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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Not to want a termination at 19 weeks just because DP 'Doesn't want a baby yet'?

737 replies

Namechanged1234567890 · 07/08/2017 09:44

I'm posting in aibu in part for traffic and in part because that is what I'm asking, but I'm feeling really shitty about all of this and would appreciate people holding back from slamming me to the floor/burning me alive for this thread.

So as not to drip feed as you can all see by my very original username, I've changed my name. I've been on MN for a while. I'm in the second trimester of my first pregnancy (A total shock as DP and I thought I couldn't have children, and yes we had testing in the autumn/winter/spring of 2015/16 so I do know this.) DP and I had always spoken about starting a family, be it with IVF or adoption in the net couple of years, probably 2019 as we should be purchasing our second property in 2018 and this would mean I could reduce my workload. But our current situation isn't awful and we could certainly make it work.

I can see why we would've been better waiting, and DP and I did speak about an early termination, but he wouldn't come with me to the appointment at six weeks and I really felt like I couldn't do it alone.
he then told me I didn't have to do it and that he'd support me whatever. Fastforward to 11 weeks and he wants me to terminate again, but then tells me not to worry about it as I've got a big few weeks coming up, I think everything's fine, He starts calling the baby our little person etc etc. But again at 15 weeks he is pressuring me for a termination whilst simultaneously telling me it is too late and that it's a proper person. I'm currently 16w5 and have phoned BPAS who have told me the only time I can have the procedure is at the end of the month 230 miles from my home. I need to be escorted as it's a major operation. I don't want it done, and I certainly can't do it on my own. WIBU to just tell 'D'P to fuck off, and go and talk to my mum and have my baby (I've not been able to talk to anyone in case I make him look bad)
I've had it up to my eyes, I feel totally broken and scared and alone and I can't believe what an uncharacteristically massive twat my DP is.

Please someone help me. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechanged1234567890 · 12/08/2017 22:06

Hello
I'm okay. DP and I are spending some time apart, he says he will support whatever descision I make, and that he didn't mean to be so wishy washy, but that he's trying to give me the space to make my own choices, but naturally let's out his own fears and issues.
Suggested perhaps some kind of couples therapy? But unsure if this is the right thing to do?

Hope you're all well?
Thanks again for all your support. Flowers

OP posts:
StarUtopia · 12/08/2017 22:11

Terminate the bloke.

Jesus. We are talking about a baby here at this stage.

Sorry I haven't read the entire thread, just the first few pages, so it could well have moved on etc. You have enough on your plate. Focus on you and your health and the health of your baby. Your future. If he wants to play a part, he needs to man it up big time.

Wishing you well.

Original poster
Namechanged1234567890 · 12/08/2017 22:18

star I'll forgive you as there's 26 pages and you have admitted you've not RTFT. Grin
I'm not planning on terminating. And yes, they're very much a baby, fluttery, and slightly wriggly, (particularly when I'm in the bath!) Grin

Not sure how I'm going to proceed with DP but he seems to be getting his arse in gear Re. Baby. So I guess we will see where that one goes.

Thanks for your support! X

OP posts:
BaDumShh · 12/08/2017 22:29

The way he has treated you is appalling. Trying to force you into the termination but then refusing to support you when you go to have it? And wanting you to keep this a secret from anyone who would help and support you, and not have any medical support? It's just heartless and cruel. He's not a good partner.

LottieDoubtie · 12/08/2017 22:33

I'm glad you're ok OP.

Think very carefully about your partner- ask yourself-
A) is he nice to me?
B) does he behave like he loves/likes me?
C) would I trust him to look after a tiny baby- even when busy/tired/some other difficult situation.
D) what sort of father is he going to be- all day every day.
E) are you safe with him?
F) after all this do you love him?
G) do you trust him?

We cannot tell you what to do. But go carefully.

Ceto · 12/08/2017 22:35

I don't really see how he was being "wishy washy" when he was telling you to terminate at 19 weeks, stopping you from seeing the midwife, telling you that "our" decision was made etc etc? Whatever all that was, it was not wishy washy.

GladAllOver · 12/08/2017 23:21

So you can feel your baby, Namechanged :)
That's lovely. Now you really know there's a baby in there!

Please update us when you've have the scan.

Original poster
Namechanged1234567890 · 12/08/2017 23:30

glad - what I imagine is the baby at least!
I will keep you all posted

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechanged1234567890 · 12/08/2017 23:32

I've never felt a baby before but did a bit of lurking on the ante natal boards, and I'm pretty sure the fluttery flippy wiggly sensations mainly when I lie down (particularly in the bath) are baby movements. I've toned down my bath temp on advice from pps too! Xx

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 12/08/2017 23:38

Have you talked to your parents?

I would get it all out in the open and they will help you

Neverknowing · 13/08/2017 00:01

Get rid of him op. He will ALWAYS be like this ! Do you want your son or daughter to be around him and think being treated like that is normal?
There are so many red flags op. He's using you. He doesn't love you or want you, he needs you because you pay his debts. Break it off now, it will end eventually when do you want that to happen when he's drained you or before?

AcrossthePond55 · 13/08/2017 00:32

At this point and in your situation, I think you'd be better to do individual counseling. Him to figure out what the hell he wants and then own it like a real man. You to pick through your feelings about the way he's behaved and the things he's said about the baby. After that, if he feels he actually wants the baby (not just' putting up with it' for the sake of keeping you) and you feel that you want to try to heal the relationship AND that you will be able to trust him going forward to be a good partner and an involved loving father, then go for couple's counseling to see if the two of you can reach a meeting of minds and hearts.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/08/2017 01:09

I'd also steer clear of couples counselling at this stage.

In cases of relationship breakups where there has been any kind of abuse, then mediation is not considered advisable because of the manipulative tendencies of the abusive party.
I feel it would be the same here.

Even though he's apologised for being "wishy washy" (WTF?? He tried to force you to have a late abortion, that's not "wishy washy"!!) he still tried to exert coercive control over you, which is part of the emotional abuser's repertoire.

It may be that he is NOT an abuser - but many women have had partners who were perfectly reasonable and nice UNTIL they got pg/had a baby, when they turned into abusive wankers and it only got worse. We can't tell at this stage, but, more to the point, nor can you.
Because of that risk though, you would do far better to have solo counselling without him at this stage.

Once the baby is born and your P makes some kind of decision about how he feels about that, then, maybe, couples therapy might be appropriate.

TheMaddHugger · 13/08/2017 06:14

((((((((((((Mega Madd Hugs))))))))))) Flowers

Lweji · 13/08/2017 07:35

I suppose we should not tell you what to do, but please be very careful about your so called partner.
He hasn't been your partner. Not when you needed him the most. And it will happen again in future when you're ill, when you need him, when you have the baby.

Don't go to couples therapy. It's not a communication problem. He is the problem.
And if he wants a chance of getting back with you then he should show consistently and for a long time period that he really is there for you and the baby.

At this time I can bet you that he thinks that you'll just calm down, you'll get back together and everything will continue as it was.

ChickenBhuna · 13/08/2017 08:25

I'm glad you're okay OP and beginning to bond with your baby , this is good news.

Your partner is not a good man though and that opinion on this thread is pretty unanimous. A good partner doesn't use you financially or make you pregnant then pressurise you into having a late termination.

I know you've got a lot going on right now but please consider you and how you will proceed with future relationships and why you've been so passive with your partner.

I've seen the freedom programme mentioned a few times on here , I don't know much about it but I'm sure another poster could fill you in about it's benefits for you right now.

aginghippy · 13/08/2017 08:43

Good that you and dp have decided to spend some time apart. Hope it gives you the time and space to clarify your thoughts.

I agree with pp that couples counselling would not be a good idea right now. Better to focus on yourself, your pregnancy and your future as a mother.

AdalindSchade · 13/08/2017 09:10

So glad you aren't terminating.
It's all good if your partner is finally accepting that you're having a baby but please don't ignore or brush over the fact that his behaviour has been abusive and controlling. The fact that he hasn't allowed you to have antenatal care is abusive and controlling. Please just focus on your baby and yourself and worry about the partner way down your list. You have put him far higher than he should be.

twattymctwatterson · 13/08/2017 09:58

I'm concerned that you're still not recognising that your partner is a highly abusive man. I don't think you're far removed enough to see just how horrendous his behaviour has been

GladAllOver · 13/08/2017 10:26

I think we should all stop the LTB comments now. The OP has read 26 pages of them and she knows very well what mumsnet thinks.

Namechanged has made the right decision to keep her lovely baby, and I'm sure when the time is right she will make the right choice with her partner.

peekyboo · 13/08/2017 16:32

He's calling his behaviour wishy washy to make it sound less aggressive. If you were to reply by saying his behaviour was unacceptable - with examples etc - he would say you were wrong and had taken it the wrong way.

And I notice how he's brought it back to how he feels and not what he's put you through.

Motherbear26 · 13/08/2017 16:38

You don't need to worry about dp at the minute, you've plenty of time to think about all that. Just take care of yourself and baby and all the other stuff will sort itself out. The ante natal care and spending time with the midwife will make everything seem so much more real to you so I would just take it all one step at a time. Good luck op.Flowers

Lweji · 13/08/2017 16:44

I do hope you don't get back together on a last minute panic before the birth.
You can do it.
And you're worth much more.

kittensinmydinner1 · 13/08/2017 20:39

Hi OP, I have rtft from start to finish. You seem very evasive about telling us if you have now actually told your parents you are expecting. Your DPs way of keeping this all 'under wraps' is to keep you from telling anyone. That way he retains complete control over you and the baby. Please OP, tell your parents. Or at the very least, your mum or a sibling if you have one. The old saying of 'a problem shared is a problem halved' could not be more true in this case. It will also remove ALL his power over your decisions.

BlackberryandNettle · 13/08/2017 21:16

Please don't be sucked in by his 'wishy washy' texts and playing nice op. He is just trying to win you back because you took the step of leaving. Tell friends and family you are pregnant and partner wanted a termination/secrecy so you have parted. Recruit their support! Don't cover for him, this is his way of isolating you and retaining control.