver on it. I registered with a new surgery yesterday Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechanged1234567890 · 15/08/2017 11:09

tulips so I want to be putting baby and myself at the top of the pile obviously, but if there are things we need for baby, do I ask him or do I just do it alone.
E.g. Buying heavy things etc
Should I invite him to scans?

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 15/08/2017 11:11

There aren't thresholds as such.

But if he's causing you angst over payments or trying to exert his control, then he's being a dickhead.

If he messes you about over contact arrangements, then he's being a dickhead.

I wouldn't particularly involve him in appointments as if he lets you down that will add to your stress. At this point, I wouldn't be relying on him for any support. If he gives it without being asked then maybe there's a hope.

GreenTulips · 15/08/2017 11:12

Well have a look at cots prams and price them up - you present it as a choice

Do you want to buy the cot or the pram? He's the links
Baby will need X sleep suits and nappies - can you get those while I'll buy the steriliser?

Scans - your body your choice

Scan booked for X time if you wish to come - mum will be suppprting me. (You have suppprt he has a choice)

Leave it open and don't be disappointed if he doesn't show up

Original poster
Namechanged1234567890 · 15/08/2017 11:14

Okay that makes sense.
I won't turn him away from any involvement he wants but I won't pressure him into it either? That is a good and logical idea?
There are lots of single parents about aren't there it's not the end of my world? I'm just being silly and worrying over nothing.
Thanks all x

OP posts:
putthehamsterbackinitscage · 15/08/2017 11:15

I'm sure the perinatal mh team will help guide you on this but I would say keep him at arms length emotionally so that you can deal with your own emotions about your baby, try to relax, enjoy your pregnancy and prepare for your baby.

You need space and time for yourself and it won't do him any harm to gave Diane to consider what he has done and how he can be a parent on whatever basis you decide - together or apart.

He has put you through such s hard time so what you need now is space and support from people who won't try to manipulate you

Categoric · 15/08/2017 11:16

I think you need to take up the counselling you have been offered so you can see this man for what he really is.

From an outside perspective, it is hard to understand that you can feel safe with someone who has treated you so badly. And he is not your friend, he only appears to think about himself, not you or the baby. He couldn't even be bothered to go with you for the termination that he was so insistent on.

How can he realistically be a fantastic dad ? You need to be an adult and take responsibility to be a good parent. If he wasn't living with you, he wouldn't be able to support himself.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/08/2017 11:23

Yes, I think that approach is the best.

In all honesty I wouldn't even attempt to get back together with him until the baby is born, unless he really does an unambiguous U-turn and not only begs forgiveness, but really starts to put YOU, your health and the baby first. If he doesn't do that, then it's just a facade.

But, once the baby is born, he may realise what it's all about, and that might be a good time to try and re-build something. BUT only on the premise that he actually puts in the work! I mean, the real work, of looking after a brand new baby as well. None of this Disney dad malarkey, where he swans in and sees the baby happy, dressed, clean, fed, etc. for half an hour, thinks he's an amazing dad for even turning up and then fucks off again.

You'll be able to judge it better as time goes on, depending on how he behaves between then and now - but for now, focus only on you and your baby.

LaContessaDiPlump · 15/08/2017 11:33

He was my best friend for many years, and I honestly think he will be a fantastic dad.

......he's a stroppy manchild not dissimilar to my three year old niece.

OP, those statements don't really go together I'm afraid.

seven201 · 15/08/2017 11:38

I think letting him lead his involvement is a good idea. None of us on here have met him and it's very easy for us all to say you're better off without him (and that might be true), but that's for you to decide and I don't think there's a rush for you to decide one way or another. All I'm saying is don't feel pressured to decide everything right now.

TipTopTipTopClop · 15/08/2017 11:43

He is a terrible, terrible man and I'd be seeking to avoid any parental rights or contact. I hope you get the support you need IRL.

What he has asked you to do is unforgivable. Please stay strong.

JimmysMum1988 · 15/08/2017 11:45

It's your body!! Only you can decide but it sounds like you want to be a mum so do what you want!! Don't let anyone force you into anything xxx

TipTopTipTopClop · 15/08/2017 11:45

I would love to try and work things out with him because it would be better all round, my child would have two parents, I wouldn't be totally alone with my tiny baby etc. But I think he needs to prove himself, and I'm not sure how I can aid that, I've got no idea at which point I say actually alright I believe you're not a dickhead anymore let's give it another go?

I think you've minimised in your own head what he's done here.